Coming Back Home To Me

Tell me of the hidden struggles

All the unnamed pains

And I will tell you

Of the glorious view from here.

Mt. Pamitinan

I remember Monsignor Gabriel telling me once, "I don't know why they call it mid-life crisis, when it is such a beautiful phase." I've been stuck in "crisis" for years. And, although it's been a hell of a rough ride so far, it's definitely been beautiful.

A month ago, I attended a seminar-workshop called Reparenting the Child Within (RCW), which I had been trying to fit into my schedule since February.  It took months for my schedule to align with the RCW weekend.  But, as the facilitator mentioned on the first day, it was the perfect batch (and time) for me.  From the time I started on my mid-life journey, I had been on a self-healing quest.  RCW was the perfect culmination.  It reinforced my learnings, thus far; demystified the process; and closed out the loopholes.  It is an essential I would recommend to everyone (from age 25) --- regardless of life phase they are in.

The 2.5-day weekend seemed too long for a seminar-workshop.  But it was one jam-packed weekend with the strength of a million therapy sessions.  I will not go through my entire experience and spoil it for you guys.  Let me just say, that it was a Coming Home to ME.

In that weekend I learned:

• I was brought into this world whole and full of grace ... 
• and I can return to my original wonder child.
• I am wounded, but not broken.
• I am my responsibility and nobody else's.
• I can only give if I am filled ...
• and I can (and must) fill me.
• I know my truths ...
• and I will live them ...
• because I can (fix me)
• because HE has given me all I need to be beautiful Me. 

Come to think of it, it felt like finally unlocking that treasure chest you searched far and wide, and even dove underwater for ... to find a mirror inside.  However anti-climactic or cliche the weekend plot seemed to be, it was only then that I truly felt fully unwedged from my being stuck.  

As it turned out, the only way forward is inward.

Repeat Until It Sticks

Time flies! I can't believe half a year has gone by since my last blog entry.  Yes, so much has happened, but don't worry.  This is not an update blog.

AMJ (April-May-June) is turning out to be a quarter of getting-to-know myself again.  That's a whole $#!t load that I won't be bringing you guys into.  Suffice it to say, that it's been quite a ride and am bracing myself for a big finish.

But I will let you in on a small bit, which I think is worth sharing.

I spent a couple of weeks with family in Australia to visit my sister and to decenter (I often call it disengaging, but, apparently, the formal term is "decentering"). I spent the first week attending morning Mass daily.  When I don't know where to start fixing myself, I just go to Mass --- with a blank mind and an open heart.  The first couple of days were difficult.  It took a lot of effort to be still and to silence all the voices in my head. When there's too much noise, it's hard to listen.  Thankfully, with God's grace, my heart stopped racing and I breathed easier.  The entire week went by fast ... and without any answer.  Of course, it didn't help that I could not even figure out my question.  BUT I know, that what my heart has locked safely away from me, is as plain as day for Him.  So, I went on my merry way for the balance of our holiday.

In true God fashion, though, He gave me exactly what I needed on the very last day.  Never in a hurry, but ALWAYS on time.

On the eve of our flight back, we went to anticipated Mass.  We were supposed to attend at this beautiful Church I went to the first day, but we could not find parking even though we were there early.  We went, instead, to my Aunt's parish Church.

When I saw who was presiding, Fr. John, I knew we were meant to be there.

Then, he started reading the Gospel.  I thought it sounded familiar until I realized it was a repeat of the Gospel the previous Friday - the last day of my daily morning Mass on the first week.  I perked up, all senses engaged.  I thought, there's an Easter egg coming.

John 21:1 -1 14

1 At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. 2Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples. 3 Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We also will come with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 4 When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them,“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” 6 So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. 7 So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. 9 When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord. 13Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.

True enough, Fr. John's homily was the answer to the question I could not form in my head. He summarized his thoughts into 3 simple points.

1. Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us; and need a "Beloved Disciple" to point it out to us.  I remembered a conversation I had with my Aunt where she pointed out exactly what I needed to do.  I realized, I had a similar conversation with a casual (sage) acquaintance who essentially pointed me towards the same direction just a few months prior.  I thought, I must be pretty dense or pretty scared.  I decided I was (am) scared.
2. Once we know the goal, there are two ways to get to it: (1) leave everything and just go for it; and (2) go slowly and bring the fish.  Some people have the capacity to go "all or nothing"; while some people's circumstances require several considerations.  Thus, they need to be more practical in their approach.  There is no right approach for everyone, just the right one for YOU.  Go for that.  Of course, that means some get to their goals faster, while others take longer.  That doesn't mean the faster ones win, while the rest are losers.  Each of us have our own paths to follow.  We need to respect our timing and to honor our own journey.  But the main point is, GO FOR IT!  Remember:  "Find the Purpose; the Means will Follow" (A little wisdom found on a pet cooling mat. Seriously, God finds the weirdest ways to get to me!). Otherwise, you will find yourself doing or settling for mediocre work --- because anything outside your passion is mediocre.  Neither you nor the world will benefit from the under-utilization of your talents and the curtailing of your full capability.
3. Be open to God's surprises by maintaining a good relationship with Him.  That is the only way you will be able to understand His plans/Will. This one is a reminder for me.  I have been crazy busy with big and small things that I have not been able to sustain a decent quiet time with Him.  And, I know, busy is never a good excuse to compromise my relationship with Him (or myself).  I am trying to get it back into my daily rhythm.  And, I will be honest, I have been faltering.  But, still, I keep praying for the grace to keep at it even when I don't feel like it.

