Poetic Doses: Cafe Window, North Star

Cafe Window

With a start he realizes
Love breathes

In the deepest recesses of his heart;

And it wakens,
Roaring back to life,
With just a fleeting vision of her
After so many years

Through the cafe window.

North Star

He joined the old man on the rock ledge.

Through the tobacco smoke, he stared up at the North Star ...

"You never told me," he began.

"What do you mean?", the old man asked.

"You said, 'for every man is a woman who will be his true North' ..."

The old man puffed, waiting.

"You never said she would be exactly like the North Star ...

always within sight, but painfully just out of reach."

His grandfather looked at him intently, 

then at the house 

and through the porch window,

where she was painting ---

oblivious to the observers

and

the heart that beats for her.

I Am LoveSick

This is not a review of the play. I am no authority on the rudiments and technicalities, so I won't go there.

BUT I would recommend it to everyone, because it presents the realities of relationships in the same way that sugar makes it easy to swallow a bitter pill.  I recommend it to everyone, because everyone needs to look in the mirror, truly see themselves and recognize the work-in-progress --- who is far from perfect, but also far better than the first draft.  I recommend it to everyone, because each relationship is a dance with another work-in-progress --- who may not always be the version compatible to the current version of YOU.

That said, I shall move on to the heart of this blog:  The part which struck me most, the final act which tied in all the other acts.  Specifically, this line:  "Why doesn't anyone ever call it destiny ... [when you end up alone]?"

It triggered a barrage of "a-ha!'s" and a realization that I am LoveSick.  It's a barrage, so bear with me as I try to articulate all of them as best as I can.

1. Every now and then we need some breathing room.  Sometimes the other room works; sometimes it needs to be farther.  Sometimes counting to five is enough, sometimes it needs a much longer time.  
2. Timing is crucial.  If your life stages are not in sync, it will be like fitting a square peg into a round hole.  Don't force anything now.  When the time is right for both of you, it will be as if stars aligning.  
3. Life is a ball.  When a partner decides to move on to the next partner, don't skip that beat.  Dance with your next partner.  Just keep dancing.  Sometimes you circle back into each other's arms.  Sometimes you stumble into the arms of the one, who will want to walk with you through the gardens for the rest of the evening.
4. Remember your name.  Do not allow yourself to get lost in everyday trivial things nor allow your relationships to define you.  You are important, too.  Relationships are meant to expand, not restrict.  Also, be wary of the tendency to restrict yourself and blaming other people for your self-inflicted misery.
5. Alone times are our destiny. Life is a solo journey.  We come into the world alone.  And we leave it alone.   Therefore, alone times are, actually, normal. Those are your lucid intervals, when you see and understand things more clearly.  Afterall, hindsight is always 20/20. 
6. Someone loved you first. Allow Him to show you the beauty of your lights and shadows together - through His looking glass. Revel in His love and  allow yourself to love YOU (buy yourself a self-love ring!). 
7. All we need is Love.  Only when you've learned to love yourself are you better able to give love and accept the love coming your way (or has been knocking at your door).

Finally, when your stars have aligned, Love is a decision.  In whatever form it may be, it is a decision you need to make. Every. Single. Day.  

Make no mistake, it takes a LOT of grace (between gritted teeth).  So, pray.

Poetic Dose: Morning Dew

Morning Dew

I enjoy mornings like this,
when everything is bright and yawning awake
with the morning dew
like a fresh layer of tears ...

"I cried for you," she said,
looking at me for the first time.
I turned to her, puzzled,
my eyes searching hers as she looked back to the fields.
"I'm not oblivious.  I'm an artist.  I feel everything --- intensely ...
Love, especially."

I had no words, just morning dew upon my cheeks,
as I watched her walk away from me
forever.

Reflection on Readings / Bigger Bear Series: A Weekend of Fire

This weekend was all about FIRE.

It was the opening week of "Ignacio De Loyola".  We were urged by friends from the community not to wait for the weekend to watch, since movies like this sometimes do not make it to the weekend due to low turnout.  We've been waiting for this, so we decided to carve out time for it.

