Anton's and Mama's Bumblebee Playlist

Music had been an integral part of my relationship with my son. I had always enjoyed listening to music, but, when my son came along, I learned that it was also a useful tool for calming kids and an effective mode of communication.

As a toddler, my son was a jumping jelly bean and it was a challenge to dial down the energy enough to get him to sleep.  It got frustrating at times, but I found some techniques that worked like magic.

Option 1 

1. Hug him close to my heart 
2. Slow down my breathing  
3. Play "Always" by Plumb or Kenny G
4. Wait for the telltale jerk
5. Lay him down on the bed

Option 2

1. Ask him to lay down on his bed beside me
2. Read a book or have a quiet pillow talk while looking at glow-in-the-dark stars
3. Give him a baby massage (I used J&J's lavender bedtime oil) 
4. Wait for the telltale jerk
5. Quietly get out of his bed

Later on, he would get diagnosed with ADHD (and much later with Aspergers) and I would find out that my techniques (as with the academic and social teaching techniques I used) were most suitable for kids with ADHD or in the spectrum.  (The therapist even asked why I did not pursue Child Development.  I thought it was an odd comment, since it felt more like just a Mom understanding her child's needs).  She said, that I should continue leveraging on music as a means to help him cope.  Thus, it became integral to our daily life, bonding us (and sometimes dividing us:  Ed Sheeran vs. John Mayer for best guitarist) and bridging us.

I created playlists for him on my iPod (not everything I listened to is kid friendly). And, when he learned to bathe himself, he would even listen to it while taking a shower.  

When he was old enough, I installed Spotify on his assigned mobile device, and he started creating his own playlists. During drives, we would take turns listening to each other's playlists.  He shared music he discovered through his friends and I would school him on classics and music I grew up with.  

A few months after he passed, I discovered probably the last playlist he created, "Anton's BEST HITS 2020" and was happy to find some songs I shared with him, including Ne-Yo's "So Sick" and Aqua's "Turn Back Time".

So, it is no surprise that during the past months, whenever I am at my lowest, bawling my eyes out while grief journaling, the perfect song came on -- addressing my sentiments at the moment. It felt like my son was talking to me. At first, I thought, maybe I'm reading too much into it.  Maybe it's just coincidence ... but I don't believe in coincidences. 

Then, I saw this while I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. 

Just before we laid him on his final resting place, I remember telling him, "You need to guide me now.  Give me neon signs, okay?  You know how slow I get sometimes".  In true Anton form, he gave me, quite literally, a neon sign.

From then on, I took note of them and "processed" the songs in my journal.  But it was only in January that I got the idea to collect them into a playlist:  Anton's and Mama's Bumblebee Playlist (Hint:  Transformers).

It's a good sized playlist now and I will be sharing some of them in my "Bumblebee Playlist" series.  They helped me.  Maybe it would help you in some form, too.

To Love In Anton's Fashion

One of the things Anton and I shared in common was our love for music (Again, NO.  It doesn't mean that I can sing like any normal Filipino. That Filipino gene skipped me).  And, through the years, it has been our special medium of communication.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual and prepared for the special Mass we organized with his closest family and friends. Schuyler Fisk's Fall Apart Today started playing.  I was singing along to it until I realized the significance of the song.

 Fall Apart Today

I don't want us to fall apart today or ever
You're the one who said you'd never leave

There's no good reasons for giving up
All this mess is just bad luck
So please don't lose your confidence in me

I wish I wasn't so fragile
'Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle

Baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today

Oh my baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today

I don't wanna feel like this
But I'm so tired of missing you

I don't wanna beg for your time
I want you mine, all mine

I wish I wasn't so fragile
'Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle

Baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today

I first heard this song around the time Anton got diagnosed with ADHD and it was particularly difficult managing his issues at the big school we enrolled him in.  It is a traditional Catholic school and, while my almost-weekly meetings with his teachers helped the younger teachers handle him better, was just not equipped to manage kids with special needs.  He was seeing the toll on me whenever I came back from business trips and received "love" letters from his teachers.  The kid can read me (especially my frustration) like an open book and he felt it was his fault.  The song felt like him singing to me and was actually the song that made me decide to homeschool him.