None of these is really new, but sometimes we just need to be reminded.  That has generally been the theme of my life.  I feel what I need to do in my gut, I acknowledge it, decide to go for it ... and then get cold feet until it fizzles out.  God, meantime, has been repeating it over and over for me ... until it sticks.  Such a patient God.

So ... here's to me, finally taking that first step and shuffling for a couple more.  With His grace, I'm going to keep going in this slow but steady and deliberate pace.

I chose this photo because it's one of my favorites from the trip. And, I imagine, it took constant repeated sculpting by the waves for these rocks to form.

Poetic Doses: 361 to 365 And Then Some

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

These are the final verses and then some
For the 2018 year-long commitment;
This year, for myself I will reserve
Will share only chosen sentiments;
I commit to a project that deserves
And allows me to be in my element.


361

Night came to me
Draped in stars
She offered me the Moon
Nestled upon her palms
Dazed by the grandeur about her
I took the Moon in haste
And failed to see
Her true beauty (so plain in front of me).


362

Come on now,
He said,
Pick up the fishing line.

(I have a surprise at the other end!).


363

Where do old toys go?
I wonder how they feel
On the first day
The children stop coming?
And as the days turn into weeks
Do their hearts start breaking?
Do they stay and wait,
Or do they leave and walk away?
To find a better (new) kid
To care for,
Or realize there is not one
Quite as magical as their kid.

I wonder if they are better off
At toy heaven instead.


364

Sometimes, all the heart needs is a surprise little nudge to come alive once more.


365

One full year passed
Another year begins
Leave all that hinders in the past
Open your hearts to dream and hope again.

***

I will set the world on fire
One dream at a time.


AND THEN SOME ....

There is a different calm walking under a blanket of stars;
As if the universe is whispering its wisdom.
On cue, the stars started falling (meteor showers!);
For a brief moment we were children silenced in awe.
Then the Sun came;
First, the gold linings then the warmth.

***

Nothing speaks best of hope, new life and new beginnings than the breaking of dawn.
It is the singular moment when one inevitably feels and believes with his/her whole heart that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible.









***
Seasons come and go;
The Sun shines and sets;
What seems immovable and unmoved,
Glows warm and softens with the Sun's touch.















***

Mountains always struck me as having such grandeur that demanded awe and respect without need of being boastful.  They are simply and effortlessly magnificent.  In their presence, I am always reminded of my littleness.  Yet, on their shoulders, they show me what I can do and who I can be.






***

There is not one moment exactly like another;
and within each is a beauty that can never be replicated.
Cherish, truly see and be in the moment.









***

Somber empty streets
Fill my heart with peace
When I walk with you
My hand safe in yours.

***

Through mountains, rivers and seas
Farther than the eyes can see
The mighty dragon flew
In search of something true
And found there is only one
Who touch he would ever want
And so he returned
Sadly, to the house he burned.

***

We loved briefly
Swiftly
And it was enough
But only for a moment.

***

It comes spilling out
Rushing like a raging river
Despite the promise
Not to think nor feel
My muse is you
And the eternal dream of us
Caught in the wicked cycle
Of pain and beautiful poetry.

***

Oh, the joy of long showers
And the delicious feeling
Of healing water flowing through
Every hidden and broken part.

***

Puso kong palalo
Wari mo'y salahilo
Ang totoo'y
Puso ay pagod
Sa paulit-ulit
Na pag-urong at sulong
Ng salawaha't tuso
Mong puso.

***

That I might not be a mere catcher of dreams or a keeper of memories.
No.  Let me be a dancer of life and a mover of mountains.

***

No. No. No.
One does not catch a cloud and pin it down.
One runs with it and basks in its shade ...
Before it grows heavy and rains over you.

***

Manog, Manong,
Where do you go
to catch these falling stars?

Tell me.  Tell me.
Are these hopes and dreams falling?
Or wishes coming true?

Please, please!
Catch me a star, bright and fiery
Let it fall on me and light me on fire.

***

Waiting?
Or searching?
I do not know anymore;
But I am rooted where I stand
Until I find the courage
Until I am compelled
   to finally move.

***

Maybe
here is enough
for now.

***

In this dimly lit room
Peppered in dust from the years
I hear only echoes now
Or distant memories.

(I am here.  Still.)

***

I am tempest
I am storm
I weild fire with my rod
I will not be calm
I shall rage
Untril you fathom the depths
Of my pain.

***

I want to be where you are;
On this boat, we will sail far.

***

Such endless capacity for love;
Such endless need for love.

I Climbed Mountains to Learn These

In my previous blog, I mentioned how hiking has been very helpful in terms of distilling the barrage of thoughts that constantly plague my overthinking brain.

These are some of the things that are not rocket science, not profound and not even new; but I, literally, had to climb mountains to learn and truly grasp what they meant.

