Stars In My Sky

Borrowed from the Internet

 Chasing Stars (v2)

darkness engulfs the vast sky

just moments after the sun's parade;

and it grows with every heartbeat

until the emptiness seems absolute;

the pain, wrenching,

from a beloved irrevocably lost;

then, with a blink, pinpricks of light ---

they appear in silent succession;

the constricting darkness gives way to

a boundless bejeweled sky;

and I --- I fall into its quiet embrace

of endless possibilities;

this is where I will remain,

embracing the darkness, chasing stars;

as I await the promise

of my inevitable new dawn.

When my son passed away, it felt a lot like a supernova event that quickly evolved into a black hole; and, for a time, I was just floating in that void.  It was like being under water, almost like drowning.  You hear distant muffled sounds, voices; you feel the burning in your lungs demanding for air; you flail your arms and legs and yet you can't break water.

I feel its tug under the current

I close my eyes in surrender

And then I hear a thousand whispers

Prayers echoing in the darkness

Until the lightness embraced me

And I emerged just above these high waters.

That is why I feel compelled to say "thank you" to all those pinpricks of light that broke through my absolute darkness.

• Satellites.  I have 3:  G, P and Jack.  They get me out of bed.  Without them, I probably would not have emerged from my room. In many ways, they seem to reflect back some of my son's light while he was with us. 
• Asteroid Belt (Yeah, maybe not exactly shining at night).  These are my family and close friends who formed an asteroid belt around me, so that I won't float away and get completely lost in space.  They are an endless fountain of strength for me even though I know they are grieving, too.
• Venuses.  These are my sisters in grief.  It brings me tremendous comfort having them with me, sharing the journey with people who know exactly how I feel.
• Shooting Stars.  These are the friends (mine and Anton's) who pass by every now and then, shooting by my dark sky and lighting it up -- even for just a moment.
• Distant Stars.  The constant friends, who, although they don't prod the topic, find ways to shine their love and light my way, especially through prayer bouquets. 

It has not been easy.  Often, grief is a lonely journey and sometimes it feels more comfortable than actually moving forward.  I am grateful that God had planned this so perfectly, providing me with just the right support to patiently and lovingly push (and pull) me forward.

Thank you!  You know who you are 😊

I wake up to dusk

Melancholy claims me

As daylight fades into darkness.

I curl up in its embrace

Not wanting to get up

Safe in the cocoon of my sadness.

Then I hear a distant bell ringing

Time for family Mass

Time to go back to the living.

Anton's and Mama's Bumblebee Playlist

Music had been an integral part of my relationship with my son. I had always enjoyed listening to music, but, when my son came along, I learned that it was also a useful tool for calming kids and an effective mode of communication.

As a toddler, my son was a jumping jelly bean and it was a challenge to dial down the energy enough to get him to sleep.  It got frustrating at times, but I found some techniques that worked like magic.

Option 1 

1. Hug him close to my heart 
2. Slow down my breathing  
3. Play "Always" by Plumb or Kenny G
4. Wait for the telltale jerk
5. Lay him down on the bed

Option 2

1. Ask him to lay down on his bed beside me
2. Read a book or have a quiet pillow talk while looking at glow-in-the-dark stars
3. Give him a baby massage (I used J&J's lavender bedtime oil) 
4. Wait for the telltale jerk
5. Quietly get out of his bed

Later on, he would get diagnosed with ADHD (and much later with Aspergers) and I would find out that my techniques (as with the academic and social teaching techniques I used) were most suitable for kids with ADHD or in the spectrum.  (The therapist even asked why I did not pursue Child Development.  I thought it was an odd comment, since it felt more like just a Mom understanding her child's needs).  She said, that I should continue leveraging on music as a means to help him cope.  Thus, it became integral to our daily life, bonding us (and sometimes dividing us:  Ed Sheeran vs. John Mayer for best guitarist) and bridging us.

I created playlists for him on my iPod (not everything I listened to is kid friendly). And, when he learned to bathe himself, he would even listen to it while taking a shower.  

When he was old enough, I installed Spotify on his assigned mobile device, and he started creating his own playlists. During drives, we would take turns listening to each other's playlists.  He shared music he discovered through his friends and I would school him on classics and music I grew up with.  

A few months after he passed, I discovered probably the last playlist he created, "Anton's BEST HITS 2020" and was happy to find some songs I shared with him, including Ne-Yo's "So Sick" and Aqua's "Turn Back Time".

So, it is no surprise that during the past months, whenever I am at my lowest, bawling my eyes out while grief journaling, the perfect song came on -- addressing my sentiments at the moment. It felt like my son was talking to me. At first, I thought, maybe I'm reading too much into it.  Maybe it's just coincidence ... but I don't believe in coincidences. 

Then, I saw this while I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. 

Just before we laid him on his final resting place, I remember telling him, "You need to guide me now.  Give me neon signs, okay?  You know how slow I get sometimes".  In true Anton form, he gave me, quite literally, a neon sign.

From then on, I took note of them and "processed" the songs in my journal.  But it was only in January that I got the idea to collect them into a playlist:  Anton's and Mama's Bumblebee Playlist (Hint:  Transformers).

It's a good sized playlist now and I will be sharing some of them in my "Bumblebee Playlist" series.  They helped me.  Maybe it would help you in some form, too.

I Am Sad Mad

     For Anton's first birthday in heaven, I took a week off from work.  I did not have anything specific planned out. Afterall, there really isn't much of a choice given the COVID restrictions.  On the evening of Day 2, I decided to watch Home.  I vaguely remember it being a silly movie that Anton and I enjoyed.  It was going really well until this scene.

    In the scene Oh was trying to figure out Tip's reaction; why she was mad at him for leaving her alone for a long time. He concludes that she is sad mad. Her anger is stemming from her sadness.  I recalled explaining to Anton when he was younger how, oftentimes, people get angry because they are hurt. And the people who can hurt us the most are people we love.  So, whenever I get mad, it is normally because someone I love did something to break my heart.  And because I love him the most, no one could hurt me more than him.  I realize, it might be too much to put on a little kid, but this started his habit of checking, "Is it a good day, Mom?  Do you have a happy heart?"