I don't know when exactly, but there was a time when this song came on while we were in the car and he said he liked it.  I told him the meaning of the song for me, explaining the lyrics --- because he is more drawn to the melody than the lyrics. He paused and gave it a thought before saying, "Awwww, Mom.  I love you, too!" 

So ... when it hit me, I naturally started bawling and whispered, "I love you, too!"  

In today's Mass, Fr. Junjun Borres, SJ talked about how we are not just celebrating the Saints who have been canonized, but everyone who willed to love God above all else and willed to love the poorest. He stressed that we should not see these people as antiseptic saints. The Saints also had their own struggles and neuroses.  He went on to say that Anton, despite his challenges, embodied that kind of love.  

• He loved fully.  What he lacked in vocabulary, he more than made up in action.  His love language was service and he always went the extra mile; sometimes too far 😅.  
• He loved blindly.  Anyone who was ever loved by Anton will know that he has the tendency not to see his loved ones' faults.  It also means that he will, literally, stand up and fight for anyone he loves - regardless if their wrong or right.  This is how he got into trouble with Lolo.  Whenever my Papa reprimanded me during meal times, he would speak up (deemed as talking back; thus, disrespectful) on my behalf.  I would give him "the look" to shush him and he would start to say, "But, Mom ...!" 
• He loved bravely and persistently.  Even if it is unrequited or outright rejected.  I was teaching Anton to be discriminating about people he will love.  Afterall, not everyone has good intentions.  "You need to protect your heart from getting hurt," I told him.  To which he retorted, "But why, Mom?  Just love, right?"  It was the only lesson I taught him that he outright rejected.   A friend remarked, "We were all like that at one point in our lives. Kids really shouldn't listen to us."  It is a lesson I am finding hard to relearn but trying.  Love for the sake of loving.  Isn't that the  point of the Gospels?

The same friend (above) shared this beautiful song by Tracy Chapman The Promise.

The Promise

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

Oh, I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

I believe this is his special message for me today, an affirmation of all the ways I knew he was showing me his love every single day since. Death will not be the reason for us to fall apart, but will make our bond stronger.  I keep thinking, if there is anyone who will be able to pull it off, it will definitely be Anton.  He always found creative ways in life to love, what more in the afterlife 💗

My son is a true Force of Love and I will do my best to honor him by loving in his fashion.

 

Once Upon My Dream

                                         

An hour ago, I just finished binging "Emily in Paris".  (These days I only watch romcoms or light family movies). I was past "sleepy", so I decided to do some art therapy (it's World Mental Health Day afterall).  I opened my box of art materials and put on some music.

Then Lana Del Ray's "Once Upon A Dream" started playing.  

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you
That look in your eyes is so familiar, a gleam

And I know it's true
That visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream

Lyrics like that ... of course, it struck a cord! And it opened up the floodgates which I managed to keep shut for a week now with the help of work stress. Damn.  No turning back now.

The past 15 years definitely felt like a beautiful dream I just suddenly woke up from. Some days I feel so disoriented.  I can't tell if the past 15 years was the dream.  Or this life is.  It's so hard to believe that the past 3 months and my years with him were actually part of one life story.  Even in good days there is this terrible unshakable aching in my heart and I wonder how is it that I am still breathing.  Even with my family around me, loving me and supporting me, I feel alone and isolated.  He was mine and I was his.  Now I feel like I don't belong.  No one to call mine. 

