Wisdom For a Grieving Heart

#EasterEggsFromAnton

Yesterday was the 40th day of Anton's passing.  I organized a Zoom Mass and Kuwentuhang [Storytelling] Anton session with a small group of close family and friends.  I tried to bring in everyone who, I know, was important to Anton at different points in his life (I realized today that I still managed to miss a good number of people - Sorry!).  It was a good move.  We had fun reminiscing about Anton's crazy antics growing up.

We had a bout of awful weather yesterday, as if the heavens took it upon itself to express the state of my heart and spirit.  (They say the 40th is when the soul goes home to the Father and I feared I would feel him less thereafter).  Had I not organized the event, I probably would have spiraled into a really depressive state of mind. 

This morning, I woke up to the following Facebook memories ...

1 Aug 2014

God's message for me today:

I have my plans.  He has his.  Just because things are not going as I planned, doesn't mean it's not going to be great.

My standard of perfect is not His standard of perfect.  Just because it's not my kind of perfect, doesn't mean it's not the right kind.

1 Aug 2015

"There is a plan.  You won't miss it."

(From the prayer app shared by my friend, Elmer)

... and, I realized, these couldn't be more relevant today.  I feel lost.  It was as if God took one look at my plans, said "This won't do",  and scrapped everything.  My plans revolved around what is best for Anton; whatever it takes to help him achieve God's plans for him.  I just didn't think he would achieve it so soon.  

I totally missed the plan.

This made me think of last Sunday's readings, which revolved revolved around wisdom and God's plan.

Snippet from 1st Reading (1 Kings 3:5, 7-12)

"Give your servant, therefore, an understanding heart to judge your people and to distinguish right from wrong.  For who is able to govern this vast people of yours?"

2nd Reading:  Romans 8:28-30

Brothers and sisters:  We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

Snippet from the Gospel (Matthew 13:44-52)

"Do you understand all these things?"  They answered, "Yes."  And he replied, "Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old."

When I heard the 2nd reading, I thought, there's something in here for me.  And Bishop Ambo's homily did not disappoint.  While he did not answer my questions, he provided me with the tool:  Wisdom of the Heart.  He talked about its 3 aspects.

1. It helps identify hidden treasures.  He said:  "The things of value in this world are not obvious.  They are normally hidden, waiting to be discovered.  They are not yours until you  have learned to give up everything to acquire them."  Anton was a hidden treasure.  As a teenager, his big personality, always excitable and with a dramatic flair, was a little bit much for some people. One of his friends said, "He is not everyone's cup of tea."  But, once you give him a chance and let him into your life, you will have someone who will love you blindly and irrevocably.  He spoiled everyone he loves with his love language of service.  So, when I lost him (my everything), I struggled to understand God's wisdom in it.  I still have not found the hidden treasure, but I am hopeful to find it someday.
2. It helps sort between the good and the bad.  Bishop Ambo said, "St. Luke says twice in the infancy narrative, that Mary kept these things in her heart.  I think Luke is describing to us the wisdom of the heart that enabled Mary to sort things out.  She definitely did not keep everything -- because not everything is worth remembering.  Sometimes it is best to forget certain things.  The problem is when we forget what we need to remember; and we remember what we need to forget.  We can end up cluttering our souls, our hearts with toxic memories of anger and resentments and negative memories [regrets]."  When Anton died, I was plagued by all of those times Monster Mom was unleashed, those times I was tough on him or the times I spent working long hours or travelling for weeks.  I found it hard to sleep.  Everytime I closed my eyes I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and the images of those moments would flash in rapid succession.  And then, one night, I heard his voice in my head chiding me with, "Mom!"  (It's a word he can say in 10 million different ways and it would mean something different).  I knew it meant "Stop it".  The following day I started getting #EasterEggsFromAnton.  One of them was a loose page with a narrative of how he saw me.  I will not share it, but it was the reassurance I needed.  The Saturday after that, I decided to back-up all his childhood photos on the cloud.  It was something I'd been meaning to do but never got around to.  My mom sat with me for awhile and she said, "He had a full, happy and beautiful life."  Before me was all the good that I had to remember.
3. It helps us sort the new and the old.  "Hindi lahat ng bago ay dapat tanggapin at hindi lahat ng luma ay wala nang halaga." ("Not everything that's new is worth welcoming and accepting; just as not everything that is old should be thrown away").  These past days I am holding on to all the old that is worth keeping and finding value in the difficult new normal I have to live through for the rest of my life.  Already his passing has resulted to positive change in the lives of family and friends.  While it is nothing compared to holding and hugging him, I find comfort in little moments when he would manifest in one form or another.  

During one of the most difficult nights of the past 40 days, a friend of mine reminded me about something I had written in my blog,  When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

He's not gone; just different.  Wherever he is, I know he continues to love me and everyone he loved by being our strong Advocate before God (and finding ways to give us #EasterEggsFromAnton - like the photo above, which he took and saved on his Google Photos).  And I know, he knows I continue to love him and will honor him by marching on, "keep on swimming" (Finding Nemo), "keep moving forward" (Meet The Robinsons).

Are things getting better?  Easier?  No.  There are good days and bad days; sometimes they're worse. But I am hopeful it will get better someday; that I will see how this fits into Mary's Tapestry Of Love for me. 

I chanced upon below photo from Emily King's IG.  It was the image of hope: that, after I immerse myself in this grief, I will emerge to a Someday much like this -- within and without.

Though you are a million miles away

I feel your love shining down on me

So let me stay here, basking in your warmth

Until my heart is as placid as these waters

And, then, steady on my feet,

I will walk where your light leads.

From Emily King's IG Post