My sister was supposed to watch with me and my son.  She even bought the tickets herself via SureSeats.  But she had to finish some work, so my Mom went with us.

A:  "Mom, is it Lola's first time?"
Me: "First time ... ?"
A:  "First time to watch a movie"

My son's 11 years old.  He doesn't remember my Mom ever watching a movie.  That's how long it's been since she last stepped into a cinema ... and we feel blessed watching "Ignacio De Loyola" together.

I felt bad my sister wasn't able to join us for the movie because it was highly relevant to where we both stand in our lives right now. BUT she came with me to the Parents' Recollection at CFA and it was just as good ... because both revolved around the same theme:  Fire.

There are 3 Aspects of God's Fire:

1. Refiner's Fire
2. Heart on Fire
3. One Match

REFINER'S FIRE

1st Reading
Ecclesiastes 1:2; 2:21-23
"Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!"

"Ignacio De Loyola" starts off with the forging of the saint's sword in fire. This was symbolic of the difficult purification he had to undergo later in life, its depiction in the movie was a blend of Christ's temptation and agony in the garden.  I imagine the inner turmoil is similar for each of us whenever we are tested; and the same anguish at realizing that we once again gave in to our weaknesses. At the end of it God's voice echoed in his heart, "You are forgiven."  So are we.  Each time.

During his inquisition, Ignacio's journal was submitted for scrutiny.  In it, he chronicled the constant struggle against vanity and his regular exercises of checking his intentions - does he do things for God's glory or his?

Homeschooling is not easy.  There are good days and bad days.  And, sometimes, the good days are too few and too far in between.  On those days, Monster Mom makes frequent appearances and I torture myself with deprecating self-talk - totally deserved.  I apologize to my son (and he apologizes, too) and he forgives me, saying, "Let's try again, Mama".  Each time.

As a homeschooling parent, I have the tendency to equate my son's academic success or failure to my success or failure as parent.  I constantly need to ground myself on my reason for homeschooling:  my son.  It's not about me.  It's about him entirely.  I should respect my son's pace and capabilities.  No comparison and no rushing (as much as the deadlines permit) In the same way, I need to recognize my own capabilities and capacities as well.  It is okay to ask for help.

From Refiner's Fire
"Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within"

HEART ON FIRE

2nd Reading
Colossians 3:1-5, 9-11
"... you have taken off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed, for knowledge, in the image of its creator."

Responsorial Psalm

Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain wisdom of heart. "

After his purification, Ignacio emerged a new person, his heart burning with the desire to do God's will. During his retreat at Manresa, he developed (or started to) his spiritual exercises, which detailed techniques in deciphering God's will - both in simple and difficult situations in life.  These daily exercises help keep the heart on fire and serve as compass to walk our God-ordained paths.

Our first speakers, Bro. Raul and Sister Hedi, talked about their lives as homeschooling parents in a foreign country, Thailand. They shared 5 key things that enabled them to sustain homeschooling and successful family life, which also help keep hearts on fire:

1. Prayer and Scripture.  They prescribe daily morning and evening prayers with Scripture reading. These are integral in discerning God's will - not just for major decisions, but in daily seemingly trivial decisions as well.  Morning prayers help set the tone for the day, while evening prayers afford us a chance to review what happened the entire day and examine our hearts.
2. Eucharist.  The Eucharist is the highest form of prayer.  We should try to attend Mass as often as possible - not just on Sundays.  It is a highly recommended cure for times of difficulties, heartaches (whatever kind it is) and discernment.
3. The Holy Spirit.  He is the Helper who provides us with the graces we need to go through life --- Love, most of all ... and "Love is the essence of peace."  It is God's Love that keeps our hearts burning.
4. Family Life.  The most effective venue for building relationships within the family is through meal times.  Spending meal time with our love ones keeps both our bodies and spirits healthy.
5. Community Life.  The community provides much-needed support in times of difficulties, as well as, enable spiritual growth and formation.

