I Am Sad Mad

     For Anton's first birthday in heaven, I took a week off from work.  I did not have anything specific planned out. Afterall, there really isn't much of a choice given the COVID restrictions.  On the evening of Day 2, I decided to watch Home.  I vaguely remember it being a silly movie that Anton and I enjoyed.  It was going really well until this scene.

    In the scene Oh was trying to figure out Tip's reaction; why she was mad at him for leaving her alone for a long time. He concludes that she is sad mad. Her anger is stemming from her sadness.  I recalled explaining to Anton when he was younger how, oftentimes, people get angry because they are hurt. And the people who can hurt us the most are people we love.  So, whenever I get mad, it is normally because someone I love did something to break my heart.  And because I love him the most, no one could hurt me more than him.  I realize, it might be too much to put on a little kid, but this started his habit of checking, "Is it a good day, Mom?  Do you have a happy heart?"

    The flood gates opened. I was full-scale MTV-video levels crying-while-hugging-pillow-in-bed.

    Even after the movie finished, I was still bawling. When I realized the tears won't stop anytime soon, I decided to pray; maybe to Jesus.  I don't even recall what exactly I prayed for.  All I can remember is that I kept telling Him, "I am in so much pain".  

    And in the darkness, as I cried, a visual came to my head of a big man holding me.  I thought it was Jesus, but it was not the usual image I see during contemplative prayers.  He was not holding me the same way and the syntax of what He said did not feel like Jesus.  He held me gently yet firmly and said, "Go on. Lay it all on Me. Blame Me."  

    As I broke down all the more, burying my face deeper into His embrace, He said, "Oh, child!  It is not your fault!" (It was God the Father holding me!)

    Then I thought back to earlier this evening. My heart broke for G when her friend did not show up for afternoon walk.  I knew she would inevitably bump into her friend again around the village, but I also knew how painful it was because she had expected him to be there. But he wasn't.  At that moment, I just hugged her because I knew nothing I said would really make her feel better.  She ran back inside the house sad-mad.

    I am sad-mad because I expected my son in my future. But he is no longer here. I am sad-mad because I did not get to save my son from his final sufferings.

    After I had calmed down, I listened to The Catholic Daily Reflections for May 21st.  It was just the balm I needed.  And I knew the reflection was exactly what God the Father wanted to tell me.

    It talked about how, in Jesus's conversation with Peter (where He asked if Peter loved Him 3x), He also knew how Peter would eventually die -- and how He approved of Peter's ultimate act of love for Him.  He is not happy that Peter is suffering, but He is happy that Peter is offering his suffering as an act of love for Jesus.  There is a greater good in it.  

    I should not focus on a small detail, but see The Big Picture.  During those final hours my son suffered gracefully, in absolute faith and hope in God.  He suffered lovingly and prayed earnestly, putting his trust in Jesus, Mary, Joseph ... and San Raphael, "Mom, I also prayed to San Raphael to heal my tummy."

    I broke down once more.  But, this time, it was out of comfort, relief and gratefulness ... and a little bit of #ProudMom moment.

    My thought echoed St. Elizabeth's, "Who am I that God the Father should come and comfort me?"

    "Why do you think I am here at this hour?  Because I knew you would come.  I came just for you [because I love you]." (From The Chosen, when Jesus came by the well to see the Samaritan woman).

Unpopular Beliefs: Pondering COVID, Hate and Religion

 Disclaimer:  These thoughts do not represent the stand of the religion I belong to.  These are my opinion.

    One early morning in April, so many thoughts crowded in my head, clamoring for light.  I had no choice but to type them into my phone in the dark just so I could sleep.  Here they are in no specific order, as random as they flowed from my head:

• This global COVID19 pandemic brought out the best and worst in humanity this past year.  Sadly, the good became better and the bad became worse.
• It highlighted the issues in society and in the environment we move in - i.e. the disparity between the poor and the rich; the impact of corrupt government vs. good governance.
• Discrimination in any form became heightened, including Asian Hate.
• And yet the enemy is not other people.  It's the virus.  But we have started turning against each other instead of turning TO each other for help and to give help.

• In the same way, there should not be a struggle among different religions.  Afterall, they all preach the same basic concepts/principles:  a God who is good and who saves, Love and Kindness, Forgiveness, Truth.
• All the main figures in major religions did not say, create a religion and be saved.  They all preached a way of life, a way of being.  They exemplified their teachings in their lives; more than creating rules.
• God's love and grace is not limited by religion.  He said so in the Bible "His Sun shines on both the good and the evil and sends rain on the just and unjust" (Matthew 5:45) and "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts" (Jeremiah 31:33).
• Religion provides different roads to the same destination.  Choose the road that works for you. At the end of the day, although we meet different people along the way, it is an individual journey.  We come into this world alone and leave it alone.
• The enemy is the evil one that sows hate, separation from God and the belief that there is no God.  That is what all religions need to work against.
• Praying to saints, our ancestors or dearly departed, asking for intercessions from people we know, prayer gatherings/meetings, praying over --- they are all asking from God ... with a little help from our friends.  The only difference is who are you asking help from:  people who have graduated or people who are still in the university (just different level) with you.
• Formula prayers, novenas are no different from saying "Amen" to an impromptu prayer uttered by someone.  The efficacy is not on the prayer itself but it's in the heart as you say the prayer or as you say "Amen".  Whenever I see or hear prayers that resonate with me in my specific journey, I copy them and make them my own.  I have even requested for copies of personal prayers uttered by prayer leaders.  When you can't find the words, it is very handy to have prayers available that articulate exactly what's in your heart.  
• They say singing is praying twice.  Well, aren't they essentially formula prayers as well?
• If none of those work.  Where words and song fail us, being just silent with God also works.  Afterall, He knows what is in our hearts before we even speak it.

Why are these random thoughts plaguing me?  Because I feel religion wars and hate & discrimination are unnecessary distractions from the real issues we need to combat together.  These petty things have only succeeded in dividing us, which is counterproductive.  We are stronger united.  There is strength in number.  Time to put away our differences and work towards restoring humanity and Mother Earth.  Listen to what COVID19 is teaching us.

We need to Lead with Love (Thank you P&G for providing the perfect tagline.  I hope it catches on more deeply), ask ourselves "What is the loving thing to do?" and act on it.

