Mary's Tapestry of Love

"God ordains everything, including painful and difficult moments, for the good of those who love Him."

This was the introduction to today's 2nd Reading. 

Excerpt from 2nd Reading - Romans 8:28-30

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

This reminded me of something I noted on my phone.  It was a line from Mama Mary's Blue Book that my family reads during prayer time: 

"Your whole life has been a tapestry of my love."  

Anton asked me why I decided to make a note of it on my phone.  I said, because it is a truth of my life.  Every bad thing that has come my way has turned into some form of blessing.  And then I lost him 2 weeks later.

On the night we laid him to rest, I was writing down another note on my phone when I saw it.  I broke down in painful inconsolable sobs.  "How is losing my son part of this tapestry of love?" I asked.  And the floodgates of resentments came pouring out.  "Why my beautiful boy?"  "What have I done to deserve this?"  "Am I an unworthy mother?" "He prayed to you everyday until his very last night!" "You answered his pettiest prayers, but you turned your back on him when it mattered most" "How is this a blessing?" "Is this what it means to be under your tutelage?"

Her response was:

1. It is God's Will.
2. Yes.  Something good will come from this.
3. I have walked this way.  And I am walking with you now.

I calmed down some.  She lost her son, too.  He was betrayed, tortured and crucified for our salvation -- and she bore the pain of witnessing it all. Then I argued, "You at least knew what you were getting into and signed up for it.  You said, YES."  That is not technically true, though.  She knew He was the Savior.  She knew her heart was going to be pierced by a sword.  But she did not know He would die or the magnitude of the pain she would have to live through.

I then argued back, "You only had Black Saturday to live through and then it was Easter Sunday."  Yes, Jesus showed Himself in tangible form for a few days, but He went back to the Father. And Mama Mary remained to guide and support the new Church. 

As my friend, Monica (Tita Adele), told me, "Game over.  Mission Accomplished na si Anton".  During his final months, while we were locked up, the family witnessed his transformation through prayer, constant questions on the Catholic Faith and the daily effort to follow Christ's teachings.  I realized, in the same way that Jesus' mission was accomplished after His resurrection, Anton had accomplished his mission here on Earth.   And in the same way that Mama Mary carried on to fulfill her motherhood role to the new Church, so I must carry on and move forward towards God's plans for me (although I don't really know what yet).  

The road ahead is definitely not easy.  The scope and depth of my loss is still expanding with a steadily growing list of "firsts without Anton" that pierce my heart each day.  But I take comfort that Mama Mary has walked this way and is holding my hand through this difficult road; holding fast to her tapestry of love; trusting fully in His promise that all things work for good.  Plus, I have the most amazing support system in my family and friends whose tapestry of love and prayers I feel strongly despite the constraints of COVID19.

P.S.

Be careful what you pray for.  This was my daily prayer for Anton as part of our Intentions list:

May Anton grow in godly wisdom and love, harnessing his gifts that he may serve as a true Jedi Knight of Christ; may he find the love that God has planned for him and me he love truly, faithfully, honestly -- God first, family second and humanity as a whole.  May he be selfless; pure of heart, mind and soul.

In true Jedi form, he is now one with The Force.