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Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Christmas Stories

It's been awhile since my last entry.  Since then, there were so many stories and topics that excited me, but was too busy (or tired) to write at the very moment the inspiration hit. "I'll write it tomorrow", I said; but, by then, it didn't seem good enough or the excitement fizzled out. 
So here are some stories, that highlighted the Christmas spirit for me, to exercise my writing muscles. 

***

This Christmas holiday, I decided to grab the opportunity for a 2-week break.  I had no special plans.  Just some down time and breather from work to catch up on chores and, hopefully, get some reading in.  First few days were wonderfully spent on catching up on sleep.  Yes, I now get those little reminders from my body that I am old, and it was a good time to finally heed them.

The days that followed were spent helping out on some last-minute Christmas preparations for my mom.  Once, she asked me to accompany her to Mercury Drug Store, hurriedly picking up a wrapped gift from her pile of gifts for giveaway. (She has this system that helps her know what the gifts are even though they are unlabeled. Still amazes me).
"Are we stopping by somewhere else?" I asked.
"No.  I hope the nice pharmacist is on duty."
The store had a line for regular customers and a special line for seniors and persons with disability. There was an old guy with a walker ahead of us in the line. He sat on the chair with his backpack, sorting out the prescriptions and figuring out what to buy.  I remembered thinking, how sad it was that this old man, who could hardly walk, has no one to buy his medicines for him.  Just then my mom said, "Oh, good. She's here."
I looked up to see a simple lady with a bright smile. She patiently attended to the old man, helping him figure out the medicines he needed to replenish, and rejoicing with him when the total fit into his budget.  She took the medicines to the cashier so she could ring them up, and returned all excited, "Happy birthday po 'tay.  Akala mo ha!" (Happy birthday, gramps.  You thought you could get away with it, didn't you!).  The rest of the folks in the store - customers and staff alike - greeted the old man.  He choked up a little and kept thanking everyone while he walked out of the store.  I felt both happy and sad for the old man and wondered how many more are in the same situation.
The lady was already helping my mom, by the time I recovered from what happened. I understood why my mom liked her so much.  She is happy with her work and genuinely cares about her customers, especially the older ones.  I wondered if she volunteered or management simply noticed her big heart, thus assigned her to the seniors/PWD counter. Either way, I'm glad.  And I'm happy Mama brought her a gift, which surprised her immensely.  All I could manage was, "Thank you for all that you're doing."
I wish I could have said more. Perhaps I'll drop in later this week.



***

Filipinos (with the exception of myself) are known for their singing prowess.  And Christmas is the time when this is most showcased with chorale groups going around homes, offices and churches singing Christmas carols.

This year we got to see several amazing ones, mostly coming from provinces.  These are choirs from parishes whose offertory earnings are insufficient to cover for the church's expenses; much less, fund for programs for their parishioners.
It started with a group of seminarians serenading at our house even before the 9-day novena masses started. I was at work, but my mom took a video and I was floored at how great they were.  God obviously knows how to choose the cream of the crop!
In one Misa De Gallo Mass a group came from a remote province in Bicol, Pili.  They were a group of students putting themselves through college by singing.  They were dressed in traditional Filipino attire at 5 am in the morning, singing and dancing their hearts out, and appealing to the church goers for whatever help they can provide.  They will be in Manila for 6 days, going around parishes.
In another Misa De Gallo Mass, we were treated to a bunch of jolly Rogate seminarians, singing to get support for their outreach and also their studies.  We are in dire shortage of priests.  How can we export missionary priests, when we don't even have enough to minister to all our remote islands? I was happy to see such a rich harvest and prayed that all will find the grace to carry through to ordination.
Then my mom asked us to join them for their workers' and staff's yearend Mass.  It wasn't even their Christmas party yet.  Then I saw some of my parents' friends in attendance and wondered why they were there.  When the Mass began and the choir sang, I knew why this impromptu Mass was organized.  The choir came from another parish in Bicol that earned only 1400 pesos and a few harvest/livestock offerings each week.  They travelled ~12 hours just to sing for us.

These choirs not only showcase amazing talent, but also how amazing the human spirit is, rising above life's challenges. More than anything, they show the value of belonging to a good community, pulling together to achieve their goals and pushing each other to keep moving forward amidst the difficulties.  And I am happy to see all of the generous souls, reaching out to support in whatever way they can to raise these communities and individuals up.