Borrowed from the internet

Black Saturday: Mama Mary's Pain And Mine

     

Borrowed from the internet

    It was the early morning of the day after Jesus's passing.  I went up to the rooftop of the upper room.  There I saw Mama Mary just as the sun was rising.  She was looking out towards the rising sun, smiling and crying.  She beckoned me to sit beside her.

    "Everything is quiet and peaceful.  It's beautiful," she said, "But my heart is aching.  I feel His absence."

    Her tears fell profusely and quietly ... as did mine.  For minutes, we sat lost in our own, yet, also, shared pain.

    Then she took my hand, "And now we wait.  He will come."  She held me towards her with her right arm, rubbing her hand up and down my shoulder; comforting me.

    In his talk, Fr. Vic talked about the ever-evolving motherhood of Mama Mary.  When Jesus died, she knew her role was about to change.  She was the one who knew Him most intimately.  She is the one who will be able to keep Him alive with His disciples and to guide them towards His way.

    During this contemplative prayer, once again, Mama Mary urges me to wait on Jesus in faith, while comforting me as only a mother could: being with me, completely immersed, in my pain and just holding me.  

    Mama Mary, I apologize for downplaying your pain. I understand now, that the pain of losing a child is not diminished even with the knowledge that you/we will see each other again.

Borrowed from the internet

Good Friday: You Are Not Yet Finished

    When Anton passed away, I asked God, "What the heck am I still doing here?"

***

    For Good Friday, I took the imaginative contemplation scene.

    In the scene, I saw the crucified Christ, the screaming and mocking crowd, and Mama Mary - crying, while her eyes remained unwaveringly on Jesus. I cried at the sight of her.  I looked at Jesus, battered,  he looked at me with peaceful eyes; no judgment --- even though, I know, my sins contributed to His suffering.  I cried ... because I knew He shouldn't be there, yet He chose to be there, bearing the weight of my sins and the rest of the world's.  He looked at me with a look of shared pain; as if telling me to be brave.  

    A cloaked man came up beside me quietly.  I looked at him.  He was gazing at the crucified Christ.  As if sensing that I'm looking at him, he lifted his hand, offering it to me. I looked at it and saw the nail mark.  

    "It is finished!"  

    That's when the Jesus beside me looked at me and said, "Di ka pa tapos." (You are not yet finished).

    In my peripheral view, I saw Mama Mary fall to the ground on her knees as she uttered a soft cry. Her body trembled as she sobbed. I ran to her and hugged her, crying with her.  I knew exactly how she felt, a conflict of emotions:  relieved that it was finally over and anguished at the loss of her Son.

    I saw the cloaked Jesus leaving and Mama Mary told me, "Go!"  I hugged her tightly and ran after Him.  He was on the road by the time I caught up with Him.  I grabbed His hand and He squeezed it.

    I have notes on the Pedagogy of Redemption.  I don't remember if it's from the retreat literature or from my session with Ate Aidah or from another online talk.  But this pretty much explains how and why the contemplation scene unfolded the way it did; although I did not understand it then - only now as I write this.

    Three things about the Pedagogy of Redemption resonated with me.  It is:  (1) Truth-telling; (2) Healing; and a (3) Dying to Self and Rising to New Self.  

• It begins with contemplating Jesus as He contemplates me - with all 5 senses + heart + soul engaged; to see and feel how lovingly He looks at me; and to see and feel what He sees in me.  

And what He sees is MY truth.

          This saves me from the "demons" that hold me back from authentic living. 

• From this truth comes metanoia:  conversion and healing.
• Then begins the dying to self-focus, transforming through contemplation and following Jesus.
• This enables us to surrender ourselves more fully as we become incorporated into the very dying and rising of Christ.
• Then our life becomes a personal incarnation of Christ's dying and rising. 

    

    The past year, I had been focused on my pain.  And that is alright.  Acknowledging and understanding my pain is where healing begins.  During this period, I had given Jesus the "cold shoulder", keeping only my line with Mama Mary open.  But on Good Friday, Mama Mary urged me to transcend my pain (manifested in her pain) and "Go!" where He leads.

    I don't know where He will lead me, but with prayer and contemplation, I will learn to forgive myself and to accept fully God's forgiveness.  Only then will I experience love stretching, loving in Jesus's fashion, which comes with "paghahandog ng sarili" (offering oneself) and following in trust.

   Then, hopefully, I will be able to finally say, "It is finished!"

Holy Thursday: Passing Over To Self-sacrificing Love

    During our orientation meeting, Ate Aidah told me to tell God my intention/s or my question/s for the Holy Week Retreat.  She warned that I might not get the answer during the retreat itself, but I have to be open to journey with Jesus towards it.

    I had one question and intention:  Is my son home with You?  If not, then please bring him safely home soon.

    I started to go through the prepared readings for Holy Thursday reflection.  The first one I read was the Psalms -- Psalms 116: 12-13, 15-16, 17-18.  Verses 15-16 was 💗

"How painful it is to the Lord when one of His people dies!  I am Your servant, Lord; I serve You just as my mother did.  You have saved me from death."

I started crying as I read it and all I could utter was, "Thank You!"  

Then, when I looked for one of the passages for reflection: 2 Cor 5:21, I found one of Anton's highlighted passages: 2 Cor 6:2 - the one that assured me a couple of months from his passing.

"Hear what God says:  When the time came for Me to show you favor, I heard you;  When the day arrived for Me to save you, I helped you.  Listen!  This is the hour to receive God's favor; today is the day to be saved!"

    Of course, I cried buckets once again.  God (and my son) really knows. He knew I would overanalyze the first passage and, so, He reinforced it.  All I could say was, "Ok, ok ... I heard You!  I got it now. I'm sorry I doubted."

    Now that we have that anecdote out of the way, let's get down to the business of Holy Thursday.  I did not know where to begin reflecting on the theme:  Passing Over to Self-sacrificing Love, so I took it a reading at a time.

Reflecting on John 13:1-15

"Jesus knew that the hour had come for Him to leave this world and go to the Father.  He had always loved those in the world who were His own, and He loved them to the very end."

    It may be too presumptuous to compare Jesus's final days with Anton's, but this was the exact disposition Anton had during his final days.  It was as if he knew he was leaving; and he loved us - me, especially - to the very end.

    A few weeks before his passing, he started teaching little G how to wake me up before lunch time.  She had to knock quietly and kiss me softly. I heard him coaching her right outside the door.  Back then, I thought it was amusing.  I didn't know that he was making sure I did not wake up alone.  He also started giving her and little P his most treasured toys.  A few days after he passed, I saw his favorite stuffed dog toy, Buddy, on my bed. Seeing my pained surprised look, G said, "Kuya gave Buddy to me, Ninang.  I think you need him more now." The Harry Potter wand he made and his treasured Star Wars lightsaber from Tita Janice were also handed over to his little cousins.

