A Time to Be Rogue

Rogue is an adjective used to describe something or someone that is different from others in usually a dangerous or harmful way.

I am not a Star Wars geek, so I will not attempt to analyze how Rogue One fits into the overall Star Wars universe nor how it fared compared to all the other franchises.  If that's what you're looking for, you will do better talking to my son than reading this blog.

But, if you must know, I liked it.  Forget the there-but-not-quite-there hint of a love story between Jyn and Cassian.  Forget how awesome (and kind of sexy) Chirrut Imwe was.  Forget, too, the more elegant Sam-Frodo dynamics he had with Baze Malbus.  I enjoyed those bits, too.  But I liked it more because the movie was riddled with nuggets of wisdom that are relevant, timely (even urgent) and must be underlined.

There are 10 lines that struck me...

"Remember, whatever I do, I do it to protect you."

Every event is multifaceted, one facet for the perspective of each person involved.  Nobody truly knows the entire story until it is viewed and understood from each of those person's perspective. 

• Galen Erso was viewed as a defector by the rebellion when he became the Empire's lead Engineer for the Death Star. A mission was sent to kill him on site.  But, in truth, Galen Erso decided to take that critical role in order to build a weakness into the Death Star - which he communicated to the rebellion at the risk of his own life.
• For years, Jyn Erso harbored hurt against Saw Gerrera for abandoning her at age 16.  But Saw Gerrera did this to protect her, so that she is not linked to the rebellion and used to blackmail her father.  And, before doing so, he trained her. "You were already the best soldier in my cadre."

Often, when "bad" things happen to us, we only see the pain and negative impact. Sometimes we allow the pain to consume us, clouding over our perspective, that we fail to see the eventual good that comes from it.  During difficult times, "when we can't trace His hand," we need to hold fast and "trust His heart" - because, like any father, God tells us, "Remember, whatever I do, I do it to protect you."

"Congratulations.  You are being rescued. Please do not resist."
Contrary to what some people think, to be saved can be very painful that the first instinct is, understandably, to run away altogether.  But, because God loves us and we are important, He might resort to some drastic measures --- like hitting us hard, so that we stop long enough to realize what is happening.  Hopefully, after that, we are much more pliant. "Quiet!  And there's a fresh one if you mouth off again!"

"The Force is with me. I am one with the Force.  And I fear nothing, for all is as the Force wills it."
This one needs no further explanation.  Just switch "Force" with "God".  It's an effective mantra to calm one's spirit; to find strength during difficult times; to find the courage to follow God's will, especially when it's contrary to what your mind is telling you; to trust and hope in the face of impossibility.

"There are no Jedi here anymore, only dreamers, like this fool."
Preaching about God and introducing Him to people who do not know Him yet is not just the responsibility of priests and religious (Jedi).  We don't need a special title to tell the world about God and how He moves in our lives.  In this society/world of ambiguity and confusion, I dare you to be that foolish dreamer who will forge, unblinking, towards the clear path where the "Force" leads.

"The Force did protect me."  "I protected you."
"Goodluck!" "I don't need luck.  I have you."
God is efficient that way.  He moves people and uses them as instruments to do His will. And He does not discriminate. Sometimes He sends a believer; sometimes, an unbeliever.  Sometimes He sends YOU.

"You can stand to see the Imperial flag reign across the galaxy?"  "It's not a problem if you don't look up"
Pope Francis pointed it out many times, one of the greatest diseases of this generation is indifference. While technology has given us access to so much information, it has also desensitized us to the point of indifference and apathy.  What does not affect us directly, does not matter.  There is nothing wrong with it until it happens to us.  Or, sometimes, it is easy to feel involved without really getting involved.  If you haven't figured it out yet, liking or forwarding an article does not help.  Yes, it helps raise awareness. But what good is it in a universe of information where it is difficult to decipher fact from fabrication?

"I had orders!  Orders that I disobeyed!"  "You might as well be a stormtrooper."
God gave us the ability to perceive and evaluate things.  He also gave us free will.  May we always choose to do what our hearts say is right.