    The flood gates opened. I was full-scale MTV-video levels crying-while-hugging-pillow-in-bed.

    Even after the movie finished, I was still bawling. When I realized the tears won't stop anytime soon, I decided to pray; maybe to Jesus.  I don't even recall what exactly I prayed for.  All I can remember is that I kept telling Him, "I am in so much pain".  

    And in the darkness, as I cried, a visual came to my head of a big man holding me.  I thought it was Jesus, but it was not the usual image I see during contemplative prayers.  He was not holding me the same way and the syntax of what He said did not feel like Jesus.  He held me gently yet firmly and said, "Go on. Lay it all on Me. Blame Me."  

    As I broke down all the more, burying my face deeper into His embrace, He said, "Oh, child!  It is not your fault!" (It was God the Father holding me!)

    Then I thought back to earlier this evening. My heart broke for G when her friend did not show up for afternoon walk.  I knew she would inevitably bump into her friend again around the village, but I also knew how painful it was because she had expected him to be there. But he wasn't.  At that moment, I just hugged her because I knew nothing I said would really make her feel better.  She ran back inside the house sad-mad.

    I am sad-mad because I expected my son in my future. But he is no longer here. I am sad-mad because I did not get to save my son from his final sufferings.

    After I had calmed down, I listened to The Catholic Daily Reflections for May 21st.  It was just the balm I needed.  And I knew the reflection was exactly what God the Father wanted to tell me.

    It talked about how, in Jesus's conversation with Peter (where He asked if Peter loved Him 3x), He also knew how Peter would eventually die -- and how He approved of Peter's ultimate act of love for Him.  He is not happy that Peter is suffering, but He is happy that Peter is offering his suffering as an act of love for Jesus.  There is a greater good in it.  

    I should not focus on a small detail, but see The Big Picture.  During those final hours my son suffered gracefully, in absolute faith and hope in God.  He suffered lovingly and prayed earnestly, putting his trust in Jesus, Mary, Joseph ... and San Raphael, "Mom, I also prayed to San Raphael to heal my tummy."

    I broke down once more.  But, this time, it was out of comfort, relief and gratefulness ... and a little bit of #ProudMom moment.

    My thought echoed St. Elizabeth's, "Who am I that God the Father should come and comfort me?"

    "Why do you think I am here at this hour?  Because I knew you would come.  I came just for you [because I love you]." (From The Chosen, when Jesus came by the well to see the Samaritan woman).

Unpopular Beliefs: Pondering COVID, Hate and Religion

 Disclaimer:  These thoughts do not represent the stand of the religion I belong to.  These are my opinion.

    One early morning in April, so many thoughts crowded in my head, clamoring for light.  I had no choice but to type them into my phone in the dark just so I could sleep.  Here they are in no specific order, as random as they flowed from my head:

• This global COVID19 pandemic brought out the best and worst in humanity this past year.  Sadly, the good became better and the bad became worse.
• It highlighted the issues in society and in the environment we move in - i.e. the disparity between the poor and the rich; the impact of corrupt government vs. good governance.
• Discrimination in any form became heightened, including Asian Hate.
• And yet the enemy is not other people.  It's the virus.  But we have started turning against each other instead of turning TO each other for help and to give help.

• In the same way, there should not be a struggle among different religions.  Afterall, they all preach the same basic concepts/principles:  a God who is good and who saves, Love and Kindness, Forgiveness, Truth.
• All the main figures in major religions did not say, create a religion and be saved.  They all preached a way of life, a way of being.  They exemplified their teachings in their lives; more than creating rules.
• God's love and grace is not limited by religion.  He said so in the Bible "His Sun shines on both the good and the evil and sends rain on the just and unjust" (Matthew 5:45) and "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts" (Jeremiah 31:33).
• Religion provides different roads to the same destination.  Choose the road that works for you. At the end of the day, although we meet different people along the way, it is an individual journey.  We come into this world alone and leave it alone.
• The enemy is the evil one that sows hate, separation from God and the belief that there is no God.  That is what all religions need to work against.
• Praying to saints, our ancestors or dearly departed, asking for intercessions from people we know, prayer gatherings/meetings, praying over --- they are all asking from God ... with a little help from our friends.  The only difference is who are you asking help from:  people who have graduated or people who are still in the university (just different level) with you.
• Formula prayers, novenas are no different from saying "Amen" to an impromptu prayer uttered by someone.  The efficacy is not on the prayer itself but it's in the heart as you say the prayer or as you say "Amen".  Whenever I see or hear prayers that resonate with me in my specific journey, I copy them and make them my own.  I have even requested for copies of personal prayers uttered by prayer leaders.  When you can't find the words, it is very handy to have prayers available that articulate exactly what's in your heart.  
• They say singing is praying twice.  Well, aren't they essentially formula prayers as well?
• If none of those work.  Where words and song fail us, being just silent with God also works.  Afterall, He knows what is in our hearts before we even speak it.

Why are these random thoughts plaguing me?  Because I feel religion wars and hate & discrimination are unnecessary distractions from the real issues we need to combat together.  These petty things have only succeeded in dividing us, which is counterproductive.  We are stronger united.  There is strength in number.  Time to put away our differences and work towards restoring humanity and Mother Earth.  Listen to what COVID19 is teaching us.

We need to Lead with Love (Thank you P&G for providing the perfect tagline.  I hope it catches on more deeply), ask ourselves "What is the loving thing to do?" and act on it.

Borrowed from the internet

Poetic Doses: M7 Till His Birthday

From this day forward

And always

Even days of drunken laughter

Shall be spiked

With salt-infused water.

And there is ever only you

The star that is my Sun

Amidst this terrible darkness

Your light throbs to spark Life

The stardust you sprinkled

Faith, Hope and Love

Softly settling in hearts you touched.

Painting by Tat 

I wake up to dusk

Melancholy claims me

As daylight fades into darkness.

I curl up in its embrace

Not wanting to get up

Safe in the cocoon of my sadness.

Then I hear a distant bell ringing

Time for family Mass

Time to go back to the living.