• Start  and end with a prayer.  Make sure to pray for good weather! (San Rafael comes in very handy here).
• Prepare.  Find out what you can about the trail; check weather conditions; bring what you will need.
• You'll get there.
• Take the first step.  Then, the next.  One step at a time.
• Know your capabilities and your limits.
• Take risks, but safety first.
• Take breaks, as frequently as you need them. ("Let's take 5!").  Breathe deeply.
•  Enjoy the view.  Enjoy the journey. Don't focus too much on the trail.  Look up every now and then. Look back, too.  Some of the nicest views I've seen are from looking back.
• Hydrate and eat smartly.
• Pack light.  The hike is so much easier without excess baggage.
• It is not a competition. Respect your own speed and others'.
• Choose your company well. Ideally, someone (individuals) --
• headed in the same direction
• who makes you comfortable in your own skin (read: someone you can be totally honest with and vice versa)
• who understands and respects you (note: not necessarily someone who thinks exactly like you do)
• you have similar interests with, but also different enough to expand you
• who energizes you (a.k.a. NOT toxic)
• Interact.  You will not always meet these individuals again.  Learn from them.  Share what you can.
• Respect differences.  Remember that we are all looking at the world through different lenses.
• Lend a hand to those who need it.
• Ask for help, when you need it. 
• Stretch your limits. You can always do more than you thought you could.
• When you feel like giving up, weigh your options.  Check how far you've gone vs. how far you are from the summit.  And, sometimes, giving up is not an option.  (We don't have helicopters to pick you up and fly you back to the jump off point).
• When you're lost, stay put, call for help and wait for help to come.
• Trust and follow your guides.

In a nutshell:  It is the journey, not the destination.

Do not focus too much on getting to the summit or the destination.  It is often in the trails where I find the most interesting things and views.  This is one of my regrets from a recent hike I took with a friend (especially since it's a place I will likely not have a chance to go back to).  He (and other friends who have been there) said that the farthest lagoon and another trail are unremarkable, and the trek itself would be challenging because it's muddy. Now I am wondering if  I missed out on something beautiful along the way, just because I didn't even give it a chance. 

 

Take the time to fully experience the hike.  Sit on that rock. Lean on a tree. See, smell, touch and feel your surroundings.  

Stop and chat with the people in the communities you pass by.  Ask about their life.  In these conversations, I marvel at how simple and happy their lives are. Yes, there is a lot of difficult manual labor.  But they do not have the kind of worries or stress that keep them awake through the night.  Sometimes I want to live like them. 

Start that conversation and get to know the other hikers.  This is a challenge for me.  The thing is, I find small talk tiresome and a tad useless, so I don't often engage.  I'm amazed at how some people can stretch small talk for hours, but then you walk away not really knowing the other person at all.  So, strike up a real conversation! The truth is, I'm not a stellar conversation starter either.  It is much easier for me to listen to people or answer questions.   I guess it comes from sometimes feeling uncomfortable with direct/too-personal-for-comfort questions from people I hardly know. I don't want to put people in the same uncomfortable situation, so I just wait for them to share whatever they are comfortable sharing.  You can imagine how this becomes quite a problem when I'm stuck with a fellow introvert.  Thus, I have resolved to be brave and start real conversations with fellow hikers I want to get to know better.  

The summit will be there when you get there.  True.  It is a different high reaching the summit.  But it's only as fulfilling as the effort it took to get there.  Some summits are worth it.  Some summits are not.  But the journey itself, the sights we see, the conversations and stories of fellow hikers and the experiences we go through together --- these are ALWAYS worth it.  These are the ones that we relive and retell to others after the hike.  So, just relax , slow down a bit and enjoy the trek.  

(Photos from our Mt. Manalmon hike with #TrailAdventours #ShareLifeOutdoors )

Hiking: A Trigger And Therapy For The Overthinker

(DISCLAIMER:  What follows is MY opinion, based on personal reflection.  Not backed by any scientific study or analysis).

I read from a friend's IG post:
"One of the many things to love about hiking is that it's easy to be in a musing mood when in the wild.  We talk less, walk more (and in the process, meditate more)." Jayvee Tanawan on IG

It dawned on me that THAT is probably why I enjoy it so much.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I feel a need to go on a hike.  I don't always get the answers, but I get clarity.

Photo by:  Ryan Berza

You can go one-on-one with a friend or in a group with familiar and/or unfamiliar people and socialize a bit. But there will always be that inevitable lull when each one: first, gets lost in the beauty of nature; then, gets lost in their thoughts.  Thus, hiking is a trigger for overthinking.

BUT it's also a solution.  The menial task of walking/hiking combined with the beautiful open view helps an overthinker to declutter his/her thoughts and work through them slowly.

The rhythm of a slow (or even a brisk) hike reduces the rushed or panicky feeling an onslaught of thoughts can bring.  Moreso, the pace is completely at his/her control.  (Notice how a person's walking speed shows how relaxed or tensed or angry a he/she is).

The scenery and its mix of simple and complex elements serve as enough distractions to the overthinker, preventing him/her from spiraling or overthinking just one subject.

Plus, every company demands for some attention every now and then.  Sometimes a conversation with a hike buddy serves as a natural break from an overthinker's labyrinth brain.  Sometimes, a hike buddy is just the right person to help thresh out those infinite thoughts.

More importantly, nature has a way of evoking positive uplifting emotions; the most "negative" I felt was probably melancholy, but even that gave way to either hope or resolve eventually.  When you are faced with such unassuming grandeur, it is difficult not to feel God, the depth of His love and the truth in His promise.  There is nothing that cannot be fixed, resolved or found.  Everything is possible.