    After we laid him to his final resting place, our cook (with whom he was always annoyed because "she is not following Lolo's instructions" to the letter) told me how, during his final months, he made an effort to be kinder and more patient with her.  He cheerfully greeted her every morning, asked how she was and genuinely listened.  For that, she said, she was grateful.

"... He knew that He had come from God and was going to God."

    The doctors said that, normally, the pain from his illness (when it does manifest) is unbearable.  But on his final day, he bore his pain with so much grace and trust in God and Mama Mary.  Unable to join for Mass, he went down and asked for his Lolo to pray over him.

"You do not understand now what I am doing, but you will understand later."

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan (I truly do not understand).  And, even though I know that God has His reasons, it is still excruciatingly painful.  Even with the reassurances, the pain is soul-deep.  Matindi ang pangungulila (There is a terrible longing amidst the loneliness).  Even though I feel Anton's presence and feel him speaking to my heart, I still miss him so much.  My heart aches immensely for my son.  He is my life.  To say that I had been dying since he left is not an understatement.  I don't think I will ever feel whole again.  I don't know how.  I am in pain; my soul is anguished.

♫ Nagmula sa Iyo ang lahat ng ito.  Muli kong handog sa Iyo.🎝
(All these came from You; I offer back to You)

    Ate Aidah said, I give it back to God -- not to take from me, but to hold, manage and take hold FOR me.  Pero ang hirap! (But it's so hard!).  How does one reconcile this parting as merely God taking hold of this soul that I love the most?  

    I didn't fully understand what Ate Aidah was trying to convey until I had a merienda date with my Mom a few weeks ago.  She said, "Jesus and Mama Mary took him home because they want to keep him safe from future pain and heartache."  My son, being the most honest and innocent person I know, is very gullible, making him vulnerable to people who might take advantage of him.  He trusts people he loves ... to a fault.  I used to worry about him falling into bad company, so I would pound on him the things to look out for:  red flags to be wary about.  He half-listened, believing himself an excellent judge of character.

Contemplating Christ's Agony in Gethsemane

    Luke 22:39-46.  I read the passage and wondered how Jesus's prayer went; how the conversation between Father and Son went; and then the instrumental version of ♬Paghahandog ng Sarili♬ (Offering of Oneself) started playing.  I had come to attribute it to the ultimate "sacrifice" God had asked of me: to part with my son.  But going through the lyrics now, I realized, this must have been the theme of Jesus's conversation with the Father.  "Father, if You will, take this cup of suffering away from Me.  Not My will, however, but Your will be done."

    Mark 14:32-42. "Father, my Father!  All things are possible for You.  Take this cup of suffering from Me. Yet not what I want, but what You want."  It is true.  All things are possible with God.  It is also true that He knows everything.  He knows how the story will unfold.  He knows how something painful can propel us towards the right direction.  We only need to trust and follow.

    Matthew 26:36-46.  "Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus checked in on the apostles 3x and found them sleeping.  This meant that He knew the weakness of the human nature, but reminded the apostles that the way to combat it is through prayer.  It is a daily conscious decision to keep trusting in the story that God has laid out for me.  It is so easy to focus on the pain and spiral into the blackhole of despair.  In the months that followed his passing, I remember how during a grief journal session, I "heard" Anton say, "Keep praying, Mom." During those months, I prayed the rosary by rote  and not by heart (if only to satisfy my insistent son's voice in my heart); but it kept me afloat.

    Bringing together all the readings, I understand that, in everything He did, Jesus had one motivation:  Love.  It is this Love, both for God the Father and humanity, that drove Him ultimately to obedience to the point of self-sacrifice. What gave Him strength to soldier through it is His faith in God the Father's Will.  

    I am going through the darkest phase of my life.  And, while this sacrifice is far from voluntary, I have to soldier through in faith, that God knows how the story ends and has the power to turn this pain into something beautiful; to magnify and multiply my love for my son into expressions of the Father's Love. 

    This brings me to one of the songs that played during my reflection time:  ♬Maging Akin Muli♬ (Be Mine Once More).  In order for God to work His "magic", I need to accept His invitation to "Be Mine Once More" and surrender.

Borrowed from the internet

Holy Wednesday: "Keep Your Eyes On Me. We Are Going Up To Jerusalem"

     On Holy Wednesday, Ate Aidah and I prepared for the upcoming 3 days of the retreat.  I set my intentions, more of questions, for the retreat; while Ate Aidah reminded me that the answers might not come.  What is important is the journey; the experience of reconnecting and re-establishing my relationship with Jesus.  She reminded me to hold on to the knowledge that Jesus is journeying with me and of His invitation from our earlier conversation:  "Keep your eyes on Me."

       After our session, I thought I'd prepare myself by going through the readings and taking Cardinal Tagle's Online Recollection.  

Holy Wednesday's Responsorial Psalm:  Psalm 69:33

"Lord, in Your great love, answer me."
"See, you lowly ones, and be glad; you who seek God, may your hearts revive!"

    

    Once Cardinal Tagle's Online Recollection began, I knew it was an inspired idea.  His recollection is anchored on Matthew 20:18 - "Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem." and focuses on Jesus's invitation to journey with Him as He fulfills His mission:  to suffer, die AND rise out of Love.  Doing so, according to Cardinal Tagle, requires conversion or renewal in hope, faith and charity.  To achieve this, we need to go back to the 3 disciplines of Lent:  prayer, fasting and almsgiving.

The following is a summary of what I learned from the Recollection.

Renewed Faith - Fasting

    Faith is accepting AND living the truth revealed in Jesus Christ.  Jesus said, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life."  In faith, we accept that Jesus is the Truth.  In accepting that He is the Truth, we know that He is the Way to Life; the way to fulness and fulfillment of life.

    What does this have to do with Fasting? 

    Society has taught us that fulfillment of life is equal to SELF-fulfillment; getting what I want for myself.  Fasting is a form of self-denial, which helps us find fulness of life in Jesus rather than in the self.  

    Watchout:  The world would rather satisfy us so that we don't find satisfaction or fulfillment in Jesus; so that we will not accept Jesus's Truth.