"You give way to an enemy this evil with this much power and you condemn the galaxy to an eternity of submission."  "The time to fight is now!"
There should be no dilly-dallying.  There is no small effort.  Every little effort adds up. Everyday we are faced with choices - right or wrong, big or small.  Everytime we choose to do what is right, no matter how small, we win a battle.

"... we'll take the next chance. And the next chance.  On and on until we win ... or the chances are spent."
Sometimes following God's will entails running into battle blindly with no plans other than taking one chance (He presents us) at a time. Just run with it.

"The strongest stars have hearts of kyber"
Hearts attuned to God are the strongest and bravest.  These are the ones most capable of going rogue when the times call for it.

Nobody, other than God, knows the full story or the Master Plan.  That is why, during these trying times, it is even more critical to stay attuned to Him through daily prayer meditation and reading of His Word.  Only in this way will we know what to do, when to do it.

To each one of us and to society as a whole ...

May the Force be with us when it is Time to be Rogue.

Every Road Leads Back

Moana is another beautiful departure from Disney's usual princess and damsels-in-distress theme. I'm happy to see this new trend in Disney animation. And Lin Manuel Miranda and his team are just the right people to lay out the music.  The music did not only set the background, but highlighted the theme in a profoundly resounding manner.

Three songs struck my core ...

How Far I'll Go

"I've been standing at the edge of the water

Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water
No matter how hard I try"

This reminds me of a discussion I had a year ago with our parish priest.  He said, that our generation is typically born into a role with a set of expectations.  

Pondering on this more, I realized it is true.  We had our lives laid out for us with everything planned out by our parents.  There is great focus on being the "perfect daughter" and doing what our parents think is best for us.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  Our parents have our best interests at heart and years of experience have made them truly wiser than us.  We do need their guidance. But, sometimes, because they want to protect us so much from failure and pain, they inevitably hold us back from forging our own paths.

"Every turn I take

Every trail I track
Every path I make
Every road leads back to the place I know
Where I cannot go
Where I long to be"

As a friend told me once, "there is order in the universe".  Life has a way of taking you right back to the right path.  You can run or hide from it, but God's plan for you will unfold.  And you will find yourself circling back to it, because there are things the heart knows much better than the mind.  Until you figure it out, you'll find your heart inexplicably drawn to it and circumstances will lead you right back to it ... over and over again.

"See the light where the sky meets the sea
It calls me
No one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know
If I go there's just no telling how far I'll go"

One day, when you are ready, it will hit you and you will find the courage to finally go and find out "how far you'll go".   When you let go and allow it to take you, the journey itself will feel like coming home.

How Far I'll Go - Janella Salvador (PH)

How Far I'll Go - Tagalog Version

I Am Moana

"Sometimes the world seems against you

The journey may leave a scar
But scars can heal and reveal just
Where you are

The people you love will change you

The things you have learned will guide you"

There is no guarantee that, when we go and walk our path, things will be easy.  The failure which our parents are protecting us from can and will hit us at one point or another.  Failure, afterall, is what builds character and pushes us to do things we never knew we were capable of.

"And nothing on Earth can silence
The quiet voice still inside you
And when that voice starts to whisper ...

Do you know who you are?

I am everything I've learned and more
Still it calls me

And the call isn't out there at all
It's inside me
It's like the tide, always falling and rising
I will carry you here in my heart
You'll remind me
That come what may, I know the way
I am Moana!"

When it is most difficult, that is the time to stand back and listen to that inner voice - God's voice within us. It is there, always within reach, guiding us.  It will not be silenced.  It knows the way. 

I believe that God planted His plans in our hearts. During uncertain times, trust that His plans are deep inside you.  In the deepest parts of your heart, you'll always find the answer.  When it is needed, help will come.  He will send someone.  Everything will come into focus and you'll know the way.  Just keep praying.  Stay in touch with that inner voice which holds the blueprint of God's plans.