My son loved me at once, entirely and irrevocably. Even when Monster Mom made her appearances, he would remain still through it all and then crawl right back into my arms. His affection and high regard for me never altered.  Sometimes I feel as though my son saw me through starry eyes.  I was always the best and always beautiful --- even while I laid in bed all day, crumpled with dysmenorrhea. Some people might think that he says these things just to get his way, bolero ... but it's really just how he is.  When he loves someone, he loves them despite of and inspite of. 

He shrugged off anything hurtful hurled his way.  Sometimes he didn't understand --- and I am grateful for the bliss ignorance brings.  Sometimes he did.  When he did, he felt it at his very core.  I cry with him secretly, while I put on a Tiger Mom front. I would teach him the importance of protecting himself and not allowing himself to be vulnerable to heartaches. "There will always be people who will use you and hurt you," I tell him, "Stay away from them."  But he would tell me always, "I think he/she can be a good friend, Mom."  Then, after just a couple of weeks, "I talked to him/her, Mom.  I think he/she is now a good friend."  Of course, I am skeptical.  But he truly and honestly believes that everyone can be a good friend.  He would always reach out to people, even when they are already being outright rude to him.  And he keeps trying.  I used to feel hurt for him and worry how he will survive this awful world we live in.  

A few weeks ago, I watched "The Little Prince" again on Netflix.  I realized how I probably doomed myself to losing him the minute I started referring to him as my Little Prince.  Or, perhaps, a part of me always knew that God had only lent him to me.  Whatever it is, I found so much parallelism between the story and my life with him.  

Once upon my dream, I walked with my Little Prince.  I scrambled to teach him how to survive life.  But, really, he was the one who taught me (and continues to) how to live it:  fearlessly and honestly, anchored in that stubborn belief that each person is truly good inside and worth as many second chances as they need.

And, like the pilot or the fox, I only fully understood it after he was gone.

"Mom, I'm not gone.  Only different."

 

When Star Wars And Mama Mary Collide

Taken from the internet

On the day we buried my son, I found a brief moment with him before they took him to the car that transported him to his final resting place. I whispered to him, "You have to guide me now ... because I don't know what to do without you.  Give me neon signs, okay?  You know how slow and dense I can be sometimes."

So, when Star Wars and Mama Mary collide, it can only be my son's creative genius; making sure I don't miss the 4th puzzle piece.

Yesterday my 1-year old nephew decided he wanted to open Mary's Blue Book (which we read after praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy and the Holy Rosary), so my brother (his father) assisted him.  It opened to an entry entitled, "Vigilant Sentinels".  

I laughingly thought to myself, "Wow! Mama Mary likes Star Wars, too".  The first time I heard of the term, "sentinels", was during a Star Wars conversation with Anton.  He decided he was a Jedi Guardian and was debating with himself if I was a Consular or a Sentinel.  

For better context, below is Wookieepedia's definition of Jedi Sentinel:

"A Jedi Sentinel was the name given to one of the three distinct schools of thought of the Jedi that sought a balance between the two other branches, the Consulars and the Guardian. While they possessed considerable combat skills and had somewhat extensive knowledge of the Force, Sentinels blended both schools of teaching and amplified them with a series of non-Force skills, such as in the fields of security, computers, stealth techniques, demolitions, repair, or medicine."

Two paragraphs from the entry struck me:

1. "Entrust to the angels of light of my Heart all that has to do with this new itinerary of yours.  They will carry you on their wings and will keep watch lest you strike your foot against any obstacle." I resented the archangel, St. Raphael.  On the eve of his passing, Anton specifically told me, "Mom, I prayed to St. Raphael to heal me." When he died, I thought, "Where are you now, Raphael?"  Now Mama Mary was telling me to trust the angels with my "new itinerary".  That can only by St. Raphael for me; afterall, he is the patron of good travels and has been my constant active prayer partner for years.
2. "Oh, in your days, how beautiful are the feet of those who announce peace, of those who spread the good news of salvation and of the triumph of divine mercy!  You must be these announcers of peace.  You must be today vigilant sentinels upon the mountains of confidence and hope."  I immediately thought about my conversation with my son and how his final assessment was that I should be a sentinel, since I would typically go for harmony but able to fight when the situation calls for it.  I agreed, thinking I also recognize the value of non-Force skills, meaning --- I am practical and utilize available resources, like technology.

