Poetic Doses: Cafe Window, North Star

Cafe Window

With a start he realizes
Love breathes

In the deepest recesses of his heart;

And it wakens,
Roaring back to life,
With just a fleeting vision of her
After so many years

Through the cafe window.

North Star

He joined the old man on the rock ledge.

Through the tobacco smoke, he stared up at the North Star ...

"You never told me," he began.

"What do you mean?", the old man asked.

"You said, 'for every man is a woman who will be his true North' ..."

The old man puffed, waiting.

"You never said she would be exactly like the North Star ...

always within sight, but painfully just out of reach."

His grandfather looked at him intently, 

then at the house 

and through the porch window,

where she was painting ---

oblivious to the observers

and

the heart that beats for her.

I Am LoveSick

This is not a review of the play. I am no authority on the rudiments and technicalities, so I won't go there.

BUT I would recommend it to everyone, because it presents the realities of relationships in the same way that sugar makes it easy to swallow a bitter pill.  I recommend it to everyone, because everyone needs to look in the mirror, truly see themselves and recognize the work-in-progress --- who is far from perfect, but also far better than the first draft.  I recommend it to everyone, because each relationship is a dance with another work-in-progress --- who may not always be the version compatible to the current version of YOU.

That said, I shall move on to the heart of this blog:  The part which struck me most, the final act which tied in all the other acts.  Specifically, this line:  "Why doesn't anyone ever call it destiny ... [when you end up alone]?"

It triggered a barrage of "a-ha!'s" and a realization that I am LoveSick.  It's a barrage, so bear with me as I try to articulate all of them as best as I can.

1. Every now and then we need some breathing room.  Sometimes the other room works; sometimes it needs to be farther.  Sometimes counting to five is enough, sometimes it needs a much longer time.  
2. Timing is crucial.  If your life stages are not in sync, it will be like fitting a square peg into a round hole.  Don't force anything now.  When the time is right for both of you, it will be as if stars aligning.  
3. Life is a ball.  When a partner decides to move on to the next partner, don't skip that beat.  Dance with your next partner.  Just keep dancing.  Sometimes you circle back into each other's arms.  Sometimes you stumble into the arms of the one, who will want to walk with you through the gardens for the rest of the evening.
4. Remember your name.  Do not allow yourself to get lost in everyday trivial things nor allow your relationships to define you.  You are important, too.  Relationships are meant to expand, not restrict.  Also, be wary of the tendency to restrict yourself and blaming other people for your self-inflicted misery.
5. Alone times are our destiny. Life is a solo journey.  We come into the world alone.  And we leave it alone.   Therefore, alone times are, actually, normal. Those are your lucid intervals, when you see and understand things more clearly.  Afterall, hindsight is always 20/20. 
6. Someone loved you first. Allow Him to show you the beauty of your lights and shadows together - through His looking glass. Revel in His love and  allow yourself to love YOU (buy yourself a self-love ring!). 
7. All we need is Love.  Only when you've learned to love yourself are you better able to give love and accept the love coming your way (or has been knocking at your door).

Finally, when your stars have aligned, Love is a decision.  In whatever form it may be, it is a decision you need to make. Every. Single. Day.  

Make no mistake, it takes a LOT of grace (between gritted teeth).  So, pray.

Poetic Dose: Morning Dew

Morning Dew

I enjoy mornings like this,
when everything is bright and yawning awake
with the morning dew
like a fresh layer of tears ...

"I cried for you," she said,
looking at me for the first time.
I turned to her, puzzled,
my eyes searching hers as she looked back to the fields.
"I'm not oblivious.  I'm an artist.  I feel everything --- intensely ...
Love, especially."

I had no words, just morning dew upon my cheeks,
as I watched her walk away from me
forever.

Reflection on Readings / Bigger Bear Series: A Weekend of Fire

This weekend was all about FIRE.

It was the opening week of "Ignacio De Loyola".  We were urged by friends from the community not to wait for the weekend to watch, since movies like this sometimes do not make it to the weekend due to low turnout.  We've been waiting for this, so we decided to carve out time for it.