I Am Moana

Know Who You Are

"I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
He may have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are"

Failure and pain, sometimes, have a way of truly breaking us, bringing out the worst in us.  We find ourselves in a swirl, spiraling downwards until we lose sight of who we are and where we are headed. I have found myself in such situations many times and, without fail, God finds me.  Sometimes He speaks in the silence.  Sometimes He sends someone. Whoever he or she is, that person will find the courage to walk in the midst of that spiral to remind me who I am; a lifeline who will pull me up.

When I am able to accept the failure and transcend the pain, that's when the growing happens and I find myself emerging into a better version of myself (an upgrade!).

On a side note ...

Never steal a woman's heart and break it. (Bad idea).

Te Fiti (a goddess with the power to create life - represented by a mountain) turning into Te Ka (a demon that causes infestation and death - manifested in fire and magma, a volcano) is the perfect representation of a woman who's heart is broken.  She becomes untrusting, protecting herself by keeping everyone else at bay through anger or indifference. (Nasty!).

Know Who You Are

Art from ScorpiusClark

Poetic Dose: Untitled

Love creeps in through
The strangest of places
Born always from
The most hidden corners
Warming slowly
Breathing suddenly
Until it trembles
And bursts
Then
It is unstoppable.

(October)

Reflection on Readings: The Big Bang Theory, Exotic Particles and Time

The Big Bang Theory

“If the rate of expansion one second after the big bang had been smaller by even one part in a hundred thousand million million, the universe would have re-collapsed before it ever reached its present size.” 

“The remarkable fact is that the values of these numbers seem to have been very finely adjusted to make possible the development of life.”

Stephen Hawkings

Growing up, I never understood why people thought a fascination in Science and Math meant a separation from Faith; that the two can never be married; and that scientists are inevitably atheists or agnostics.  Science and Math had always served as objective and concrete proof of God's existence for me.  I mean, think about it.  There is too much order and symmetry in the universe - from far off celestial bodies to the inner workings of our DNA - to miss or deny the existence of an extremely obsessive compulsive Engineer!

(Read more about it here:  Has Science Discovered God?)

So, what does this mean?

I am part of His Grand Design.  My existence was meticulously planned, so that I come out exactly the way I am.
And, because He has designed and set the world in motion like one extremely complex domino structure, I have a purpose. Whether it is to the world or to just one person, I am meant to make an impact and set something or someone else into motion.

Exotic Particles

“But I think the number that made the biggest impression on me concerned the lifespan of the 'exotic' particles created in the LHC.  The longest-lived of these particles could exist for only a few hundred-millionths of a second before decaying; the shortest-lived were so unstable that their existences couldn't even be observed in a conventional sense.  They popped into being and were gone in the same tiny fraction of an instant ...
But the more I thought about this, and the more I thought about how old the universe was, and hold it would become before it suffered its final heat death, the more I realized that all matter was akin to those exotic particles.  The size and scale of the universe made everything else unimaginably small and fleeting.  On a universal timescale, even the stars would be gone in much less than the blink of an eye.”

The Universe versus Alex Woods

(Some reinforcements along this line of thinking:  Michio Kaku: Is God a Mathematician?)

It is humbling to understand how small we are and our lives, fleeting, in universal scale.  But that is not my main point here.  It is, that every single particle that ever existed in the universe for a "tiny fraction of an instant" contributed to the development of the universe and our world as we know it now.

We are not the only ones important.  Everything else is, too. This circle of life rests upon a delicate balance, that only we have the power to maintain or tip over.

Time

“His life had become simple and uncluttered, and when you're living life like that, I think time can seem to stretch on forever. Matters only change when you start fretting about all the things yo need to get done. The more stuff you try to force into it, the less accommodating time becomes.”

The Universe versus Alex Woods

I am my God's creation.

I am just as obsessive and compulsive as He is, wanting everything to be perfect.  But, whereas God has eternity, in this life, I have only a "tiny fraction of an instant".  So, I overloaded it with a host of lists and to-do's.  Afterall, life is short and I have to accomplish all of these things.  I had planned my days down to the very last second.

