Wisdom For a Grieving Heart

#EasterEggsFromAnton

Yesterday was the 40th day of Anton's passing.  I organized a Zoom Mass and Kuwentuhang [Storytelling] Anton session with a small group of close family and friends.  I tried to bring in everyone who, I know, was important to Anton at different points in his life (I realized today that I still managed to miss a good number of people - Sorry!).  It was a good move.  We had fun reminiscing about Anton's crazy antics growing up.

We had a bout of awful weather yesterday, as if the heavens took it upon itself to express the state of my heart and spirit.  (They say the 40th is when the soul goes home to the Father and I feared I would feel him less thereafter).  Had I not organized the event, I probably would have spiraled into a really depressive state of mind. 

This morning, I woke up to the following Facebook memories ...

1 Aug 2014

God's message for me today:

I have my plans.  He has his.  Just because things are not going as I planned, doesn't mean it's not going to be great.

My standard of perfect is not His standard of perfect.  Just because it's not my kind of perfect, doesn't mean it's not the right kind.

1 Aug 2015

"There is a plan.  You won't miss it."

(From the prayer app shared by my friend, Elmer)

... and, I realized, these couldn't be more relevant today.  I feel lost.  It was as if God took one look at my plans, said "This won't do",  and scrapped everything.  My plans revolved around what is best for Anton; whatever it takes to help him achieve God's plans for him.  I just didn't think he would achieve it so soon.  

I totally missed the plan.

This made me think of last Sunday's readings, which revolved revolved around wisdom and God's plan.

Snippet from 1st Reading (1 Kings 3:5, 7-12)

"Give your servant, therefore, an understanding heart to judge your people and to distinguish right from wrong.  For who is able to govern this vast people of yours?"

2nd Reading:  Romans 8:28-30

Brothers and sisters:  We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

Snippet from the Gospel (Matthew 13:44-52)

"Do you understand all these things?"  They answered, "Yes."  And he replied, "Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old."

When I heard the 2nd reading, I thought, there's something in here for me.  And Bishop Ambo's homily did not disappoint.  While he did not answer my questions, he provided me with the tool:  Wisdom of the Heart.  He talked about its 3 aspects.

1. It helps identify hidden treasures.  He said:  "The things of value in this world are not obvious.  They are normally hidden, waiting to be discovered.  They are not yours until you  have learned to give up everything to acquire them."  Anton was a hidden treasure.  As a teenager, his big personality, always excitable and with a dramatic flair, was a little bit much for some people. One of his friends said, "He is not everyone's cup of tea."  But, once you give him a chance and let him into your life, you will have someone who will love you blindly and irrevocably.  He spoiled everyone he loves with his love language of service.  So, when I lost him (my everything), I struggled to understand God's wisdom in it.  I still have not found the hidden treasure, but I am hopeful to find it someday.
2. It helps sort between the good and the bad.  Bishop Ambo said, "St. Luke says twice in the infancy narrative, that Mary kept these things in her heart.  I think Luke is describing to us the wisdom of the heart that enabled Mary to sort things out.  She definitely did not keep everything -- because not everything is worth remembering.  Sometimes it is best to forget certain things.  The problem is when we forget what we need to remember; and we remember what we need to forget.  We can end up cluttering our souls, our hearts with toxic memories of anger and resentments and negative memories [regrets]."  When Anton died, I was plagued by all of those times Monster Mom was unleashed, those times I was tough on him or the times I spent working long hours or travelling for weeks.  I found it hard to sleep.  Everytime I closed my eyes I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and the images of those moments would flash in rapid succession.  And then, one night, I heard his voice in my head chiding me with, "Mom!"  (It's a word he can say in 10 million different ways and it would mean something different).  I knew it meant "Stop it".  The following day I started getting #EasterEggsFromAnton.  One of them was a loose page with a narrative of how he saw me.  I will not share it, but it was the reassurance I needed.  The Saturday after that, I decided to back-up all his childhood photos on the cloud.  It was something I'd been meaning to do but never got around to.  My mom sat with me for awhile and she said, "He had a full, happy and beautiful life."  Before me was all the good that I had to remember.
3. It helps us sort the new and the old.  "Hindi lahat ng bago ay dapat tanggapin at hindi lahat ng luma ay wala nang halaga." ("Not everything that's new is worth welcoming and accepting; just as not everything that is old should be thrown away").  These past days I am holding on to all the old that is worth keeping and finding value in the difficult new normal I have to live through for the rest of my life.  Already his passing has resulted to positive change in the lives of family and friends.  While it is nothing compared to holding and hugging him, I find comfort in little moments when he would manifest in one form or another.  

During one of the most difficult nights of the past 40 days, a friend of mine reminded me about something I had written in my blog,  When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

He's not gone; just different.  Wherever he is, I know he continues to love me and everyone he loved by being our strong Advocate before God (and finding ways to give us #EasterEggsFromAnton - like the photo above, which he took and saved on his Google Photos).  And I know, he knows I continue to love him and will honor him by marching on, "keep on swimming" (Finding Nemo), "keep moving forward" (Meet The Robinsons).

Are things getting better?  Easier?  No.  There are good days and bad days; sometimes they're worse. But I am hopeful it will get better someday; that I will see how this fits into Mary's Tapestry Of Love for me. 

I chanced upon below photo from Emily King's IG.  It was the image of hope: that, after I immerse myself in this grief, I will emerge to a Someday much like this -- within and without.

Though you are a million miles away

I feel your love shining down on me

So let me stay here, basking in your warmth

Until my heart is as placid as these waters

And, then, steady on my feet,

I will walk where your light leads.

From Emily King's IG Post

Mary's Tapestry of Love

"God ordains everything, including painful and difficult moments, for the good of those who love Him."

This was the introduction to today's 2nd Reading. 

Excerpt from 2nd Reading - Romans 8:28-30

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

This reminded me of something I noted on my phone.  It was a line from Mama Mary's Blue Book that my family reads during prayer time: 

"Your whole life has been a tapestry of my love."  