***

Last Friday, my son came up to me and asked me to wake him up early the following day.  He was going to Mass with Lolo (Papa goes to Mass at the Miraculous Medal Shrine every Saturday) and was hoping I could join them, because Lola might not be able to join.  I was surprised because I normally just go on the first Saturdays and he would grumble everytime I asked him to join.
"I want to confess, Mom", he said, before I could even ask.
(A couple of days before the Misa De Gallo Masses ended, I had a conversation with him, explaining the implications of a misdemeanor I just recently uncovered. He stopped receiving Holy Communion then and was anxious to be able to receive it again).
After Mass, we went to one of our favorite restaurants where there is a deaf-mute parking attendant that we've known for years.  When I ordered breakfast for him and they called him, he glanced my way and thanked me.
There was a lady at one of the outside tables, selling blankets from Ilocos (The staff in the restaurant tolerated her little setup).  Our friend gestured at her to share the meal with him. She politely declined. I told Anton and Papa about it. "Wow!", was all Papa could manage, smiling.
Then he told us about Mang Tino.  He was an old man peddling newspapers at the parking lot of another establishment, when we were still kids.  I remember how Papa had a soft spot for him.  Last Saturday, he told us the full story.
He noticed Mang Tino eating the leftovers from the tables at a restaurant.  He approached the old man and offered to buy him breakfast. Mang Tino shyly declined, saying "Ok na ako, brod" (I'm already good, brod).  Papa insisted, bought him burger for snacks later and advanced for the old man's lunch as well.  Mang Tino was crying, "Sobra sobra na ito, brod" (This is too much, brod).  For years, Papa would buy newspaper from the old man and treat him to meals every now and then.
Then I just stopped seeing the old man.  Papa mentioned he got sick and couldn't sell newspapers anymore.  What I didn't know, was he had talked to the parish priest to take the old man in until he can find a facility for him.  Then my parents made arrangements with DSWD (Department of Social Welfare and Development) to bring Mang Tino to a senior facility.  The old man was hesitant, insisting he can still earn a living selling newspapers.  Papa told him that he didn't have to and shouldn't do that anymore.  On the day the DSWD came, my parents came to see Mang Tino off.  He fumbled as he cried, thanking my parents for all that they had done, so Papa gave him his handkerchief.
"How would you feel if you saw your father eating scraps?", Papa said, ending his story.  I realized Mang Tino's slight build, manner of walking and mild demeanor resembled our grandfather's.

I had always wanted to get involved in outreach programs for children, but have also been wondering if there are enough good facilities for seniors, too.  This reminded me of a program in a European country, where a home for the aged was regularly visited by kids from a daycare or pre-school. The program gave the kids something to look forward to beyond gadgets, enjoying the wisdom and amazing stories of olden times; while the older folks enjoy the kids' vitality, wide-eyed curiosity and honest humor.

I had been wanting to replicate it in the Philippines.  Perhaps this was a little nudge?






Monday, September 02, 2019

One Size Fits All ... Not!

Photo By:  Ryan B.

"Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it."

This is an actual quote from the Bible - Matthew 19:12, to be exact.  The final verse for the August 16th Gospel reading.  I don't know about you, but, in all the years I've been hearing the passage on divorce, this is the first time it went on until this verse.  And it blew my mind how Jesus' understanding of humanity is so intimate; or how this simple verse can be so liberating.  

Sad as it is, we grew up (and still live) in a society that puts a premium on marriage; like it's the sole reason we exist.  If you don't get married, then, likely, it's because you're giving it up for a much higher purpose of servitude to God and mankind --- as a religious.  But, if you're neither married nor a religious, then ... you, poor thing!  What a tragedy!  


Forget that you look (and actually are) happy and content ... everyone just naturally assumes you're lonely.  People look at you as if you got the short end of the deal; or that there must be something wrong with you.  

But, what if, you really are just not born with the right disposition for marriage?  Imagine getting married and living such a miserable life.  It would be unfair to you, your spouse, and (heaven forbid!) your children.  What if your experiences, thus far, have led to a different point of view, set of priorities or goals?  What if you're broken and are on the road to self-healing?  What if now is just not the right time?