The past years, though, I realized that my plans and to-do's do not always line up against God's design.  As a result, I ran into and pushed against walls, and it had been terribly frustrating.

I realized, that following God's will required a lot of fluidity, flexibility and faith.  It meant being choiceful and taking out the clutter of trivial pursuits.  It meant being open to changes of plans to allow His plan to unfold.  It meant trusting, that all the wrong turns and mistakes will lead us to where we should be when we should be.

When we live each day this way, we realize that time isn't short; that there is no need to run; and that there is ample time to live.  This way it's less stressful (and reduces the chances of cancer ... seriously!).

So ... What will you do with your "tiny fraction of an instant"?


From Today's Readings

Psalm 27:13-14
"I believe that I shall see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage; be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord."

GOSPEL: Matthew 9:29-30
"Then he touched their eyes and said, 'Let it be done for you according to your faith.' And their eyes were opened."

Poetic Dose: Missed Signals

She sat with a friend
at the far end of the room;
He waved at her
then grabbed a beer

From across the room

"Make your move,"
she thought;
"Give me a sign,"
he thought.

After an hour

"I should go,"
she said;
"See you around,"
he said.

She walked away
as he watched;
Then she looked back
as he turned away.

Poetic Dose: Across My Universe

nothing or no one can
turn your world upside down,
burst your impregnable bubble,
steer your course into a different direction,
or shift your universe ... 
the way a child does ---
wonderfully
irrevocably.


ACROSS THE UNIVERSE - By Rufus Wainwright

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai Guru Deva OM

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe
Jai Guru Deva OM

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on, across the universe
Jai Guru Deva OM

Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Poetic Doses: Restless Insomnia Nights

If I can avert a storm from its path,
I can surely calm the storm raging within your heart.

***
gift

little girl, little girl, don't cry
it will only hurt for awhile.
come, now, come; let us,
together, rock the pain away.

what is it you clutch
so tightly against your chest?
come, now, come; let us,
together, pry those hands open.

little girl, little girl, don't cry
open these tightly clenched fists.
come, now, come; let us,
together, let this button go.

little girl, little girl, don't cry
see, in this little box are your true gifts.
come, now, come; let us,
together, set free what's been waiting for you.

***
i am ready

some old habits are hard to break
but i am, finally, breaking free of you ...

finally, i am ready
to mourn you;
for eyes, washed with tears,
to see you for who you are;
for heart, unlocked,
to be unburdened of you;
for feet, on level ground,
to walk resolutely away.

finally, i am ready
to be loved;
beheld by eyes
that see me fully;
safe within the heart
that will cherish me;
dancing with feet
that will walk with me all my life.

finally, i am ready
to take flight;
to love, heart wide open,
unguarded.

and he will be there.
he
will be
here.

***
fool

what use is there
in letting your heart get broken
over and over and over
again?

what fool is there
who walks into a torture chamber
with eyes wide open
dancing?

only me
only for you
only then
but never again.

Reflection on Readings / Bigger Bear Series: What I Learned from "Storks"

 I like watching animated movies, which I consider modern day storybooks.  And I am grateful for the army of storytellers (armed with pens, inks, colors and sounds - in all forms) who work together, investing blood, sweat and tears into every production.  I honor you all!

For me, each animated movie is a wonderful work of art.  If a picture paints a thousand words, an animated film speaks volumes by enabling us to put down our guards just enough to reach into the depths of our souls.

"Storks" was no different.

So, what did I learn from it? A lot.  Summed up in five words:  Choices, Consequences, Hopefulness, Patience and Unstoppability.

• It's not easy making the right Choices all the time because ...

• We are given to selfishness.  Jasper fell inlove with baby Tulip that he wanted to keep her for himself.
• Society's wisdom and values are folly to God.  Hunter thought it was more profitable to just deliver objects and gadgets.  But the storks' true calling is to deliver babies! He also thought it was wise to fire Tulip.
• We are scared to make a stand.  Junior did not feel it right to fire Tulip, so he made a compromise by weaving a lie.