Take and Receive
"Take and receive, O Lord, my liberty
Take all my will, my mind, my memory
All things I hold and all I own are Thine
Thine was the gift, to Thee I all resign

Do Thou direct and govern all and sway
Do what Thou wilt, command, and I obey
Only Thy grace, Thy love on me bestow
These make me rich, all else will I forego."

ONE MATCH

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17
"Fill us at daybreak with your kindness, that we may shout for joy and gladness all our days."

Gospel
Luke 12:13-21
"But God said to him, ‘You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong?’ Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God.”

When Ignacio left for his scholarship in France, his cousin, Calixto, said (something similar), "May you set more souls on fire."  We are in this world to do God's will.  It is easy to get distracted or lost in the concerns of daily life and society's constant focus on success.  But what really is success?  We often find ourselves striving for what society defines as successful, when we really should focus on successfully delivering against God's plans for us.  Each person was brought into this world for a reason.  And it is never for himself/herself.  It is always to touch another soul/s and make God's love more palpable for that person/s.

As a homeschooling mom, the primary person whose life I touch is my son's.  If I will make good use of my one match, it should be in making an explosion in the life of my son so that he becomes a bigger fire through whom more people's hearts are set on fire.

A beautiful and noble cause - sounds poetic and easy written down like this.  I wish it were so.  As Bro. Alvin Barcelona aptly pointed out, "Love is a decision ... a decision we need to make daily with deliberate doables." Relationships, afterall, if left alone, eventually fizzle out.

He recommends 4T's [in relation to relationship with God] :

1. Talk [Prayer].  Communication = Articulating + Listening.  It's a two-way street.  It's not communication if only one person is talking while the other one listens.  That's a sermon.
2. Text [God's Word].  Leverage on current technologies to stay in touch.  Go the extra mile and use old-school methodology of handwritten notes/letters.
3. Table [Eucharist].  Regularly schedule (table) activities with the family and with individual members of the family.
4. Tag/Touch [Community]. "We need at least 7 hugs a day".  Physical touch  or show of affection is essential to human relationships.  I don't think this needs to be explained, but it's often taken for granted.  It also means expand beyond your own family and touch other people's lives.

 And these are held together by the most important T:  TIME.

Sometimes, in my zeal to help develop my son into the best version of himself, I pick at every single flaw in his manners, character, academic and non-academic works.  Bro. Bo Sanchez calls this:  Over-parenting (cue in nudge paired with tongue-sticking-out from my sister).  How do I avoid this?

• See.  Visualize what I want for my child, but not too specific.  Let it be God's will for him.  Then, translate this into prayer said out loud, so that he is also able to visualize this for himself.  Let it be a prayer of gratitude, which is one of the most powerful forms of prayers --- because it exhibits faith and trust that He will deliver.
• Sow.  Sow through action:  Spending time and loving unconditionally, regardless of how many times I have had to explain that Math concept.  I should do everything to help enable the God's vision or dream for him
• Surrender. This is the key to preventing over-parenting.  Surrender everything to God.  Release all worries to Him, sit back, and let Him do His work.

We've heard it said, a parent's job is never done.  BUT it changes through time. These are the three hats we wear, according to Bro. Bo:

• Controller.  While the kids are young, we wear the Controller hat, making sure that our children's needs are taken cared of and laying down the foundational values (by constantly telling them what to do and what not to do - hehe!) that build into their character.
• Coach.  From 11 years old, we switch to the Coach hat.  This is is when we move into the box off-field.  This means, we stand in the sidelines and let them experience life, put into practice what we taught them. Let them feel the pain and consequences of their actions.  And, then, we call them back for a huddle and reinforcement of what we taught them. No nagging.
• Consultant. Then, when they are all grown, we give up the Coach hat for the Consultant hat.  This means we let them live their lives as they deem fit without contradicting or condemning.  In fact, we should respect their decisions (and trust that we taught them the right values) and don't say anything until we are asked or consulted.

From Fight Song

"Like a small boat

On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion"

As I Color The "Don't Control Your Lines & Colors" Doodle by Teektura

I started this project 20 days ago, deciding to follow exactly what the doodle piece said, "Don't control your lines and colors.  Let them be."

