Of course, I cried ... because I remembered the warm fuzzy feeling of sharing such a special time with my son, just the two of us in my room, talking till the wee hours of the morning. I remember being in awe at how grown-up he suddenly was, wondering how the tiny snip of a man who stole my heart had grown into this beautiful human.
And I cried ... because I now understand why my favorite relationship was that of Paul's and Ellie's. I realized the dynamics of their friendship was similar to the one I have with my son.
Paul was this simple pure soul who saw the world as it is and humans as they are, without judgement. He is governed by his heart and gives his 200% in everything he does, especially in loving. And he gets so focused on the object of his affection that he tends to be oblivious to everything else. He decides on something and goes for it without much thought or consideration ... as long as it feels right. He is not very articulate, but he is attentive.
That is my Anton.
Ellie, on the other hand, is so focused on being grown-up. Responsibilities is king. She thrives on routine which gives her a feeling of being in control of her situation. She is strong and independent, taking care of her father and covering for his responsibilities. Her life revolved around the care of her father, making decisions based on what is most practical for both of them.
That is me, except my life revolved around Anton.
When Paul decided he wanted to pursue Aster, Ellie thought it was a long shot. She coached and mentored him, giving him pointers on what to talk about with Aster, complete with tips and tricks on Italian and French names. She even jumped in to save him by texting Aster when she felt he was about to crash and burn.
As my son was in the spectrum, he struggled with social cues and cognition. There were times he would not understand the context of the discussion, missing the point or missing the joke entirely. Thus, he is unable to follow and would try to save face by mimicking everyone's reaction or just grinning or laughing.
When he reached puberty, I knew I had to stop homeschooling him and enroll him into a school that meets his needs. Not just because the subjects are beyond my brain power, but, more importantly, because his personality craves for interaction. And I recognize how critical it is to build meaningful relationships with peers at this stage in his life.
So, after searching high and low, we finally found the right school: Creative Learning Paths. It is a Peace school with a low teacher-student ratio, integrates neurotypical and neuroatypical kids, and partners with our therapy center (CANDENT).
The first few months, I talked to him daily about his interactions with friends. I explained to him the context and gave him insights on the conversations he had. And the minute that I spot someone taking advantage of my son's eagerness to make friends, I get on a phone call with his homeroom teacher and in-house therapist.
Then he started making more friends, and he didn't tell me about all of his conversations anymore. He was getting adjusted and was having fun. Sometimes too much fun, that I got "love" letters from his homeroom teachers. But that's normal. And, when I met his friends in some of the school events, I thought the kid's fine.
Just as Paul did fine, when he decided to take the leap and make his move --- without Ellie's blessings.
The trouble was, Anton wanted to fit in so much that he started acting like everyone else, suddenly "liking" things that he used to roll his eyes over. He did not have his own opinion. He followed what everybody else thought was cool ... or right.
"I'm like a lot of people, which kind of makes me no one." (Aster)
I talked to him about it, challenging the new hype he gets into. "Do you really like this or that? Why? What do you like about it? What do you REALLY like?"
I remember him talking about the "freedom to be who I am". "But who are YOU?", I countered, "You need to figure that out first before you can be 'who you are'." I told him how everyone is in a journey of self-discovery. No one has everything figured out, especially not at his age. But he needs to decide for himself what he believes in and stands for. He should not allow others to pressure him. There is no shame in being different as long as you are being authentic.
And, I believe, that is exactly what he strived to be: authentic ... and loving, in his own fashion.
"The good thing about being different is no one expects you to be like them." (Ellie)
By the end of the movie, Paul's simplistic view of life and love expands.
"I always thought there was the one right way to love. But there are so many more ways than I knew. I never want to be the guy who stops loving someone for the way that they love." (Paul)
While Ellie learns that it is okay to take risks, to allow herself to love (and be loved) and to go for her dreams --- even if it gets messy and uncontrollable sometimes; even if it is unsafe or impractical for the people she loves.
"Love isn't patient and kind and humble. Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold. It's not finding your perfect half - it's the trying and reaching and failing."
"Love is being willing to ruin your good painting for the chance at a great one." (Ellie)
I made it my life goal to rear Anton into a good and positive member of society, a dancer of life and a mover of mountains. In the process of guiding, teaching and coaching (also, ordering around) Anton how to maneuver through life, I learned that loving is about trusting, taking risks ... and letting go.
That is why Paul's and Ellie's friendship was my favorite in the movie --- because, although they couldn't be more different, they found their person in each other. They took the time to know, understand and accept each other, finding and nurturing that special connection. They both matured exponentially as they found the courage to take risks and support each other. Their relationship was built on and grew with their faith on each other ... and love, in its purest form.
This sums up my life (and afterlife) with Anton.
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| Anton lounging on my bed after we discussed the movie, pretending he doesn't know I'm taking a photo. Hahaha! |
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