Painting by Ina Nolasco

There are moments of unraveling

Of breakdown

And moments of epiphany.

Then there are moments of anchoring

Of breathing

And a single moment of coming Home.

For the briefest moment I was alive;

And for that I am grateful.

A Mother's Grief

 

Grief is such a lonely journey.

 It's like those nights when I cannot sleep. Just when I thought I had fallen asleep, my consciousness comes alive; and I realize that I hadn't been sleeping -- just floating in a blackhole of mindless wakefulness.

That's how some days feel ... as if I am finally moving forward, finally getting acquainted and used to the weight of grief constantly pressing against my heart.

 Then I get jolted into consciousness and realize I'm still here, where he left me.  And I can't breathe from the onslaught of salt infused rain pouring from this limitless storm cloud inside me.

There is no rhyme nor reason, no logical triggers; no negative self-talk.  It just is.  And it screams.  No.  It wails to be heard, although it has no words.

There is no pain, like a mother's grief.

Art by:  Ina Nolasco

What "Fox And The Whale" Means To Me

For the past months sleep has been coming much later than usual.  I do not know if it is a sort of coping mechanism, but there are days I find myself wide awake till 5 am.  

Bedtime had always been a sacred time for me and Anton.  When he was smaller, it was time for bedtime stories.  When he got a little bit older, it was time for Anton's stories.  The past few years, when I would come home really late from work or from business trips, bedtime meant a quick squeeze hug or kiss and his usual, "How was your day, Mom?", always said with his signature sleepy smile. There was comfort and security in coming home to him, even on nights he was fast asleep as I stumbled into our room.

Since he passed, bedtimes have been the most difficult time of the day, when I lay down my defenses and floodgates release the currents kept at bay the entire day.  Sometimes I would do my evening yoga.  Sometimes I watched something on Netflix or YouTube.

Early yesterday morning I chanced upon  "Fox and the Whale" on YouTube.  From the very beginning, the short film struck me as hauntingly poignant.  The texture and contrast of the imagery and animation was perfectly complemented by raw nature sounds and emotional music. Watching it, I finally realized what lies at the core of my pain. 

Each day I go through the motions of the living, diligently (sometimes deliriously; sometimes thoughtlessly) fulfilling my tasks and responsibilities.  Yet, just like the fox who sees the whale's tail everywhere he goes, I see Anton in everything --- a piece of paper, a random song or phrase, his favorite (or dreaded) food. As the fox finds himself coming back to the shore everyday, I find myself constantly aching, yearning and searching for that anchoring feeling of HOME.  And I don't know if I will ever find it again.

I am unmoored.

Chancing upon a whale tooth, the fox uses it to find the whale. But what he finds is the remains of a whale long gone. The fox is faced with the reality of letting go. He takes one final glance and heads back out, the sea calm and the sky clear.

Every night I have to wrestle between acknowledging the yearning and guiding myself towards acceptance that I will no longer have those pillow talks or the squeeze hugs and that beautiful beautiful smile.  Unlike the fox, though, whose search closes as he leaves the whale's graveyard, my days are much like this short film --- in loop.

Anton was my home, and, though I try to find meaning in the remaining days God has gifted me with, these days sometimes feel more like purgatory.

I know, someday, when my heart is ready and no longer heavy, I will go out towards the clear blue sea and sky. I will find strength knowing I carry him with me wherever I go.  But, until then, I am a fox haunted by a whale's magnificent tail (or a Little Prince's quirky laughter).

   

When Star Wars And Mama Mary Collide

Taken from the internet

On the day we buried my son, I found a brief moment with him before they took him to the car that transported him to his final resting place. I whispered to him, "You have to guide me now ... because I don't know what to do without you.  Give me neon signs, okay?  You know how slow and dense I can be sometimes."

So, when Star Wars and Mama Mary collide, it can only be my son's creative genius; making sure I don't miss the 4th puzzle piece.

Yesterday my 1-year old nephew decided he wanted to open Mary's Blue Book (which we read after praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy and the Holy Rosary), so my brother (his father) assisted him.  It opened to an entry entitled, "Vigilant Sentinels".  

I laughingly thought to myself, "Wow! Mama Mary likes Star Wars, too".  The first time I heard of the term, "sentinels", was during a Star Wars conversation with Anton.  He decided he was a Jedi Guardian and was debating with himself if I was a Consular or a Sentinel.  

For better context, below is Wookieepedia's definition of Jedi Sentinel:

"A Jedi Sentinel was the name given to one of the three distinct schools of thought of the Jedi that sought a balance between the two other branches, the Consulars and the Guardian. While they possessed considerable combat skills and had somewhat extensive knowledge of the Force, Sentinels blended both schools of teaching and amplified them with a series of non-Force skills, such as in the fields of security, computers, stealth techniques, demolitions, repair, or medicine."

Two paragraphs from the entry struck me:

1. "Entrust to the angels of light of my Heart all that has to do with this new itinerary of yours.  They will carry you on their wings and will keep watch lest you strike your foot against any obstacle." I resented the archangel, St. Raphael.  On the eve of his passing, Anton specifically told me, "Mom, I prayed to St. Raphael to heal me." When he died, I thought, "Where are you now, Raphael?"  Now Mama Mary was telling me to trust the angels with my "new itinerary".  That can only by St. Raphael for me; afterall, he is the patron of good travels and has been my constant active prayer partner for years.
2. "Oh, in your days, how beautiful are the feet of those who announce peace, of those who spread the good news of salvation and of the triumph of divine mercy!  You must be these announcers of peace.  You must be today vigilant sentinels upon the mountains of confidence and hope."  I immediately thought about my conversation with my son and how his final assessment was that I should be a sentinel, since I would typically go for harmony but able to fight when the situation calls for it.  I agreed, thinking I also recognize the value of non-Force skills, meaning --- I am practical and utilize available resources, like technology.

These tie in with today's readings which talked about finding God in small things and conquering fear.

1st Reading: 1 Kings 19:11-13

"Then the Lord said to him, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will be passing by.” A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord—but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake—but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire—but the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave."