Photo by:  Ryan Berza

Photo by:  Ryan Berza

Of course, for it to work as  "therapy", it has to be the right level of difficulty and the right distance.  A hike that is too difficult or takes too long can be trying to the most patient person (and, if you run out of trail food, that can quickly escalate --- eep!).

So, if you or anyone you know is an overthinker and is thinking of giving nature hiking a chance, Start with the easy, established trails first (national parks are good bets). Then, work your way up, as  needed, to keep your senses and your soul engaged.  It will not give you all the answers you need, but it can set you on the right track or, at the very least, help empty your mind.  When we are empty, we give Him the opportunity to fill us up.

Misa De Gallo and Christmas 2018

Misa De Gallo Day 1

Day 1 begins with a promise ...

From the 2nd Reading:  Philippians 4:6-7

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Misa De Gallo Day 2

The genealogy of Christ highlights God's recognition and understanding of human frailty; and the promise that He makes all things new.  blessings and graces are not withheld because of our failures, but are given despite of and wholly out of love.

From the Gospel:  Matthew 1:6

"Jesse the father of David the king.  David became the father of Solomon, whose mother had been the wife of Uriah."

Misa De Gallo Day 3

Today's Gospel is one of the few that mentions St. Joseph.  And, even though he said not one word, it was packed:

1. Joseph allowed God to intervene on his marriage.
2. He obeyed without question.
3. He was a man of few words, but only had good and the right intentions for Mama Mary.

From the Gospel:  Matthew 1:24

"When Joseph awoke, he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took his wife into his home."

Misa De Gallo Day 4

Today's readings highlighted 4 characteristics of God:

1. God is always a God of good news.
2. Our God is a God of surprises.
3. Our God is a generous God.
4. Nothing is impossible with God.

His plans may not be the same as our plans and the timing can be different; BUT it's always better.  In fact, it's the best!

From the Gospel:  Luke 1:24-25

"After this time his wife Elizabeth conceived, and she went into seclusion for five months, saying, 'So has the Lord done for me at a time when he has seen fit to take away my disgrace before others.'     "

Misa De Gallo Day 5

Two salient points from today's homily:

1. Mary's response to Angel Gabriel's news teaches us to listen to, accept and live God's word.
2. God does not need our ability.  He needs our obedience and availability to do His will.

From the Gospel:  Luke 1:38

"Mary said, 'Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.' Then the angel departed from her."

Misa De Gallo Day 6

We find true joy -- the kind that is serene, complete and independent of chance -- by following the JOY formula: 1st comes JESUS, then comes OTHERS and YOU, last.

1. There are people who come into our lives that bring inexplicable joy and are catalysts for positive change.  They are Jesus coming into our lives.  We only need to accept and allow Him to bring us that joy.
2. We are also bearers of Jesus to other people.  Let us fulfill that mission joyfully.
3. Finally, we need to trust in God's plans for us and His promise of joy.  Fret not.  He's got this.

From the Gospel:  Luke 1:44-45

"For at the moment the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the infant in my womb leaped for joy.  Blessed are you who believed that what was spoken to you by the Lord would be fulfilled."

Misa De Gallo Day 7

Blessings begin with thanksgiving and a grateful heart.  And thanksgiving brings:  order to chaos, clarity to confusion, enough to insufficiency and peace to anxiety.

Today's Gospel is the Magnificat, Mary's song of thanksgiving (my favorite).  Her soul was overwhelmed by God's amazing grace with two miracle conceptions:  John's and Jesus', both in fulfillment God's plan of salvation.

From the Gospel:  Luke 1:46-49

"Mary said, 'My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.  For He has looked upon His lowly servant.  From this day all generations will call me blessed:  the Almighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name.'"

Misa De Gallo Day 8

This Christmas season, more than material gifts, let us focus on giving the gift of Love manifested through ROSE: Respect, Openness, Sensitivity and Empathy.  

This is the only gift that gives, not just to the receiver but also to the giver -- because it results in joy for both.  So, like Mama Mary in today's Gospel, let us to ordinary things with extraordinary love and bring joy to the world exponentially.

From the Gospel:  Luke 1:39-43

"Mary set out and traveled to the hill country in haste to a town of Judah, where she entered the house of Zechariah and greeted Elizabeth.  When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth, filled with the Holy Spirit, cried out in a loud voice and said, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of  your womb.  And how does this happen to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me?'"

Misa De Gallo Day 9

Today is the final day of the novena Masses.  We look back at how we started Day 1 by Opening our hearts to God; as the days progressed, we felt Him working on our Inner Healing; and, today, we realize that the past days have helped us Develop our perseverance and prayer life.

From the Gospel:  Luke 1:78-79

"... in the tender compassion of our God the dawn from on high shall break upon us, to shine on those who dwell in darkness and shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace."

Christmas Day Mass

The Christmas belens we decorate our homes with are afar cry from the real one that Christ was born in.  If you visit one now, the most notable thing that will remain with you is the stench of animal manure.

So ... just why did God decide to come down to our level and be born in such humble circumstances?

To give dignity to man;

And to show us what we can be if we allow God into our lives and surrender to His will.

From the Gospel:  John 1:14, 16-17

"And the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us, and we saw His glory, the glory as of the Father's only Son, full of grace and truth ... From His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace, because while the law was given through Moses, grace and truth came through Jesus Christ."