My sister was supposed to watch with me and my son.  She even bought the tickets herself via SureSeats.  But she had to finish some work, so my Mom went with us.

A:  "Mom, is it Lola's first time?"
Me: "First time ... ?"
A:  "First time to watch a movie"

My son's 11 years old.  He doesn't remember my Mom ever watching a movie.  That's how long it's been since she last stepped into a cinema ... and we feel blessed watching "Ignacio De Loyola" together.

I felt bad my sister wasn't able to join us for the movie because it was highly relevant to where we both stand in our lives right now. BUT she came with me to the Parents' Recollection at CFA and it was just as good ... because both revolved around the same theme:  Fire.

There are 3 Aspects of God's Fire:

1. Refiner's Fire
2. Heart on Fire
3. One Match

REFINER'S FIRE

1st Reading
Ecclesiastes 1:2; 2:21-23
"Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!"

"Ignacio De Loyola" starts off with the forging of the saint's sword in fire. This was symbolic of the difficult purification he had to undergo later in life, its depiction in the movie was a blend of Christ's temptation and agony in the garden.  I imagine the inner turmoil is similar for each of us whenever we are tested; and the same anguish at realizing that we once again gave in to our weaknesses. At the end of it God's voice echoed in his heart, "You are forgiven."  So are we.  Each time.

During his inquisition, Ignacio's journal was submitted for scrutiny.  In it, he chronicled the constant struggle against vanity and his regular exercises of checking his intentions - does he do things for God's glory or his?

Homeschooling is not easy.  There are good days and bad days.  And, sometimes, the good days are too few and too far in between.  On those days, Monster Mom makes frequent appearances and I torture myself with deprecating self-talk - totally deserved.  I apologize to my son (and he apologizes, too) and he forgives me, saying, "Let's try again, Mama".  Each time.

As a homeschooling parent, I have the tendency to equate my son's academic success or failure to my success or failure as parent.  I constantly need to ground myself on my reason for homeschooling:  my son.  It's not about me.  It's about him entirely.  I should respect my son's pace and capabilities.  No comparison and no rushing (as much as the deadlines permit) In the same way, I need to recognize my own capabilities and capacities as well.  It is okay to ask for help.

From Refiner's Fire
"Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within"

HEART ON FIRE

2nd Reading
Colossians 3:1-5, 9-11
"... you have taken off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed, for knowledge, in the image of its creator."

Responsorial Psalm

Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain wisdom of heart. "

After his purification, Ignacio emerged a new person, his heart burning with the desire to do God's will. During his retreat at Manresa, he developed (or started to) his spiritual exercises, which detailed techniques in deciphering God's will - both in simple and difficult situations in life.  These daily exercises help keep the heart on fire and serve as compass to walk our God-ordained paths.

Our first speakers, Bro. Raul and Sister Hedi, talked about their lives as homeschooling parents in a foreign country, Thailand. They shared 5 key things that enabled them to sustain homeschooling and successful family life, which also help keep hearts on fire:

1. Prayer and Scripture.  They prescribe daily morning and evening prayers with Scripture reading. These are integral in discerning God's will - not just for major decisions, but in daily seemingly trivial decisions as well.  Morning prayers help set the tone for the day, while evening prayers afford us a chance to review what happened the entire day and examine our hearts.
2. Eucharist.  The Eucharist is the highest form of prayer.  We should try to attend Mass as often as possible - not just on Sundays.  It is a highly recommended cure for times of difficulties, heartaches (whatever kind it is) and discernment.
3. The Holy Spirit.  He is the Helper who provides us with the graces we need to go through life --- Love, most of all ... and "Love is the essence of peace."  It is God's Love that keeps our hearts burning.
4. Family Life.  The most effective venue for building relationships within the family is through meal times.  Spending meal time with our love ones keeps both our bodies and spirits healthy.
5. Community Life.  The community provides much-needed support in times of difficulties, as well as, enable spiritual growth and formation.