These days I had been anxious for God to reveal his grand plan for me, expecting it to come in some kind of epiphany moment.  But, so far, He had been giving me bits and pieces, and I have had to "strain" to hear it.  Not to mention, be patient for the rest of the pieces!

From the Gospel:  Matthew 14:22-33

After he had fed the people, Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone.  Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them, walking on the sea.  When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. “It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear.  At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”

When the crowd had dispersed, Jesus sought solitude by going up a mountain to allow Himself to grieve and to pray for guidance and courage.  Even Jesus had to pause and recalibrate His direction.  Losing my son felt like God just threw my plans to the wind.  I've never felt so lost and "not in control".  More than a month after, I feel as if my life's GPS lost signal and it's taking too long to recalibrate.  A part of me thinks that once I know what the plan is, then, somehow, this terrible aching will subside. 

But losing someone you love feels like sitting in a boat rocked by storms. It is difficult to find God and hear His voice amidst the pounding of your heart and the silent screams.  I have not not fully paused nor truly opened myself up to His guidance.  But today, I realized that the ghost I feared is actually Him reaching out to me and asking me to walk with Him and Mama Mary as a vigilant sentinel.

No, I haven't quite figured out the entire plan yet.  But I've got 4 pieces of the puzzle and it's slowly taking shape.

1. In my blog Mary's Tapestry Of Love, she said that something good will come from this.
2. In Wisdom For A Grieving Heart, I was reminded by FB Memories (no less!), that there is a plan and that I won't miss it.  (When I read it, I whispered to my son, "Make sure I don't miss it!".  Afterall, Fr. Junjun said, Anton is now a strong Advocate for everyone he loves.  His friends think he probably asked God to send us an army of angels each to keep us all straight. I wouldn't put it past him ... Haha!).  Then I learned about the best tool from Bishop Ambo's homily the previous week:  Wisdom of the Heart - to help me discern God's plans for me; sort through the good and the bad; sort through the old and the new.
3. In The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous, I realized how generous God has been to me and I am called to live my life the same way, generously.

The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous

The 3rd Puzzle Piece

Last Saturday I was telling my sister, "I know all will be revealed in due time, but it would help if He gave me a tiny clue, at least; give me something to hold on to."  The clue came quickly through a part of last Sunday's Gospel:

"When Jesus heard of John the Baptist, He withdrew in a boat to a deserted place by himself.  The crowds heard of this and followed him on foot from their towns.  When He disembarked and saw the vast crowd, His heart was moved with pity for them, and He cured their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14)

I perked up when I heard the first line. Of course, Jesus wanted to grieve his cousin's death!  The way Bishop Ambo highlighted this and Jesus' response in his homily resonated with me.

"Remember that this began with the beheading of John the Baptist. Jesus heard that John the Baptist had been martyred.  He was beheaded.  And He wanted to grieve, but there was no time to grieve because so many people needed His attention. So instead of withdrawing into solitude, He served them generously." 

"... He [Jesus] would offer Himself as the broken Bread of Life; as a Body broken for broken people. Brothers and Sisters, we cannot call ourselves Christians if we do not allow Jesus to mentor us in the secret of multiplication." (Bishop Ambo)

I remembered a line I read in Cheri Roberto's book, "From Mourning to Morning": "Wow, God really doesn't waste your pain," Anna, when she heard that Cheri was called to establish the Grief Support group for The Feast, Alabang; when she became a broken healer.  God took what little she could offer, a bottle of tears (this is the title of a song my son had started to write which was sort of mentioned in the same book as a quote of Psalm 56:8), prayed over it and multiplied it as healing balm for other grieving hearts.

"Faith begins with the discovery of how generous our God is to us; and how He also teaches us to live our lives generously" (Bishop Ambo)

For days after my son died, I felt hurt and betrayed by God and Mama Mary.  Then I found a strip of paper with my son's notes.  In it he detailed how wonderful I was, enumerating my best qualities; and one line which said "I am God's greatest gift to her", something I used to tell him often, along with "You top my 'thank you' list."  I realized how generous God had been for giving me Anton in the first place.  

"... The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

Now, He is asking the same from me by living the rest of my life generously ... in honor of my son.  Afterall ...

"God sends His grace through the cracks of your broken heart." (Arun Gogna)

"You may no longer be able to hold the one who has gone, but you hold them in your heart and you continue to love them in a different way --- by channeling that love into acts of service for other people." (Mitch Albom)

Prayer for Generosity

(By St. Ignatius De Loyola whose feast coincided with Anton's 40th Day)

Dearest Lord, 

Teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as I should;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

The Other Half Of It

Today, I had a Zoom meeting with some of Anton's closest friends from CLP to talk about our latest favorite movie, "The Half Of It".  (We had fun, but that's a different story). So, last night, I decided to watch it again, to refresh my memory on the specific scenes that Anton and I talked about.

Of course, I cried ... because I remembered the warm fuzzy feeling of sharing such a special time with my son, just the two of us in my room, talking till the wee hours of the morning.  I remember being in awe at how grown-up he suddenly was, wondering how the tiny snip of a man who stole my heart had grown into this beautiful human.

And I cried ... because I now understand why my favorite relationship was that of Paul's and Ellie's.  I realized the dynamics of their friendship was similar to the one I have with my son.  

Paul was this simple pure soul who saw the world as it is and humans as they are, without judgement.  He is governed by his heart and gives his 200% in everything he does, especially in loving.  And he gets so focused on the object of his affection that he tends to be oblivious to everything else.  He decides on something and goes for it without much thought or consideration ... as long as it feels right.  He is not very articulate, but he is attentive.

That is my Anton.

Ellie, on the other hand, is so focused on being grown-up.  Responsibilities is king.  She thrives on routine which gives her a feeling of being in control of her situation.  She is strong and independent, taking care of her father and covering for his responsibilities.  Her life revolved around the care of her father, making decisions based on what is most practical for both of them.

That is me, except my life revolved around Anton.