Renewed Hope - Prayer

    Hope is focused on the future; hoping for the Father's mercy through Jesus's death and resurrection; hoping for the future that the Father holds for us through Jesus.  It is believing that history does not end in our mistakes ... or the sin that crucifies Love.  It is receiving with open heart the Father's forgiveness.

    Sometimes we are too focused on our failures and limitations.  (This was my favorite past time since  Anton's passing.  I went through all my failures and all the things I could have done better).  This leads to judgement and despair, which is contagious and can corrupt communities and countries.

    We recover Hope through PRAYER.

    Prayer silences the noise and enables us to hear and listen to the Father; to shed light in our lives; to inspire us; to offer, once again, the Love of Jesus. 

    Since Anton's passing, I stopped talking to Him.  I prayed the rosary and attended Mass by rote.  As they say, "Fake it till you make it." Keep at it with your head.  And, when you're ready, the heart will follow.  Those "mechanical" prayers acted as one-sided conversations with Him where I was only half-listening. Occasionally something would hit me, but I did not fully engage.  I guess this was my way of giving Him the cold shoulder.

    But, as with any relationship standoffs, it only prolonged my agony. (To be fair to me, I did not even realize I was upset at Him!).  I needed to be open to Him and lay my heart out to Him.  Only when I talk to Him will I understand the depths of His Love for me.  Only then will I understand the depths of His mercy.  And then I will have the courage to forgive myself and LIVE with the renewed hope that my failure/s is/are not the end of my story.

Renewed Love (Conversion to Love) - Almsgiving

    Love means to love in the footsteps of Jesus; the way He loved, showing concern and compassion for ALL, especially those treated harshly or non-existent or non-persons by society.  Love rejoices in seeing the other grow, even those that have wronged us.  Love suffers when you see others suffering.  Jesus's brand of Love makes you see and feel for EVERYONE.

    Almsgiving is not just donating, but caring for one another, especially for those who suffer.  It is offering with love, joy and simplicity.

    "The life of a community is sustained by the little acts of kindness; little acts that make people feel important, seen and loved."

 For the past months I had been zombie-walking through life, alive but not living.  And, although I know that healing does not happen overnight, I know the retreat is His way of resuscitating me.  Hearing Cardinal Tagle's recollection was a defibrillator.  After several months, I got a pulse!

From the Internet

Epiphany on Holy Monday

    It's my first Holy Week without my son.  Other than my silent retreat at Trese Martires 10 years ago, Holy Week is another sacred time for Anton and family.  I would normally come up with activities for both of us.  That is why, this year, I did not really feel like engaging in any Holy Week activity.  But a friend invited me to join the IHS Online Retreat, so I signed up for the generic one.  I did not want to open myself up to a random spiritual director ... until I saw a familiar name in the Zoom session.  

    At the last minute, I requested to get into the directed retreat, specifically asking for Ate Aidah.  As fate would have it, she confirmed as spiritual director also on the same day.  Whether I requested for her explicitly or not, she would have been assigned to me 😉

    Knowing what had happened, the first activity she gave me was to write a "Thank you" letter to Jesus. So, I setup my quiet space on the floor in my room -- complete with laptop table, mini altar, candle and the Spotify IHS Retreat Playlist.  Now it was time to get into my quiet space in my head.  

    I settled onto my yoga mat and tried to be still; to empty my mind and allow Him to just come and move me.  I took myself to my favorite prayer scene:  facing the setting sun at the Grand Canyon.  It's only been a mere few seconds, but I felt like I could not get into the right disposition.  I could not BE still. I felt like giving up and started to say, "I can't ... "

    Then His face appeared from my right side.  

    He had been sitting (weirdly out of my peripheral vision) just beside me.  "I'm here," He said.  Then He was quiet, while I felt sobs welling up from my chest.  He kept looking out at the scene as I tried to collect myself.

    "I'm here," He repeated.  And I broke down.  

    He hugged me to Himself, "I've always been here."

    Ate Aidah wanted me to start by writing a "Thank you" letter.  And, although I know in my head that there is so much to be grateful for, I just don't feel it.  There is this huge block in my heart.

    "Alam ko nagtatampo ka sa'kin" ("I know you resent Me") 

    It was only then that it dawned on me.  I never even realized it.  For months I thought I only resented Mama Mary and San Raphael whom we prayed to during Anton's final moments and at the ER.  But He was right.  Since that day at the ER I had not talked to Him.  I had not visited Him in our quiet place. Unknowingly, I pinned this on Him. Afterall, He knew it was going to happen this way and He did nothing.

    He continued to hold me to Himself.  Quiet.  "Bakit Mo binawi? (Why did You take Him back?) Your greatest gift to me ... "God giveth and God taketh"  Is that it?" 

    "Hindi Ko binawi. (I did not take Him back). He is still yours ... just different. Evolved.  And you have to evolve with him."

    "Bakit ang sakit sakit pa rin? (Why does it still hurt so badly?)  I feel so lost."

    

    Then from my left side Anton hugs me, "Mom ..."

    It was probably a good 15 to 20 minutes of just cathartic crying.

Sunset at the Grand Canyon North Rim Photograph by Donald Pash

    Then I looked at the list of readings for reflection.  I chose the one entitled:  "I Am Mary of Nazareth" (Luke 1:26 - 38). It was the Annunciation scene.  The following verses struck me:

• "God sent the angel Gabriel ..." - to me! (Anton has 3 names.  The 3rd is Gabriel).
• "Peace be with you!  The Lord is with you and has greatly blessed you!" - A part of me had thought that Anton was taken from me because I was unworthy of him.  The encounter affirmed that it is untrue.  My greatest blessing was not taken from me, but evolved into something beyond my wildest imagination. I do not fully comprehend it yet, but I am beginning to understand.
• "For there is nothing that God cannot do" - Surely He can heal my brokkenness.
• "I am the Lord's servant.  May it happen to me as you have said." - No matter how painful.
• "And the angel left her" - Anton has left me physically, but he was never gone.

    I have read this story many times.  But, at that very moment, it felt like a deeply personal conversation with Jesus.  I sat for a few more minutes reflecting and relishing its new meaning.  And I knew my healing process has begun.

    

When Star Wars And Mama Mary Collide

Taken from the internet

On the day we buried my son, I found a brief moment with him before they took him to the car that transported him to his final resting place. I whispered to him, "You have to guide me now ... because I don't know what to do without you.  Give me neon signs, okay?  You know how slow and dense I can be sometimes."