Anton asked me why I decided to make a note of it on my phone.  I said, because it is a truth of my life.  Every bad thing that has come my way has turned into some form of blessing.  And then I lost him 2 weeks later.

On the night we laid him to rest, I was writing down another note on my phone when I saw it.  I broke down in painful inconsolable sobs.  "How is losing my son part of this tapestry of love?" I asked.  And the floodgates of resentments came pouring out.  "Why my beautiful boy?"  "What have I done to deserve this?"  "Am I an unworthy mother?" "He prayed to you everyday until his very last night!" "You answered his pettiest prayers, but you turned your back on him when it mattered most" "How is this a blessing?" "Is this what it means to be under your tutelage?"

Her response was:

1. It is God's Will.
2. Yes.  Something good will come from this.
3. I have walked this way.  And I am walking with you now.

I calmed down some.  She lost her son, too.  He was betrayed, tortured and crucified for our salvation -- and she bore the pain of witnessing it all. Then I argued, "You at least knew what you were getting into and signed up for it.  You said, YES."  That is not technically true, though.  She knew He was the Savior.  She knew her heart was going to be pierced by a sword.  But she did not know He would die or the magnitude of the pain she would have to live through.

I then argued back, "You only had Black Saturday to live through and then it was Easter Sunday."  Yes, Jesus showed Himself in tangible form for a few days, but He went back to the Father. And Mama Mary remained to guide and support the new Church. 

As my friend, Monica (Tita Adele), told me, "Game over.  Mission Accomplished na si Anton".  During his final months, while we were locked up, the family witnessed his transformation through prayer, constant questions on the Catholic Faith and the daily effort to follow Christ's teachings.  I realized, in the same way that Jesus' mission was accomplished after His resurrection, Anton had accomplished his mission here on Earth.   And in the same way that Mama Mary carried on to fulfill her motherhood role to the new Church, so I must carry on and move forward towards God's plans for me (although I don't really know what yet).  

The road ahead is definitely not easy.  The scope and depth of my loss is still expanding with a steadily growing list of "firsts without Anton" that pierce my heart each day.  But I take comfort that Mama Mary has walked this way and is holding my hand through this difficult road; holding fast to her tapestry of love; trusting fully in His promise that all things work for good.  Plus, I have the most amazing support system in my family and friends whose tapestry of love and prayers I feel strongly despite the constraints of COVID19.

P.S.

Be careful what you pray for.  This was my daily prayer for Anton as part of our Intentions list:

May Anton grow in godly wisdom and love, harnessing his gifts that he may serve as a true Jedi Knight of Christ; may he find the love that God has planned for him and me he love truly, faithfully, honestly -- God first, family second and humanity as a whole.  May he be selfless; pure of heart, mind and soul.

In true Jedi form, he is now one with The Force.

When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Image from Internet

This post is a month delayed, but I hope the delay helped to distill vs. lose the meaning and original intent. In a sense, it is also perfectly timed.  Afterall, it is my son's 15th birthday today and he is the half who filled my life to brimming.

For those who do not know, my son is in the spectrum (in several, actually) and the best medium to explain the intricacies of social interactions to him is visual stories -- movies, especially. 

Alice Wu's "The Half Of It" could not have come at a more opportune time.  It deals with very relevant and sensitive teenage themes of love, family and sexuality; told in an artistically simple way that is both very accessible and relatable.  I remember being grateful for Alice's storytelling style as I watched my son, intently following the story of the 3 lead characters ... and getting it.  It's a rich resource that I would likely go back to frequently (I know I have already started referencing it in our talks the past couple of weeks) as I help my son maneuver through teenage life.

We had a good hour of a fully engaged debriefing and processing, that closed with both of us writing on our journals.  I don't know what finally ended up in my son's journal, but these are the things we talked about:

There are many forms of love and, although they are not all romantic, they are all beautiful.

At the beginning of the movie, the narrative specifically says, "In case you haven't guessed, this is not a love story.  Or not one where anyone gets what they want." But, I believe, it is.  The movie lays out the different kinds of love without pitting them against each other.  There is not one form of love that eclipses the others ... because, really, all forms are essential to our existence.

1. The love between parents and children. I appreciate how Alice weaved different family dynamics into the story:  crazy big family, single-parent single child, conservative, liberal.  And, not one of them was painted as "bad".  They are all valid and normal, just different from each other.  Parents and children have very unique dynamics, depending on their situations. But their ways of expressing love, although different, are all valid and true.  Whatever their actions and reactions, at the heart of it is love.  
2. The love between friends. The friendship between Ellie and Paul seemed unlikely.  Afterall, they are from very different sectors of the teenage spectrum.  She is the cerebral no nonsense straight A student.  He is a football jock who, although not academically inclined, is emotionally in-touch and a passionate cook.  Their friendship grew out of a deeper understanding of and respect for each other, despite their differences.
3. The blossoming love between lovers.  There is nothing more thrilling than connecting with someone who gets you and, yet, allows you to be and explore who you are.  You don't have to be absolutely the same in everything, but you have that magical space where you overlap and click. (Stress on the value of taking the time to get to know each other without pressures or expectations).
4. The love of self.  The movie developed with each lead character gaining a better understanding or discovering who they really are, acknowledging that and embracing it.

My favorite is the love between Ellie and Paul. It's also the form that, although it can last for years, tends to be underrated and misunderstood.

There are many ways of loving.

Paul:  "I always thought there was one way to love.  One right way.  But there are more ... so many more than I knew.  And I never want to be the guy who stops loving someone for loving the way that they want to love."

I grew up Catholic.  I always thought "catholic" was just a term to distinguish the kind of Christians we are.  In college, I learned in Theology class that "catholic" actually means "universal".  I thought, that made sense ... because that is exactly the kind of love that Jesus preached:  no judgement, no boundaries, loving the person in all his/her frail imperfect beauty.

There is value and reason to our individuality.

Ellie:  "The good thing about being different is no one expects you to be like them.  People don't see what they are not looking for."

Aster:  "So I'm like a lot of people, which makes me kind of no one."

