Time flies! I can't believe half a year has gone by since my last blog entry. Yes, so much has happened, but don't worry. This is not an update blog.
AMJ (April-May-June) is turning out to be a quarter of getting-to-know myself again. That's a whole $#!t load that I won't be bringing you guys into. Suffice it to say, that it's been quite a ride and am bracing myself for a big finish.
But I will let you in on a small bit, which I think is worth sharing.
I spent a couple of weeks with family in Australia to visit my sister and to decenter (I often call it disengaging, but, apparently, the formal term is "decentering"). I spent the first week attending morning Mass daily. When I don't know where to start fixing myself, I just go to Mass --- with a blank mind and an open heart. The first couple of days were difficult. It took a lot of effort to be still and to silence all the voices in my head. When there's too much noise, it's hard to listen. Thankfully, with God's grace, my heart stopped racing and I breathed easier. The entire week went by fast ... and without any answer. Of course, it didn't help that I could not even figure out my question. BUT I know, that what my heart has locked safely away from me, is as plain as day for Him. So, I went on my merry way for the balance of our holiday.
In true God fashion, though, He gave me exactly what I needed on the very last day. Never in a hurry, but ALWAYS on time.
On the eve of our flight back, we went to anticipated Mass. We were supposed to attend at this beautiful Church I went to the first day, but we could not find parking even though we were there early. We went, instead, to my Aunt's parish Church.
When I saw who was presiding, Fr. John, I knew we were meant to be there.
Then, he started reading the Gospel. I thought it sounded familiar until I realized it was a repeat of the Gospel the previous Friday - the last day of my daily morning Mass on the first week. I perked up, all senses engaged. I thought, there's an Easter egg coming.
John 21:1 -1 14
1 At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. 2Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples. 3 Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We also will come with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 4 When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them,“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” 6 So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. 7 So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. 9 When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord. 13Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.
True enough, Fr. John's homily was the answer to the question I could not form in my head. He summarized his thoughts into 3 simple points.
AMJ (April-May-June) is turning out to be a quarter of getting-to-know myself again. That's a whole $#!t load that I won't be bringing you guys into. Suffice it to say, that it's been quite a ride and am bracing myself for a big finish.
But I will let you in on a small bit, which I think is worth sharing.
I spent a couple of weeks with family in Australia to visit my sister and to decenter (I often call it disengaging, but, apparently, the formal term is "decentering"). I spent the first week attending morning Mass daily. When I don't know where to start fixing myself, I just go to Mass --- with a blank mind and an open heart. The first couple of days were difficult. It took a lot of effort to be still and to silence all the voices in my head. When there's too much noise, it's hard to listen. Thankfully, with God's grace, my heart stopped racing and I breathed easier. The entire week went by fast ... and without any answer. Of course, it didn't help that I could not even figure out my question. BUT I know, that what my heart has locked safely away from me, is as plain as day for Him. So, I went on my merry way for the balance of our holiday.
In true God fashion, though, He gave me exactly what I needed on the very last day. Never in a hurry, but ALWAYS on time.
On the eve of our flight back, we went to anticipated Mass. We were supposed to attend at this beautiful Church I went to the first day, but we could not find parking even though we were there early. We went, instead, to my Aunt's parish Church.
When I saw who was presiding, Fr. John, I knew we were meant to be there.
Then, he started reading the Gospel. I thought it sounded familiar until I realized it was a repeat of the Gospel the previous Friday - the last day of my daily morning Mass on the first week. I perked up, all senses engaged. I thought, there's an Easter egg coming.
John 21:1 -1 14
1 At that time, Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias. He revealed himself in this way. 2Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples. 3 Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We also will come with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 4 When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them,“Children, have you caught anything to eat?” They answered him, “No.” 6 So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.” So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. 7 So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad, and jumped into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards, dragging the net with the fish. 9 When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore full of one hundred fifty-three large fish. Even though there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.” And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” because they realized it was the Lord. 13Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them, and in like manner the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples after being raised from the dead.
True enough, Fr. John's homily was the answer to the question I could not form in my head. He summarized his thoughts into 3 simple points.
- Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us; and need a "Beloved Disciple" to point it out to us. I remembered a conversation I had with my Aunt where she pointed out exactly what I needed to do. I realized, I had a similar conversation with a casual (sage) acquaintance who essentially pointed me towards the same direction just a few months prior. I thought, I must be pretty dense or pretty scared. I decided I was (am) scared.
- Once we know the goal, there are two ways to get to it: (1) leave everything and just go for it; and (2) go slowly and bring the fish. Some people have the capacity to go "all or nothing"; while some people's circumstances require several considerations. Thus, they need to be more practical in their approach. There is no right approach for everyone, just the right one for YOU. Go for that. Of course, that means some get to their goals faster, while others take longer. That doesn't mean the faster ones win, while the rest are losers. Each of us have our own paths to follow. We need to respect our timing and to honor our own journey. But the main point is, GO FOR IT! Remember: "Find the Purpose; the Means will Follow" (A little wisdom found on a pet cooling mat. Seriously, God finds the weirdest ways to get to me!). Otherwise, you will find yourself doing or settling for mediocre work --- because anything outside your passion is mediocre. Neither you nor the world will benefit from the under-utilization of your talents and the curtailing of your full capability.
- Be open to God's surprises by maintaining a good relationship with Him. That is the only way you will be able to understand His plans/Will. This one is a reminder for me. I have been crazy busy with big and small things that I have not been able to sustain a decent quiet time with Him. And, I know, busy is never a good excuse to compromise my relationship with Him (or myself). I am trying to get it back into my daily rhythm. And, I will be honest, I have been faltering. But, still, I keep praying for the grace to keep at it even when I don't feel like it.
None of these is really new, but sometimes we just need to be reminded. That has generally been the theme of my life. I feel what I need to do in my gut, I acknowledge it, decide to go for it ... and then get cold feet until it fizzles out. God, meantime, has been repeating it over and over for me ... until it sticks. Such a patient God.
So ... here's to me, finally taking that first step and shuffling for a couple more. With His grace, I'm going to keep going in this slow but steady and deliberate pace.
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| I chose this photo because it's one of my favorites from the trip. And, I imagine, it took constant repeated sculpting by the waves for these rocks to form. |