These tie in with today's readings which talked about finding God in small things and conquering fear.

1st Reading: 1 Kings 19:11-13

"Then the Lord said to him, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will be passing by.” A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord—but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake—but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire—but the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave."

These days I had been anxious for God to reveal his grand plan for me, expecting it to come in some kind of epiphany moment.  But, so far, He had been giving me bits and pieces, and I have had to "strain" to hear it.  Not to mention, be patient for the rest of the pieces!

From the Gospel:  Matthew 14:22-33

After he had fed the people, Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone.  Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them, walking on the sea.  When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. “It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear.  At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”

When the crowd had dispersed, Jesus sought solitude by going up a mountain to allow Himself to grieve and to pray for guidance and courage.  Even Jesus had to pause and recalibrate His direction.  Losing my son felt like God just threw my plans to the wind.  I've never felt so lost and "not in control".  More than a month after, I feel as if my life's GPS lost signal and it's taking too long to recalibrate.  A part of me thinks that once I know what the plan is, then, somehow, this terrible aching will subside. 

But losing someone you love feels like sitting in a boat rocked by storms. It is difficult to find God and hear His voice amidst the pounding of your heart and the silent screams.  I have not not fully paused nor truly opened myself up to His guidance.  But today, I realized that the ghost I feared is actually Him reaching out to me and asking me to walk with Him and Mama Mary as a vigilant sentinel.

No, I haven't quite figured out the entire plan yet.  But I've got 4 pieces of the puzzle and it's slowly taking shape.

1. In my blog Mary's Tapestry Of Love, she said that something good will come from this.
2. In Wisdom For A Grieving Heart, I was reminded by FB Memories (no less!), that there is a plan and that I won't miss it.  (When I read it, I whispered to my son, "Make sure I don't miss it!".  Afterall, Fr. Junjun said, Anton is now a strong Advocate for everyone he loves.  His friends think he probably asked God to send us an army of angels each to keep us all straight. I wouldn't put it past him ... Haha!).  Then I learned about the best tool from Bishop Ambo's homily the previous week:  Wisdom of the Heart - to help me discern God's plans for me; sort through the good and the bad; sort through the old and the new.
3. In The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous, I realized how generous God has been to me and I am called to live my life the same way, generously.

The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous

The 3rd Puzzle Piece

Last Saturday I was telling my sister, "I know all will be revealed in due time, but it would help if He gave me a tiny clue, at least; give me something to hold on to."  The clue came quickly through a part of last Sunday's Gospel:

"When Jesus heard of John the Baptist, He withdrew in a boat to a deserted place by himself.  The crowds heard of this and followed him on foot from their towns.  When He disembarked and saw the vast crowd, His heart was moved with pity for them, and He cured their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14)

I perked up when I heard the first line. Of course, Jesus wanted to grieve his cousin's death!  The way Bishop Ambo highlighted this and Jesus' response in his homily resonated with me.

"Remember that this began with the beheading of John the Baptist. Jesus heard that John the Baptist had been martyred.  He was beheaded.  And He wanted to grieve, but there was no time to grieve because so many people needed His attention. So instead of withdrawing into solitude, He served them generously." 

"... He [Jesus] would offer Himself as the broken Bread of Life; as a Body broken for broken people. Brothers and Sisters, we cannot call ourselves Christians if we do not allow Jesus to mentor us in the secret of multiplication." (Bishop Ambo)

I remembered a line I read in Cheri Roberto's book, "From Mourning to Morning": "Wow, God really doesn't waste your pain," Anna, when she heard that Cheri was called to establish the Grief Support group for The Feast, Alabang; when she became a broken healer.  God took what little she could offer, a bottle of tears (this is the title of a song my son had started to write which was sort of mentioned in the same book as a quote of Psalm 56:8), prayed over it and multiplied it as healing balm for other grieving hearts.