When Paul decided he wanted to pursue Aster, Ellie thought it was a long shot. She coached and mentored him, giving him pointers on what to talk about with Aster, complete with tips and tricks on Italian and French names.  She even jumped in to save him by texting Aster when she felt he was about to crash and burn.

As my son was in the spectrum, he struggled with social cues and cognition.  There were times he would not understand the context of the discussion, missing the point or missing the joke entirely.  Thus, he is unable to follow and would try to save face by mimicking everyone's reaction or just grinning or laughing.  

When he reached puberty, I knew I had to stop homeschooling him and enroll him into a school that meets his needs. Not just because the subjects are beyond my brain power, but, more importantly, because his personality craves for interaction.  And I recognize how critical it is to build meaningful relationships with peers at this stage in his life.

So, after searching high and low, we finally found the right school:  Creative Learning Paths.  It is a Peace school with a low teacher-student ratio, integrates neurotypical and neuroatypical kids, and partners with our therapy center (CANDENT).

The first few months, I talked to him daily about his interactions with friends.  I explained to him the context and gave him insights on the conversations he had.  And the minute that I spot someone taking advantage of my son's eagerness to make friends, I get on a phone call with his homeroom teacher and in-house therapist.

Then he started making more friends, and he didn't tell me about all of his conversations anymore.  He was getting adjusted and was having fun.  Sometimes too much fun, that I got "love" letters from his homeroom teachers.  But that's normal.  And, when I met his friends in some of the school events, I thought the kid's fine. 

Just as Paul did fine, when he decided to take the leap and make his move --- without Ellie's blessings.

The trouble was, Anton wanted to fit in so much that he started acting like everyone else, suddenly "liking" things that he used to roll his eyes over.  He did not have his own opinion.  He followed what everybody else thought was cool ... or right.

"I'm like a lot of people, which kind of makes me no one." (Aster)

I talked to him about it, challenging the new hype he gets into. "Do you really like this or that?  Why?  What do you like about it? What do you REALLY like?"  

I remember him talking about the "freedom to be who I am".  "But who are YOU?", I countered, "You need to figure that out first before you can be 'who you are'."  I told him how everyone is in a journey of self-discovery.  No one has everything figured out, especially not at his age.  But he needs to decide for himself what he believes in and stands for.  He should not allow others to pressure him.  There is no shame in being different as long as you are being authentic. 

And, I believe, that is exactly what he strived to be:  authentic ... and loving, in his own fashion.

"The good thing about being different is no one expects you to be like them." (Ellie)

By the end of the movie, Paul's simplistic view of life and love expands.

"I always thought there was the one right way to love.  But there are so many more ways than I knew.  I never want to be the guy who stops loving someone for the way that they love." (Paul)

While Ellie learns that it is okay to take risks, to allow herself to love (and be loved) and to go for her dreams --- even if it gets messy and uncontrollable sometimes; even if it is unsafe or impractical for the people she loves.

"Love isn't patient and kind and humble.  Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold.  It's not finding your perfect half - it's the trying and reaching and failing."

"Love is being willing to ruin your good painting for the chance at a great one."  (Ellie)

I made it my life goal to rear Anton into a good and positive member of society, a dancer of life and a mover of mountains.  In the process of guiding, teaching and coaching (also, ordering around) Anton how to maneuver through life, I learned that loving is about trusting, taking risks ... and letting go.

That is why Paul's and Ellie's friendship was my favorite in the movie --- because, although they couldn't be more different, they found their person in each other.  They took the time to know, understand and accept each other, finding and nurturing that special connection.  They both matured exponentially as they found the courage to take risks and support each other.  Their relationship was built on and grew with their faith on each other ... and love, in its purest form.

This sums up my life (and afterlife) with Anton.

Anton lounging on my bed after we discussed the movie,
pretending he doesn't know I'm taking a photo. Hahaha!

Wisdom For a Grieving Heart

#EasterEggsFromAnton

Yesterday was the 40th day of Anton's passing.  I organized a Zoom Mass and Kuwentuhang [Storytelling] Anton session with a small group of close family and friends.  I tried to bring in everyone who, I know, was important to Anton at different points in his life (I realized today that I still managed to miss a good number of people - Sorry!).  It was a good move.  We had fun reminiscing about Anton's crazy antics growing up.

We had a bout of awful weather yesterday, as if the heavens took it upon itself to express the state of my heart and spirit.  (They say the 40th is when the soul goes home to the Father and I feared I would feel him less thereafter).  Had I not organized the event, I probably would have spiraled into a really depressive state of mind. 

This morning, I woke up to the following Facebook memories ...

1 Aug 2014

God's message for me today:

I have my plans.  He has his.  Just because things are not going as I planned, doesn't mean it's not going to be great.

My standard of perfect is not His standard of perfect.  Just because it's not my kind of perfect, doesn't mean it's not the right kind.

1 Aug 2015

"There is a plan.  You won't miss it."

(From the prayer app shared by my friend, Elmer)

... and, I realized, these couldn't be more relevant today.  I feel lost.  It was as if God took one look at my plans, said "This won't do",  and scrapped everything.  My plans revolved around what is best for Anton; whatever it takes to help him achieve God's plans for him.  I just didn't think he would achieve it so soon.  

I totally missed the plan.

This made me think of last Sunday's readings, which revolved revolved around wisdom and God's plan.

Snippet from 1st Reading (1 Kings 3:5, 7-12)

"Give your servant, therefore, an understanding heart to judge your people and to distinguish right from wrong.  For who is able to govern this vast people of yours?"

2nd Reading:  Romans 8:28-30

Brothers and sisters:  We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

Snippet from the Gospel (Matthew 13:44-52)

"Do you understand all these things?"  They answered, "Yes."  And he replied, "Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old."

When I heard the 2nd reading, I thought, there's something in here for me.  And Bishop Ambo's homily did not disappoint.  While he did not answer my questions, he provided me with the tool:  Wisdom of the Heart.  He talked about its 3 aspects.