A lot of teenagers, especially in this age of social media, struggle with the "need" for constant affirmation, equating their worth to the "likes" on their posts.  As a result, they do [post] things that they think people will approve of; or whatever is trending.  And their authentic selves get lost amidst the pomp and  [virtual] applause.

The movie showed the beauty of each character's individuality, highlighting each of their strengths and how they are complementary.  There was not one better than the other.  They all helped each other discover and appreciate their gifts; and to recognize and deal with their weaknesses.  

Through the years, I noticed how God sends me things/people/situations exactly when I need them.  "The Half Of It" is definitely one of those things.  It was a conversation starter for a conversation my son and I needed to have. ("... because when the time comes, the Holy Spirit will teach you what you should say." - Luke !2:12).

Lastly, it was refreshing to find a story/movie that gave you that same giddy happy ending feeling even when it closed with letting go.  Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into 
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

When Unrelated Events Converge

Image from the Internet

This whole community quarantine really makes you think.  My slow mind finally connected the dots of seemingly unrelated events.  And, once again, my OCD God has shown me His attention to detail and his loving protection over my family.

On my last business trip to the US, COVID-19 was still just a new form of corona virus.  I, honestly, was just very mildly concerned about traveling.  But, while on staycation the day before my departure, one of my best friends handed me her roll of "Thieves" oil (for the non-oilbolaryo like me, it's a mixture used by thieves to prevent themselves from catching the virus while ransacking houses of families who died during one of the epidemics).  I used it and kept it handy along with the mask.

I had two different sets of workshops/meetings this round, so I got to spend a quality weekend and a half with my family in Dayton; had two massage sessions with my spirit healing masseuse; dinner and dessert with a childhood friend; hung out with a new friend; and shopped ... for tons of gummy vitamins, which I don't usually buy. This time around, I bought a huge bottle each for men, women, women over 50 and a bottle of chewable for my niece who hates gummies.  I stood over my luggage stuffed with all these vitamins and thought, "Gem, you overshopped ... AGAIN".

On my flight back, I packed the masks my aunt managed to buy in my check-in luggage. I debated whether I would get one for myself as I flew back.  I wanted to save it since stocks were running out in Manila.  While I was preparing my emergency medicines, I found three (THREE!) masks in my P&G medicine kit.  I had enough to carry me through my multi-leg flight home.

During my final weekend, my Uncle kept asking me when I would bring my parents and my son to the US.  So, my Aunt and I started discussing plans to take them with me on my next scheduled trip in March-end (supposedly).  When I got home, I started applying for my parents' and my son's US visas.  I kept getting issues with their accounts, that the earliest interview schedule I got was for March 23 - just days before I was supposed to fly out.  I debated on whether I should book their flights already, but I struggled with some decision points in terms of coordinating their flights with mine. So, I decided not to book yet.

Meantime, my parents started noticing how their schedules seem to get reorganized so that they're calendars are suddenly becoming free from March-end onwards.  Their out-of-town engagements were getting moved or cancelled.  We thought, it must be God's will for us to fly out and take a couple of weeks off in the US.  But the interview schedule was not adding up.

On a different note, I had been having issues with the requirements and fees imposed by the BOD (board of directors) of my homeowners association.  This issue had dragged on for months, since October 2019 and just escalated prior to my US trip.  Suffice it to say, I have not started building my house yet.  At this point, frustrated is an understatement. 
I talked to my mom about it, "What am I missing?  What is He trying to tell me?"
"As you said, 'We are called to Active Silence and Active Faith'.  Let's wait"
Before I flew out, my aunt told me, "Listen to the signs."

Then, COVID19 was named and things changed overnight.  My business trip got cancelled as the virus started jumping to other countries and the threat became very real for the Philippines as well.

As it turns out, my compulsive vitamins shopping was inspired.  We are all religiously taking our vitamins daily. 

Looking back, those little protective measures during my multi-leg flights to and from the US must have helped somehow --- if only to give me peace of mind while I watched out for symptoms during the 14-day period.

If my parents' out-of-town engagements pushed through, they would have been exposed to more people, risking exposure to the virus and they would have been locked out of Manila.  We would have all been very anxious being apart during the community quarantine. 

All the frustrating issues with filling up applications and setting up interview schedules at the consul, resulting to a much later schedule than I wanted, ensured I didn't book any flights.  It would have been very frustrating cancelling and getting charged fees.

Had I started building in October or November, the building of my house would be stalled now and might not be in a good phase to stop.  It would also mean we would have hired more people that we would now need to pay without working.  It would bleed my limited funds and compromise my mom's.

I see it now, how all of these unrelated events were simply God watching out for me and my family; how the frustrating "bad" things were actually blessings in disguise  (but I should know that by now).

If He perfectly engineered all these for me and my little family, how can we not trust that, despite all the "bad" things that have happened because of COVID19, there are even bigger blessings in disguise coming out of it?

How many blessings have you spotted so far?

Finding The Silver Crowning (Of COVID19)

Image from the Internet

It has been a week and a half since I started working from home; 4 days since I last stepped out of our village; 3 days since the community quarantine was put in place.  

Execution is definitely not flawless and guidelines have been changing on a daily (or even less than daily) basis.  And I get it.  This is not exactly the kind of situation they teach in school, plus we live in a 3rd world country with limited resources (and corrupt officials ... but I digress).  The government and everyone in the country are learning as we go. 

Now, more than ever, the country needs to pull together to carry us through these difficult times.  And I am very happy to see the Bayanihan spirit shining through.  Various individuals, groups and organizations are finding ways to help the frontliners and those most impacted by the economy slowing down. This gives me tremendous hope.

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5; from Sunday's 2nd Reading)

Times like these the natural tendency is to feel anxious, helpless, exasperated or even desperate.  But remaining in this state of mind does not really do anyone good, so let's recognize and acknowledge the feelings and then move on --- lest we lash out on other people and do things we will regret later on; or that aggravate the situation.  Instead, we should cling to the hope God has given us and trust that the "love God has poured into our hearts" will show us the way.

