Holy Thursday: Passing Over To Self-sacrificing Love

    During our orientation meeting, Ate Aidah told me to tell God my intention/s or my question/s for the Holy Week Retreat.  She warned that I might not get the answer during the retreat itself, but I have to be open to journey with Jesus towards it.

    I had one question and intention:  Is my son home with You?  If not, then please bring him safely home soon.

    I started to go through the prepared readings for Holy Thursday reflection.  The first one I read was the Psalms -- Psalms 116: 12-13, 15-16, 17-18.  Verses 15-16 was 💗

"How painful it is to the Lord when one of His people dies!  I am Your servant, Lord; I serve You just as my mother did.  You have saved me from death."

I started crying as I read it and all I could utter was, "Thank You!"  

Then, when I looked for one of the passages for reflection: 2 Cor 5:21, I found one of Anton's highlighted passages: 2 Cor 6:2 - the one that assured me a couple of months from his passing.

"Hear what God says:  When the time came for Me to show you favor, I heard you;  When the day arrived for Me to save you, I helped you.  Listen!  This is the hour to receive God's favor; today is the day to be saved!"

    Of course, I cried buckets once again.  God (and my son) really knows. He knew I would overanalyze the first passage and, so, He reinforced it.  All I could say was, "Ok, ok ... I heard You!  I got it now. I'm sorry I doubted."

    Now that we have that anecdote out of the way, let's get down to the business of Holy Thursday.  I did not know where to begin reflecting on the theme:  Passing Over to Self-sacrificing Love, so I took it a reading at a time.

Reflecting on John 13:1-15

"Jesus knew that the hour had come for Him to leave this world and go to the Father.  He had always loved those in the world who were His own, and He loved them to the very end."

    It may be too presumptuous to compare Jesus's final days with Anton's, but this was the exact disposition Anton had during his final days.  It was as if he knew he was leaving; and he loved us - me, especially - to the very end.

    A few weeks before his passing, he started teaching little G how to wake me up before lunch time.  She had to knock quietly and kiss me softly. I heard him coaching her right outside the door.  Back then, I thought it was amusing.  I didn't know that he was making sure I did not wake up alone.  He also started giving her and little P his most treasured toys.  A few days after he passed, I saw his favorite stuffed dog toy, Buddy, on my bed. Seeing my pained surprised look, G said, "Kuya gave Buddy to me, Ninang.  I think you need him more now." The Harry Potter wand he made and his treasured Star Wars lightsaber from Tita Janice were also handed over to his little cousins.

    After we laid him to his final resting place, our cook (with whom he was always annoyed because "she is not following Lolo's instructions" to the letter) told me how, during his final months, he made an effort to be kinder and more patient with her.  He cheerfully greeted her every morning, asked how she was and genuinely listened.  For that, she said, she was grateful.

"... He knew that He had come from God and was going to God."

    The doctors said that, normally, the pain from his illness (when it does manifest) is unbearable.  But on his final day, he bore his pain with so much grace and trust in God and Mama Mary.  Unable to join for Mass, he went down and asked for his Lolo to pray over him.

"You do not understand now what I am doing, but you will understand later."

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan (I truly do not understand).  And, even though I know that God has His reasons, it is still excruciatingly painful.  Even with the reassurances, the pain is soul-deep.  Matindi ang pangungulila (There is a terrible longing amidst the loneliness).  Even though I feel Anton's presence and feel him speaking to my heart, I still miss him so much.  My heart aches immensely for my son.  He is my life.  To say that I had been dying since he left is not an understatement.  I don't think I will ever feel whole again.  I don't know how.  I am in pain; my soul is anguished.

♫ Nagmula sa Iyo ang lahat ng ito.  Muli kong handog sa Iyo.🎝
(All these came from You; I offer back to You)

    Ate Aidah said, I give it back to God -- not to take from me, but to hold, manage and take hold FOR me.  Pero ang hirap! (But it's so hard!).  How does one reconcile this parting as merely God taking hold of this soul that I love the most?  

    I didn't fully understand what Ate Aidah was trying to convey until I had a merienda date with my Mom a few weeks ago.  She said, "Jesus and Mama Mary took him home because they want to keep him safe from future pain and heartache."  My son, being the most honest and innocent person I know, is very gullible, making him vulnerable to people who might take advantage of him.  He trusts people he loves ... to a fault.  I used to worry about him falling into bad company, so I would pound on him the things to look out for:  red flags to be wary about.  He half-listened, believing himself an excellent judge of character.

Contemplating Christ's Agony in Gethsemane

    Luke 22:39-46.  I read the passage and wondered how Jesus's prayer went; how the conversation between Father and Son went; and then the instrumental version of ♬Paghahandog ng Sarili♬ (Offering of Oneself) started playing.  I had come to attribute it to the ultimate "sacrifice" God had asked of me: to part with my son.  But going through the lyrics now, I realized, this must have been the theme of Jesus's conversation with the Father.  "Father, if You will, take this cup of suffering away from Me.  Not My will, however, but Your will be done."

    Mark 14:32-42. "Father, my Father!  All things are possible for You.  Take this cup of suffering from Me. Yet not what I want, but what You want."  It is true.  All things are possible with God.  It is also true that He knows everything.  He knows how the story will unfold.  He knows how something painful can propel us towards the right direction.  We only need to trust and follow.

    Matthew 26:36-46.  "Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus checked in on the apostles 3x and found them sleeping.  This meant that He knew the weakness of the human nature, but reminded the apostles that the way to combat it is through prayer.  It is a daily conscious decision to keep trusting in the story that God has laid out for me.  It is so easy to focus on the pain and spiral into the blackhole of despair.  In the months that followed his passing, I remember how during a grief journal session, I "heard" Anton say, "Keep praying, Mom." During those months, I prayed the rosary by rote  and not by heart (if only to satisfy my insistent son's voice in my heart); but it kept me afloat.

    Bringing together all the readings, I understand that, in everything He did, Jesus had one motivation:  Love.  It is this Love, both for God the Father and humanity, that drove Him ultimately to obedience to the point of self-sacrifice. What gave Him strength to soldier through it is His faith in God the Father's Will.  

    I am going through the darkest phase of my life.  And, while this sacrifice is far from voluntary, I have to soldier through in faith, that God knows how the story ends and has the power to turn this pain into something beautiful; to magnify and multiply my love for my son into expressions of the Father's Love. 

    This brings me to one of the songs that played during my reflection time:  ♬Maging Akin Muli♬ (Be Mine Once More).  In order for God to work His "magic", I need to accept His invitation to "Be Mine Once More" and surrender.

Borrowed from the internet