In the same way we were forced into universal standards on education and IQ definition, society has imposed on us the same life cycle:  Be born, be an adorable toddler, grow up, get educated, fall in love, get married, have kids, have grandchildren, die.  While it is a common cycle, there is no law, written or otherwise, to follow the sequence; neither is it a check-the-box list requiring everyone to go through all these life phases.  This expectation has been so ingrained in all of us, that most people who are unable to follow the "natural order" of things feel like such failures.  And society is just as unforgiving in reinforcing that.

Shame on all of us!  No wonder so many people are depressed and killing themselves.

Expectations do not only poison relationships but also society. It is time we lay off each other's businesses and respect each other's journey and pace.  Remember, what works for you may not necessarily work for others.  No two persons are the same, so why do we expect these "norms" to be one-size-fits-all?  Everyone is doing their best within the parameters of their circumstances and grace.  So, instead of judging, let's strive to give others the same understanding and consideration we hope (and deserve) to get.  Lend a helping hand and throw in a prayer, while you're at it. It's good for you. 😉

#ChooseKind

Saturday, August 31, 2019

19 And Some

A few months ago I celebrated 19 years of being a "corporate slave", just a year shy of our service center's 20th year of  establishment.  I was honored as one of the center's pioneers at the Gala a couple of weeks ago. At that moment, it felt nothing more than a loyalty award that highlighted my age (and everyone knows that's the first rule against successful female engagement ... tsk tsk tsk!).  Looking around at everyone I was up on stage with, I felt my corporate achievements appallingly mediocre in comparison. It made me look back on all the years I burned the midnight oil, deliriously working to meet a deadline. For sure, whatever breakthrough initiatives I delivered then is now passe. A terribly melancholic thought on a day of celebration; to realize that ~20 years have gone by and I had nothing major to show for it.

Then it came to me: the ten million coffee breaks, ambush lunches and dinner dates.  I would have left a long time ago had it not been for these. I realized, the best moments in my corporate life came from: (1) random emails from friends who were promoted, letting me know how I had been a huge influence; (2) skype (or whatever older versions we had) messages from familiar names thanking me for hiring them ... or coaching them out; (3) local and overseas calls at normal and odd hours for urgent career or life mentoring; (4) surprise visits from my old kiddos, braving south traffic and toll fees, just for a catch up; and (5) being asked to be a wedding sponsor (despite being young and SINGLE! Yes, this definitely takes the cake) .

I couldn't help but smile to myself, realizing how God knows the workings of my mind and heart enough to send me little shooting stars leading up to the event:

  • A friend telling me he kept an informal training I put together on my coaching and people management principles
  • Another friend asking me how I turned around a non-performer into a top performer
  • A number of previous "babies" who said they kept my notes and "tough love" letters as references they go back to until now (how odd they would tell me this around the same time, too!)
My heart is full.

That is why, when I was offered another Operations "gig", I said yes.  I'm ready to get back to the saddle and run with my passion for organization shaking and building.

Happy 20th, MSC!






Sunday, July 21, 2019

Coming Back Home To Me

Tell me of the hidden struggles
All the unnamed pains
And I will tell you
Of the glorious view from here.

Mt. Pamitinan


I remember Monsignor Gabriel telling me once, "I don't know why they call it mid-life crisis, when it is such a beautiful phase." I've been stuck in "crisis" for years. And, although it's been a hell of a rough ride so far, it's definitely been beautiful.

A month ago, I attended a seminar-workshop called Reparenting the Child Within (RCW), which I had been trying to fit into my schedule since February.  It took months for my schedule to align with the RCW weekend.  But, as the facilitator mentioned on the first day, it was the perfect batch (and time) for me.  From the time I started on my mid-life journey, I had been on a self-healing quest.  RCW was the perfect culmination.  It reinforced my learnings, thus far; demystified the process; and closed out the loopholes.  It is an essential I would recommend to everyone (from age 25) --- regardless of life phase they are in.

The 2.5-day weekend seemed too long for a seminar-workshop.  But it was one jam-packed weekend with the strength of a million therapy sessions.  I will not go through my entire experience and spoil it for you guys.  Let me just say, that it was a Coming Home to ME.

In that weekend I learned:
  • I was brought into this world whole and full of grace ... 
  • and I can return to my original wonder child.
  • I am wounded, but not broken.
  • I am my responsibility and nobody else's.
  • I can only give if I am filled ...
  • and I can (and must) fill me.
  • I know my truths ...
  • and I will live them ...
  • because I can (fix me)
  • because HE has given me all I need to be beautiful Me. 