That is why we should always pray ...

Psalm 119:66

Teach me wisdom and knowledge, for in your commands I trust.

Psalm 119:125

I am your servant; give me discernment that I may know your decrees.

• For each choice, there is a Consequence and it does not just impact us ...

• Jasper's clouded judgement resulted to Tulip's beacon being broken, so she could not be delivered to her family.
• Hunter's decision made the Storks more profitable, but it also resulted to incomplete families around the world.
• Junior's web of lie spun out of control. We all know lies do that, so I won't expound anymore. Watch the movie (if you haven't) for an actual illustration of how bad a lie can get.

But each consequence is not as much a punishment as it is a lesson that points us to the right direction.

Psalm 119:71
It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn your statutes.
Job 42:5-6
I had heard of you by word of mouth, but now my eye has seen you. 6 Therefore I disown what I have said, and repent in dust and ashes.

• One choice does not define us.  It's the consolidation of all our choices (and, mind you, they're not all right) that do. Not all consequences are permanent.  And, even for those that are, there is always a way to make it right. Nothing is hopeless.  Choose to believe and remain Hopeful by allowing God to show you what He sees - that people can (positively) surprise you.
• Against all odds, Jasper looked for the pieces of the beacon.  And even when he couldn't find the final piece, he decided to make it right by offering to be Tulip's family.
• Nate's belief planted a seed of hope in his parents' hearts, that perhaps they would get stork baby delivery.
• Tulip remained hopeful that she would find her family.
• Junior, amidst all the mishaps, remained hopeful till the end that he would be able to deliver the baby to her parents.

Luke 10:23
Turning to the disciples in private he said, “Blessed are the eyes that see what you see.

• Some things take time to fix.  Some lessons take time to learn. "Stay the course" (Margaret, Once). Be Patient.
• It took 18 years for Jasper to have the opportunity to complete the delivery of Tulip to her family.
• Things never went as planned or within the target timelines, but Junior and Tulip eventually got to deliver the baby to the Gardner family.
• Tulip's parents didn't get the baby they wanted when they wanted it, but they did not stop living.  Then Tulip came, eighteen years later, but at the right time - because it had to be after she made all the mistakes that led to Storks going back to delivering babies.
• Don't stop, because God's Will (and the graces and blessings that go with it) is Unstoppable.  It will come.

Job 42:2

I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be hindered.

Job 42:12

Thus the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his earlier ones.

Job 42:17

Then Job died, old and full of years.

Who would've have thought I'd learn so much from a children's animated film, huh? Just goes to show, that sometimes we find what we're looking for in the least likely places, when we least expect them. So, if you haven't found your "flock" (or whatever it is you're looking for) yet, remain hopeful because the happy ending (the bigger bear!) God has written for you is unstoppable.

Poetic Dose: Chances

CHANCES

The room held
You
Me;

And all the words
Unspoken
In between;

Vast empty space
Shrinking
In the screaming silence;

So close
Just barely touching
Unyielding;

Farewell
And the moment passes
Lost to us forever.

Bigger Bear Series: Love, Like Driftwood

One of the perks of working for a multinational company is the chance to go on business trips.  These trips give me a chance to more affordably visit family (and friends) from various parts of the world. Most recently, I stopped by my cousin's in LA.  I was hoping for a quick Grand Canyon trip, but there are more important things than checking off bucket lists - like catching up on the past 10 million years of our lives and rekindling my childhood faith in storybook romances.

My realizations:

• The weekend was grossly insufficient for all the catching up we need to do.  I definitely have to go back.
• I grew up worshiping the ground my cousin walked on.  She was, to me, the epitome of class and sophistication. Several years later, she has maintained that air of sophisticated grace while going about daily ordinary tasks.
• As a child, I thought to myself, "when I grow up, I would want to be just like her". Fast forward to today and "sophisticated" is the last word anyone would think to describe me. BUT, I realized, that what drew me to her was the fact that we are alike in so many ways:  OC (wanting everything to be perfect), strict sense of decorum, respect for authority, strong but submissive, big on maintaining composure at all times, perpetually in a dilemma between expressing love and holding back for fear of spoiling the beloved. (Yes, we are both highly complex individuals - perhaps a little crazy in the head, too).