***

All "bad" things are blessings in disguise.  I am a staunch believer of this.  It's proven and tested.  Yes, there were "bad" things that really hurt, but they always ALWAYS redirected me to somewhere I was meant to be. And it's always better.

Reflecting on COVID-19 taking the world by storm, the following are, I think, its silver crowning 😉

• Pause. After the initial flurry of panic buying and setting up work from home, we are actually forced to pause and take a break.  All of a sudden, we have TIME.
• Families reconnecting. The community quarantine forced people to stay at home, allowing for more quality interaction among family members beyond the usual rushed hi-hello-bye.
• Bayanihan spirit (Lending a helping hand).  Yes, a lot of people started panic buying.  But zoom in on those people who, amidst all that, noticed a need and filled it.  Australia started the "elderly hour" which gave the elderly an hour's leadtime to shop before the rush. Movements sprouted to help provide for the needs of the frontliners (food, equipment, transportation), the poor families who have nothing to eat.  Companies have converted production facilities to produce masks, alcohol, etc. Policemen cooking food and distributing them at checkpoints.  A fitness instructor on a roof, leading a workout session; or various fitness companies publishing free online classes.
• Mindful Consumption.  With the economy being crippled by the community quarantine, we have a heightened awareness of how finite our resources are; so, we are more mindful of our consumption and are less wasteful.
• A return to God (or that higher power one believes in). This is something that cannot be resolved by a single individual.  There is no one solution to fix this.  All we can do is trust.

Lastly and most importantly, Reprieve for Mother Earth.  She is finally able to take a breath from humankind's battery.  Companies shutting down drastically improved the air quality in different countries.  There is marked reduction in carbon footprint from transportation, especially air travel. That's how many days of no air conditioning in offices!

I think this is the number one lesson we all should take away from this.  We were brought into this world to be its stewards yet we had been greedy and irresponsible, to say the least. There is a consequence to every action.  This was a consequence to years of mismanagement of Earth's gifts. 

It is my hope that we all take seriously the lessons COVID19 (and the past natural disasters) is trying to impart and take proactive steps to ensure the future generations do not forget. 

"Moses spoke to the people and said: “Now, Israel, hear the statutes and decrees which I am teaching you to observe, that you may live, and may enter in and take possession of the land which the Lord, the God of your fathers, is giving you. 5 Therefore, I teach you the statutes and decrees as the Lord, my God, has commanded me, that you may observe them in the land you are entering to occupy.

... , take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and to your children’s children." (Deuteronomy 4:1,5,9; from today's 1st Reading)

Art by Inadoodles

19 And Some

A few months ago I celebrated 19 years of being a "corporate slave", just a year shy of our service center's 20th year of  establishment.  I was honored as one of the center's pioneers at the Gala a couple of weeks ago. At that moment, it felt nothing more than a loyalty award that highlighted my age (and everyone knows that's the first rule against successful female engagement ... tsk tsk tsk!).  Looking around at everyone I was up on stage with, I felt my corporate achievements appallingly mediocre in comparison. It made me look back on all the years I burned the midnight oil, deliriously working to meet a deadline. For sure, whatever breakthrough initiatives I delivered then is now passe. A terribly melancholic thought on a day of celebration; to realize that ~20 years have gone by and I had nothing major to show for it.

Then it came to me: the ten million coffee breaks, ambush lunches and dinner dates.  I would have left a long time ago had it not been for these. I realized, the best moments in my corporate life came from: (1) random emails from friends who were promoted, letting me know how I had been a huge influence; (2) skype (or whatever older versions we had) messages from familiar names thanking me for hiring them ... or coaching them out; (3) local and overseas calls at normal and odd hours for urgent career or life mentoring; (4) surprise visits from my old kiddos, braving south traffic and toll fees, just for a catch up; and (5) being asked to be a wedding sponsor (despite being young and SINGLE! Yes, this definitely takes the cake) .

I couldn't help but smile to myself, realizing how God knows the workings of my mind and heart enough to send me little shooting stars leading up to the event:

• A friend telling me he kept an informal training I put together on my coaching and people management principles
• Another friend asking me how I turned around a non-performer into a top performer
• A number of previous "babies" who said they kept my notes and "tough love" letters as references they go back to until now (how odd they would tell me this around the same time, too!)

My heart is full.

That is why, when I was offered another Operations "gig", I said yes.  I'm ready to get back to the saddle and run with my passion for organization shaking and building.

Happy 20th, MSC!

Repeat Until It Sticks

Time flies! I can't believe half a year has gone by since my last blog entry.  Yes, so much has happened, but don't worry.  This is not an update blog.

AMJ (April-May-June) is turning out to be a quarter of getting-to-know myself again.  That's a whole $#!t load that I won't be bringing you guys into.  Suffice it to say, that it's been quite a ride and am bracing myself for a big finish.

But I will let you in on a small bit, which I think is worth sharing.

I spent a couple of weeks with family in Australia to visit my sister and to decenter (I often call it disengaging, but, apparently, the formal term is "decentering"). I spent the first week attending morning Mass daily.  When I don't know where to start fixing myself, I just go to Mass --- with a blank mind and an open heart.  The first couple of days were difficult.  It took a lot of effort to be still and to silence all the voices in my head. When there's too much noise, it's hard to listen.  Thankfully, with God's grace, my heart stopped racing and I breathed easier.  The entire week went by fast ... and without any answer.  Of course, it didn't help that I could not even figure out my question.  BUT I know, that what my heart has locked safely away from me, is as plain as day for Him.  So, I went on my merry way for the balance of our holiday.

In true God fashion, though, He gave me exactly what I needed on the very last day.  Never in a hurry, but ALWAYS on time.

On the eve of our flight back, we went to anticipated Mass.  We were supposed to attend at this beautiful Church I went to the first day, but we could not find parking even though we were there early.  We went, instead, to my Aunt's parish Church.

When I saw who was presiding, Fr. John, I knew we were meant to be there.

Then, he started reading the Gospel.  I thought it sounded familiar until I realized it was a repeat of the Gospel the previous Friday - the last day of my daily morning Mass on the first week.  I perked up, all senses engaged.  I thought, there's an Easter egg coming.