Come to think of it, it felt like finally unlocking that treasure chest you searched far and wide, and even dove underwater for ... to find a mirror inside.  However anti-climactic or cliche the weekend plot seemed to be, it was only then that I truly felt fully unwedged from my being stuck.  

As it turned out, the only way forward is inward.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Repeat Until It Sticks

Time flies! I can't believe half a year has gone by since my last blog entry.  Yes, so much has happened, but don't worry.  This is not an update blog.

AMJ (April-May-June) is turning out to be a quarter of getting-to-know myself again.  That's a whole $#!t load that I won't be bringing you guys into.  Suffice it to say, that it's been quite a ride and am bracing myself for a big finish.

But I will let you in on a small bit, which I think is worth sharing.

I spent a couple of weeks with family in Australia to visit my sister and to decenter (I often call it disengaging, but, apparently, the formal term is "decentering"). I spent the first week attending morning Mass daily.  When I don't know where to start fixing myself, I just go to Mass --- with a blank mind and an open heart.  The first couple of days were difficult.  It took a lot of effort to be still and to silence all the voices in my head. When there's too much noise, it's hard to listen.  Thankfully, with God's grace, my heart stopped racing and I breathed easier.  The entire week went by fast ... and without any answer.  Of course, it didn't help that I could not even figure out my question.  BUT I know, that what my heart has locked safely away from me, is as plain as day for Him.  So, I went on my merry way for the balance of our holiday.

In true God fashion, though, He gave me exactly what I needed on the very last day.  Never in a hurry, but ALWAYS on time.

On the eve of our flight back, we went to anticipated Mass.  We were supposed to attend at this beautiful Church I went to the first day, but we could not find parking even though we were there early.  We went, instead, to my Aunt's parish Church.

When I saw who was presiding, Fr. John, I knew we were meant to be there.

Then, he started reading the Gospel.  I thought it sounded familiar until I realized it was a repeat of the Gospel the previous Friday - the last day of my daily morning Mass on the first week.  I perked up, all senses engaged.  I thought, there's an Easter egg coming.

John 21:1 -1 14

At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. 2Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples. Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We also will come with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them,“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord. 13Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.

True enough, Fr. John's homily was the answer to the question I could not form in my head. He summarized his thoughts into 3 simple points.


  1. Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us; and need a "Beloved Disciple" to point it out to us.  I remembered a conversation I had with my Aunt where she pointed out exactly what I needed to do.  I realized, I had a similar conversation with a casual (sage) acquaintance who essentially pointed me towards the same direction just a few months prior.  I thought, I must be pretty dense or pretty scared.  I decided I was (am) scared.
  2. Once we know the goal, there are two ways to get to it: (1) leave everything and just go for it; and (2) go slowly and bring the fish.  Some people have the capacity to go "all or nothing"; while some people's circumstances require several considerations.  Thus, they need to be more practical in their approach.  There is no right approach for everyone, just the right one for YOU.  Go for that.  Of course, that means some get to their goals faster, while others take longer.  That doesn't mean the faster ones win, while the rest are losers.  Each of us have our own paths to follow.  We need to respect our timing and to honor our own journey.  But the main point is, GO FOR IT!  Remember:  "Find the Purpose; the Means will Follow" (A little wisdom found on a pet cooling mat. Seriously, God finds the weirdest ways to get to me!). Otherwise, you will find yourself doing or settling for mediocre work --- because anything outside your passion is mediocre.  Neither you nor the world will benefit from the under-utilization of your talents and the curtailing of your full capability.
  3. Be open to God's surprises by maintaining a good relationship with Him.  That is the only way you will be able to understand His plans/Will. This one is a reminder for me.  I have been crazy busy with big and small things that I have not been able to sustain a decent quiet time with Him.  And, I know, busy is never a good excuse to compromise my relationship with Him (or myself).  I am trying to get it back into my daily rhythm.  And, I will be honest, I have been faltering.  But, still, I keep praying for the grace to keep at it even when I don't feel like it.

None of these is really new, but sometimes we just need to be reminded.  That has generally been the theme of my life.  I feel what I need to do in my gut, I acknowledge it, decide to go for it ... and then get cold feet until it fizzles out.  God, meantime, has been repeating it over and over for me ... until it sticks.  Such a patient God.