But my most important takeaways from the weekend revolve around the love within her beautiful family:

• The family that prays together, stays together. They do!  And they're rock solid.
• Love conquers everything ... even 3 completely different individuals.  My cousin, her husband and their daughter couldn't be more eclectic.  But they mesh really well, like fruit cocktail. Thanks to the amazing syrup, called Love. (Yeah, I agree, cheesy analogy)
• For every man is a woman who is his True North.  Through the years (and girlfriends), my cousin-in-law found himself compelled to: (1) check in on my cousin time and again; (2) keep her as benchmark against whom every girl had to measure up to; (3) admit to himself (and, to some extent, his ex-girlfriends) that he simply cannot reciprocate their affections because his heart remained bound to her. And, so, he put a ring on it (my cousin's finger, in case that wasn't obvious).
• The rest are affirmations of last month's reflections (I Am LoveSick):

1. Every now and then we need some breathing room.  Sometimes the other room works; sometimes it needs to be farther.  Sometimes counting to five is enough, sometimes it needs a much longer time.  
2. Timing is crucial.  If your life stages are not in sync, it will be like fitting a square peg into a round hole.  Don't force anything now.  When the time is right for both of you, it will be as if stars aligning.  
3. Life is a ball.  When a partner decides to move on to the next partner, don't skip that beat.  Dance with your next partner.  Just keep dancing.  Sometimes you circle back into each other's arms.  Sometimes you stumble into the arms of the one, who will want to walk with you through the gardens for the rest of the evening.

A toast from a Hallmark movie, "Surprised By Love", summarizes it perfectly:

" ... the tide may have taken you here or there, but true love - like driftwood - reinvents itself and stands the test of time.  To Love, may it always find its way."

I was so moved by what I witnessed over the weekend, that these words just came tumbling through my head as I watched the sunset during my flight ...

In solitude

My heart calls for you

And you come

In whispers, yes,

But you come

Always

Although

Never enough

Each time I am left

Wanting

Craving always

More

Let it end!

Must it end?

Poetic Doses: MSP, Plane Thoughts

Poetic Doses: Cafe Window, North Star

Cafe Window

With a start he realizes
Love breathes

In the deepest recesses of his heart;

And it wakens,
Roaring back to life,
With just a fleeting vision of her
After so many years

Through the cafe window.

North Star

He joined the old man on the rock ledge.

Through the tobacco smoke, he stared up at the North Star ...

"You never told me," he began.

"What do you mean?", the old man asked.

"You said, 'for every man is a woman who will be his true North' ..."

The old man puffed, waiting.

"You never said she would be exactly like the North Star ...

always within sight, but painfully just out of reach."

His grandfather looked at him intently, 

then at the house 

and through the porch window,

where she was painting ---

oblivious to the observers

and

the heart that beats for her.

I Am LoveSick

This is not a review of the play. I am no authority on the rudiments and technicalities, so I won't go there.

BUT I would recommend it to everyone, because it presents the realities of relationships in the same way that sugar makes it easy to swallow a bitter pill.  I recommend it to everyone, because everyone needs to look in the mirror, truly see themselves and recognize the work-in-progress --- who is far from perfect, but also far better than the first draft.  I recommend it to everyone, because each relationship is a dance with another work-in-progress --- who may not always be the version compatible to the current version of YOU.

That said, I shall move on to the heart of this blog:  The part which struck me most, the final act which tied in all the other acts.  Specifically, this line:  "Why doesn't anyone ever call it destiny ... [when you end up alone]?"

It triggered a barrage of "a-ha!'s" and a realization that I am LoveSick.  It's a barrage, so bear with me as I try to articulate all of them as best as I can.