John 21:1 -1 14

1 At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. 2Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples. 3 Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We also will come with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 4 When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them,“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” 6 So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. 7 So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. 9 When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord. 13Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.

True enough, Fr. John's homily was the answer to the question I could not form in my head. He summarized his thoughts into 3 simple points.

1. Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us; and need a "Beloved Disciple" to point it out to us.  I remembered a conversation I had with my Aunt where she pointed out exactly what I needed to do.  I realized, I had a similar conversation with a casual (sage) acquaintance who essentially pointed me towards the same direction just a few months prior.  I thought, I must be pretty dense or pretty scared.  I decided I was (am) scared.
2. Once we know the goal, there are two ways to get to it: (1) leave everything and just go for it; and (2) go slowly and bring the fish.  Some people have the capacity to go "all or nothing"; while some people's circumstances require several considerations.  Thus, they need to be more practical in their approach.  There is no right approach for everyone, just the right one for YOU.  Go for that.  Of course, that means some get to their goals faster, while others take longer.  That doesn't mean the faster ones win, while the rest are losers.  Each of us have our own paths to follow.  We need to respect our timing and to honor our own journey.  But the main point is, GO FOR IT!  Remember:  "Find the Purpose; the Means will Follow" (A little wisdom found on a pet cooling mat. Seriously, God finds the weirdest ways to get to me!). Otherwise, you will find yourself doing or settling for mediocre work --- because anything outside your passion is mediocre.  Neither you nor the world will benefit from the under-utilization of your talents and the curtailing of your full capability.
3. Be open to God's surprises by maintaining a good relationship with Him.  That is the only way you will be able to understand His plans/Will. This one is a reminder for me.  I have been crazy busy with big and small things that I have not been able to sustain a decent quiet time with Him.  And, I know, busy is never a good excuse to compromise my relationship with Him (or myself).  I am trying to get it back into my daily rhythm.  And, I will be honest, I have been faltering.  But, still, I keep praying for the grace to keep at it even when I don't feel like it.

None of these is really new, but sometimes we just need to be reminded.  That has generally been the theme of my life.  I feel what I need to do in my gut, I acknowledge it, decide to go for it ... and then get cold feet until it fizzles out.  God, meantime, has been repeating it over and over for me ... until it sticks.  Such a patient God.

So ... here's to me, finally taking that first step and shuffling for a couple more.  With His grace, I'm going to keep going in this slow but steady and deliberate pace.

I chose this photo because it's one of my favorites from the trip. And, I imagine, it took constant repeated sculpting by the waves for these rocks to form.

KAPAYAPAAN: A Weekend About Peace (Part 1 - #Peacified)

Representatives from different communities
leading the group prayer. 

September 29 was the #Peacified event of my son's school, Creative Learning Paths, and its partner organizations.  It is an annual Peace Fair organized as part of the "Teach Peace, Build Peace" Movement and participated in by schools catering to Christians, Muslims and Indigenous communities.

I didn't want to go because, honestly, I would rather help my sister (Inadoodles) teach her Art Class at CBTL Bistro in BGC than melt in my son's outdoor school activity. But it was my son's first major school activity outside of school and he was really looking forward to it.  I'm glad we attended.

The event, although it did not disappoint in its promise of extreme heat, more than made up with the activities and the booths.



PEACE BUDDY

The best part of the program was that of pairing up kids from different schools to finish a set of activities in their "peaceport" together.  This gave each child that joined a first hand interaction with another child who was brought up very differently, inculcating a mindset of diversity and inclusion.

A few weeks before the event, the parents had to sign up their kids for this part of the program.  I left the option open and told my son what I thought about it, but told him that I am letting him decide for himself. I didn't want to force him into an interaction and end up disappointing (or frustrating) him and his potential buddy.

My son's buddy was a Muslim boy, Mohammad.

I was so happy when he decided to sign up for it.  On the day itself, though, I was a bit worried about how my son would react.  I forgot to brief him on the ride over (Yes, he needs to be prepared emotionally and mentally).  But when they were called, he did not hesitate to join Mohammad with a smile and even went in for a high-five.  (#ProudMomMoment).

I shadowed them for awhile until he said, "Mom, you can go around the booths by yourself" - a silent assurance that he's got it, as well as, a veiled plea for me to buzz off.

PEACE BOOTHS

There were a number of booths with various materials on Peace.  It was only then that I realized the broad scope and the diverse meaning of Peace.  Peace is also a kind of spectrum!  It means different things to different people and, yet, if you really get down to its very core, we all want the same kind of peace.

The booths that caught my attention:

• Teach Peace, Build Peace booth.  The booth had tarps on the movement's main strategies: (1) Nurturing Peace in the Heart of Every Child; (2)  Building Peace Heroes Alliance; and (3) Institutionalizing Peace Education for All.

Teach Peace Build Peace

• Christianity booth. It had a reading lounge area with pillows and lots of quick easy-read Bible story books and lives of saints. There was a huge board just outside where anyone can post their prayers and thoughts on peace. Going through what the kids put up on the board was both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

          

• Islam booth. The booth had various reading materials and cultural effects that highlighted Muslim beliefs and way of life.  There was a board with some basic teachings which, I realized, had its corresponding teachings in Christianity.  Outside the booth was another board with prayers and peace thoughts as well. What I read in this board was not too different from what I read on the Christianity board. 

      

• Aeta booth. My son enjoyed going through this booth as the Aetas brought various unique products made of plants they grow.  I saw some toys that were reminiscent of my childhood.  The kids marveled at the simple yet ingeniously functional toys.

      

• The Army booth.  Yes, the military was there and they had no guns.  They even had male and female soldier mascots; and a photobooth that let the kids wear different uniforms ... even a camouflage that made them look like part of the foliage!
• The "-ism" booth.  I forgot what it was called (Haha!).  But it had different kinds of games that the peace buddies had to complete together.  There was one that highlighted all the different ways people tend to discriminate these days.

Going through the booths was eyeopening for me and, I realized, there is so much more I need to teach my son (and myself) about peace.  