Poetic Doses: 346 to 360

#365DaysOfPoetry #RayaBlabbers

346

Like a moth
stubborn
foolishly
courting the flame
and repeatedly dying
in its unforgiving embrace;
I have died
repeatedly
and a little bit more
in your meaningless
and thoughtless embrace.


347

I choose to believe
That in a remote corner of your universe
Is my name written in its stars;
That in your own fashion
You once (or do) loved me.


348

Just Breathe

Not proud
Nor stubborn
Merely weary
Barely breathing
From the endless cycle
Of forwards and backwards
Of coming alive and dying
All over again.


349

In this absolute blackness
The stars came, blanketed over me;
Prodding me to send my signal light
And, with it, the echoes of my heart.


350

I looked up and there she was
My Morning Star
And suddenly the vastness
Was no longer a void
But a sky full of stars
And a shower of fresh wishes.


351

Cheshire cat moon
Grinning at a secret or two
I hope someday soon
To laugh at the joke too.


352

Come
Reach for me
Let us dance
To our hearts' beating
That with each sway
And caress
Our souls burst forth
To life.

(Not dead, just waiting)


353

He realized that all he needed to do was lift his hands;
And there he was, touching the Sun!


354

Christmas is for every child, young and old.
May you always see with the eyes of a child;
and may you never cease finding the wonder in all things.


355

After all the fireworks
All that remains is smoke.


356

In the overall scheme of things, we are tiny and fleeting;
Yet never without consequence or meaning.
One life made better or a singular moment of selfless act
Shall make our minute life worthwhile.


357

I imagine it must have been a night just like this;
Away from the hustle and bustle of the city;
Under a blanket of stars, amidst sheep;
Joseph and Mary finally found a place to rest.

I understand now why He chose to be born there.


358

In her heart she must have known;
And, yet, this joy was so profound, so complete,
That the accompanying agony was worth it all.

***

Round and round this roundabout
So many choices, so many turns;
Somebody tell me which exit to take,


359

My heart overflows with the magnitude of Your love;
And look forward to the promise of the new day,
Knowing that tonight I rest in You.


360

I do not see You
And, yet, You are all around me.

You hear my silent cry amidst the clamor;
See the beauty in my ordinariness;
And sing my lonely away.

I do not see You
And, yet, only You love me completely.

Poetic Doses: 331 to 345

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

331

Between the shadows of your heart
It came tumbling out
(barely audible)
And I pocketed it, guardedly
Between the flickering lights in my heart.


332

In an instant I came crushing down
Eyes still glazed from the trance
Of your perfectly played musical act
And my irreparably skewed reality.


333

I looked up and thought
What a perfect moment.

Dusk ---
When all things beautiful
End in a glorious splash of hope
Even as night creeps in
As surely as the stars that accompany it.

So I took a leap
And laid my heart out to you.

Dawn ---
When all things tired and broken
Get a new lease at life
Even as it means starting over
With the unfamiliar and the unwritten.


334

True love breathes and expands;
And it begins with loving me.


335

She picked them up gingerly
Every broken and bleeding part;
Her cheeks drenched in tears
She walked slowly home;
Then laid them one by one
Carefully at her mother's feet.


336

Little cloud over my head
You dampen my spirit so
Little cloud over my head
Pouring down on me
I wish for wind or just a breeze
To blow you far away from me
Or maybe some little sunshine
To perk my spirits up.


337

And, one day, it was just there
Where it was not
And it grew steadily
Without any trouble
Then it remained quietly, firmly
Without demand or reproach.

Mushrooms (also, Love)


338

No one knows where this road will lead;
But if you take my hand and lead the way,
I'll gladly walk this road and see us through.


***

As if sensing my heart
The sky cried with me.


339

In the morning
Let my eyes open
To the afterglow
Of the warmth of your love.


340

For mornings of clarity
That fill our hearts with peace
Thank You!


341

This warm unshakable happy feeling
Comes with the sun peeking through the trees
It will be a beautiful day!


342

And I have no regrets
I have loved you as best I could
Goodbye


343

The melancholy of Dusk settled
And, on the horizon, the waning crescent moon rose;
She lifted her shotglass to it:
For old love's waning
And to new love's beginning.


344

I stood quietly at heaven's door
In complete awe at its breathless wonder
Marveling at the realization
The only thing that comes close to this
Is that moment when you glimpse
The intricacies of another soul.


345

Fill my days with tasksm
mundane and extraordinary;
That night shall find me
drained to exhaustion;
Only then am I spared
from battling echoes in my head;
These, the inescapable tortures
of the monotony of quiet;
That comes from long drives
on deserted streets;
And 3 am thoughts
as the world sleeps.

Poetic Doses: 301 to 330

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

301

In awe, I watched the landscape
Shifting shades and color
At the whim of the clouds' merry dance.


302

Are we not all mere shadows
As fleeting as the Sun's rising and setting;
Not unlike its beauty
Yet more meaningful than its design.


303

I have weathered endless storms
And countless seasons;
I stand tall and proud with my scars,
My eyes fixed and unwavering towards the sun.


304

Up here, from where I stand,
All things are beautiful and grand;
Yet my heart still longs
For the beauty that is home.


305

I am
So close I can touoch you
But you are
Lightyears away from me.