1. It helps identify hidden treasures.  He said:  "The things of value in this world are not obvious.  They are normally hidden, waiting to be discovered.  They are not yours until you  have learned to give up everything to acquire them."  Anton was a hidden treasure.  As a teenager, his big personality, always excitable and with a dramatic flair, was a little bit much for some people. One of his friends said, "He is not everyone's cup of tea."  But, once you give him a chance and let him into your life, you will have someone who will love you blindly and irrevocably.  He spoiled everyone he loves with his love language of service.  So, when I lost him (my everything), I struggled to understand God's wisdom in it.  I still have not found the hidden treasure, but I am hopeful to find it someday.
2. It helps sort between the good and the bad.  Bishop Ambo said, "St. Luke says twice in the infancy narrative, that Mary kept these things in her heart.  I think Luke is describing to us the wisdom of the heart that enabled Mary to sort things out.  She definitely did not keep everything -- because not everything is worth remembering.  Sometimes it is best to forget certain things.  The problem is when we forget what we need to remember; and we remember what we need to forget.  We can end up cluttering our souls, our hearts with toxic memories of anger and resentments and negative memories [regrets]."  When Anton died, I was plagued by all of those times Monster Mom was unleashed, those times I was tough on him or the times I spent working long hours or travelling for weeks.  I found it hard to sleep.  Everytime I closed my eyes I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and the images of those moments would flash in rapid succession.  And then, one night, I heard his voice in my head chiding me with, "Mom!"  (It's a word he can say in 10 million different ways and it would mean something different).  I knew it meant "Stop it".  The following day I started getting #EasterEggsFromAnton.  One of them was a loose page with a narrative of how he saw me.  I will not share it, but it was the reassurance I needed.  The Saturday after that, I decided to back-up all his childhood photos on the cloud.  It was something I'd been meaning to do but never got around to.  My mom sat with me for awhile and she said, "He had a full, happy and beautiful life."  Before me was all the good that I had to remember.
3. It helps us sort the new and the old.  "Hindi lahat ng bago ay dapat tanggapin at hindi lahat ng luma ay wala nang halaga." ("Not everything that's new is worth welcoming and accepting; just as not everything that is old should be thrown away").  These past days I am holding on to all the old that is worth keeping and finding value in the difficult new normal I have to live through for the rest of my life.  Already his passing has resulted to positive change in the lives of family and friends.  While it is nothing compared to holding and hugging him, I find comfort in little moments when he would manifest in one form or another.  

During one of the most difficult nights of the past 40 days, a friend of mine reminded me about something I had written in my blog,  When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

He's not gone; just different.  Wherever he is, I know he continues to love me and everyone he loved by being our strong Advocate before God (and finding ways to give us #EasterEggsFromAnton - like the photo above, which he took and saved on his Google Photos).  And I know, he knows I continue to love him and will honor him by marching on, "keep on swimming" (Finding Nemo), "keep moving forward" (Meet The Robinsons).

Are things getting better?  Easier?  No.  There are good days and bad days; sometimes they're worse. But I am hopeful it will get better someday; that I will see how this fits into Mary's Tapestry Of Love for me. 

I chanced upon below photo from Emily King's IG.  It was the image of hope: that, after I immerse myself in this grief, I will emerge to a Someday much like this -- within and without.

Though you are a million miles away

I feel your love shining down on me

So let me stay here, basking in your warmth

Until my heart is as placid as these waters

And, then, steady on my feet,

I will walk where your light leads.

From Emily King's IG Post

Mary's Tapestry of Love

"God ordains everything, including painful and difficult moments, for the good of those who love Him."

This was the introduction to today's 2nd Reading. 

Excerpt from 2nd Reading - Romans 8:28-30

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

This reminded me of something I noted on my phone.  It was a line from Mama Mary's Blue Book that my family reads during prayer time: 

"Your whole life has been a tapestry of my love."  

Anton asked me why I decided to make a note of it on my phone.  I said, because it is a truth of my life.  Every bad thing that has come my way has turned into some form of blessing.  And then I lost him 2 weeks later.

On the night we laid him to rest, I was writing down another note on my phone when I saw it.  I broke down in painful inconsolable sobs.  "How is losing my son part of this tapestry of love?" I asked.  And the floodgates of resentments came pouring out.  "Why my beautiful boy?"  "What have I done to deserve this?"  "Am I an unworthy mother?" "He prayed to you everyday until his very last night!" "You answered his pettiest prayers, but you turned your back on him when it mattered most" "How is this a blessing?" "Is this what it means to be under your tutelage?"

Her response was:

1. It is God's Will.
2. Yes.  Something good will come from this.
3. I have walked this way.  And I am walking with you now.

I calmed down some.  She lost her son, too.  He was betrayed, tortured and crucified for our salvation -- and she bore the pain of witnessing it all. Then I argued, "You at least knew what you were getting into and signed up for it.  You said, YES."  That is not technically true, though.  She knew He was the Savior.  She knew her heart was going to be pierced by a sword.  But she did not know He would die or the magnitude of the pain she would have to live through.

I then argued back, "You only had Black Saturday to live through and then it was Easter Sunday."  Yes, Jesus showed Himself in tangible form for a few days, but He went back to the Father. And Mama Mary remained to guide and support the new Church. 

As my friend, Monica (Tita Adele), told me, "Game over.  Mission Accomplished na si Anton".  During his final months, while we were locked up, the family witnessed his transformation through prayer, constant questions on the Catholic Faith and the daily effort to follow Christ's teachings.  I realized, in the same way that Jesus' mission was accomplished after His resurrection, Anton had accomplished his mission here on Earth.   And in the same way that Mama Mary carried on to fulfill her motherhood role to the new Church, so I must carry on and move forward towards God's plans for me (although I don't really know what yet).  

The road ahead is definitely not easy.  The scope and depth of my loss is still expanding with a steadily growing list of "firsts without Anton" that pierce my heart each day.  But I take comfort that Mama Mary has walked this way and is holding my hand through this difficult road; holding fast to her tapestry of love; trusting fully in His promise that all things work for good.  Plus, I have the most amazing support system in my family and friends whose tapestry of love and prayers I feel strongly despite the constraints of COVID19.

P.S.