SURPRISE TREAT

While I wandered around the booths by myself, I stumbled upon one of our previous neighbors I grew up with.  I always considered her as one of my little sisters and, apparently, she considered me as an older sister.  In fact, that's what she said when she introduced me to her boyfriend.  While our kids mingled with school friends and new friends, the two of us had a marathon catch-up over iced coffee, while dutifully taking photos and videos of our kids.

We were both very happy to find out, that, without our prompting (or conniving), our kids met each other in school and hit it off instantly --- even though they belong to different grade levels with very different dispositions (her daughter is an introvert, while my son is an extrovert).  It just goes to show how much we are limiting ourselves once we start putting labels on people.

That said, knowing that my son has an "older sister" watching his back in school definitely gives me some peace of mind.

THE END OF THE FAIR

We had to leave before my son's class had their presentation, since we had to catch an anticipated Mass.  (We had a scheduled Sunday hike the following day and wanted to make sure we don't miss it).  While walking towards the car, my son thanked me for taking him to the peace fair.  I took the opportunity to debrief with him and exchange thoughts on the events of the day.

Me:  "Why did you ask me to talk to Mohammad?"

A:  "Because I don't know what to talk about and you always do"

Me:  "You should have tried looking for something in common"

A:  "I did.  We both like Art ... and games"

Me:  "And?"

A:  "We made a peace poster"

Me:  "That's it?  Did you finish the 'peaceport' activities?"

A:  "Yes po ... but I wanted to be with my friends, too."

I sighed.  That meant he ditched Mohammad as soon as they finished all the tasks.  I had hoped they would hit it off.  I debated whether to go into a lecture or to park it for another day.  I parked it and decided to talk about the interesting stuff I saw at the booths.  "Read this," I said, handing over my phone with a photo of a Muslim kid's prayer to Allah.  He glanced at it and gave it right back.

Me:  "Did you read it?"

A:  "Yes po, but it doesn't even matter because it's for Allah"

I looked at him in dismay. "I can't believe you just said that!  Allah is the Muslim's version of God.  How do you think Mohammad will feel about what you said?"  My son turned pale and then looked at me in horror at the realization. I piled on, "How would you feel if Mohammad dismissed our God the way you did his Allah?"

A: "I get it now, Mom. I know.  I'm sorry. I am still trying to understand and be respectful."

Social interactions and sensitivities do not come as naturally or as easily for people in the spectrum.  A lot of the social actions, reactions and behaviors need to be taught and hammered into them.  They follow patterns they learn and make them into rules.  But the right reaction to a situation may not always be the same.  There are other factors that come into play that help us determine the right behavior. It is in this subjectivity and discretion where the neuroatypical often falter ... and where neurotypicals need to give them more concessions.

My son was taught to be a staunch Catholic.  His reaction came from years of pounding on him the Catholic doctrines and beliefs.  Apparently, I have not done a very good job at teaching him about  Christ's brand of Love and what He meant by universal Church.  

I soldier on.  So, help me God.

My son's and his peace buddy's peace poster

We Are All A Little Mental

A couple of weeks ago, my sister told me I had to take her slot in a half-day workshop.  I grumbled a bit.  I mean, come on, it was a Saturday! (I had important plans, particularly to catch up on lost sleep).  But I woke up bright and early and marched into a nice little basement hall (with ZERO signal!) for the MAGIS workshop, Head On:  Let's Talk About Mental Wellness.

It was the best half day I spent without coffee in months!

There are 4 aspects that determine our overall well-being:  Biological, Psychological, Social and Spiritual.  For each of these, there is some way to measure whether a person is within normal range.  Normally (pun intended), a person can fall within normal range in one or more aspects, but rarely for all.  Thus, no one is absolutely "normal".  We are all within one type of spectrum or another.  In fact, if you aren't a little bit mental, you're probably not human.

The MAGIS group put together a comprehensive team of experts that talked richly (albeit briefly) on an array of topics, sufficient for a very good and growingly important base knowledge on mental health.  Below are some of the important points I learned that day:

• Mental health is driven by shifts or changes -- minor or major -- in our BioPsychoSocialSpiritual aspects. It can be from just one aspect or a combination.  This means, that there are only factors associated with the development of mental illness, but no definitive cause.  
• Many people can live with multiple factors conducive for a mental illness or even show symptoms sometimes, but are not clinically (meaning: consistently exhibiting the symptoms) diagnosed.  They are able to cope with the symptoms.  Studies show these are people who typically have a good support system.
• There are no absolute cures for mental illnesses, only remedies.
• Diagnosis is made using phenomenological perspective, meaning: based on observed symptoms (relying heavily on the clinician's judgement) vs. biological markers.  There are no bio markers that can conclusively indicate a mental condition.
• There is a huge variety of mental disorders with overlapping symptoms. Thus, it can be a challenge to conclusively diagnose a person without spending sufficient time observing him/her.
• Feelings and thoughts are uncontrollable.  We can only control our behavior or actions/reactions in relation to these.
• 6 out of the 9 basic emotions are universally viewed as "bad".  Because of this, people maintain a negative connotation when feeling these emotions, curtailing their natural tendency to "feel" these and process completely.
• The brain is neuroplastic.  It is highly flexible and changeable.  Synapses can be trained, exercised and strengthened.
• We can get a visual of these strengths/weaknesses of different areas of our brain through a Brain Map!
• Impulsiveness, Autism and ADHD are due to under-stimulated (under-aroused) brains.
• Impulsiveness and creativity are in the same area of the brain. Notice how artists seem to be a little bit more crazier? (Hehe!)
• Everything is dual in nature. Recognizing and accepting this helps us to deal with this duality better.
• Everyone is continuously looking for healing.
• Trauma is stored in the body and can manifest in different ways, including stiffness in movement.
• Movement creates change and, thus, can initiate a change in mindset.
• The expressive arts help access the internal.
• All art is good art and is always a good starting point of healing.
• As adults, the only time we allow ourselves to play is when we are around kids.  It is important to give ourselves a space to play and to be deliberate about playing for ourselves.
• These are the 7 levels of our existence.  All of these are important and we need to be mindful and actively cultivating the health of each.

