At the last minute, I requested to get into the directed retreat, specifically asking for Ate Aidah. As fate would have it, she confirmed as spiritual director also on the same day. Whether I requested for her explicitly or not, she would have been assigned to me 😉
Knowing what had happened, the first activity she gave me was to write a "Thank you" letter to Jesus. So, I setup my quiet space on the floor in my room -- complete with laptop table, mini altar, candle and the Spotify IHS Retreat Playlist. Now it was time to get into my quiet space in my head.
I settled onto my yoga mat and tried to be still; to empty my mind and allow Him to just come and move me. I took myself to my favorite prayer scene: facing the setting sun at the Grand Canyon. It's only been a mere few seconds, but I felt like I could not get into the right disposition. I could not BE still. I felt like giving up and started to say, "I can't ... "
Then His face appeared from my right side.
He had been sitting (weirdly out of my peripheral vision) just beside me. "I'm here," He said. Then He was quiet, while I felt sobs welling up from my chest. He kept looking out at the scene as I tried to collect myself.
"I'm here," He repeated. And I broke down.
He hugged me to Himself, "I've always been here."
Ate Aidah wanted me to start by writing a "Thank you" letter. And, although I know in my head that there is so much to be grateful for, I just don't feel it. There is this huge block in my heart.
"Alam ko nagtatampo ka sa'kin" ("I know you resent Me")
It was only then that it dawned on me. I never even realized it. For months I thought I only resented Mama Mary and San Raphael whom we prayed to during Anton's final moments and at the ER. But He was right. Since that day at the ER I had not talked to Him. I had not visited Him in our quiet place. Unknowingly, I pinned this on Him. Afterall, He knew it was going to happen this way and He did nothing.
He continued to hold me to Himself. Quiet. "Bakit Mo binawi? (Why did You take Him back?) Your greatest gift to me ... "God giveth and God taketh" Is that it?"
"Hindi Ko binawi. (I did not take Him back). He is still yours ... just different. Evolved. And you have to evolve with him."
"Bakit ang sakit sakit pa rin? (Why does it still hurt so badly?) I feel so lost."
Then from my left side Anton hugs me, "Mom ..."
It was probably a good 15 to 20 minutes of just cathartic crying.
 |
| Sunset at the Grand Canyon North Rim Photograph by Donald Pash |
Then I looked at the list of readings for reflection. I chose the one entitled: "I Am Mary of Nazareth" (Luke 1:26 - 38). It was the Annunciation scene. The following verses struck me:
- "God sent the angel Gabriel ..." - to me! (Anton has 3 names. The 3rd is Gabriel).
- "Peace be with you! The Lord is with you and has greatly blessed you!" - A part of me had thought that Anton was taken from me because I was unworthy of him. The encounter affirmed that it is untrue. My greatest blessing was not taken from me, but evolved into something beyond my wildest imagination. I do not fully comprehend it yet, but I am beginning to understand.
- "For there is nothing that God cannot do" - Surely He can heal my brokkenness.
- "I am the Lord's servant. May it happen to me as you have said." - No matter how painful.
- "And the angel left her" - Anton has left me physically, but he was never gone.
I have read this story many times. But, at that very moment, it felt like a deeply personal conversation with Jesus. I sat for a few more minutes reflecting and relishing its new meaning. And I knew my healing process has begun.
No comments:
Post a Comment