Be careful what you pray for.  This was my daily prayer for Anton as part of our Intentions list:

May Anton grow in godly wisdom and love, harnessing his gifts that he may serve as a true Jedi Knight of Christ; may he find the love that God has planned for him and me he love truly, faithfully, honestly -- God first, family second and humanity as a whole.  May he be selfless; pure of heart, mind and soul.

In true Jedi form, he is now one with The Force.

When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Image from Internet

This post is a month delayed, but I hope the delay helped to distill vs. lose the meaning and original intent. In a sense, it is also perfectly timed.  Afterall, it is my son's 15th birthday today and he is the half who filled my life to brimming.

For those who do not know, my son is in the spectrum (in several, actually) and the best medium to explain the intricacies of social interactions to him is visual stories -- movies, especially. 

Alice Wu's "The Half Of It" could not have come at a more opportune time.  It deals with very relevant and sensitive teenage themes of love, family and sexuality; told in an artistically simple way that is both very accessible and relatable.  I remember being grateful for Alice's storytelling style as I watched my son, intently following the story of the 3 lead characters ... and getting it.  It's a rich resource that I would likely go back to frequently (I know I have already started referencing it in our talks the past couple of weeks) as I help my son maneuver through teenage life.

We had a good hour of a fully engaged debriefing and processing, that closed with both of us writing on our journals.  I don't know what finally ended up in my son's journal, but these are the things we talked about:

There are many forms of love and, although they are not all romantic, they are all beautiful.

At the beginning of the movie, the narrative specifically says, "In case you haven't guessed, this is not a love story.  Or not one where anyone gets what they want." But, I believe, it is.  The movie lays out the different kinds of love without pitting them against each other.  There is not one form of love that eclipses the others ... because, really, all forms are essential to our existence.

1. The love between parents and children. I appreciate how Alice weaved different family dynamics into the story:  crazy big family, single-parent single child, conservative, liberal.  And, not one of them was painted as "bad".  They are all valid and normal, just different from each other.  Parents and children have very unique dynamics, depending on their situations. But their ways of expressing love, although different, are all valid and true.  Whatever their actions and reactions, at the heart of it is love.  
2. The love between friends. The friendship between Ellie and Paul seemed unlikely.  Afterall, they are from very different sectors of the teenage spectrum.  She is the cerebral no nonsense straight A student.  He is a football jock who, although not academically inclined, is emotionally in-touch and a passionate cook.  Their friendship grew out of a deeper understanding of and respect for each other, despite their differences.
3. The blossoming love between lovers.  There is nothing more thrilling than connecting with someone who gets you and, yet, allows you to be and explore who you are.  You don't have to be absolutely the same in everything, but you have that magical space where you overlap and click. (Stress on the value of taking the time to get to know each other without pressures or expectations).
4. The love of self.  The movie developed with each lead character gaining a better understanding or discovering who they really are, acknowledging that and embracing it.

My favorite is the love between Ellie and Paul. It's also the form that, although it can last for years, tends to be underrated and misunderstood.

There are many ways of loving.

Paul:  "I always thought there was one way to love.  One right way.  But there are more ... so many more than I knew.  And I never want to be the guy who stops loving someone for loving the way that they want to love."

I grew up Catholic.  I always thought "catholic" was just a term to distinguish the kind of Christians we are.  In college, I learned in Theology class that "catholic" actually means "universal".  I thought, that made sense ... because that is exactly the kind of love that Jesus preached:  no judgement, no boundaries, loving the person in all his/her frail imperfect beauty.

There is value and reason to our individuality.

Ellie:  "The good thing about being different is no one expects you to be like them.  People don't see what they are not looking for."

Aster:  "So I'm like a lot of people, which makes me kind of no one."

A lot of teenagers, especially in this age of social media, struggle with the "need" for constant affirmation, equating their worth to the "likes" on their posts.  As a result, they do [post] things that they think people will approve of; or whatever is trending.  And their authentic selves get lost amidst the pomp and  [virtual] applause.

The movie showed the beauty of each character's individuality, highlighting each of their strengths and how they are complementary.  There was not one better than the other.  They all helped each other discover and appreciate their gifts; and to recognize and deal with their weaknesses.  

Through the years, I noticed how God sends me things/people/situations exactly when I need them.  "The Half Of It" is definitely one of those things.  It was a conversation starter for a conversation my son and I needed to have. ("... because when the time comes, the Holy Spirit will teach you what you should say." - Luke !2:12).

Lastly, it was refreshing to find a story/movie that gave you that same giddy happy ending feeling even when it closed with letting go.  Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into 
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

When Unrelated Events Converge

Image from the Internet

This whole community quarantine really makes you think.  My slow mind finally connected the dots of seemingly unrelated events.  And, once again, my OCD God has shown me His attention to detail and his loving protection over my family.

On my last business trip to the US, COVID-19 was still just a new form of corona virus.  I, honestly, was just very mildly concerned about traveling.  But, while on staycation the day before my departure, one of my best friends handed me her roll of "Thieves" oil (for the non-oilbolaryo like me, it's a mixture used by thieves to prevent themselves from catching the virus while ransacking houses of families who died during one of the epidemics).  I used it and kept it handy along with the mask.

I had two different sets of workshops/meetings this round, so I got to spend a quality weekend and a half with my family in Dayton; had two massage sessions with my spirit healing masseuse; dinner and dessert with a childhood friend; hung out with a new friend; and shopped ... for tons of gummy vitamins, which I don't usually buy. This time around, I bought a huge bottle each for men, women, women over 50 and a bottle of chewable for my niece who hates gummies.  I stood over my luggage stuffed with all these vitamins and thought, "Gem, you overshopped ... AGAIN".

On my flight back, I packed the masks my aunt managed to buy in my check-in luggage. I debated whether I would get one for myself as I flew back.  I wanted to save it since stocks were running out in Manila.  While I was preparing my emergency medicines, I found three (THREE!) masks in my P&G medicine kit.  I had enough to carry me through my multi-leg flight home.

