Lenten Series: Walking My Easter with Heart Wide Open

Mona Tavakoli posted this image on her IG account and it reverberated through my entire being.

There is a slowness to me and how I experience life. A sage aunt once told me, it's because I have to relish every experience, bleeding it for every feeling and emotion; contemplating it's every facet; finding poetry in the joy and, especially, the pain.

One would think me wiser then, but I am not.  The poetry lures me into a loophole and I find myself running round and round the same path, never wiser, just more creatively foolish.

The past months, I carried myself through a slow death of my spirit.  Zombie-walking through life, until I saw myself in the grey, lifeless, crowd in "The Little Prince" movie.  I cried (as my son watched, amused) in the theater.  I cried for me.  I cried for a new song that my spirit will sing.

All I am is breath and vapor and shadow.
All I have is what I need and this I know.

There's an aching in my body, within my lungs.
This web of bones around my heart is coming undone.
I need a new song. I need a new song. 
I'm waiting in the night for you
burning the sky for you. Waiting in the night for you

(New Song by Audrey Assad)

The painful part is realizing, that the song had been inside me all along.  I had buried it underneath duties, responsibilities, plans and goals.  It scratched underneath and I pounded at it for being a distraction from my life. It died.  And I died with it.

Thankfully, life is a cycle.  Sometimes you have to die a little (or more) in order to steer closer to the true source of life - throbbing and burning underneath the rubbles. And then bravely dig it free.

I have resolved to dig my poor exhausted heart free and live the life I was meant to live; to be who I truly am.

I have resolved to walk my Easter and sing my new song with Heart WIDE Open!

Lenten Series: Cramming on a Good Friday

I intended to make it a meaningful Lent for my son and I, since he's old enough to understand and appreciate its importance.  Then, the next thing I knew, it was Holy Week. So, I crammed everything yesterday, on Good Friday.

I realized, I couldn't very well just jump into the Passion of Christ.  Since timelines work for him, I started off with the liturgical calendar.

The Colors

• Purple / Violet - officially, this color symbolizes: penance, humility and melancholy.  I explained violet seasons as seasons of waiting and preparation.
• White - officially, this color represents: light, innocence, purity, joy, triumph, glory.  I explained white seasons as seasons of celebration.
• Green -   officially, this color stands for:  hope, the Holy Ghost, eternal life.  I explained green seasons for making the ordinary extraordinary for other people without being told, even when no one is watching.
• Red - officially means:  the Passion, Blood, Fire, God's love, martyrdom.  I explained red seasons as seasons of special showers of graces.

The Seasons vs. Christ's Life vs. the Mysteries of the Rosary

• Advent (Old Testament)- This represents the time before Christ's coming, when everybody was waiting for the promised Messiah.  
• Christmas (Gospels / Joyful Mysteries) - The time of Christ's birth. 
• 1st Set of Ordinary Times (Gospels / Joyful Mysteries) - This was Jesus's growing up years; the time before His ministry.  Only very few stories are included in the Gospels.  This is the time when He was being prepared by Mary & St. Joseph to whom He was completely obedient.
• Lent (Gospels / Sorrowful & Luminous Mysteries) - This was the three-year ministry of Jesus, which starts from His Baptism by John the Baptist and culminates in His passion and death.
• Easter (Gospels / Glorious Mysteries) - The resurrection of Jesus, which made it possible for us to go to heaven.
• Pentecost (Gospels / Acts of the Apostles / Glorious Mysteries) - The start of the Church; the start of the Ministry of Mary and the Apostles.
• 2nd Set of Ordinary Times (Acts of the Apostles / Epistles / Revelation) - This is the times we live in, where we wait for Jesus' 2nd Coming as Christ the King.

Lent = Sorrowful Mysteries = Stations of the Cross

• Palm Sunday: This was when Jesus entered Jerusalem and He was welcomed like a hero or a rock star.
• Maundy Thursday - Last Supper: This was when Jesus instituted the Eucharist and mandated them to love one another - that is how people will know that they are His disciples.
• Agony in the Garden: This was when Jesus prayed to God the Father in preparation for what was going to happen.  He knew He was about to go through a lot of suffering and pain.  It scared Him so much, that He even asked God the Father to not let Him go through it.  But, in the end, He still said "not my will, but Your will be done, Father".  Doing God's Will will not always be easy.  Many times we will want the Father to "let this cup of suffering pass". But we have to ask for His grace to give us strength to trust and do His will, so that we can experience the Glorious mysteries He has planned out for us.
• Good Friday - Scourging at the Pillar/Carrying of the Cross:  I showed my son clips from the movie, Passion of the Christ. These two scenes had the most impact to him.  He saw how the devil was trying to weaken Jesus' spirit and how Mama Mary countered this with her presence.  Each time Jesus felt like giving up, Mama Mary was there, silently giving Him strength even though it was obviously very difficult for her to see Him suffering.  They went through the Passion together.  At one point, my son exclaimed, "Mom! Mama Mary could see the Devil! They are fighting over Jesus! Whoa!"  I told him that's how it is everyday, instead of Jesus, it's every man/woman that Mary is fighting with. 
• Good Friday - Crucifixion of Jesus:  Here, we talked about the 7 last words.  

1. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." In the midst of His sufferings, He still managed to forgive.
2. "Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise."  Jesus' death opened up the gates of heaven for us.
3. "Woman, this is your son ... This is your mother."  This was two-fold.  He made sure someone will take care of His mother during her final days.  But, the more important significance of this statement is Jesus entrusting mankind into the care of Mama Mary.
4. "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"  This is probably the darkest hour of Jesus.  He is very close to the Father who is the source of Love.  Not feeling His presence is the most difficult and most painful "torture" He had to endure as part of His sacrifice.
5. "I thirst."  I started by saying, "When He said this, He did not mean He was thirsty for water ..." My son finished it for me with, "He is thirsty for love ... from us.  I know, Mama.  I think it's because I am not listening to Him anymore. He talks to me when I pray, but I don't listen."
6. "It is finished." Mission accomplished.
7. "Father, into Your hands I commend My spirit"  Now it's time to go back to His Father.

• Black Saturday - "He descended into Hell / the Dead":  He picked up the worthy souls who have died and were waiting for Him.  He had the good thief with Him.
• Easter Sunday - The Resurrection - "On the third day He rose again":  And because of this, we can also have everlasting life in heaven.

Post Discussions:

A:  "What do we do in heaven, Mama?"

M: "We worship God and bask in His presence which is Love"

A:  "What happens in hell?"

M:  "In hell, you don't feel God's presence.  He is absent.  You don't feel Love, only emptiness.  That's worst than any form of physical torture."

A:  "I want to be good already, Mama.  I don't want to feel God's absence."

A:  "Why don't we eat meat every Friday, Mama?"

M: "It's our little way of taking part in the sacrifice that Jesus went through in order to give us access to heaven. It's not much.  Some people sacrifice or give up other things, not just meat."

A:  "Like what?"

M:  "Other favorite food; favorite things they do."

A:  "Oh." (He looked at his lightsaber thoughtfully)

M:  (I waited)

A:  (Nothing)

M:  (Oh, well ... maybe next year)

A:  "I'll try to stop grumbling and obey with a happy heart."

M:  (Alleluia!  Even better!) "Sounds good to me"

Culminating Activity:  Vision Boards!

Lenten Series: Taking the Long and Maundy Route

I've always wondered what "Maundy" meant.  Yesterday, my son asked me why Maundy Thursday was called such.  My response was a blank stare and a mental note to myself to finally look it up.

This is what (Online) Merriam-Webster gave me:

Origin of maundy

Middle English maunde, from Old French mandé, from Latin mandatum command, order; from the words spoken by Jesus to his disciples after washing their feet at the Last Supper, “a new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another” (John 13:34 Authorized Version).

Now that we've got that sorted out, let's move on to what I learned from yesterday's recollection held at St. Paul's convent in Pasay.  The speaker, Fr. Rey (I forget his family name), from the Society of St. Paul, chose to dissect the story of The Prodigal Son.

Quick Summary
There was a man with two sons.  The youngest asked his father for his inheritance.  The father, without a word of protest, gave his youngest son his share.  This son goes on to leave his home to spend his inheritance, living lavishly in another country.  A great famine broke out in that country and the youngest son was soon out of money.  He had no choice but to work at a swine place.  In his desolation and hunger, he remembered his life in his father's house and how even the servants are well-fed.  He resolved to go back home, ask forgiveness, and become a servant to his father.  While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and ran to meet him.  The father welcomed his son with a warm hug, a ring on his finger, lavish clothes and a huge party - with the fattened cow as main attraction.
When the eldest son came back home, after toiling in the fields, he heard the merriment and found out that it was for his younger brother who came back.  Naturally, he felt bad and refused to go in.  But his father came out to talk to him, explained everything and urged him to join the celebration.

We don't know if the eldest went in.  It's an open-ended story.   Fr. Rey says it's up to us to fill in the ending.  He also says that we have, in one way or another, played the role of all three characters.

The Characters
The Youngest Son
He is young; wants the most out of life; lives for the moment; rash or impulsive.  Some would think him selfish and stubborn.  BUT he is also humble, ready to accept his mistakes, ask forgiveness and willing to work his way back to his father's graces.