1. Physical body
2. Breath
3. Mind (as in the function of the brain)
4. Intellect (judgment)
5. Memory
6. Ego (how you separate yourself from others; feeling of superiority or inferiority is an expression of Ego)
7. Spirit (that level of our existence that is most connected to all things)

Phew!  It's a laundry list, isn't it?  It's a barrage of knowledge nuggets that seem so diverse that it's easy to lose that hint of connection. I'm sitting here, wondering how I can elegantly tie it all together and close this blog.

What did I learn?  

First, when God said He created each of us uniquely, He wasn't kidding.  Therefore, there is no such thing as normal.  Each person was given a unique set of graces and abilities, designed for a very specific purpose in His overall plan.  Armed with these, He has set each of us on our very own journey.  Yes, our paths converge sometimes, but the entire journey is ours alone.  

Second, He didn't create us perfect (But what is perfect, anyway?), just perfect for our roles.  He purposely created us with some kinks and chinks, because we were meant to need each other.  We were meant to help and support each other.  We have our own struggles, most of them hidden (like icebergs) from even the closest people in our lives.  Once we are able to recognize and accept our struggles, we are able to seek, recognize and accept help from others.

Third, knowing and accepting these as universal truths should make us more compassionate and prompt us to give more allowances to each other, to #ChooseKind always. Deliberately.    

(Oh, and I think I have PMDD - Premenstrual  Dysphoric Disorder. Yes, it's an official mental disorder since 2013, apparently).

"Did You Get Loved Enough?"

A couple of days ago, I was finally able to watch the full movie, "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood".  For years, I just saw bits of the movie, although I always meant to sit down and watch it.  I thought it was just awfully bad timing.  But, when I finally watched it, I realized, that night was the right time for me to see it.  I had been chewing on it these past days with so many thoughts swimming in my head.

Three events led me to think it was time to bring the thoughts to shore:

• I got so ticked off (okay. fine. I was heaving in anger) at two incredibly rude teenagers at the parking lot that I couldn't enjoy shopping (imagine that!).  So, my son did the only thing he could do:  he hugged me.
• I read this on the internet:  "If someone becomes angry over silly or petty things, it means he/she needs love."
• I watched "Incredibles 2" (it's an explanation too long for a parenthesis, so just watch it).

The scene that got me was the one between Siddalee (Sandra) and her father, Shep.

Shep:  "It can be summed up in, 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.'"
Sidda:  "What about the road back? What's that paved with?"
Shep:  "Humility"
Sidda:  "Really?  Does she even have that in her repertoire?"
Shep:  "Not that she'd care to admit.  Pride covers a multitude of sins.  But you live with someone long enough you can see what they're trying to hide by the way they try to hide it.  She's hurting, too, baby girl."
Sidda:  "Daddy?  Did you get loved enough?"
Shep:  "What is enough?  The question is ... did you?  It's never too late."


This reminded me of a common notion people have when children act out or when adults are particularly difficult: "He/She must not have been loved enough."

But what is enough?

To be loved means there is also a giver of love.  There are two people involved.

Two completely different people --- with different histories; different personalities and temperaments; different principles and values; different needs; different mental and emotional capacities; different love languages.

Two individuals experiencing life from very different perspectives --- with very different definitions of good days and bad days; very different stress levels; very different stress or pain thresholds; different goals and intentions.

I realized, any relationship --- whether between parent and child, between lovers / spouses / partners, between siblings, between friends, colleagues or even simple acquaintances --- is tremendously hard work!  It is a constant balancing act between two people, who trust and love each other enough to risk the possibility of getting hurt.

That is why it is important to choose well the people to maintain meaningful relationships with.  These are the people who love and value you for who you are --- perks and quirks; graces and faults.  They are the ones who will safeguard your vulnerability and protect your reputation, while serving you the painful truth upfront (without the frills or the ice cream).  They will gladly (or begrudgingly) walk that road back (half way or all the way, as needed) paved with humility.  And YOU will do the same for them ... so choose well!

BUT what is enough?

The truth is, there is never enough.  Only the constant awareness that each person is different and going through different circumstances; the deliberate openness to see and understand from another person's perspective; and the humble acceptance that we do not know and understand another person completely ... or that no one ever fully understands us.

Makes you wonder if you have loved enough, huh?

It's never too late.

Bigger Bear Series: A Good Friday (Mission Accomplished!)

It is the second day of the Easter Triduum and I am sensing a trend here.  It looks like it's back-to-basics for us.  This year's Holy Week exercise seems to be for my son; for him to appreciate more the history behind the traditions.  We reflected on the Siete Palabras, completed the Way of the Cross, attended the Liturgy, venerated the cross and the Santo Entierro, and started the Divine Mercy novena together.

I see now the value of going through the motions of the traditional activities and participating in the liturgical rites of the Easter Triduum.  In explaining to my son the background of each tradition, I gained a renewed appreciation for and a deepening of my faith ... having immersed myself fully in Jesus' final moments and understanding His heart behind it.


Siete Palabras (7 Last Words)

We had planned to go to confession this morning, but I slept late and had a hard time waking up.  This, apparently, was a good thing.  Had I woken up and trooped my son and sister to confession, we wouldn't have been able to watch the SVD's Siete Palabras on TV.  Seeing my son intently watching it, even though most of the speakers spoke in formal Filipino (which was difficult for him), warmed my heart.  More so, when he started adding the songs to my Spotify playlist, "soulfood", which he requested access to last night: "Mom, may I have "soulfood" on my phone, too?".  I was doubly proud when he passed by the church bulletin board to check out the confession schedules.