I quickly realized it would be a challenge.

10 minutes later, I was still staring at the page, trying to make sense of the entire picture and nowhere near deciphering it.  Needless to say, I had not laid a single color on the page.

Pathetic.

So, mustering all my courage, I picked up the color yellow ... because I could make sense that the "Y" was a pencil. And, after some self-talk, I tried to just pick up any pencil and color away.

But, then, a part of me still needed a general direction or vision; a meaning to it all.  I can't just roll with it aimlessly.

Perhaps it's personality.  Who knows.  Anyway ...

I thought, there's no logic to the entire picture, so I started making sense of some small sections and defining the others.  I derived fulfillment completing those sections, one after the other.  The next thing I knew, I had colored most of the distinguishable doodles on the page.

I straightened up and, then, I finally saw an overall picture (which I won't reveal. hehe!).  I was happy with it.  I knew then how to complete it.  And I excitedly proceeded to execute.

While working on the finishing touches, I found out that I cannot completely stick to how I envisioned to finish it.  I had to make some "artistic" judgement calls.

But, when I was finished, I was very happy with the outcome.  It turned out really nice! (Note: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you don't need to agree with me).

Life, I guess, is pretty much the same way.  Nobody really knows the full picture. Small sections of it are revealed to us as we move through life and we do our best to live those sections in vibrant color.  At times, there are sections that just don't make sense.  It is up to us to define those sections and bring out the best colors and images possible.

Then, later on, we will see how wonderfully all these small sections come together into a beautiful and meaningful montage.

The key is not to over-analyze and petrify yourself. Just get started.  Then allow things to unfold in their own pace and reveal themselves in their own time.

It will all come together.

And it will be a breathtaking piece.  Promise.

Reflection on Readings: Don't Give Up on Us ... Habang May Buhay (While There is Life) - Part II, Updated

(My sister was kind enough to tell me the 3rd classification - God, the 7-11, from Fr. Assistant-Parish-Priest. I considered just leaving it be, but it's pretty relevant ... so, now, there are 4 types: 3 from the priest and 1 innovative type from me - which I dub, God, the Judge) 

The assistant parish priest in our parish gave a well-prepared (and entertaining) homily last Sunday, which rounded up the readings quite well.  It's not rocket science.  It may not even be entirely new.  But definitely worth brushing up on and a good reminder for most of us.

Fr. Assistant-Parish-Priest (boo me for not knowing his name!) classified our view of the God we pray to into 3 types and I've added 1 more:
(DISCLAIMER:  I didn't get to take down notes, so will explain the concepts in my own way.  For those who were at the same Mass, don't kill me for not getting it 100% perfect ... but shall do my best and add in my own flavors)

1. God, the Waiter.  We come to Him in prayer with a litany of things we want from Him, expecting Him to serve everything we ask for in a silver platter.  And, when He doesn't give us exactly what we want when we want them, we complain, "God is not answering my prayer!"  My dear, He answers all prayers.  It's just that not all are "Yes" - because not everything we want is good for us (one of my "wise" mommy lines); some are "No" because He is saving you from a disaster or He has something better in store (something so much better you didn't even think to add it into your list); some are "Not now" because there is a time for everything and He is waiting for "favorable conditions", so that, when He finally gives it to you, you are ready and are able to receive it in its fullness.
2. God, the ATM.  We expect that if we "deposit" a lot of good works, then we can make "withdrawals" anytime, anywhere for absolutely anything.  We feel entitled, that we grumble like a brat whenever God doesn't grant us our wishes. We throw back at Him our good deeds, expecting something in return.  God's graces are not rewards nor are they bought.  Grace comes from the Latin "gratis", which means it's "free"!  The graces and blessings He pours on us are given because they are exactly what we need, not deserve.  If God uses the currency of "what-you-deserve" on us, we won't get anything.
3. God, the 7-11.  Much like our trips to 7-11, we don't go to God as often --- only when we are desperate.  He is our last resort.  When all our tactics don't pan out, when we've knocked on too many doors that won't open to us --- that's the only time we go to God for help.  But that should not be the case.  He should be our go-to guy.  If only we'd "seek Him first" before everything else, then we would save ourselves so much time going through all the wrong turns and reworking the wrong solutions. Going to Him first (whether for help or consultation) is the most efficient strategy ... because it increases our chances of getting it right the first time.
4. God, the Judge.  Sometimes we feel that, when God doesn't grant us our prayers, He is punishing us for not being good.  Contrary to popular belief, God does not keep a record of wrongs.  What for?  When He already died for us? Our sins have their consequences /repercussions and accompanying guilt, which are (trust me) punishment enough.  Those do not come from God.  Those are effects of our actions. He is not exacting, but encouraging, "Get up, brush yourself off and try again."  So, don't give up on yourself ... and on others.  Afterall, we are all works-in-progress, each in our own journey towards the God-envisioned versions of ourselves.    