So ... here's to me, finally taking that first step and shuffling for a couple more.  With His grace, I'm going to keep going in this slow but steady and deliberate pace.

I chose this photo because it's one of my favorites from the trip. And, I imagine, it took constant repeated sculpting by the waves for these rocks to form.





Friday, January 04, 2019

Poetic Doses: 361 to 365 And Then Some

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

These are the final verses and then some
For the 2018 year-long commitment;
This year, for myself I will reserve
Will share only chosen sentiments;
I commit to a project that deserves
And allows me to be in my element.


361

Night came to me
Draped in stars
She offered me the Moon
Nestled upon her palms
Dazed by the grandeur about her
I took the Moon in haste
And failed to see
Her true beauty (so plain in front of me).


362

Come on now,
He said,
Pick up the fishing line.

(I have a surprise at the other end!).


363

Where do old toys go?
I wonder how they feel
On the first day
The children stop coming?
And as the days turn into weeks
Do their hearts start breaking?
Do they stay and wait,
Or do they leave and walk away?
To find a better (new) kid
To care for,
Or realize there is not one
Quite as magical as their kid.

I wonder if they are better off
At toy heaven instead.


364

Sometimes, all the heart needs is a surprise little nudge to come alive once more.


365

One full year passed
Another year begins
Leave all that hinders in the past
Open your hearts to dream and hope again.

***

I will set the world on fire
One dream at a time.


AND THEN SOME ....

There is a different calm walking under a blanket of stars;
As if the universe is whispering its wisdom.
On cue, the stars started falling (meteor showers!);
For a brief moment we were children silenced in awe.
Then the Sun came;
First, the gold linings then the warmth.

***

Nothing speaks best of hope, new life and new beginnings than the breaking of dawn.
It is the singular moment when one inevitably feels and believes with his/her whole heart that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible.









***
Seasons come and go;
The Sun shines and sets;
What seems immovable and unmoved,
Glows warm and softens with the Sun's touch.















***

Mountains always struck me as having such grandeur that demanded awe and respect without need of being boastful.  They are simply and effortlessly magnificent.  In their presence, I am always reminded of my littleness.  Yet, on their shoulders, they show me what I can do and who I can be.






***

There is not one moment exactly like another;
and within each is a beauty that can never be replicated.
Cherish, truly see and be in the moment.









***

Somber empty streets
Fill my heart with peace
When I walk with you
My hand safe in yours.

***

Through mountains, rivers and seas
Farther than the eyes can see
The mighty dragon flew
In search of something true
And found there is only one
Who touch he would ever want
And so he returned
Sadly, to the house he burned.

***

We loved briefly
Swiftly
And it was enough
But only for a moment.

***

It comes spilling out
Rushing like a raging river
Despite the promise
Not to think nor feel
My muse is you
And the eternal dream of us
Caught in the wicked cycle
Of pain and beautiful poetry.

***

Oh, the joy of long showers
And the delicious feeling
Of healing water flowing through
Every hidden and broken part.

***

Puso kong palalo
Wari mo'y salahilo
Ang totoo'y
Puso ay pagod
Sa paulit-ulit
Na pag-urong at sulong
Ng salawaha't tuso
Mong puso.

***

That I might not be a mere catcher of dreams or a keeper of memories.
No.  Let me be a dancer of life and a mover of mountains.

***

No. No. No.
One does not catch a cloud and pin it down.
One runs with it and basks in its shade ...
Before it grows heavy and rains over you.

***

Manog, Manong,
Where do you go
to catch these falling stars?

Tell me.  Tell me.
Are these hopes and dreams falling?
Or wishes coming true?

Please, please!
Catch me a star, bright and fiery
Let it fall on me and light me on fire.

***

Waiting?
Or searching?
I do not know anymore;
But I am rooted where I stand
Until I find the courage
Until I am compelled
   to finally move.

***

Maybe
here is enough
for now.

***

In this dimly lit room
Peppered in dust from the years
I hear only echoes now
Or distant memories.

(I am here.  Still.)

***

I am tempest
I am storm
I weild fire with my rod
I will not be calm
I shall rage
Untril you fathom the depths
Of my pain.

***

I want to be where you are;
On this boat, we will sail far.

***

Such endless capacity for love;
Such endless need for love.