The Eldest Son
He is more mature; has foresight; responsible; obedient; hardworking; faithful.  Some would think him too quiet, unassertive, accepting everything until he just boils over (pa-martyr, in other words).  BUT he also exhibited the most love for their father, even getting hurt and angry at his brother for the pain his father went through.  He is also in need of love he is afraid to ask.  He never asked for anything. ("Son, you are always with me and everything I have is yours" ... all you have to do is ask).

The Father - the epitome of God the Father

Loving. He loved both his sons consistently and constantly albeit very differently - according to each son's language of love.

Wise.  He knew that his youngest son is stubborn and talking him out of his plans would only agitate him, so he allowed his son to go through the long and maundy (allowing his son to learn in his own terms is the hardest, most heartbreaking, but, also, most loving thing the father could do) route.

" ... Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly." (Edward Albee, The Zoo Story).

"One must first come around to asking a basic question before there can ever be a change in basic answers." (Robert L. Short, The Parables of Peanuts)

Patient.  He let his son go, allowing him as much time he needed to learn everything he had to learn from the entire experience.  Truly experience is the best teacher.

Expectant.  Note, that he saw his son coming from a long way away.  This means, that he had been expecting his son to come back home.  He was probably waiting and looking out for him everyday.  This shows: (1) how well he knew his son; and (2) his faith at his son's capacity for a change of heart.

Forgiving.  At the end of the day, no matter how much his son hurt him (Read: Asking for inheritance while he was still alive; wasting and losing all that hard-earned money; the gull to come back!), he forgave him.  In fact, he forgave him the minute he decided to give that inheritance.

Reconciling.  He went out of the house to reason with his elder son because, above all else, he wants the brothers to be reconciled and loving each other.

I find, that I have been a mixture of both brothers - stubbornly working on my plans in my own terms, following (forcing) my timing; while, at the same time, lacking in conviction that I am God's child, afraid (or, perhaps, too proud) to ask from His vast reserves of blessings and graces.  I have been taking the long and maundy route.  Hopefully, I would find my way back the short distance correctly by asking - with expectant faith - for His graces (and blessings!).

As a mother, I hope and pray for the courage to parent my son the way the father did - especially in terms of less talk and allowing him more freedom to experience life and learn from it on his own terms and timing.

Lenten Series: Jesus' Life is Art

I have just started reading "The Parables of PEANUTS" by Robert L. Short.  It talks about how Charles Schulz used the comic strip as a medium to share his Christian faith.

A few pages in, I was struck by the following lines:
"Art, on the other hand, can also entertain us, but it goes further.  It leads us through its dream back to a reality that perhaps we had not seen before or to a reality that we now see in a different light."

If you think about it, Jesus was an actor who immersed Himself completely into the role He was playing.  From the very beginning, He knew exactly what He was getting into.  He knew the script, how the story was going to play out.  He knew there was going to be a terrible passion ... before there can be salvation for men and resurrection; the Sorrowful Mysteries before the Glorious Mysteries.  And He played His role perfectly and faithfully.

Sunday's 2nd Reading:
Philippians 2:6-11
"Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped.  Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human   in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Jesus did not teach God's word in direct terms with a list of Do's and Don'ts.  He spoke in parables and He showed us through the life He lived and how He interacted with every person He brushed with.

"... sermons should not be preached  in churches but in the street, in the midst of life, of the reality, of the daily life, weekday life." (Kierkegaard)

From Sunday's 1st Reading:

Isaiah 50:4-7

"The Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue, that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them. Morning after morning he opens my ear that I may hear ..."

He did not have to scream who He was.  It was apparent in how He lived.

From Sunday's Gospel:
Luke 23:1-49 (or Luke 22:14-23:56)
Pilate asked him, “Are you the king of the Jews?” He said to him in reply, “You say so.”

"The centurion who witnessed what had happened glorified God and said, “This man was innocent beyond doubt.” When all the people who had gathered for this spectacle saw what had happened, they returned home beating their breasts;"

Walking through the dream of Jesus' life by contemplating the Gospels enables us to see the reality of our lives and to perceive it in a much different light.  Like any pure and true art form, Jesus' life moves us to change and to action.  The challenge is to live it consistently daily as He did.

Lenten Series: Chrysalis

I read an article about butterflies on "Today I Found Out" over the internet.  Below is a snippet:

"Today I found out caterpillars’ bodies “melt” almost completely before morphing into butterflies in the chrysalis.

In order for the change from a caterpillar to a butterfly to take place within the pupa, the caterpillar begins releasing enzymes that literally digest nearly all of its own body.  What’s left inside the chrysalis is mostly just a very nutrient rich soup from which the butterfly will begin to form."