So, when Star Wars and Mama Mary collide, it can only be my son's creative genius; making sure I don't miss the 4th puzzle piece.

Yesterday my 1-year old nephew decided he wanted to open Mary's Blue Book (which we read after praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy and the Holy Rosary), so my brother (his father) assisted him.  It opened to an entry entitled, "Vigilant Sentinels".  

I laughingly thought to myself, "Wow! Mama Mary likes Star Wars, too".  The first time I heard of the term, "sentinels", was during a Star Wars conversation with Anton.  He decided he was a Jedi Guardian and was debating with himself if I was a Consular or a Sentinel.  

For better context, below is Wookieepedia's definition of Jedi Sentinel:

"A Jedi Sentinel was the name given to one of the three distinct schools of thought of the Jedi that sought a balance between the two other branches, the Consulars and the Guardian. While they possessed considerable combat skills and had somewhat extensive knowledge of the Force, Sentinels blended both schools of teaching and amplified them with a series of non-Force skills, such as in the fields of security, computers, stealth techniques, demolitions, repair, or medicine."

Two paragraphs from the entry struck me:

1. "Entrust to the angels of light of my Heart all that has to do with this new itinerary of yours.  They will carry you on their wings and will keep watch lest you strike your foot against any obstacle." I resented the archangel, St. Raphael.  On the eve of his passing, Anton specifically told me, "Mom, I prayed to St. Raphael to heal me." When he died, I thought, "Where are you now, Raphael?"  Now Mama Mary was telling me to trust the angels with my "new itinerary".  That can only by St. Raphael for me; afterall, he is the patron of good travels and has been my constant active prayer partner for years.
2. "Oh, in your days, how beautiful are the feet of those who announce peace, of those who spread the good news of salvation and of the triumph of divine mercy!  You must be these announcers of peace.  You must be today vigilant sentinels upon the mountains of confidence and hope."  I immediately thought about my conversation with my son and how his final assessment was that I should be a sentinel, since I would typically go for harmony but able to fight when the situation calls for it.  I agreed, thinking I also recognize the value of non-Force skills, meaning --- I am practical and utilize available resources, like technology.

These tie in with today's readings which talked about finding God in small things and conquering fear.

1st Reading: 1 Kings 19:11-13

"Then the Lord said to him, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will be passing by.” A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord—but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake—but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire—but the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave."

These days I had been anxious for God to reveal his grand plan for me, expecting it to come in some kind of epiphany moment.  But, so far, He had been giving me bits and pieces, and I have had to "strain" to hear it.  Not to mention, be patient for the rest of the pieces!

From the Gospel:  Matthew 14:22-33

After he had fed the people, Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone.  Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them, walking on the sea.  When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. “It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear.  At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”

When the crowd had dispersed, Jesus sought solitude by going up a mountain to allow Himself to grieve and to pray for guidance and courage.  Even Jesus had to pause and recalibrate His direction.  Losing my son felt like God just threw my plans to the wind.  I've never felt so lost and "not in control".  More than a month after, I feel as if my life's GPS lost signal and it's taking too long to recalibrate.  A part of me thinks that once I know what the plan is, then, somehow, this terrible aching will subside. 

But losing someone you love feels like sitting in a boat rocked by storms. It is difficult to find God and hear His voice amidst the pounding of your heart and the silent screams.  I have not not fully paused nor truly opened myself up to His guidance.  But today, I realized that the ghost I feared is actually Him reaching out to me and asking me to walk with Him and Mama Mary as a vigilant sentinel.

No, I haven't quite figured out the entire plan yet.  But I've got 4 pieces of the puzzle and it's slowly taking shape.

1. In my blog Mary's Tapestry Of Love, she said that something good will come from this.
2. In Wisdom For A Grieving Heart, I was reminded by FB Memories (no less!), that there is a plan and that I won't miss it.  (When I read it, I whispered to my son, "Make sure I don't miss it!".  Afterall, Fr. Junjun said, Anton is now a strong Advocate for everyone he loves.  His friends think he probably asked God to send us an army of angels each to keep us all straight. I wouldn't put it past him ... Haha!).  Then I learned about the best tool from Bishop Ambo's homily the previous week:  Wisdom of the Heart - to help me discern God's plans for me; sort through the good and the bad; sort through the old and the new.
3. In The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous, I realized how generous God has been to me and I am called to live my life the same way, generously.

The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous

The 3rd Puzzle Piece

Last Saturday I was telling my sister, "I know all will be revealed in due time, but it would help if He gave me a tiny clue, at least; give me something to hold on to."  The clue came quickly through a part of last Sunday's Gospel:

"When Jesus heard of John the Baptist, He withdrew in a boat to a deserted place by himself.  The crowds heard of this and followed him on foot from their towns.  When He disembarked and saw the vast crowd, His heart was moved with pity for them, and He cured their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14)

I perked up when I heard the first line. Of course, Jesus wanted to grieve his cousin's death!  The way Bishop Ambo highlighted this and Jesus' response in his homily resonated with me.

"Remember that this began with the beheading of John the Baptist. Jesus heard that John the Baptist had been martyred.  He was beheaded.  And He wanted to grieve, but there was no time to grieve because so many people needed His attention. So instead of withdrawing into solitude, He served them generously." 

"... He [Jesus] would offer Himself as the broken Bread of Life; as a Body broken for broken people. Brothers and Sisters, we cannot call ourselves Christians if we do not allow Jesus to mentor us in the secret of multiplication." (Bishop Ambo)

I remembered a line I read in Cheri Roberto's book, "From Mourning to Morning": "Wow, God really doesn't waste your pain," Anna, when she heard that Cheri was called to establish the Grief Support group for The Feast, Alabang; when she became a broken healer.  God took what little she could offer, a bottle of tears (this is the title of a song my son had started to write which was sort of mentioned in the same book as a quote of Psalm 56:8), prayed over it and multiplied it as healing balm for other grieving hearts.

"Faith begins with the discovery of how generous our God is to us; and how He also teaches us to live our lives generously" (Bishop Ambo)

For days after my son died, I felt hurt and betrayed by God and Mama Mary.  Then I found a strip of paper with my son's notes.  In it he detailed how wonderful I was, enumerating my best qualities; and one line which said "I am God's greatest gift to her", something I used to tell him often, along with "You top my 'thank you' list."  I realized how generous God had been for giving me Anton in the first place.  

"... The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

Now, He is asking the same from me by living the rest of my life generously ... in honor of my son.  Afterall ...