"Faith begins with the discovery of how generous our God is to us; and how He also teaches us to live our lives generously" (Bishop Ambo)

For days after my son died, I felt hurt and betrayed by God and Mama Mary.  Then I found a strip of paper with my son's notes.  In it he detailed how wonderful I was, enumerating my best qualities; and one line which said "I am God's greatest gift to her", something I used to tell him often, along with "You top my 'thank you' list."  I realized how generous God had been for giving me Anton in the first place.  

"... The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

Now, He is asking the same from me by living the rest of my life generously ... in honor of my son.  Afterall ...

"God sends His grace through the cracks of your broken heart." (Arun Gogna)

"You may no longer be able to hold the one who has gone, but you hold them in your heart and you continue to love them in a different way --- by channeling that love into acts of service for other people." (Mitch Albom)

Prayer for Generosity

(By St. Ignatius De Loyola whose feast coincided with Anton's 40th Day)

Dearest Lord, 

Teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as I should;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

Joy of Swimming Alone

I used to write down conversations with A when he was younger. They either cracked me up or touched my heart.

This was a conversation with 6-year old A (December 23, 2011) that has taken on a new meaning ...

A: Mom, did you swim in Vietnam after work?

Me: No. I didn't have time, plus I want to swim with you.

A: But you should swim by yourself, Mom. In Palawan I swimmed (swam) by myself and I'm still happy. You will be happy, too.

(From my #Antonisms archives)

My Little Rainbow Prince

Anton is my Little Prince.  He came into my life in much the same way as the Little Prince landed on earth.

“Out of nowhere you came;

From a little dust and a little rain;

And when I looked down at your face:

It showed to me the Truth and Grace.”

The first word Anton spoke to me was “Mama”.  With that one word, he chose me and breathed meaning into my life. It was the moment I truly came alive.  Before him, I was just rolling along.

Because of him, Ina and I discovered fun things to do during weekends vs. just staying cooped up in our rooms with a good book. 

Because of him, I rekindled my patriotism and curiosity for our history.  His first hero was Lapu-Lapu. When he was 3 years old, he stood up on the bed in the middle of the night and posed like the Lapu-Lapu statue found in one of Makati’s busy intersections.  But his true hero was Andres Bonifacio.  So, you can just imagine how upset he was when they published a movie on Emilio Aguinaldo.

Because of him, I learned to be a bit more friendly. 

Anton came brimming with life and a thirst for interaction – something I shied away from.  He makes friends with servers of restaurants we frequent.  He knows them by name and they know him. I remember there was this one time we wanted to eat at Friday’s but there was a long queue.  He saw Ate Zarah and waved at her.  The next thing we knew we were seated. 

In my office, he would make the rounds across the different floors whenever I brought him to visit.  He became so famous, that one day I was interviewing with another manager I haven’t worked with yet.  He looked at me and said, “You’re Gem, Anton’s mom, right?”. My son was more famous than me in my own office!

Oh, and I also got called into my Associate Director’s office one time.  Apparently, my son talked to him about a very serious matter.  And that was how my Development Plan included an Action Plan to find a father. (Obviously, I failed that one).

 

 Because of him, I learned punctuality.  He is my cuckoo clock with snooze.  The night before he would ask me if I have a meeting or an appointment.  Whenever I do, he wakes me up and then comes back every 10 minutes to make sure I am up.  He gets really anxious when I am about to be late.

Because of him, I learned diversity and inclusion.  He was in the spectrum – both autism and gender identity. It was not easy. We had a lot of struggles, especially during homeschooling days.  And, when puberty and the crazy hormones hit, it felt like a restart button.  He craved for all forms of interaction and was doing everything to belong and be accepted by peers. I saw his struggle to understand his thoughts and feelings and how to articulate them.  During this phase, I am grateful he was brave and trusted us and special friends with them.