306

Going with flow;
Flowing where I'll go.


307

Eyes glazed over
Numbed and unmoving
But I was there ...
All of me;
And I was screaming
For you
As you turned your eyes
And walked away.


308

In the Garden
All was still
With unseen eyes
All things watched me.


309

It is here
Underneath the pale light
My soul cradled hers
As she breathed her soul to me
Counting her scrars
That number as the stars
And I
I loved each one.

here
Underneath the pale light
My soul bowed to hers
In honor
As her soul shone
Brighter than the stars
With the beauty and strength
Of her thousand scars.


310

It is a good day
To find the road
That leads me
Back to you.


311

Meow world
Meow rules
Meow definition of success.


312

When I feel small
In the face of trouble
I stand tall
Knowing You are invincible.


313

Life is a series of resets and do-overs;
Every now and then,
Take a pause and press that button.
Recalibrate.
Then start again.


314

This endless field
Of amber dreams
Muted and pale
Against a glimpse of you.


315

Art appreciation
Is much easier than people;
What you see is what you see;
What you feel is what you feel;
There is no wrong or right,
No one hurtful or hurting.
If only there were subtexts
To conversations
And cheatsheets or code breakers
To relationships;
How much simpler
And happier
Life
Would be.


316

Different shores
The same moom
Different lives
The same heart

May the moon shine upon
The waters that lead to you.


317

That I might see
The beauty in me
Beyond the mirror
And the rumor.


318

Wake me from the stupor
Of procrastination;
That I might set on fire
The dreams I sleep to see.


319

Here's to one day burning the midnight oil
To light my life with passions on fire.


320

They flutter gently
Through time and space
And one by one
They fall
without a word
Nor any fuss
Like leaves
At Autumn's door.
The ones we love
And love us true
Fall softly
To deafening silence.


321

I am not dead
Merely sleeping
See, upon Winter
I lay my head
Till I awaken
To Spring morning.


322

I am, to you,
No more than mere earth
Heavy
Inconsequential;
And, yet, I have wings
Strong and in good form.
What heights I could've taken you
If only you took a chance on me.


323

There you go
Swiftly passing by
Without a word
Or thought
Of the me
Reaching after you.


324

That to everyone around me
And at every instance
I might reflect
The true beauty of Your grace
And the boundless capacity
Of Your heart.


325

I am ready
To feel
The rush of wind
Against my face
My heart racing
Wildly against my chest
Take me on
A new high
As my feet remain
Planted firmly on solid ground.


326

Up there the air grows thin.
Remember to stop and take a breath.


327

Life takes us through journeys of a lifetime
That last in a single breath, fading in a blink;
The morning comes and it is only a whisper
But the memory and the scars remain.


328

There is comfort in the freedom of our togetherness.


329

The fear is not in committing
It is in that I can and want to

But you don't (and won't).


330

In a small corner of my heart
I know
You will wake without me
My scent lingering for only a second
And you will be fine.
So will I.

The words I long to say
And hear
Caught between my throat
And the echoes in my heart
And you will be fine.
So will I.

Poetic Doses: 277 to 300

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

277

She walks with a confident nonchalance,
Without any regard on how she looks,
Sparing not even a bored thought on what people say;

But she stands tall on her beliefs,
And waits on no one to effect change;
She ha a level head between her shoulders
And wears her heart on her sleeves;
She is a compelling character
And she compels everyone;
Easily moved, she is a mover of mountains.

She is Woman.


278

There it is, safely stored
in the treasury of my heart
That moment
That space in time
When our worlds collided
And our souls touched
My heart blossoming
A lingering smile upon my lips.


279

Caught up in the wonder
Of all that surround me
I fail to see what I seek
Has been right in front of me.


280

"Walang Hanggan" - a lyrical poetry that grabas at the heart and squeezes to the final teardrop.
(Hormones and the night - very bad mix for the solitary)


281

Peace, often,
Is not the absence of conflict,
Sometimes
It is the decision to walk away.


282

Wherever its humble beginnings
Whether fertile soil or a mere crack on a rock,
Life (and Love) thrives where it is nourished ... consistently.


283

We are an army of faceless warm bodies
Bravely soldiering on to martyrdom
For a profoundly vague yet popular cause
That promises an illusion of importance
Then seeps us dry of life and time
Amidst the roar of an amplified mechanical applause.


284

Lost
In the tangled mess
Of my mind's
Whys, whens and wheres;

Lost
In the unraveled beauty
Of the slowly emerging
Who.


285

Filling your love tank with little quiet moments with a loved one, can help put things into the right perspective and sustain you for the daily grind.


286

Sometimes Life throws a curve ball;
And sometimes it just steps on the breaks.
Life and time are finite;
Made of tiny moments,
Seconds stringed together
Or infinite moments lived fully.

Your choice.
(Bowing my head for a life snuffed  in a blink).


287

Often I feel His love making a way for me ...
Even when I do not see it.


288

I cannot walk in your shoes before you do
And prepare the way for you;
But I can prepare you for the walk
And the shoes you will wear;
And I promise to walk with you
As far as my shoes can take me.


289

Clear skies
Placid waters
Peaceful heart

Something beautiful is unfolding.


290

It doesn't matter,
The twists and turns;
The river flows
To its only home;
You are my ocean
And I am coming home.