Take and Receive
"Take and receive, O Lord, my liberty
Take all my will, my mind, my memory
All things I hold and all I own are Thine
Thine was the gift, to Thee I all resign

Do Thou direct and govern all and sway
Do what Thou wilt, command, and I obey
Only Thy grace, Thy love on me bestow
These make me rich, all else will I forego."

ONE MATCH

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17
"Fill us at daybreak with your kindness, that we may shout for joy and gladness all our days."

Gospel
Luke 12:13-21
"But God said to him, ‘You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong?’ Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God.”

When Ignacio left for his scholarship in France, his cousin, Calixto, said (something similar), "May you set more souls on fire."  We are in this world to do God's will.  It is easy to get distracted or lost in the concerns of daily life and society's constant focus on success.  But what really is success?  We often find ourselves striving for what society defines as successful, when we really should focus on successfully delivering against God's plans for us.  Each person was brought into this world for a reason.  And it is never for himself/herself.  It is always to touch another soul/s and make God's love more palpable for that person/s.

As a homeschooling mom, the primary person whose life I touch is my son's.  If I will make good use of my one match, it should be in making an explosion in the life of my son so that he becomes a bigger fire through whom more people's hearts are set on fire.

A beautiful and noble cause - sounds poetic and easy written down like this.  I wish it were so.  As Bro. Alvin Barcelona aptly pointed out, "Love is a decision ... a decision we need to make daily with deliberate doables." Relationships, afterall, if left alone, eventually fizzle out.

He recommends 4T's [in relation to relationship with God] :

1. Talk [Prayer].  Communication = Articulating + Listening.  It's a two-way street.  It's not communication if only one person is talking while the other one listens.  That's a sermon.
2. Text [God's Word].  Leverage on current technologies to stay in touch.  Go the extra mile and use old-school methodology of handwritten notes/letters.
3. Table [Eucharist].  Regularly schedule (table) activities with the family and with individual members of the family.
4. Tag/Touch [Community]. "We need at least 7 hugs a day".  Physical touch  or show of affection is essential to human relationships.  I don't think this needs to be explained, but it's often taken for granted.  It also means expand beyond your own family and touch other people's lives.

 And these are held together by the most important T:  TIME.

Sometimes, in my zeal to help develop my son into the best version of himself, I pick at every single flaw in his manners, character, academic and non-academic works.  Bro. Bo Sanchez calls this:  Over-parenting (cue in nudge paired with tongue-sticking-out from my sister).  How do I avoid this?

• See.  Visualize what I want for my child, but not too specific.  Let it be God's will for him.  Then, translate this into prayer said out loud, so that he is also able to visualize this for himself.  Let it be a prayer of gratitude, which is one of the most powerful forms of prayers --- because it exhibits faith and trust that He will deliver.
• Sow.  Sow through action:  Spending time and loving unconditionally, regardless of how many times I have had to explain that Math concept.  I should do everything to help enable the God's vision or dream for him
• Surrender. This is the key to preventing over-parenting.  Surrender everything to God.  Release all worries to Him, sit back, and let Him do His work.

We've heard it said, a parent's job is never done.  BUT it changes through time. These are the three hats we wear, according to Bro. Bo:

• Controller.  While the kids are young, we wear the Controller hat, making sure that our children's needs are taken cared of and laying down the foundational values (by constantly telling them what to do and what not to do - hehe!) that build into their character.
• Coach.  From 11 years old, we switch to the Coach hat.  This is is when we move into the box off-field.  This means, we stand in the sidelines and let them experience life, put into practice what we taught them. Let them feel the pain and consequences of their actions.  And, then, we call them back for a huddle and reinforcement of what we taught them. No nagging.
• Consultant. Then, when they are all grown, we give up the Coach hat for the Consultant hat.  This means we let them live their lives as they deem fit without contradicting or condemning.  In fact, we should respect their decisions (and trust that we taught them the right values) and don't say anything until we are asked or consulted.

From Fight Song

"Like a small boat

On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion"