My Little Rainbow Prince

Anton is my Little Prince.  He came into my life in much the same way as the Little Prince landed on earth.

“Out of nowhere you came;

From a little dust and a little rain;

And when I looked down at your face:

It showed to me the Truth and Grace.”

The first word Anton spoke to me was “Mama”.  With that one word, he chose me and breathed meaning into my life. It was the moment I truly came alive.  Before him, I was just rolling along.

Because of him, Ina and I discovered fun things to do during weekends vs. just staying cooped up in our rooms with a good book. 

Because of him, I rekindled my patriotism and curiosity for our history.  His first hero was Lapu-Lapu. When he was 3 years old, he stood up on the bed in the middle of the night and posed like the Lapu-Lapu statue found in one of Makati’s busy intersections.  But his true hero was Andres Bonifacio.  So, you can just imagine how upset he was when they published a movie on Emilio Aguinaldo.

Because of him, I learned to be a bit more friendly. 

Anton came brimming with life and a thirst for interaction – something I shied away from.  He makes friends with servers of restaurants we frequent.  He knows them by name and they know him. I remember there was this one time we wanted to eat at Friday’s but there was a long queue.  He saw Ate Zarah and waved at her.  The next thing we knew we were seated. 

In my office, he would make the rounds across the different floors whenever I brought him to visit.  He became so famous, that one day I was interviewing with another manager I haven’t worked with yet.  He looked at me and said, “You’re Gem, Anton’s mom, right?”. My son was more famous than me in my own office!

Oh, and I also got called into my Associate Director’s office one time.  Apparently, my son talked to him about a very serious matter.  And that was how my Development Plan included an Action Plan to find a father. (Obviously, I failed that one).

 

 Because of him, I learned punctuality.  He is my cuckoo clock with snooze.  The night before he would ask me if I have a meeting or an appointment.  Whenever I do, he wakes me up and then comes back every 10 minutes to make sure I am up.  He gets really anxious when I am about to be late.

Because of him, I learned diversity and inclusion.  He was in the spectrum – both autism and gender identity. It was not easy. We had a lot of struggles, especially during homeschooling days.  And, when puberty and the crazy hormones hit, it felt like a restart button.  He craved for all forms of interaction and was doing everything to belong and be accepted by peers. I saw his struggle to understand his thoughts and feelings and how to articulate them.  During this phase, I am grateful he was brave and trusted us and special friends with them.

Anton struggled with social cognition.  And, yet, when it comes to people he loves, he was so attuned that he could anticipate our needs.  He takes one look at me and knows that something is troubling me.  He knows when Lola is upset or when Auntie Ina needs space or when Auntie Aika needs help with the kids (or her pretty bags).  He is the best Kuya in the world, especially his cousins; always attentive and giving in to what they want.

For Anton, everything was black or white.  There is no middle ground.  This means, when he believes you are good, he is blind to your faults.  When he believes you are “bad”, he tends to be blind to your merits. This made him prone to being taken-advantaged of, as well as, being a “bitch”.  He gets really upset when Ate Gina does not follow Lolo’s or Lola’s instructions; and he tells her so.  It took a lot of sermons and movie processing for him to understand human frailty and the concept/value of kindness, but he did get it in the end. During his final weeks, he became beshies (bestfriends) with the nanny and made a habit of saying “Good morning” to Ate Gina and asking how her day has been.

Anton was gender fluid or agnostic, which, for me, simply means he sees the soul and not the gender.  He used to say, “She’s so beautiful, Mom!” or “Mom, he’s handsome” about random people we meet.  It got to a point when I said “Lahat naman sa’yo maganda or guapo eh” (Everyone’s beautiful or handsome for you).  But it’s because he sees the soul.

Because of him, I learned thoughtfulness and the love language of service.  Every meal time, he would be the last person to start eating because he makes sure that Lolo and Lola have water and that everyone’s choice of “sawsawan” (dipping sauce) is on the table.  He would also be the last one to finish, because as soon as we are done eating, he would get up and ask “who wants coffee?”; and proceed to make coffee.

Whenever anyone of us came home, he would be at the door ready to help carry bags and what-not into the house.

Until the end, even when he was in terrible pain, he still thought about everyone else. He changed his sheets, because we were doing laundry the following day.  He refilled the water pitcher for toothbrushing.  He insisted to sleep beside me, one final time. And left “Easter egg” messages in his phone and IG.

To quote one:

“Find peace in it.  Find strength and solace in it, throughout the dark days of COVID19.  We are given the opportunity to stay together as a family, to pray and spend time together.”

I know COVID19 has been a source of suffering for most people, but it has been a blessing for me.  Because of it, I was able to spend my son’s final months with him, 24/7.  The entire family grew closer, worked and prayed together. During this time, we were able to have difficult conversations and understood more profoundly how deeply we all loved each other; although our love languages may be different.  Had COVID19 not happened, I would likely be travelling.

His bond with and devotion to his little cousin, G, was out-of-this world; and vice versa. On his final day, when all the grown-ups were blind to it, G knew; and she was there for him, giving him the comfort and strength he needed to endure his final test – because of which, I believe, he gained a speed pass to Heaven.  I swear, it is as if they actually shared this secret and prepared for it together.  Anton and I promised not to keep secrets from each other, but this one, he shielded me from.

Most people who know our story say how lucky Anton is to have me as his mom; that I am God’s blessing to him.  In truth, Anton is God’s greatest gift to me.  This child who never ceased to see life with wide-eyed wonder took me through the craziest most awesome ride of my life.  He pulled me out of my shell and expanded me well beyond my perceived limits. 

I thought I was the rose to Anton’s Little Prince.  But it turns out, I was just the fox that he tamed or the pilot who gets to tell his story.

So, on this day, as we lay him to rest, I surrender knowing …

“Nagmula sa’Yo ang lahat ng ito

Muli kong handog sa’Yo

Patunbayan Mo’t paghariang lahat

Ayon sa kalooban mo”

(All these came from You

I offer them back to You

Guide and reign over them

According to Your Will)

I love you, Pong, to heaven and back!