The most significant and beautiful changes take place over a long and painful period.  In a lot of cases, it is not only a gut-wrenching but a caterpillar-body-melting-in-a-chrysalis process. To top it off, we don't normally know what the heck He's working on.  He's not the type who would show us a picture of a beautiful butterfly and tell us, "That's what I'm turning you into."  No. It's always a surprise.  And sometimes, even though we know He's working on us, it just gets so painful and difficult that  it's so easy - almost a comfort - to just give up, despair and raise a fist at Him (Read:  Seriously, what the hell, God?! Tao lang!).  

When you feel like you are in a chrysalis, go through these snippets from last Sunday's readings.

First, acknowledge it.

 

1st Reading: Isaiah 43:16-21

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

Often, we do not notice (or, perhaps, take for granted) the many blessings He set in place to make the journey / morphing a wee-bit easier.  Try and keep your eyes open.  They are there.  Take comfort in them and be grateful.

"Wild beasts honor me, jackals and ostriches, for I put water in the desert and rivers in the wasteland for my chosen people to drink, the people whom I formed for myself..."

When it gets difficult, it's easy to think, "Must I go through this? I'm fine just the way I am" and even hope for things to be the way they were before.  Don't give in. Eyes on the prize!

2nd Reading: Philippians 3:8-14

"Just one thing: forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God’s upward calling, in Christ Jesus."

Once He is done, rest assured that He will deliver 100% customer satisfaction and more. The blood, sweat and tears will be worth it.

Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 126:1-2, 2-3, 4-5, 6

"Those that sow in tears shall reap rejoicing. Although they go forth weeping, carrying the seed to be sown, they shall come back rejoicing, carrying their sheaves."

And then there should be no turning back.

Gospel: John 8:1-11

"Then Jesus said, “... Go, and from now on do not sin any more.”

Lenten Series: Changeovers

We've heard it said time and again:  The only constant in life is Change.  I agree!  And there is nothing quite as scary and exciting at the same time as Change about to happen.  When God brings you to the threshold of that door, your hand on the doorknob, about to turn it, there's that split second of anxiety and cold feet.  (I suggest to just go right ahead and take the leap of faith; lest it becomes a long and agonizing process). Then you turn the doorknob, rush in, heart beating wildly, eyes momentarily closed - and the exhilaration is just crazy! (Now open your eyes ... Wow! Right?!)

What the readings last March 6 stress is that, when God takes you through a changeover, it is always good.  

When He takes something, He gives something better.

1st Reading:  Joshua 5:9, 10-12

"On that same day after the Passover on which they ate of the produce of the land, the manna ceased. No longer was there manna for the Israelites, who that year ate of the yield of the land of Canaan."

It is worth noting here, that while God walks with you towards where you ought to be, He takes care of all your needs. (Much like parents make sure there are snacks in the car for the long drive to the beach.  It's not binge fest level, but it's sufficient).

When He brings change, it is complete.

2nd Reading:  2 Corinthians 15:17-21

"Brothers and sisters: Whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away. Behold, new things have come."

When He works on a heart, He changes it from the core - no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes.

Gospel:  Luke 15:1-3, 11-32

"He said to him, ‘My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’”

The process can be a simple and quick talk on a perspective change:  "My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours." (Read:  "All you had to do was ASK!").

Or it can be a long and painful "learning-by-experience" process where He lets you trudge on stubbornly, all the while believing in your capability to change; and patiently and expectantly waiting for the new YOU to come home:  "So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him. " 

Poetic Doses

"Run!", she screamed
I knew that she was right
And I knew that I should have
But I didn't
Although I could have
So, now, I have.

****

"Where are you off to?"  I asked.
"To the secret rooms of my mind," she replied, not looking back.
I had not seen nor heard from her since.
But she sent me these.
One day, I will find her and disappear with her.

****

It was there that I found her,
Underneath the lone light;
Deliriously chasing colors,
That tumbled from her mind.

****

But Time, I find, has no power here.

****

Finally, she leaned back, admiring her work.
"A masterpiece takes time, commitment, and a lot of heart," she said.
"Sounds like love," I said.
She shook her head,
"These days, hearts change faster than a masterpiece is finished.
Forever is a commodity used only as a pretty word in poetry."
I wanted to say, I have loved her forever,
but she was already staring out the window;
once again, lost in her own world.

****

And for the first time
She is able to see him
Differently
A smile tugging at her lips

And for the first time
He is able to study her face
Openly
A change from sidelong glances

And for the first time
They are face to face
Intimately
A palpable thrill between them

And for the first time
The point does not matter
Remotely
As they gave in to the kiss.

****

She walked briskly
Always rushing
He caught her eye briefly
A slight pause
Both shared furtively
Unspoken volumes
   in a glance
   and a smile.