2nd Reading
Colossians 2:12-14
"Brothers and sisters: You were buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead. And even when you were dead in transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, he brought you to life along with him, having forgiven us all our transgressions; obliterating the bond against us, with its legal claims, which was opposed to us, he also removed it from our midst, nailing it to the cross."

So ... how should we pray?

Just ask ... again and again and again ... persistently.  So long as it's not detrimental for you or anyone else (i.e.  "Please let one of the 1st class passengers miss the flight, so that I get bumped up" - Tsk, tsk, tsk! Shame on you!), God will grant it.

Gospel
Luke 11:1-13
"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

1st Reading
Genesis 18:20-32
"But he still persisted: “Please, let not my Lord grow angry if I speak up this last time. What if there are at least ten there?” He replied, “For the sake of those ten, I will not destroy it.”

Ask like a child, asking his/her Father ... hopeful and with unwavering faith.

GOSPEL ACCLAMATION
"You have received a Spirit of adoption, through which we cry, Abba, Father."

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 138:1-2, 2-3, 6-7, 7-8
R: Lord, on the day I called for help, you answered me.

Ask within the right parameters ... always in line with God's will.

Gospel
Luke 11:1-13
"He said to them, “When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, [your will be done].'

And ask with a grateful heart ... whatever the answer is.  Because whatever it is, it's best.

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 138:1-2, 2-3, 6-7, 7-8
 "I will give thanks to you, O Lord, with all my heart, for you have heard the words of my mouth; in the presence of the angels I will sing your praise;  I will worship at your holy temple and give thanks to your name. Because of your kindness and your truth; for you have made great above all things your name and your promise. When I called you answered me;"

Reflection on Readings: Don't Give Up on Us ... Habang may Buhay (While There is Life) - Part I

I considered writing some other time, since I desperately need to get my body clock into the right time zone.  But the Sunday readings are too rich and relevant in several fronts, that I doubt I would be able to sleep until I've reigned in the tornado in my head into some form of writing.

1st Reading
Genesis 18:20-32
"In those days, the Lord said: “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great, and their sin so grave, that I must go down and see whether or not their actions fully correspond to the cry against them that comes to me. I mean to find out.” ...
But he still persisted: “Please, let not my Lord grow angry if I speak up this last time. What if there are at least ten there?” He replied, “For the sake of those ten, I will not destroy it.”

More often, this passage is used to talk about God's infinite mercy ... mostly in the context of saving the city for the sake of the ten who are innocent. But something about this passage always "troubled" me. My over-analyzing brain felt I was missing something.  And, after so many years, it finally dawned on me.  Sparing Sodom and Gomorrah (if there are ten innocents), is both an act of mercy and of God's faith in us.

Think about it.  If Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed - innocent and guilty alike - there really wouldn't be any issue for the innocents.  They will eventually go to heaven upon Jesus' resurrection. Sparing the cities was not just for the benefit of the innocents, but, more so, for the guilty. It gives them an opportunity to change.  But why spare the cities only when there are innocents found?  Because God believes in the capacity of the innocents to help the guilty towards the right path. Because He believes, where there is a spark of light, a fire is possible.