"God sends His grace through the cracks of your broken heart." (Arun Gogna)

"You may no longer be able to hold the one who has gone, but you hold them in your heart and you continue to love them in a different way --- by channeling that love into acts of service for other people." (Mitch Albom)

Prayer for Generosity

(By St. Ignatius De Loyola whose feast coincided with Anton's 40th Day)

Dearest Lord, 

Teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as I should;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

Wisdom For a Grieving Heart

#EasterEggsFromAnton

Yesterday was the 40th day of Anton's passing.  I organized a Zoom Mass and Kuwentuhang [Storytelling] Anton session with a small group of close family and friends.  I tried to bring in everyone who, I know, was important to Anton at different points in his life (I realized today that I still managed to miss a good number of people - Sorry!).  It was a good move.  We had fun reminiscing about Anton's crazy antics growing up.

We had a bout of awful weather yesterday, as if the heavens took it upon itself to express the state of my heart and spirit.  (They say the 40th is when the soul goes home to the Father and I feared I would feel him less thereafter).  Had I not organized the event, I probably would have spiraled into a really depressive state of mind. 

This morning, I woke up to the following Facebook memories ...

1 Aug 2014

God's message for me today:

I have my plans.  He has his.  Just because things are not going as I planned, doesn't mean it's not going to be great.

My standard of perfect is not His standard of perfect.  Just because it's not my kind of perfect, doesn't mean it's not the right kind.

1 Aug 2015

"There is a plan.  You won't miss it."

(From the prayer app shared by my friend, Elmer)

... and, I realized, these couldn't be more relevant today.  I feel lost.  It was as if God took one look at my plans, said "This won't do",  and scrapped everything.  My plans revolved around what is best for Anton; whatever it takes to help him achieve God's plans for him.  I just didn't think he would achieve it so soon.  

I totally missed the plan.

This made me think of last Sunday's readings, which revolved revolved around wisdom and God's plan.

Snippet from 1st Reading (1 Kings 3:5, 7-12)

"Give your servant, therefore, an understanding heart to judge your people and to distinguish right from wrong.  For who is able to govern this vast people of yours?"

2nd Reading:  Romans 8:28-30

Brothers and sisters:  We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

Snippet from the Gospel (Matthew 13:44-52)

"Do you understand all these things?"  They answered, "Yes."  And he replied, "Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old."

When I heard the 2nd reading, I thought, there's something in here for me.  And Bishop Ambo's homily did not disappoint.  While he did not answer my questions, he provided me with the tool:  Wisdom of the Heart.  He talked about its 3 aspects.

1. It helps identify hidden treasures.  He said:  "The things of value in this world are not obvious.  They are normally hidden, waiting to be discovered.  They are not yours until you  have learned to give up everything to acquire them."  Anton was a hidden treasure.  As a teenager, his big personality, always excitable and with a dramatic flair, was a little bit much for some people. One of his friends said, "He is not everyone's cup of tea."  But, once you give him a chance and let him into your life, you will have someone who will love you blindly and irrevocably.  He spoiled everyone he loves with his love language of service.  So, when I lost him (my everything), I struggled to understand God's wisdom in it.  I still have not found the hidden treasure, but I am hopeful to find it someday.
2. It helps sort between the good and the bad.  Bishop Ambo said, "St. Luke says twice in the infancy narrative, that Mary kept these things in her heart.  I think Luke is describing to us the wisdom of the heart that enabled Mary to sort things out.  She definitely did not keep everything -- because not everything is worth remembering.  Sometimes it is best to forget certain things.  The problem is when we forget what we need to remember; and we remember what we need to forget.  We can end up cluttering our souls, our hearts with toxic memories of anger and resentments and negative memories [regrets]."  When Anton died, I was plagued by all of those times Monster Mom was unleashed, those times I was tough on him or the times I spent working long hours or travelling for weeks.  I found it hard to sleep.  Everytime I closed my eyes I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and the images of those moments would flash in rapid succession.  And then, one night, I heard his voice in my head chiding me with, "Mom!"  (It's a word he can say in 10 million different ways and it would mean something different).  I knew it meant "Stop it".  The following day I started getting #EasterEggsFromAnton.  One of them was a loose page with a narrative of how he saw me.  I will not share it, but it was the reassurance I needed.  The Saturday after that, I decided to back-up all his childhood photos on the cloud.  It was something I'd been meaning to do but never got around to.  My mom sat with me for awhile and she said, "He had a full, happy and beautiful life."  Before me was all the good that I had to remember.
3. It helps us sort the new and the old.  "Hindi lahat ng bago ay dapat tanggapin at hindi lahat ng luma ay wala nang halaga." ("Not everything that's new is worth welcoming and accepting; just as not everything that is old should be thrown away").  These past days I am holding on to all the old that is worth keeping and finding value in the difficult new normal I have to live through for the rest of my life.  Already his passing has resulted to positive change in the lives of family and friends.  While it is nothing compared to holding and hugging him, I find comfort in little moments when he would manifest in one form or another.  

During one of the most difficult nights of the past 40 days, a friend of mine reminded me about something I had written in my blog,  When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

He's not gone; just different.  Wherever he is, I know he continues to love me and everyone he loved by being our strong Advocate before God (and finding ways to give us #EasterEggsFromAnton - like the photo above, which he took and saved on his Google Photos).  And I know, he knows I continue to love him and will honor him by marching on, "keep on swimming" (Finding Nemo), "keep moving forward" (Meet The Robinsons).

Are things getting better?  Easier?  No.  There are good days and bad days; sometimes they're worse. But I am hopeful it will get better someday; that I will see how this fits into Mary's Tapestry Of Love for me. 

I chanced upon below photo from Emily King's IG.  It was the image of hope: that, after I immerse myself in this grief, I will emerge to a Someday much like this -- within and without.

Though you are a million miles away

I feel your love shining down on me

So let me stay here, basking in your warmth

Until my heart is as placid as these waters

And, then, steady on my feet,

I will walk where your light leads.

From Emily King's IG Post

Mary's Tapestry of Love

"God ordains everything, including painful and difficult moments, for the good of those who love Him."

This was the introduction to today's 2nd Reading. 

Excerpt from 2nd Reading - Romans 8:28-30

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

This reminded me of something I noted on my phone.  It was a line from Mama Mary's Blue Book that my family reads during prayer time: 

"Your whole life has been a tapestry of my love."  