During my final weekend, my Uncle kept asking me when I would bring my parents and my son to the US.  So, my Aunt and I started discussing plans to take them with me on my next scheduled trip in March-end (supposedly).  When I got home, I started applying for my parents' and my son's US visas.  I kept getting issues with their accounts, that the earliest interview schedule I got was for March 23 - just days before I was supposed to fly out.  I debated on whether I should book their flights already, but I struggled with some decision points in terms of coordinating their flights with mine. So, I decided not to book yet.

Meantime, my parents started noticing how their schedules seem to get reorganized so that they're calendars are suddenly becoming free from March-end onwards.  Their out-of-town engagements were getting moved or cancelled.  We thought, it must be God's will for us to fly out and take a couple of weeks off in the US.  But the interview schedule was not adding up.

On a different note, I had been having issues with the requirements and fees imposed by the BOD (board of directors) of my homeowners association.  This issue had dragged on for months, since October 2019 and just escalated prior to my US trip.  Suffice it to say, I have not started building my house yet.  At this point, frustrated is an understatement. 
I talked to my mom about it, "What am I missing?  What is He trying to tell me?"
"As you said, 'We are called to Active Silence and Active Faith'.  Let's wait"
Before I flew out, my aunt told me, "Listen to the signs."

Then, COVID19 was named and things changed overnight.  My business trip got cancelled as the virus started jumping to other countries and the threat became very real for the Philippines as well.

As it turns out, my compulsive vitamins shopping was inspired.  We are all religiously taking our vitamins daily. 

Looking back, those little protective measures during my multi-leg flights to and from the US must have helped somehow --- if only to give me peace of mind while I watched out for symptoms during the 14-day period.

If my parents' out-of-town engagements pushed through, they would have been exposed to more people, risking exposure to the virus and they would have been locked out of Manila.  We would have all been very anxious being apart during the community quarantine. 

All the frustrating issues with filling up applications and setting up interview schedules at the consul, resulting to a much later schedule than I wanted, ensured I didn't book any flights.  It would have been very frustrating cancelling and getting charged fees.

Had I started building in October or November, the building of my house would be stalled now and might not be in a good phase to stop.  It would also mean we would have hired more people that we would now need to pay without working.  It would bleed my limited funds and compromise my mom's.

I see it now, how all of these unrelated events were simply God watching out for me and my family; how the frustrating "bad" things were actually blessings in disguise  (but I should know that by now).

If He perfectly engineered all these for me and my little family, how can we not trust that, despite all the "bad" things that have happened because of COVID19, there are even bigger blessings in disguise coming out of it?

How many blessings have you spotted so far?

Finding The Silver Crowning (Of COVID19)

Image from the Internet

It has been a week and a half since I started working from home; 4 days since I last stepped out of our village; 3 days since the community quarantine was put in place.  

Execution is definitely not flawless and guidelines have been changing on a daily (or even less than daily) basis.  And I get it.  This is not exactly the kind of situation they teach in school, plus we live in a 3rd world country with limited resources (and corrupt officials ... but I digress).  The government and everyone in the country are learning as we go. 

Now, more than ever, the country needs to pull together to carry us through these difficult times.  And I am very happy to see the Bayanihan spirit shining through.  Various individuals, groups and organizations are finding ways to help the frontliners and those most impacted by the economy slowing down. This gives me tremendous hope.

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5; from Sunday's 2nd Reading)

Times like these the natural tendency is to feel anxious, helpless, exasperated or even desperate.  But remaining in this state of mind does not really do anyone good, so let's recognize and acknowledge the feelings and then move on --- lest we lash out on other people and do things we will regret later on; or that aggravate the situation.  Instead, we should cling to the hope God has given us and trust that the "love God has poured into our hearts" will show us the way.

***

All "bad" things are blessings in disguise.  I am a staunch believer of this.  It's proven and tested.  Yes, there were "bad" things that really hurt, but they always ALWAYS redirected me to somewhere I was meant to be. And it's always better.

Reflecting on COVID-19 taking the world by storm, the following are, I think, its silver crowning 😉

• Pause. After the initial flurry of panic buying and setting up work from home, we are actually forced to pause and take a break.  All of a sudden, we have TIME.
• Families reconnecting. The community quarantine forced people to stay at home, allowing for more quality interaction among family members beyond the usual rushed hi-hello-bye.
• Bayanihan spirit (Lending a helping hand).  Yes, a lot of people started panic buying.  But zoom in on those people who, amidst all that, noticed a need and filled it.  Australia started the "elderly hour" which gave the elderly an hour's leadtime to shop before the rush. Movements sprouted to help provide for the needs of the frontliners (food, equipment, transportation), the poor families who have nothing to eat.  Companies have converted production facilities to produce masks, alcohol, etc. Policemen cooking food and distributing them at checkpoints.  A fitness instructor on a roof, leading a workout session; or various fitness companies publishing free online classes.
• Mindful Consumption.  With the economy being crippled by the community quarantine, we have a heightened awareness of how finite our resources are; so, we are more mindful of our consumption and are less wasteful.
• A return to God (or that higher power one believes in). This is something that cannot be resolved by a single individual.  There is no one solution to fix this.  All we can do is trust.

Lastly and most importantly, Reprieve for Mother Earth.  She is finally able to take a breath from humankind's battery.  Companies shutting down drastically improved the air quality in different countries.  There is marked reduction in carbon footprint from transportation, especially air travel. That's how many days of no air conditioning in offices!

I think this is the number one lesson we all should take away from this.  We were brought into this world to be its stewards yet we had been greedy and irresponsible, to say the least. There is a consequence to every action.  This was a consequence to years of mismanagement of Earth's gifts. 

It is my hope that we all take seriously the lessons COVID19 (and the past natural disasters) is trying to impart and take proactive steps to ensure the future generations do not forget. 

"Moses spoke to the people and said: “Now, Israel, hear the statutes and decrees which I am teaching you to observe, that you may live, and may enter in and take possession of the land which the Lord, the God of your fathers, is giving you. 5 Therefore, I teach you the statutes and decrees as the Lord, my God, has commanded me, that you may observe them in the land you are entering to occupy.

... , take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and to your children’s children." (Deuteronomy 4:1,5,9; from today's 1st Reading)

Art by Inadoodles