"I might have only one match, but I can make an explosion." (Rachel Platten, Fight Song)

Fight Song (including lyrics)

I personally know a number of people who have not only changed, but also went on to become catalysts for change for more people.  And it always, always started with at least one person believing in their capacity to change and walking with them along that difficult road.

• One is a member of our community who got into drugs. With the support, love and faith of his family, close friends and the community, he was able to overcome it.  Now, he is making a difference as a sports coach to young boys and as a pair of eyes behind a lens for capturing special memories.
• One used to be an "inmate" in one of the government facilities for delinquent youths.  A couple we know dedicated their lives into facilitating the psychological rehabilitation program, often acting as "parents" for these youths whose own families have given up on them.  He now has a stable job while still helping out in the program, serving as an example and an inspiration.
• One is a relative who dappled on drugs and went around with the wrong crowd.  One incident almost cost him his life.  At that time, he felt he was incapable of getting out of the deep pit he was in.  There was an outpouring of love and support from family within the country and across other countries.  He completed his education, worked on extra certifications and is a loving and responsible family man.

There are more I know of and, I'm sure, so much more I don't even know of.  Heck!  Most lives of saints are the same way:  really rotten characters, who eventually turned 180 degrees to become great saints.  It took St. Monica 17 years of persistent prayer before St. Augustine became one of the greatest saints and Doctor of the Church.

St. Augustine - Patron of Brewers (read: Alcoholics)

Change is possible.  Change will come ... with proactive support, persistent prayer, time and, most of all, a chance to change.

"I believe that in the battle between guns and ideas, ideas will, eventually, win.  Because the ideas are invisible, and they linger, and, sometimes, they can even be true.
Eppur si muove:  and yet it moves."  

(Neil Gaiman, January 19, 2015 issue of Guardian)

Poetic Dose: Secret Room

Near Light

I was decompressing over doodles and colored pens.  And then it came.  First, the music ... and then a flood of emotions.  I sat up, listening to the music and waited for the flood to subside ... just enough to filter through the emotions and string them together into the closest semblance of coherence.  The final product does not do justice.

But I thank you for letting me into your secret room.  I am irrevocably and wonderfully changed.

Secret Room

it comes in waves ---

sometimes a sudden onslaught 

at times, a gentle wash

but always, always ... slowly ebbing.

it comes in crowded rooms

amidst boisterous laughter; senseless chatter.

it comes in beautiful sunsets

settling heavily at dusk.

it comes in the familiar 

the whisper of a shadow.

it comes in the unfamiliar 

the dream of a hand upon my shoulder.

and, mostly, it comes in solitude

in my secret room

where i search for you,

scream - in silence - for you

for just one last dance

one last embrace

for just one last kiss on my forehead 

...

just one.

Poetic Dose

Artwork:  Faila Sufaan

Rain

i feel it coming

long before it descends

everything is still; anticipating

the silence:  melancholic.

and then it falls

a grand curtain of gray

the world seemingly mourning

as it softly whispers, "pitter, patter."

an elegant adagio

through life and still-life

an old canvass made new

stripped of color.

finally, a playful pirouette

as it gently kisses the parched earth

everything in its wake,

cleansed and breathing ...

... as my heart.

Reflection on Readings: Just Do It!

Last Sunday's readings are both beautiful and embarrassing. Beautiful, because God laid out His desires in a simple and straightforward (read:  idiot-proof) manner.  Beautiful, because He also reassured us that He's got this - everything is in His hands. Embarrassing, because it's so simple it's embarrassing that He had to spell it out for us.

Gospel
Luke 10:25-37
"There was a scholar of the law who stood up to test Jesus and said, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you read it?” He said in reply, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” He replied to him, “You have answered correctly; do this and you will live.”

1st Reading
Deuteronomy 30:10-14
"Moses said to the people: If only you would heed the voice of the Lord, your God, and keep his commandments and statutes that are written in this book of the law, when you return to the Lord, your God, with all your heart and all your soul.  For this command that I enjoin on you today is not too mysterious and remote for you. It is not up in the sky, that you should say, ‘Who will go up in the sky to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?’ Nor is it across the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?’No, it is something very near to you, already in your mouths and in your hearts; you have only to carry it out.”