291

It's a beautiful magical place,
The sanctuary of a soul,
To touch the secret dreams
And cradle the vulnerabilities;
To feel th throbbing
Of silenced desires;
And hear the whispers
Of a song trapped in chambers.

It's a beautiful magical place,
The sanctuary of a soul,
Behold in reverence.
And take nothing as you leave.


292

I have set my roots
firmly
upon a hope
a childish dream;
while you spoke plainly
and loved ironically;
then
leave.

And I ...
I am still here.


293

Hope is as fleeting as your faith;
Yet as constant and accessible as His love.
(Hang in there).

***

From here I glimpse
Fleeting dreams
And silent screams.


294

In the rush, we miss the many wonders life holds --
the beauty of morning dew on an intricate cobweb;
or the calming steady breath of someone we love,
asleep beside us.


295

I am neither here nor there,
Merely floating in time and space;
I am a ghost that haunts this shell,
Nonexistent now, yesterday and tomorrow;
And, yet, I dream
Eternally of only you.


296

And if you peel ever so gently
You will find me here
The child you thought
You've grown out of;
The dreams and hopes
You hold so guardedly
But never knew
Having never taken flight.


297

In this clean sterile place
Is emptiness
In the wake of your chaos
Is Life's eternal sleep.


298

Makeshift beds
For restless hearts
A brief respite
From the noise outside.


299

Shelter me from my storms
That in your embrace
I find peace
In my own true form.


300

I dream in vivid color
All things I hope for;
Then in black and white
All the fears that haunt me;
And then I find
The Me emerging in between.

KAPAYAPAAN: A Weekend About Peace (Part 2 - My Son's Hike #2)

(Side Note:  I come home from a business trip teeming with stories to share.  Then, I open my blog to realize, that I have yet to finish Part 2 of the "Kapayapaan Weekend". Shoots!)

September 30th was the schedule for our Mt. Hapunang Banoi hike, which my son was joining.  It was his 2nd hike after his graduation hike at Mt. Ayaas.  The night before the hike, he asked me what was the mountain's difficulty rating.  I said it was an easy 2.  And I believed that with my whole heart ... promise!

Hike day came and the trail guide gave us an overview, starting off with, "This is a rated 4 mountain in terms of trail difficulty ..."  At which point my son looked at me from across our little circle and exclaimed, "Mom, you lied!"  Needless to say, that was all the group needed for a good ice breaker.

The trek, although rated 4, was a technical hike.  It tested my son's perseverance and stretched his frustration threshold --- which is one of my objectives for taking him with me.  The second is to train him and build his self-confidence in terms of his balance.  The 3rd, and most important objective, is to bond with him over something we can both enjoy.


The trek met all 3 objectives, but not without a significant amount of grunting, whining and cramping from my son.  But I am grateful to have the unwavering support of everyone in our hike group, especially my hike buddy, my sister and our favorite sweeper, Matt.  They showed tremendous tolerance and patience for my son and boosted his morale with loads of encouragements, good humor and cheer.











At the summit, while my son clung for dear life atop one of the rugged rocks, he said to me, "Mom, this weekend was all about peace." 
"How so?"
"Yesterday was #Peacified which is peace with all people.  Today is peace with nature."
I smiled proudly at him, lost for words.
"Thank you, Mom.  This is worth it,"  he adds, while enjoying the breathtaking view.
(Heartmelt!)








What made me most proud, however, were the moments when I would offer a hand and he would tell me, "Mom, I'm trying to figure it out by myself.  I can do this. Please let me."  (Side story:  I was tickled at the thought that I told my Papa something similar when he was teaching me how to parallel park).  I worried that letting my son take his time would significantly slow us down, but I realized how important it was for him to learn this.  So, I let him maneuver the trail on his own with me, my hike buddy and our sweeper strategically positioned to ensure we can support him when needed.  It gave my son a sense of fulfillment and definitely increased his self-confidence. 

At the jump off point, he said, "Mom, I am so tired.  It's so hard, but it's worth it.  I'm happy. I can tell Teacher Yssa and my classmates about it!"

Indeed, it was worth it!

AND we made it back to the jump off point well ahead of the target time. 

KAPAYAPAAN: A Weekend About Peace (Part 1 - #Peacified)

Representatives from different communities
leading the group prayer. 

September 29 was the #Peacified event of my son's school, Creative Learning Paths, and its partner organizations.  It is an annual Peace Fair organized as part of the "Teach Peace, Build Peace" Movement and participated in by schools catering to Christians, Muslims and Indigenous communities.

I didn't want to go because, honestly, I would rather help my sister (Inadoodles) teach her Art Class at CBTL Bistro in BGC than melt in my son's outdoor school activity. But it was my son's first major school activity outside of school and he was really looking forward to it.  I'm glad we attended.

The event, although it did not disappoint in its promise of extreme heat, more than made up with the activities and the booths.



PEACE BUDDY

The best part of the program was that of pairing up kids from different schools to finish a set of activities in their "peaceport" together.  This gave each child that joined a first hand interaction with another child who was brought up very differently, inculcating a mindset of diversity and inclusion.

A few weeks before the event, the parents had to sign up their kids for this part of the program.  I left the option open and told my son what I thought about it, but told him that I am letting him decide for himself. I didn't want to force him into an interaction and end up disappointing (or frustrating) him and his potential buddy.

