There are different complexities for children in the spectrum and it's a different mix with every child. For my son, he has a huge capacity for love, able to understand and empathize from a third person point of view, but unable to derive that correlation when it comes to himself and his interactions with other people. As with any teenager, he is obsessed with being cool, fitting in and crushes.
Weird?
Here are some anecdotes:
During one of our drives home from the drop-off point ...
A: "Mom, I have a classmate who doesn't get chosen"
Me: "Doesn't get chosen?"
A: "For teams"
Me: "Oh! Kawawa naman (Poor kid)"
A: "Don't worry, Mom. I've got him. I always make sure to choose him for my team".
After he caused some trouble in his old homeschool group for saying "I like you, too" to two girls, I explained to him what the girls meant when they said "I like you" and asked if he liked them, too. When other girls in the homeschool group started telling him they liked him too, I figured they were just getting back at him and told him so. He insisted he could tell that they really do, but he learned his lesson and is very clear to tell them that he likes them as friends only. I conceded with a warning to be careful. A couple of weeks later ...
A: "Mom, you were right. They are just playing with me [shrugs]. It's okay. They're still my friends."
I looked at him and he was indeed okay. My son is unable to fully grasp what lies behind other people's malicious actions towards him. As such, he takes no offense. It was only then that I fully understood what "Ignorance is bliss" and "What you don't know won't hurt you" truly meant. Often we have to explain to him the implications of other people's actions towards him ... and that's the only time he will feel bad. When he becomes aware, though, and genuinely feels hurt, it takes a lot for him to recover from it.
On the second week of school, we had a Parent-Child night. Part of the program was a dialogue between parents and children where we talked about the things that hurt us. My son let me and my sister go first. When it was his turn to tell us about the things that hurt him ...
A: "I get hurt when I disrespect you."
Me: "That's you hurting me. What hurts you?"
A: "I get hurt when I hurt you and Auntie"
Me: "Yes ... but what hurts you. What is something that people do that hurt you?"
A: "I get hurt when relationships in the family are broken."
Me: [Half composing myself; half choking at how profound he suddenly seemed] "Ok ... not quite what I am looking for, but that will do for now."
He met someone from Camp Life that he really liked, established a regular communication and thought for awhile that the feeling was mutual. They go to the same therapy center and the same school. The conditions were favorable for a young romance. However, the kid figured how gullible and smitten my son was and just "played" along. When my son found out that he was just being led on, he wrote the kid who just walked away from him.
A: "It hurt to see someone walking away. I understand now, Mom. I'm sorry I did that to you."
I looked at my son trying to grapple with his first heartbreak. I reached out and held his hand.
Me: "Brace yourself. It's going to hurt a bit more in the coming days."
***
I constantly worry about how gullible my son is and how he could be completely oblivious to how mean people already are to him. If I could have him with me all the time, so that I could help him maneuver through social interactions, I would. But I know, that I cannot be with him all the time and he needs to learn to deal with these on his own. Enrolling him in a school that recognizes individuality and respects each child's unique needs and strengths was my first step to widening the secure "fence". When I met with his team of teachers and occupational therapists, they seemed very professional and knew their stuff, taking down notes and aligning on techniques to help my son manage schoolwork. They listened to my every input and watch-outs without judgement or reproach. For once in years I felt hopeful that it could work.
The Parent-Child night, though, was what sealed the deal for me. On that night, I saw the dynamics between teachers and students; among the children in his class; and between the children and their parents/families. Mind you, his class is a good mix of neuro-typical and neuro-atypical children, relating with each other in a very normal / ordinary way. And they get each other like they had known each other for years. Bustling around them were the teachers who, I saw then, were not only professional but genuinely cared about them. It's heartwarming to see how proud they were of the kids. I got to know the parents/families, absolutely inclusive, seeing and accepting the children for who they are.
My heart smiled. We found the right community of big-hearted individuals that will help us through the "storms" of puberty, while paving the way for my son to grow and develop to his fullest potential. Just a month in and, although we've had some rough patches, we are already seeing great improvements in my son and the quality of our relationship.
I thank God for leading us here.
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