Good Friday: You Are Not Yet Finished

    When Anton passed away, I asked God, "What the heck am I still doing here?"

***

    For Good Friday, I took the imaginative contemplation scene.

    In the scene, I saw the crucified Christ, the screaming and mocking crowd, and Mama Mary - crying, while her eyes remained unwaveringly on Jesus. I cried at the sight of her.  I looked at Jesus, battered,  he looked at me with peaceful eyes; no judgment --- even though, I know, my sins contributed to His suffering.  I cried ... because I knew He shouldn't be there, yet He chose to be there, bearing the weight of my sins and the rest of the world's.  He looked at me with a look of shared pain; as if telling me to be brave.  

    A cloaked man came up beside me quietly.  I looked at him.  He was gazing at the crucified Christ.  As if sensing that I'm looking at him, he lifted his hand, offering it to me. I looked at it and saw the nail mark.  

    "It is finished!"  

    That's when the Jesus beside me looked at me and said, "Di ka pa tapos." (You are not yet finished).

    In my peripheral view, I saw Mama Mary fall to the ground on her knees as she uttered a soft cry. Her body trembled as she sobbed. I ran to her and hugged her, crying with her.  I knew exactly how she felt, a conflict of emotions:  relieved that it was finally over and anguished at the loss of her Son.

    I saw the cloaked Jesus leaving and Mama Mary told me, "Go!"  I hugged her tightly and ran after Him.  He was on the road by the time I caught up with Him.  I grabbed His hand and He squeezed it.

    I have notes on the Pedagogy of Redemption.  I don't remember if it's from the retreat literature or from my session with Ate Aidah or from another online talk.  But this pretty much explains how and why the contemplation scene unfolded the way it did; although I did not understand it then - only now as I write this.

    Three things about the Pedagogy of Redemption resonated with me.  It is:  (1) Truth-telling; (2) Healing; and a (3) Dying to Self and Rising to New Self.  

• It begins with contemplating Jesus as He contemplates me - with all 5 senses + heart + soul engaged; to see and feel how lovingly He looks at me; and to see and feel what He sees in me.  

And what He sees is MY truth.

          This saves me from the "demons" that hold me back from authentic living. 

• From this truth comes metanoia:  conversion and healing.
• Then begins the dying to self-focus, transforming through contemplation and following Jesus.
• This enables us to surrender ourselves more fully as we become incorporated into the very dying and rising of Christ.
• Then our life becomes a personal incarnation of Christ's dying and rising. 

    

    The past year, I had been focused on my pain.  And that is alright.  Acknowledging and understanding my pain is where healing begins.  During this period, I had given Jesus the "cold shoulder", keeping only my line with Mama Mary open.  But on Good Friday, Mama Mary urged me to transcend my pain (manifested in her pain) and "Go!" where He leads.

    I don't know where He will lead me, but with prayer and contemplation, I will learn to forgive myself and to accept fully God's forgiveness.  Only then will I experience love stretching, loving in Jesus's fashion, which comes with "paghahandog ng sarili" (offering oneself) and following in trust.

   Then, hopefully, I will be able to finally say, "It is finished!"