Lenten Series: Time and Attention

Some miracles do not happen overnight.  Most take time, require much attention, tender loving care and a heaping of faith - stacked over and over and over again.

I've been a work-in-progress for years.  I don't know when I'll ever get to even a third of what He has planned for me.  But I am grateful, that, despite being a bonsai, the Gardener continues to believe in me, patiently tending to me, cultivating me and fertilizing my spirit --- especially at times when even I have thrown my hands up in frustration and given up on myself.  

From Sunday's Gospel:  Luke 13:1-9

"And he told them this parable: “There once was a person who had a fig tree planted in his orchard, and when he came in search of fruit on it but found none, 7 he said to the gardener, ‘For three years now I have come in search of fruit on this fig tree but have found none. So cut it down. Why should it exhaust the soil?’ 8 He said to him in reply, ‘Sir, leave it for this year also, and I shall cultivate the ground around it and fertilize it; 9 it may bear fruit in the future. If not you can cut it down.’”

Poetic Dose: My Faceless Series

I have believed
You
The dream of you
The possibility of you

I have followed
You
Amongst crowds
Into vast empty fields

I have touched
You
Your hands
And broad strong chest

I have felt
You
Your warmth
And the beating of your heart

Only in dreams ...

I have lost
You
In the sudden turns
And the sudden drops

Powerless

I let go of
You
The dream of you
The possibility of you

... and me.

Lenten Series: Lights and Shadows

Faith, for me, had always been associated with a palpable feeling of believing and knowing for sure.  But, like any other feeling, it seems fleeting and fickle - sometimes sure, brave and strong; sometimes uncertain, trembling and weak.

Just a few weeks ago, He spoke to me in you-can't-possible-miss-this terms that I felt elated.  Surely, this was the idiot-proof sign I had been praying for!  And for days I floated on air, beaming ... until there was just me and silence and life unfolding uneventfully.  Before I knew it, I found myself in a dark cloud.  Nasty place.  Nasty feeling.

Yet, in the darkness is where light - even the tiniest - shines the brightest.

That was Sunday for me:  a tiny point of light amidst a blanket of darkness.

1st pinpoint of light:  Monsignor Manny Gabriel's voice.  What are the odds he'd be celebrating the Mass we attended?  Just hearing his voice somehow comforted me.

And then the stars came:

1st Reading:  Genesis 15:5-12, 17-18
12 "As the sun was about to set, a trance fell upon Abram, and a deep, terrifying darkness enveloped him.  

Gospel:  Luke 9:28-36
"34 While he was still speaking, a cloud came and cast a shadow over them, and they became frightened when they entered the cloud. "

The shadows do come and the darkness they bring is bound to be frightening.  That is its purpose.

But we must always ...

Responsorial Psalm:  Psalm 27:1, 7-8, 8-9, 13-14
"...believe that I shall see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. 14 Wait for the Lord with courage; be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord. "

2nd Reading:  Philippians 3:17-4:1
"...stand firm in the Lord."

Because  ...

Gospel:  Luke 9:28-36
"Then from the cloud came a voice ..."

1st Reading:  Genesis 15:5-12, 17-18
17 When the sun had set and it was dark, there appeared a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch, which passed between those pieces. 18 It was on that occasion that the Lord made a covenant with Abram ..."

"Faith is a personal covenant with God" (Monsi Manny). A covenant - sacred promise - between you and God.  So keep the faith and "stand firm".  Hold on to that light, while you sit in darkness and wait on Him.

Lenten Series: Waiting For Favorable Conditions

Today was all about WAITING.

I woke up to find an audio message - Waiting Room - for me from a friend.  I didn't get to listen to it until late in the afternoon, while I was rushing through rush hour traffic to get to Ash Wednesday Mass.

It spoke of different biblical characters who had to wait - years - for their prayers to be answered:  Abraham and Sarah were old before they had a child; Joseph spent years in prison before becoming a leader in Egypt; Job through years of suffering before being blessed immensely; Simeon waited most of his life to finally see the Messiah.

That's a whole lot of waiting.  And for what?  As the audio message said, "He tunes our hearts and strengthens our character in the waiting."

"Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!" (Psalm 27:14)

In all of those situations, in the end, God was faithful to His promise and delivered far beyond expectations ... at the right moment.

Which leads me to the verse in today's 2nd Reading which struck me:

"For he says: In an acceptable time I heard you, and on the day of salvation I helped you. Behold, now is a very acceptable time; behold, now is the day of salvation." (2 Corinthians 6:2)

It reminded me of a line from The Little Prince.  In his conversation with the King from asteroid 325, the Little Prince asked the King to order the sun to set.  To which, the King replied, "You shall have your sunset.  I shall command it.  But ... I shall wait until conditions are favorable."