As for me, while a lot of it are reminders, I found some new learnings as well.  Sharing those that struck a cord or struck twice:

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

Is this not the same line we typically use about small children doing something naughty?  This reminds me of several incidents with my younger siblings, while we were growing up.  I am the eldest.  It took 5 years before my sister came along, so I was very much "well-trained" already by that time.  I could not understand the double-standards.  How come I am always getting reprimanded, while I had to constantly forgive my sister?  "Di pa niya naiintindihan ginagawa niya" (She does not understand what she is doing yet) - was a perpetual line used by the adults whenever my sister grabbed my stuff or annoyed me.  And it was a line I will continue hearing ... 2 more siblings came after.  As I grew older, I understood what the line meant, appreciating that the small kids are still figuring out the implications of their actions.  My son, being the eldest grandson, is also grappling with this line.  I am happy to see, that he is finally able to understand it now and is teaching the same thing to his younger cousins.

In Jesus' case, though, these are adults. fully aware of what they were doing.  And, yet, He used that line.  He was the older brother asking the Father's forgiveness for His younger more foolish siblings.  Growing up, I had always wanted an older brother  Jesus is just the dream older brother anyone could wish for; the kind who always had your back and stood up for you ... even in front of the Father.  How cool is that?

(It needs to be mentioned that God also sent me a concrete big brother in the person of my cousin, Myk - being the youngest in his family, he played that role willingly for me; sometimes more protective than my Papa, but I love him to bits).

"Amen, I say to thee, this day thou shalt be with me in paradise."

It is never too late for a change of heart.  "Habang may buhay, may pag-asa". (While there is life, there is hope). As long as there is remorse and repentance is whole-hearted, God will forgive in a heartbeat.

I always wondered why God wanted to wait until the very end, before separating the weeds from the harvest. One reason is that God is more patient with us.  He also has great faith in our capacity to be good.  Another reason, more relevant for the times, is that sometimes when we pull out the weeds, we pull out the good harvest as well.  That is how I see the war against drugs happening now.  While ridding the country of "bad elements", it leaves in its wake an entire generation of children who are forced to grow up without parents.  Yes, some of them might end up with better lives.  But, I believe, for majority of the cases, we are breeding future adults filled with hatred or, at best, scarred for life.  I can only hope, that the victims were able to reconcile with God and repent before they were killed.  And, I pray, that the blood-stained hands have a good reflection this Holy Week and realize the error in their judgement; that they might see things, finally, from God's perspective.

"Woman, behold thy son."  "Behold, thy mother"

My favorite.  With these words, Jesus gave us Mary to be our Mother.  It will take more than this blog to fully explain the best gift that Jesus ever gave mankind. Growing up, I always turned to her for help or just to unburden.  Now that I am a mother (and a single mother, at that), she has also become a mentor. A couple of years ago, I studied her deeper and realized just how kick-ass she is.  (Read about it in my 33 Days of Morning Glory blog series).

"My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?"

 The priest who reflected on this shared a very apt story from his childhood.

Growing up he had always held his father in high esteem.  But, in school one day, a bigger boy bullied him and hurt his arm with a knife. He saw his father and came rushing to him, thinking that he will give the bully an intense beating or, at least, reprimand the boy.  But his father gave him a weapon and urged him to do what he wanted.  Needless to say, he felt hurt and abandoned.  When he got older, he understood the wisdom of what his father did.  He needed to fight his own battles; to learn how to deal with life's adversities; to find the courage to stand for his principles and values.

Now that I am a mother, I understand God's wisdom even more.  These trials build character and help us become even just a little bit more Christ-like.  I know, that while I struggle to overcome my trials, He is there watching over me --- just as I (anxiously and calling upon all the self-control I can muster) watch in the sidelines as my son faced and dealt with a bully at the playground. Sometimes it is easy to whine and complain.  But, I know in my heart, that, during those times, He is watching me ever more closely --- believing in my capacity to overcome, while remaining true to my core values.  For there is nothing He sends our way, that He has not adequately equipped us with grace.

"I thirst"

This, for me, has always been the most painful line he uttered.  I cannot possibly do justice to the very comprehensive reflection of the priest, but I will try.

He started off by explaining the basic life-sustaining and healing properties of water.  We die faster from lack of water than from lack of food.

Then, the priest talked about the scripture passage when Jesus asked for water from a Samaritan woman.

10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Jesus is the Living Water and, yet, on the cross He said, "I thirst".  He did not thirst for actual water, but for mankind's love.  Imagine, this is the moment when He felt abandoned by the Father and the very ones He is offering His life for do not have any clue, that the Man they nailed to the cross just saved them.  We are an ungrateful lot.  And more than 2000 years later we still haven't learned anything.  We still "do not know what we [they] are doing".  And everyday, since that first Good Friday, He has been thirsting for our love.

"It is consummated" ("It is finished")

This is the verse about which I learned something new.  The Hebrew translation actually means "to finish, fulfill".  (In the Hebrew context, it could also mean:  "Paid in Full").  This meant, that everything that had been prophesied about the Messiah had already been fulfilled.  All the requirements of the sacrifice had been complied with (excuse the finance stewardship lingo).  It is not an exhausted whimpering of a dying man.  It is a deliberate proclamation of "Mission accomplished!".

A more detailed (short) discussion on this is found here:  What Did Jesus Mean By "It is Fnished?"

"Father, into Thy hands I commend my Spirit"

This was a proclamation of complete and utter surrender to the Father.  Although Jesus uttered this at the point of his death, this is a very powerful final teaching.  When we are at our most difficult, darkest moments, let us entrust ourselves - not just our lives, but especially our spirit (our very essence) - to the Father.

The person who shared for this verse lived through the very difficult tragedy of her father's (at age 76) brutal murder.  Being very close to her father, the incident broke her in her deepest parts.  It broke her spirit.  She shared about the pain of loss and the even greater pain of the forgiveness process; a process that liberated her in the end.  She realized then how, more than the loss, keeping the grudge was killing her spirit.

She ended her sharing with this: "I cannot control the wind, only my sail".


It is amazing how I grew up with these words and yet the meaning constantly changes.  There is much more context now, that enriches the meaning and broadens the relevance of these simple lines.  Jesus never wasted a single moment of His short life.  Until the very end, He was still able to insert these final words rich with embedded lessons and instructions to live by.  (In Filipino I would call this "Huling Tagubilin ni Hesus").  Such a rockstar, don't you think?