A Mother's Grief

 

Grief is such a lonely journey.

 It's like those nights when I cannot sleep. Just when I thought I had fallen asleep, my consciousness comes alive; and I realize that I hadn't been sleeping -- just floating in a blackhole of mindless wakefulness.

That's how some days feel ... as if I am finally moving forward, finally getting acquainted and used to the weight of grief constantly pressing against my heart.

 Then I get jolted into consciousness and realize I'm still here, where he left me.  And I can't breathe from the onslaught of salt infused rain pouring from this limitless storm cloud inside me.

There is no rhyme nor reason, no logical triggers; no negative self-talk.  It just is.  And it screams.  No.  It wails to be heard, although it has no words.

There is no pain, like a mother's grief.

Art by:  Ina Nolasco

Poetic Doses: Month 2 Till The 1st Christmas Without My Rainbow Prince

Art by: Louie Artista

i'm still here

i'm still here

where you left me

where the sun refuses to shine

and the air is scarce;

where the pain is all mine

and wounds don't turn into scars.

i'm still here

i'm still here

waiting

broken

barely breathing

where you left me

where you can never come back.

***

La Nina

Days soaking in rain from

My inexhaustible raincloud heart

There is no reprieve for

My bleeding soul

I will walk through

A lifetime of La Nina

Until my feet takes me

Towards your voice

   finally calling me home.

***

I am

floating in a sunless universe.

***

Moon Rising

Slowly rising above the dark clouds

Upon this sliver of light that is only you.

***

She woke up,

gasping for breath;

And, yet,

she was never asleep.

No.  There is no waking from this dream.

***

(My version of "Asleep In My Heart")

If I could have but one more day,

we'd walk again our favorite way,

Mom and son together as before,

eating out, watching movies and more.

No pillows to throw, no plate to fill,

your artworks unfinished, your books lay still,

no welcome kiss and hug, no peaceful snore,

an empty trandel bed upon the floor.

If I could hold you once again,

I'd kiss your head, I'd call your name,

I'd whisper gently as we part,

You're safe, asleep within my heart. 

***

Here

In the most secret chamber of my heart

Where darkness surrounds

My barely breathing light

I cry out to You

to Your humanity

In love anguished;

a heart heavy with loss

I cry out to You

to Your divinity

In faith tormented;

a soul lost to wandering

Here

In the most secret chamber of my heart,

Where darkness trembles

For You to set me back on fire.

I wait for You.

***

You breathed life to my heart

and gave it wings.

It soared.

Then it plummeted, crashing,

the day your soul took flight.

***

... It could have eaten other gods.

Instead it ate my Sun.

And thoughtfully left behind a gift.

I carry it with me everywhere and always.

Grief.

***

My soul is bleeding in parts I never knew existed.

(I was going to give this boy all of me, down to my very stump)

***

Tonight I went through the walls of my room;

Everything he owned, used, touched, held, made;

All the mess;

All the things that screamed, 

" I was here!"

I touched all of them,

Feeling as though I was grasping sand;

And I had to comfort myself, repeating,

"It was real.  He was here.

And he loved you."

***

When the flurry of the 1st Christmas settled to silence,

Grief spilled over.

I walk the corridors of my heart

I hear the loud echoing emptiness

There is nothing here, it screams

Not even a whisper --- of you.

*

Do not be silent nor turn away.

Talk about him.

I want you to remember with me.

It's my only proof

that it wasn't all just a dream.

*

Everyone goes on living,

While I keep dying inside.

*

You were oxygen to my heart

Water for my parched soul

Now, I can't breathe!

*

Outside my window,

a sliver of light

As I rock myself 

to the rhythm of my sobs

Praying for sleep.

Art by:  Louie Artista