At first glance, the statement may seem funny - the King's attempt at hiding the fact that he, in fact, does not have dominion over everything.  But, contemplating it deeper, I thought about what another friend told me, "There is order in the universe."

We are part of this complex tapestry of life.  Individual but interdependent, such that one little thing we do or not do triggers a series of events which, inevitably, impacts everyone - in one form or another.  Thus, for one thing to happen (or not happen), all conditions should be favorable.  A series of seemingly independent events come together like clockwork to make that happen.  Only God knows what those are and when it will all align.

Forcing our way when the time is not right will be preemptive, much like pulling out a domino piece before it's due to drop in a domino chain effect.

So, be calm in the waiting and, sometimes, the deafening silence.

Hold fast - in excited anticipation - for His impeccable timing and faithfulness.  Because, when that time comes, our God of surprises shall not be outdone.

This Is How I Will Choose You (By: Anjana Rajbhandary)

A very good friend of mine sent me this article.  The first time I read it, it struck a cord ... so much, I felt a little sniffle rising. This.  This is exactly how a relationship should be.  For the past couple of days I'd been mulling over it.  It made me scared. It made me hopeful.

I am sharing this ... to unsettle you; to move you; to broaden your perspective; to help you get better at your present relationship; or to enable you to find and build a relationship that's real and rock-solid.

This Is How I Will Choose You 

By: Anjana Rajbhandary

I was recently talking to a friend about relationships when she said something that really stuck with me: “Relationships aren’t easy. They take work. You have to change with them. People think it’s a cliché to change for another person, but if you want to continue being with someone else, you have to let yourself grow, and growth is change.”

You need to change to grow. You need to be with the person who is willing to grow with you. You have to be with someone you can fight well with, because conflict is inevitable. If you cannot change yourself and grow with the other person, it will never work in the long run.

In many relationships, one person grows and the other one usually stays the same. Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high.

I don’t believe that it is bad to change. We should want to change. It’s a part of life. Nothing remains the same; you are going against nature if you refuse to evolve. Nothing stays as constant as change in the world. But as humans, change scares us, because it promises unpredictability. And unpredictability can be threatening.

You can never change anyone, but you can change yourself. And when you change, mean it. Change to become the best version of yourself that you did not think was possible.

You have to be strong to reveal your vulnerabilities, and when someone can promise to protect your soul, you know you have taken your shell off at the right time. Many people will stomp all over your weaknesses, leaving you broken and bruised, making you question your choices. But you were never wrong and you were never a fool. This is just life.

There is no right situation or right time, because something will always be wrong. When two people share the same goals and want the same things in life, the timing and the location are just subsidiary. When two people want to make it work, they do. It’s not rocket science.

Life is full of temptations, but you have to make a choice and you have to honor your promise to the person. You have to respect yourself to be able to respect the other person’s feelings, because everyone can get hurt. That’s when you fight for yourself and you fight for the other person, because without them, it wouldn’t be the same.

Meet someone who won’t make you question your thoughts and your feelings. Meet someone who makes you feel safe. Meet someone you are scared to lose every day, but someone who will never let you get lost. Meet someone who doesn’t make you question yourself. Meet someone who makes you realize the magic of living, because that is the whole point.

Meet someone who treats you like the best damn thing in the world that could ever exist, and treat them the same way.

Never let your heart compromise with ‘what if.’  Why do so many of us settle? Because we think it’s the best we deserve, or the most precious that we can find. 

Choose someone who will do whatever it takes, because sometimes it takes a lot, and it is scary. Choose someone who is willing to risk themselves in the process because you would do the same. Choose someone who chooses you with the same promise you made yourself – a promise of happiness that comes with a price, but a price well worth it.

We cannot promise eternity but only hope for the best. When I choose you, I will choose only you. We cannot promise each other a forever, but when I am with you, I will be with only you.

Until then, I wait.

Poetic Dose

She trembled for the pain
Then -
"Be calm in the silence."
And she was.

***

She looked
Up
Into the veiled storm
In his eyes

Then touched his cheek
Softly
Briefly
One last time

Then she turned around
And walked away
Sure
Into the arms of her waiting man.

The Little Prince - Part 3 (Turnaround, I'm Right Behind You)

I guess it is only right for me to usher in the new year with one of the most important and personal learnings of this year:  Love, for the most part, is untamed.  Instead, it tames you.

"I am not tamed."

"If you tame me, then we shall need each other.  To me, you will be unique in all the world.  To you, I shall be unique in all the world ..."

"There is a flower ... I think that she has tamed me ..."

"Please --- tame me!  ... One only understands the things that one tames."