In both readings God tells us that we already know His will - which is, basically, to LOVE.  It is embedded in our hearts, something we know innately.  It is not something that we need to search for or even analyze.  It's right there, in plain sight. All we really need to do is actually do it!

I have this compulsion to over-analyze things.  I feel it in my gut.  This is God's will and yet I go over it again and again in my head.  Is this God's will or is this what I think is God's will?  And, so, I stand in that same place, unmoving, stupefied - for ages!  So much time wasted just thinking if it's the right thing, if it's God's will.  Tsk, tsk, tsk!

2nd Reading
Colossians 1:15-20
"Christ Jesus is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn ofall creation. 16 For in him were created all things in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers; all things were created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

"In Him all things hold together"

So, once I've finally established and I'm absolutely sure it's God's will, the next thing I do is obsess over how I will go about it.  I analyze the current state and assess it vs. my future/ideal state.  Then I see all the obstacles and the impossibilities.  I obsess over the "how-to's" and kill myself worrying about how I can accomplish His will when:  (1) I only have 24 hours in my day; (2) I am a single mom; (3) I have limited resources; (4) Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I can just imagine Him shaking His head.  If I would only stop and be still long enough to hear Him say (and believe as He does):  "Relax, I've got this", then I'd probably be a freer and happier person.  

I know all these in theory.  I'd score perfect on a written exam.  But I'm flunking big time in actual practice.  I constantly have to remind myself that He truly holds all things together and everything will fall into place in His time.  I just need to keep going and focus on doing my part.  

Him first and then everything else will follow.

Bigger Bear Series: Keep an Eye Out for the Silver Lining

A series of unfortunate events ...

1. I gassed up at a Caltex station with really bad Starcard connection.  After the nth try and 15 minutes later, I begrudgingly swiped my card.  They gave me a 1.5 liter of coke, which I don't drink ... but our guests the following day did.
2. I rushed home in hopes of having dinner with the family, only to find out that everyone was out.  I finally had an opportunity to use my HappyPlus credits and got myself free food from Jollibee.  Since I was in the vicinity, I finally satisfied my Razon's halo-halo craving as well.
3. I went to work for a meeting, which was cancelled.  I could have worked from home.  And then they distributed the year-end snack packs. Yey!
4. I got bumped while my car was stopped in front of a red light. The car behind me was hit by a truck and the guy had the presence of mind to try and swerve away.  He still hit me, but with lesser damage.  At that late hour, my entire family kept me company on viber; my brother and sister drove to the police outpost; my tito (and his entire family) drove out to check on me as well; and the truck driver owned up to it and the insurance will cover for the damages.
5. The National Museum was free for June, so we made sure to schedule a trip before the month ended.  We had planned to leave early to be at the museum door when it opened at 10 am.  We wanted to go through both the Art Museum and the Artifacts Museum.  Being the nocturnal creatures that we were --- we woke up late, drove through heart-attack-hair-pulling worthy Manila traffic and arrived at noon.  But, when we walked in, we were greeted by Juna Luna's Spoliarium ... and we walked through the halls lost in all the art ... for HOURS.
6. Needless to say, the entire afternoon was sufficient only for the Art Museum.  We thought, bummer, we'll have to go back some other day and pay for it.  But then, on July 1st, the National Museum announced it was going to bee free ... ongoing!
7. It was raining when we left the museum.  We were all famished, so we decided to go to Intramuros for late lunch / heavy merienda.  By the time we finished, the sky had cleared and we had the opportunity to go to San Agustin Church, which was perfect for A's Art Lessons on old architecture!
8. Math day this week was bad.  We finished late and only managed one out of the two topics we were targeting.   Then I had to bring A with me to the office, since my sister was supposed to pick-up the police report for me.  A Math lover colleague came by to say 'hi' and ended up coaching my son on his Math lessons.  They covered both topics in a couple of hours ... with my son: (1) exclaiming "I luv Math"; and (2) complaining about going to dinner ... because he still wanted to do Math.   
9. I brought my sister with me so she could pick up the police report and go to the service center to get an estimate for my car's repairs.  And then we realized she couldn't get back in without my ID - which I needed while I was in the office.  Then a really stressed friend needed to decompress and we were more than willing to decompress with her.  Impromptu get-together!
10. My sister had two foiled efforts at going to DFA for her passport renewal.  A couple of days before her nth appointment, she got a call from DFA.  They were bumping her up a day ahead of schedule. On that day, she had the courtesy lane privilege and completed everything in 30 minutes. THIRTY MINUTES!