Anton struggled with social cognition.  And, yet, when it comes to people he loves, he was so attuned that he could anticipate our needs.  He takes one look at me and knows that something is troubling me.  He knows when Lola is upset or when Auntie Ina needs space or when Auntie Aika needs help with the kids (or her pretty bags).  He is the best Kuya in the world, especially his cousins; always attentive and giving in to what they want.

For Anton, everything was black or white.  There is no middle ground.  This means, when he believes you are good, he is blind to your faults.  When he believes you are “bad”, he tends to be blind to your merits. This made him prone to being taken-advantaged of, as well as, being a “bitch”.  He gets really upset when Ate Gina does not follow Lolo’s or Lola’s instructions; and he tells her so.  It took a lot of sermons and movie processing for him to understand human frailty and the concept/value of kindness, but he did get it in the end. During his final weeks, he became beshies (bestfriends) with the nanny and made a habit of saying “Good morning” to Ate Gina and asking how her day has been.

Anton was gender fluid or agnostic, which, for me, simply means he sees the soul and not the gender.  He used to say, “She’s so beautiful, Mom!” or “Mom, he’s handsome” about random people we meet.  It got to a point when I said “Lahat naman sa’yo maganda or guapo eh” (Everyone’s beautiful or handsome for you).  But it’s because he sees the soul.

Because of him, I learned thoughtfulness and the love language of service.  Every meal time, he would be the last person to start eating because he makes sure that Lolo and Lola have water and that everyone’s choice of “sawsawan” (dipping sauce) is on the table.  He would also be the last one to finish, because as soon as we are done eating, he would get up and ask “who wants coffee?”; and proceed to make coffee.

Whenever anyone of us came home, he would be at the door ready to help carry bags and what-not into the house.

Until the end, even when he was in terrible pain, he still thought about everyone else. He changed his sheets, because we were doing laundry the following day.  He refilled the water pitcher for toothbrushing.  He insisted to sleep beside me, one final time. And left “Easter egg” messages in his phone and IG.

To quote one:

“Find peace in it.  Find strength and solace in it, throughout the dark days of COVID19.  We are given the opportunity to stay together as a family, to pray and spend time together.”

I know COVID19 has been a source of suffering for most people, but it has been a blessing for me.  Because of it, I was able to spend my son’s final months with him, 24/7.  The entire family grew closer, worked and prayed together. During this time, we were able to have difficult conversations and understood more profoundly how deeply we all loved each other; although our love languages may be different.  Had COVID19 not happened, I would likely be travelling.

His bond with and devotion to his little cousin, G, was out-of-this world; and vice versa. On his final day, when all the grown-ups were blind to it, G knew; and she was there for him, giving him the comfort and strength he needed to endure his final test – because of which, I believe, he gained a speed pass to Heaven.  I swear, it is as if they actually shared this secret and prepared for it together.  Anton and I promised not to keep secrets from each other, but this one, he shielded me from.

Most people who know our story say how lucky Anton is to have me as his mom; that I am God’s blessing to him.  In truth, Anton is God’s greatest gift to me.  This child who never ceased to see life with wide-eyed wonder took me through the craziest most awesome ride of my life.  He pulled me out of my shell and expanded me well beyond my perceived limits. 

I thought I was the rose to Anton’s Little Prince.  But it turns out, I was just the fox that he tamed or the pilot who gets to tell his story.

So, on this day, as we lay him to rest, I surrender knowing …

“Nagmula sa’Yo ang lahat ng ito

Muli kong handog sa’Yo

Patunbayan Mo’t paghariang lahat

Ayon sa kalooban mo”

(All these came from You

I offer them back to You

Guide and reign over them

According to Your Will)

I love you, Pong, to heaven and back!