"What must I do to tame you?"

"You must be very patient."

Love has been so commercialized and advertised, that it has been romanticized to death.  Yet few people these days are able to truly grasp what it is and what it stands for.

So ... how does one tame something one does not understand?

This year was riddled with pockets of bright and colorful showers of love, that I am most grateful for ... and forever will be.  Because of those who have so generously pampered me with love, I was able to grasp the important first step:  To know, understand and love myself.

"This flower is a very complex creature."

I have had to strip myself of everything (biases, hurts and trophies) and get back to basics, because ...

"Only the children know what they are looking for."

"He did not know then, but his leaving was the first step on his journey back to her."

I had been so bent on giving love, that I forgot the importance of allowing myself to be loved and to love myself --- so that I have love to give in return.  "I was carried beyond myself by the inspiring force of urgent necessity."

Leafing through the pages of "The Little Prince" once again gave me insight to who I am, so that I am ready to believe ...

"I am very fond of sunsets ...
You know -- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad ..."

I had to recognize that I wasn't an island ... nor superwoman ...

"Flowers are weak creatures.  They are naive.  They reassure themselves as best they can.  They believe that their thorns are terrible weapons ..."

There will be moments when everything becomes overwhelming and all I can do is sit down and cry.  There will be times when, no matter how high the walls are, someone can still scale it ... and hearts get broken.

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

Despite the new norms and what society dictates, it is okay to hold fast to principles and values.

"I am not a weed," the flower replied. sweetly.

 Even though nobody appreciates it fully ...

"But I did not know how to take pleasure in all her grace.  This tale of claws, which disturbed me so much, should only have filled my heart with tenderness and pity."

... nor understands completely.

"Oh! I understand you very well, But why do you always speak in riddles?"

There are times, when I, too, am so consumed by my standards that I fail to see what is right in front of me ...

"The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything!  I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words.  She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me.  I ought never to have run away from her ... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little strategems.  Flowers are so inconsistent!  But I was too young to know how to love her ..."

... and fail to show (or, perhaps, don't know how to) the secrets that lay hidden in the deepest sections of my heart.

"Of course I love you,"  the flower said to him.  "It is my fault that you have not known it all the while.  That is of no importance.  But you --- you have been just as foolish as I.  Try to be happy ... "

I have a huge tendency to push away that which I want to hold closest.

"Don't linger like this.  You have decided to go away.  Now go!"

"She was such a proud flower ..."

Yes, I am.

So what have I learned ...

Sometimes:

• Love can hurt: "Ah ... I shall cry."
• Because it can be foolish:  "It is your own fault.  I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you."  

But, sometimes:

• Love takes time:  "It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
• Love is not superficial:  "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
• Love sees through a special looking glass:  "Go look again at the roses.  You will understand that yours is unique in all the world."
• Love is never fleeting.  It is beyond just now:  "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.  You are responsible for your rose ..."
• Love takes a lot of work. But ... :  "This water was indeed a different thing from ordinary nourishment.  Its sweetness was born of the walk under the stars, the song of the pulley, the effort of my arms.  It was good for the heart, like a present."
• Love is faithful: "You are beautiful, but you are empty.  One could not die for you.  To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you - the rose that belongs to me.  But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses ... because she is my rose."

Here's to 2016 ... to believing, being open ... and taking giant leaps of faith!

The Little Prince - Part 2 (Sing the Song You Keep Inside)

Do you remember the games you played as a child?  I remember playing pretend with my dolls, siblings, cousins or friends.  Those were fun times, when I could be anything I wanted ... and most anything was possible.  "And in that moment, I swear we were infinite".

And then "I have had to grow old" and became "concerned with matters of consequence."  I saw myself in the army of grey people walking around the city mechanically, functioning as designed, but devoid of life or purpose.

"Growing up is not the problem.  Forgetting is." I had forgotten the dreams I dreamed, the song I kept inside me.  I did so the minute I found it a waste of time to ponder the stars - "Little golden objects that set lazy men to idle dreaming."  Instead I worked at becoming successful - by society's standards.
"And what good does it do you to own the stars?"  What, indeed?  I can't remember why or when it had become so important.

Those dreams I had forgotten ... I realize, they are 'ephemeral' - that 'which is in danger of speedy disappearance.' I had set them aside too long, and for what?

When dreams die, that's when it feels like the very life is sucked out of you.  You plunge into the monotonous drone of daily life in the same way a zombie walks.

"Only the children know what they are looking for."

In a sense, re-reading "The Little Prince" and watching the movie (and going to the 9-day Misa De Gallo) saved me.  "Yet through the silence something throbs and gleams ..." These brought back the right perspective. I had to take the journey back to being a child, brimming with hope that comes only from staunch faith in a God who loves faithfully.