... if you keep an eye out for it, you'll find, there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.

Reflection on Readings: How to Eliminate Your Enemy

Once, when he was much smaller, my son engaged me and my dad in a conversation.  After reading the Philippines Almanac, he maintained that the Spanish soldiers who fought against the Katipuneros were all bad.  My dad and I looked at each other and tried to explain to him that being bad depended on which side you were on.  It depended on perspective.  The Spanish soldiers were fighting against insurgents, while the Katipuneros were fighting for their freedom.

A video article I saw made exactly the same point.  The former CIA agent being interviewed opened with:  "If I learned one lesson from my time with the CIA, it is this:  Everybody believes they are the good guy."  And she goes on to state a very simple solution to world conflict / war:  "The only real way to disarm your enemy is to listen to them."  Then she said, "But the truth is, when you talk to the people who are really fighting on the ground, on both sides, and ask them why they are there.  They answer with hopes for their children, specific policies that they think are cruel or unfair ..."

CIA INTERVIEW

The key is being open to understanding and "loving" the enemy because, really, when we get down to the heart of it, we are all the same - fighting for essentially the same things:  the things and people we love.

So, how do you eliminate your enemy?  By making them your friend.

From Tuesday's Gospel

Matthew 5:43-48

 "Jesus said to his disciples: “You have heard that it was said, You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust."

CEASEFIRE by For King & Country sums it up quite well.

How do we save a life
Pointing fingers?
How can we end the fight
This way?
When blame is the truth we're preaching?
And lies are what we're believing?
No one ever wins
When the goal is to settle the score

One by one we will call for a ceasefire
One by one we will fight for a better end
One by one we could rewrite the headlines
Standing side by side
One by one, love is building an empire
One by one, reaching out to our enemies
One by one we will make it to the finish line
Standing side by side
Ceasefire

I will be the first to say
I'm far from perfect
But grace was made for those who don't
Deserve it
So easy to cast the first stone
It's harder to search your own soul
No one ever wins
When the goal is to settle the score

Teach us how to live humbly
Love unconditionally
Transform our hurt into hope
And grant us Your peace

Bigger Bear Series: Surprises Come in 3's

Nothing better than a no-occasion gift. Not just one, but three. On a Monday.

Today felt like a long day, particularly because it started at 6:30 am, much MUCH earlier than my usual, for a full-day planning session. (And it's going to be the same story tomorrow).  Thus, at the end of the session, I was spent and couldn't wait to get home for a quick snooze --- before checking on my emails again.

1. When I got home, I found out that we had a few friend priests resting at the house before their long drive back to Bicol.  I'd been wanting to confess but the schedules didn't work for me ... so He sent the priest to me!  I had the chance to clarify a few things, received affirmation and was given a really cool penance! 
2. My parents were having dinner with the priests, but I decided not to join them since I wanted to clear off some of my emails.  Guess what I got in exchange?  An impromptu cracking physical therapy --- way better than the massage I had been dreaming of for the past couple of weeks!
3. Finally, a friend I'd been missing terribly popped in precisely to tell me that I am missed (and will visit me soon), loved ... and in dire need of exercise! 

Last week, He was telling me to RELAX through messages.  Today, He helped me do so by setting my soul at ease with a proper confession, soothing my body with a proper physical therapy and warming my heart with attention and affirmation I didn't know I was missing and craving.

I am loved ... SOOOO much!