My son's buddy was a Muslim boy, Mohammad.

I was so happy when he decided to sign up for it.  On the day itself, though, I was a bit worried about how my son would react.  I forgot to brief him on the ride over (Yes, he needs to be prepared emotionally and mentally).  But when they were called, he did not hesitate to join Mohammad with a smile and even went in for a high-five.  (#ProudMomMoment).

I shadowed them for awhile until he said, "Mom, you can go around the booths by yourself" - a silent assurance that he's got it, as well as, a veiled plea for me to buzz off.

PEACE BOOTHS

There were a number of booths with various materials on Peace.  It was only then that I realized the broad scope and the diverse meaning of Peace.  Peace is also a kind of spectrum!  It means different things to different people and, yet, if you really get down to its very core, we all want the same kind of peace.

The booths that caught my attention:

• Teach Peace, Build Peace booth.  The booth had tarps on the movement's main strategies: (1) Nurturing Peace in the Heart of Every Child; (2)  Building Peace Heroes Alliance; and (3) Institutionalizing Peace Education for All.

Teach Peace Build Peace

• Christianity booth. It had a reading lounge area with pillows and lots of quick easy-read Bible story books and lives of saints. There was a huge board just outside where anyone can post their prayers and thoughts on peace. Going through what the kids put up on the board was both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

          

• Islam booth. The booth had various reading materials and cultural effects that highlighted Muslim beliefs and way of life.  There was a board with some basic teachings which, I realized, had its corresponding teachings in Christianity.  Outside the booth was another board with prayers and peace thoughts as well. What I read in this board was not too different from what I read on the Christianity board. 

      

• Aeta booth. My son enjoyed going through this booth as the Aetas brought various unique products made of plants they grow.  I saw some toys that were reminiscent of my childhood.  The kids marveled at the simple yet ingeniously functional toys.

      

• The Army booth.  Yes, the military was there and they had no guns.  They even had male and female soldier mascots; and a photobooth that let the kids wear different uniforms ... even a camouflage that made them look like part of the foliage!
• The "-ism" booth.  I forgot what it was called (Haha!).  But it had different kinds of games that the peace buddies had to complete together.  There was one that highlighted all the different ways people tend to discriminate these days.

Going through the booths was eyeopening for me and, I realized, there is so much more I need to teach my son (and myself) about peace.  

SURPRISE TREAT

While I wandered around the booths by myself, I stumbled upon one of our previous neighbors I grew up with.  I always considered her as one of my little sisters and, apparently, she considered me as an older sister.  In fact, that's what she said when she introduced me to her boyfriend.  While our kids mingled with school friends and new friends, the two of us had a marathon catch-up over iced coffee, while dutifully taking photos and videos of our kids.

We were both very happy to find out, that, without our prompting (or conniving), our kids met each other in school and hit it off instantly --- even though they belong to different grade levels with very different dispositions (her daughter is an introvert, while my son is an extrovert).  It just goes to show how much we are limiting ourselves once we start putting labels on people.

That said, knowing that my son has an "older sister" watching his back in school definitely gives me some peace of mind.

THE END OF THE FAIR

We had to leave before my son's class had their presentation, since we had to catch an anticipated Mass.  (We had a scheduled Sunday hike the following day and wanted to make sure we don't miss it).  While walking towards the car, my son thanked me for taking him to the peace fair.  I took the opportunity to debrief with him and exchange thoughts on the events of the day.

Me:  "Why did you ask me to talk to Mohammad?"

A:  "Because I don't know what to talk about and you always do"

Me:  "You should have tried looking for something in common"

A:  "I did.  We both like Art ... and games"

Me:  "And?"

A:  "We made a peace poster"

Me:  "That's it?  Did you finish the 'peaceport' activities?"

A:  "Yes po ... but I wanted to be with my friends, too."

I sighed.  That meant he ditched Mohammad as soon as they finished all the tasks.  I had hoped they would hit it off.  I debated whether to go into a lecture or to park it for another day.  I parked it and decided to talk about the interesting stuff I saw at the booths.  "Read this," I said, handing over my phone with a photo of a Muslim kid's prayer to Allah.  He glanced at it and gave it right back.

Me:  "Did you read it?"

A:  "Yes po, but it doesn't even matter because it's for Allah"

I looked at him in dismay. "I can't believe you just said that!  Allah is the Muslim's version of God.  How do you think Mohammad will feel about what you said?"  My son turned pale and then looked at me in horror at the realization. I piled on, "How would you feel if Mohammad dismissed our God the way you did his Allah?"

A: "I get it now, Mom. I know.  I'm sorry. I am still trying to understand and be respectful."

Social interactions and sensitivities do not come as naturally or as easily for people in the spectrum.  A lot of the social actions, reactions and behaviors need to be taught and hammered into them.  They follow patterns they learn and make them into rules.  But the right reaction to a situation may not always be the same.  There are other factors that come into play that help us determine the right behavior. It is in this subjectivity and discretion where the neuroatypical often falter ... and where neurotypicals need to give them more concessions.

My son was taught to be a staunch Catholic.  His reaction came from years of pounding on him the Catholic doctrines and beliefs.  Apparently, I have not done a very good job at teaching him about  Christ's brand of Love and what He meant by universal Church.  

I soldier on.  So, help me God.

My son's and his peace buddy's peace poster