Faith that enables us to take that leap ... when the time is right.  Yes.  I believe all of these had been orchestrated meticulously to prod me towards the right direction at the perfect time.  "When you need it most, help will come."

" I’m not hopeless. I’m hopeful.  That’s right. I’m full of hope.  I love a rose and she loves me."  

And I'm going back to her and tend to her faithfully.

Turnaround

Far, happiness isn't far
Not far from where you are
Watching your life go by

Now, why don't you sing out loud
To the tune you keep inside?

Turn around and put your pen down
Turn around, your feet off the ground
Turn around, and your head in the clouds

Hi, don't say hello, say hi
Hi to a higher sky
Hi to a higher ground

The Little Prince - Part 1 Addendum (Crucial Conversations)

Catholic Filipino Academy hosted a Parenting Talk session called "Crucial Conversations" (By:  Michele Alignay - author of "Growing up WIRED") last November.  It dealt on the communication dynamics between parents and children, but a lot of it applies to all kinds of relationships.

I realized, that, in order for me to enable my son to find and work at his own destiny, we first need to have a proper conversation.  That means, I need to learn how to listen to him and not just talk to him.

These are the salient points I was able to take note of. I'm still working at a lot of them.  So far, what I have learned is, it is a challenge to unlearn some behaviors and habits. But these relationships are worth the change.

"A relationship is only as good as its level of communication."

Levels:

Level 5 - Cliche: This is the superficial kind mostly shared between mere acquaintances.

Level 4 - Reporting on Facts:  This is a simple improvement from the Cliche level with people talking about simple, general and benign facts.

Level 3 - Ideas & Judgments:  Parties start talking about ideas, but the sharing is very guarded, proceeding based on how the other person receives the idea.  Between parent and child, the communication is under strict censorship from child to parent.  The child only talks about what pleases the parents; or vice versa.

Level 2 - My Feelings "Gut Level":  This is when both are able to communicate their "inner self" through feelings, emotions and honest opinion.  Both are able to articulate the rationale behind the feeling; talk about how each person reacts to the feelings.

Level 1 - Peak Communication:  This is achieved once both are attuned to the other person, having the complete and personal connection.  This is characterized by an almost perfect and mutual empathy with someone.  At this level, the emotional investment becomes the backbone of the relationship.

Checklist for a successful communication:

1. Accept them as they are.
2. Check your motives. 
3. Go to where they are.  How?  Be present in the moment and speak their language.
4. Relationship first before the issue.  Above all else, safeguard the relationship.  I cannot stress this more.
5. Emotional connection is the invisible thread directly connecting us with each other.
6. NOW, not later. Important talks start losing their efficacy the longer it is delayed.  Afterall, anything important cannot wait for later.  Strike while the iron is hot and the issue is fresh.  It is much easier to discuss when the details are still fresh for both parties.

Important communication skills:

1. Listening Skills - Good listening skills are characterized by emphatic understanding, listening with 100% focus (mind and body) and feedback that is devoid of judgment.
2. Speaking Skills - Speak for yourself, not for others.  Instead of embarking on a long sermon, ask.  Remember that speaking is not only represented by what you say, but how it is delivered.  The non-verbal language weighs in just as heavily, if not more, as the verbal language.
3. Self-disclosure - This includes sharing of personal ideas, feelings and experiences.  This entails humility, especially for parents.
4. Clarity - Make sure your message is clear by verifying the other person's understanding. In some cases, the context may be taken differently.  Remember: "Assumptions make an ASS of U and ME"  (Cool, huh?  I thought so, too).
5. Continuity Tracking - Stay on topic.  Focus on the current issue being tackled, allowing all facets and concerns to be confronted.  (I am guilty of this.  I sometimes bring up past "sins" whenever I see an opportunity to connect it to the current issue).
6. Respect and Regard - It is important to accept each other's differences and to recognize the other person's ideas and feelings.  Keep the communication positive.

"The strongest connections are at Home." (2 John 1:12)

"We are their Home."

Michele Alignay closed with Credo for Relationships.  I wasn't able to catch all of it, so I searched on the internet and found this (Bless Google!). I'm not sure if this is what she shared, but I think it's worth sharing, regardless.

Credo for Relationships 

Dr. Thomas Gordon

You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with unique needs and the right to meet those needs.

When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will try to listen with genuine acceptance. In order to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine, I also will try to respect your right to choose your own beliefs and develop your own values, different though they may be from mine.

However, when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.

At those times when we find that either of us cannot change to meet the other's needs, let us acknowledge that we have a conflict and commit ourselves to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power or authority to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine - neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love, and peace.