Anton asked me why I decided to make a note of it on my phone.  I said, because it is a truth of my life.  Every bad thing that has come my way has turned into some form of blessing.  And then I lost him 2 weeks later.

On the night we laid him to rest, I was writing down another note on my phone when I saw it.  I broke down in painful inconsolable sobs.  "How is losing my son part of this tapestry of love?" I asked.  And the floodgates of resentments came pouring out.  "Why my beautiful boy?"  "What have I done to deserve this?"  "Am I an unworthy mother?" "He prayed to you everyday until his very last night!" "You answered his pettiest prayers, but you turned your back on him when it mattered most" "How is this a blessing?" "Is this what it means to be under your tutelage?"

Her response was:

1. It is God's Will.
2. Yes.  Something good will come from this.
3. I have walked this way.  And I am walking with you now.

I calmed down some.  She lost her son, too.  He was betrayed, tortured and crucified for our salvation -- and she bore the pain of witnessing it all. Then I argued, "You at least knew what you were getting into and signed up for it.  You said, YES."  That is not technically true, though.  She knew He was the Savior.  She knew her heart was going to be pierced by a sword.  But she did not know He would die or the magnitude of the pain she would have to live through.

I then argued back, "You only had Black Saturday to live through and then it was Easter Sunday."  Yes, Jesus showed Himself in tangible form for a few days, but He went back to the Father. And Mama Mary remained to guide and support the new Church. 

As my friend, Monica (Tita Adele), told me, "Game over.  Mission Accomplished na si Anton".  During his final months, while we were locked up, the family witnessed his transformation through prayer, constant questions on the Catholic Faith and the daily effort to follow Christ's teachings.  I realized, in the same way that Jesus' mission was accomplished after His resurrection, Anton had accomplished his mission here on Earth.   And in the same way that Mama Mary carried on to fulfill her motherhood role to the new Church, so I must carry on and move forward towards God's plans for me (although I don't really know what yet).  

The road ahead is definitely not easy.  The scope and depth of my loss is still expanding with a steadily growing list of "firsts without Anton" that pierce my heart each day.  But I take comfort that Mama Mary has walked this way and is holding my hand through this difficult road; holding fast to her tapestry of love; trusting fully in His promise that all things work for good.  Plus, I have the most amazing support system in my family and friends whose tapestry of love and prayers I feel strongly despite the constraints of COVID19.

P.S.

Be careful what you pray for.  This was my daily prayer for Anton as part of our Intentions list:

May Anton grow in godly wisdom and love, harnessing his gifts that he may serve as a true Jedi Knight of Christ; may he find the love that God has planned for him and me he love truly, faithfully, honestly -- God first, family second and humanity as a whole.  May he be selfless; pure of heart, mind and soul.

In true Jedi form, he is now one with The Force.

Finding The Silver Crowning (Of COVID19)

Image from the Internet

It has been a week and a half since I started working from home; 4 days since I last stepped out of our village; 3 days since the community quarantine was put in place.  

Execution is definitely not flawless and guidelines have been changing on a daily (or even less than daily) basis.  And I get it.  This is not exactly the kind of situation they teach in school, plus we live in a 3rd world country with limited resources (and corrupt officials ... but I digress).  The government and everyone in the country are learning as we go. 

Now, more than ever, the country needs to pull together to carry us through these difficult times.  And I am very happy to see the Bayanihan spirit shining through.  Various individuals, groups and organizations are finding ways to help the frontliners and those most impacted by the economy slowing down. This gives me tremendous hope.

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5; from Sunday's 2nd Reading)

Times like these the natural tendency is to feel anxious, helpless, exasperated or even desperate.  But remaining in this state of mind does not really do anyone good, so let's recognize and acknowledge the feelings and then move on --- lest we lash out on other people and do things we will regret later on; or that aggravate the situation.  Instead, we should cling to the hope God has given us and trust that the "love God has poured into our hearts" will show us the way.

***

All "bad" things are blessings in disguise.  I am a staunch believer of this.  It's proven and tested.  Yes, there were "bad" things that really hurt, but they always ALWAYS redirected me to somewhere I was meant to be. And it's always better.

Reflecting on COVID-19 taking the world by storm, the following are, I think, its silver crowning 😉

• Pause. After the initial flurry of panic buying and setting up work from home, we are actually forced to pause and take a break.  All of a sudden, we have TIME.
• Families reconnecting. The community quarantine forced people to stay at home, allowing for more quality interaction among family members beyond the usual rushed hi-hello-bye.
• Bayanihan spirit (Lending a helping hand).  Yes, a lot of people started panic buying.  But zoom in on those people who, amidst all that, noticed a need and filled it.  Australia started the "elderly hour" which gave the elderly an hour's leadtime to shop before the rush. Movements sprouted to help provide for the needs of the frontliners (food, equipment, transportation), the poor families who have nothing to eat.  Companies have converted production facilities to produce masks, alcohol, etc. Policemen cooking food and distributing them at checkpoints.  A fitness instructor on a roof, leading a workout session; or various fitness companies publishing free online classes.
• Mindful Consumption.  With the economy being crippled by the community quarantine, we have a heightened awareness of how finite our resources are; so, we are more mindful of our consumption and are less wasteful.
• A return to God (or that higher power one believes in). This is something that cannot be resolved by a single individual.  There is no one solution to fix this.  All we can do is trust.

Lastly and most importantly, Reprieve for Mother Earth.  She is finally able to take a breath from humankind's battery.  Companies shutting down drastically improved the air quality in different countries.  There is marked reduction in carbon footprint from transportation, especially air travel. That's how many days of no air conditioning in offices!

I think this is the number one lesson we all should take away from this.  We were brought into this world to be its stewards yet we had been greedy and irresponsible, to say the least. There is a consequence to every action.  This was a consequence to years of mismanagement of Earth's gifts. 

It is my hope that we all take seriously the lessons COVID19 (and the past natural disasters) is trying to impart and take proactive steps to ensure the future generations do not forget. 

"Moses spoke to the people and said: “Now, Israel, hear the statutes and decrees which I am teaching you to observe, that you may live, and may enter in and take possession of the land which the Lord, the God of your fathers, is giving you. 5 Therefore, I teach you the statutes and decrees as the Lord, my God, has commanded me, that you may observe them in the land you are entering to occupy.

... , take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and to your children’s children." (Deuteronomy 4:1,5,9; from today's 1st Reading)

Art by Inadoodles

One Size Fits All ... Not!

Photo By:  Ryan B.

"Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it."

This is an actual quote from the Bible - Matthew 19:12, to be exact.  The final verse for the August 16th Gospel reading.  I don't know about you, but, in all the years I've been hearing the passage on divorce, this is the first time it went on until this verse.  And it blew my mind how Jesus' understanding of humanity is so intimate; or how this simple verse can be so liberating.  

Sad as it is, we grew up (and still live) in a society that puts a premium on marriage; like it's the sole reason we exist.  If you don't get married, then, likely, it's because you're giving it up for a much higher purpose of servitude to God and mankind --- as a religious.  But, if you're neither married nor a religious, then ... you, poor thing!  What a tragedy!  

Forget that you look (and actually are) happy and content ... everyone just naturally assumes you're lonely.  People look at you as if you got the short end of the deal; or that there must be something wrong with you.  

But, what if, you really are just not born with the right disposition for marriage?  Imagine getting married and living such a miserable life.  It would be unfair to you, your spouse, and (heaven forbid!) your children.  What if your experiences, thus far, have led to a different point of view, set of priorities or goals?  What if you're broken and are on the road to self-healing?  What if now is just not the right time?

In the same way we were forced into universal standards on education and IQ definition, society has imposed on us the same life cycle:  Be born, be an adorable toddler, grow up, get educated, fall in love, get married, have kids, have grandchildren, die.  While it is a common cycle, there is no law, written or otherwise, to follow the sequence; neither is it a check-the-box list requiring everyone to go through all these life phases.  This expectation has been so ingrained in all of us, that most people who are unable to follow the "natural order" of things feel like such failures.  And society is just as unforgiving in reinforcing that.

Shame on all of us!  No wonder so many people are depressed and killing themselves.

Expectations do not only poison relationships but also society. It is time we lay off each other's businesses and respect each other's journey and pace.  Remember, what works for you may not necessarily work for others.  No two persons are the same, so why do we expect these "norms" to be one-size-fits-all?  Everyone is doing their best within the parameters of their circumstances and grace.  So, instead of judging, let's strive to give others the same understanding and consideration we hope (and deserve) to get.  Lend a helping hand and throw in a prayer, while you're at it. It's good for you. 😉

#ChooseKind

Repeat Until It Sticks

Time flies! I can't believe half a year has gone by since my last blog entry.  Yes, so much has happened, but don't worry.  This is not an update blog.

AMJ (April-May-June) is turning out to be a quarter of getting-to-know myself again.  That's a whole $#!t load that I won't be bringing you guys into.  Suffice it to say, that it's been quite a ride and am bracing myself for a big finish.

But I will let you in on a small bit, which I think is worth sharing.

I spent a couple of weeks with family in Australia to visit my sister and to decenter (I often call it disengaging, but, apparently, the formal term is "decentering"). I spent the first week attending morning Mass daily.  When I don't know where to start fixing myself, I just go to Mass --- with a blank mind and an open heart.  The first couple of days were difficult.  It took a lot of effort to be still and to silence all the voices in my head. When there's too much noise, it's hard to listen.  Thankfully, with God's grace, my heart stopped racing and I breathed easier.  The entire week went by fast ... and without any answer.  Of course, it didn't help that I could not even figure out my question.  BUT I know, that what my heart has locked safely away from me, is as plain as day for Him.  So, I went on my merry way for the balance of our holiday.

In true God fashion, though, He gave me exactly what I needed on the very last day.  Never in a hurry, but ALWAYS on time.

On the eve of our flight back, we went to anticipated Mass.  We were supposed to attend at this beautiful Church I went to the first day, but we could not find parking even though we were there early.  We went, instead, to my Aunt's parish Church.

When I saw who was presiding, Fr. John, I knew we were meant to be there.

Then, he started reading the Gospel.  I thought it sounded familiar until I realized it was a repeat of the Gospel the previous Friday - the last day of my daily morning Mass on the first week.  I perked up, all senses engaged.  I thought, there's an Easter egg coming.

John 21:1 -1 14

1 At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. 2Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples. 3 Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We also will come with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 4 When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them,“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” 6 So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. 7 So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. 9 When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord. 13Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.

True enough, Fr. John's homily was the answer to the question I could not form in my head. He summarized his thoughts into 3 simple points.

1. Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us; and need a "Beloved Disciple" to point it out to us.  I remembered a conversation I had with my Aunt where she pointed out exactly what I needed to do.  I realized, I had a similar conversation with a casual (sage) acquaintance who essentially pointed me towards the same direction just a few months prior.  I thought, I must be pretty dense or pretty scared.  I decided I was (am) scared.
2. Once we know the goal, there are two ways to get to it: (1) leave everything and just go for it; and (2) go slowly and bring the fish.  Some people have the capacity to go "all or nothing"; while some people's circumstances require several considerations.  Thus, they need to be more practical in their approach.  There is no right approach for everyone, just the right one for YOU.  Go for that.  Of course, that means some get to their goals faster, while others take longer.  That doesn't mean the faster ones win, while the rest are losers.  Each of us have our own paths to follow.  We need to respect our timing and to honor our own journey.  But the main point is, GO FOR IT!  Remember:  "Find the Purpose; the Means will Follow" (A little wisdom found on a pet cooling mat. Seriously, God finds the weirdest ways to get to me!). Otherwise, you will find yourself doing or settling for mediocre work --- because anything outside your passion is mediocre.  Neither you nor the world will benefit from the under-utilization of your talents and the curtailing of your full capability.
3. Be open to God's surprises by maintaining a good relationship with Him.  That is the only way you will be able to understand His plans/Will. This one is a reminder for me.  I have been crazy busy with big and small things that I have not been able to sustain a decent quiet time with Him.  And, I know, busy is never a good excuse to compromise my relationship with Him (or myself).  I am trying to get it back into my daily rhythm.  And, I will be honest, I have been faltering.  But, still, I keep praying for the grace to keep at it even when I don't feel like it.

None of these is really new, but sometimes we just need to be reminded.  That has generally been the theme of my life.  I feel what I need to do in my gut, I acknowledge it, decide to go for it ... and then get cold feet until it fizzles out.  God, meantime, has been repeating it over and over for me ... until it sticks.  Such a patient God.

So ... here's to me, finally taking that first step and shuffling for a couple more.  With His grace, I'm going to keep going in this slow but steady and deliberate pace.

I chose this photo because it's one of my favorites from the trip. And, I imagine, it took constant repeated sculpting by the waves for these rocks to form.