One of the things Anton and I shared in common was our love for music (Again, NO. It doesn't mean that I can sing like any normal Filipino. That Filipino gene skipped me). And, through the years, it has been our special medium of communication.
Today, I woke up earlier than usual and prepared for the special Mass we organized with his closest family and friends. Schuyler Fisk's Fall Apart Today started playing. I was singing along to it until I realized the significance of the song.
Fall Apart Today
You're the one who said you'd never leave
All this mess is just bad luck
So please don't lose your confidence in me
'Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today
But I'm so tired of missing you
I want you mine, all mine
'Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today
I first heard this song around the time Anton got diagnosed with ADHD and it was particularly difficult managing his issues at the big school we enrolled him in. It is a traditional Catholic school and, while my almost-weekly meetings with his teachers helped the younger teachers handle him better, was just not equipped to manage kids with special needs. He was seeing the toll on me whenever I came back from business trips and received "love" letters from his teachers. The kid can read me (especially my frustration) like an open book and he felt it was his fault. The song felt like him singing to me and was actually the song that made me decide to homeschool him.
I don't know when exactly, but there was a time when this song came on while we were in the car and he said he liked it. I told him the meaning of the song for me, explaining the lyrics --- because he is more drawn to the melody than the lyrics. He paused and gave it a thought before saying, "Awwww, Mom. I love you, too!"
So ... when it hit me, I naturally started bawling and whispered, "I love you, too!"
In today's Mass, Fr. Junjun Borres, SJ talked about how we are not just celebrating the Saints who have been canonized, but everyone who willed to love God above all else and willed to love the poorest. He stressed that we should not see these people as antiseptic saints. The Saints also had their own struggles and neuroses. He went on to say that Anton, despite his challenges, embodied that kind of love.
- He loved fully. What he lacked in vocabulary, he more than made up in action. His love language was service and he always went the extra mile; sometimes too far 😅.
- He loved blindly. Anyone who was ever loved by Anton will know that he has the tendency not to see his loved ones' faults. It also means that he will, literally, stand up and fight for anyone he loves - regardless if their wrong or right. This is how he got into trouble with Lolo. Whenever my Papa reprimanded me during meal times, he would speak up (deemed as talking back; thus, disrespectful) on my behalf. I would give him "the look" to shush him and he would start to say, "But, Mom ...!"
- He loved bravely and persistently. Even if it is unrequited or outright rejected. I was teaching Anton to be discriminating about people he will love. Afterall, not everyone has good intentions. "You need to protect your heart from getting hurt," I told him. To which he retorted, "But why, Mom? Just love, right?" It was the only lesson I taught him that he outright rejected. A friend remarked, "We were all like that at one point in our lives. Kids really shouldn't listen to us." It is a lesson I am finding hard to relearn but trying. Love for the sake of loving. Isn't that the point of the Gospels?
The same friend (above) shared this beautiful song by Tracy Chapman The Promise.
The Promise
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
And I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are
I believe this is his special message for me today, an affirmation of all the ways I knew he was showing me his love every single day since. Death will not be the reason for us to fall apart, but will make our bond stronger. I keep thinking, if there is anyone who will be able to pull it off, it will definitely be Anton. He always found creative ways in life to love, what more in the afterlife 💗
My son is a true Force of Love and I will do my best to honor him by loving in his fashion.
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