1. Every now and then we need some breathing room.  Sometimes the other room works; sometimes it needs to be farther.  Sometimes counting to five is enough, sometimes it needs a much longer time.  
2. Timing is crucial.  If your life stages are not in sync, it will be like fitting a square peg into a round hole.  Don't force anything now.  When the time is right for both of you, it will be as if stars aligning.  
3. Life is a ball.  When a partner decides to move on to the next partner, don't skip that beat.  Dance with your next partner.  Just keep dancing.  Sometimes you circle back into each other's arms.  Sometimes you stumble into the arms of the one, who will want to walk with you through the gardens for the rest of the evening.
4. Remember your name.  Do not allow yourself to get lost in everyday trivial things nor allow your relationships to define you.  You are important, too.  Relationships are meant to expand, not restrict.  Also, be wary of the tendency to restrict yourself and blaming other people for your self-inflicted misery.
5. Alone times are our destiny. Life is a solo journey.  We come into the world alone.  And we leave it alone.   Therefore, alone times are, actually, normal. Those are your lucid intervals, when you see and understand things more clearly.  Afterall, hindsight is always 20/20. 
6. Someone loved you first. Allow Him to show you the beauty of your lights and shadows together - through His looking glass. Revel in His love and  allow yourself to love YOU (buy yourself a self-love ring!). 
7. All we need is Love.  Only when you've learned to love yourself are you better able to give love and accept the love coming your way (or has been knocking at your door).

Finally, when your stars have aligned, Love is a decision.  In whatever form it may be, it is a decision you need to make. Every. Single. Day.  

Make no mistake, it takes a LOT of grace (between gritted teeth).  So, pray.

Poetic Dose: Morning Dew

Morning Dew

I enjoy mornings like this,
when everything is bright and yawning awake
with the morning dew
like a fresh layer of tears ...

"I cried for you," she said,
looking at me for the first time.
I turned to her, puzzled,
my eyes searching hers as she looked back to the fields.
"I'm not oblivious.  I'm an artist.  I feel everything --- intensely ...
Love, especially."

I had no words, just morning dew upon my cheeks,
as I watched her walk away from me
forever.

Reflection on Readings / Bigger Bear Series: A Weekend of Fire

This weekend was all about FIRE.

It was the opening week of "Ignacio De Loyola".  We were urged by friends from the community not to wait for the weekend to watch, since movies like this sometimes do not make it to the weekend due to low turnout.  We've been waiting for this, so we decided to carve out time for it.

My sister was supposed to watch with me and my son.  She even bought the tickets herself via SureSeats.  But she had to finish some work, so my Mom went with us.

A:  "Mom, is it Lola's first time?"
Me: "First time ... ?"
A:  "First time to watch a movie"

My son's 11 years old.  He doesn't remember my Mom ever watching a movie.  That's how long it's been since she last stepped into a cinema ... and we feel blessed watching "Ignacio De Loyola" together.

I felt bad my sister wasn't able to join us for the movie because it was highly relevant to where we both stand in our lives right now. BUT she came with me to the Parents' Recollection at CFA and it was just as good ... because both revolved around the same theme:  Fire.

There are 3 Aspects of God's Fire:

1. Refiner's Fire
2. Heart on Fire
3. One Match

REFINER'S FIRE

1st Reading
Ecclesiastes 1:2; 2:21-23
"Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!"

"Ignacio De Loyola" starts off with the forging of the saint's sword in fire. This was symbolic of the difficult purification he had to undergo later in life, its depiction in the movie was a blend of Christ's temptation and agony in the garden.  I imagine the inner turmoil is similar for each of us whenever we are tested; and the same anguish at realizing that we once again gave in to our weaknesses. At the end of it God's voice echoed in his heart, "You are forgiven."  So are we.  Each time.

During his inquisition, Ignacio's journal was submitted for scrutiny.  In it, he chronicled the constant struggle against vanity and his regular exercises of checking his intentions - does he do things for God's glory or his?

Homeschooling is not easy.  There are good days and bad days.  And, sometimes, the good days are too few and too far in between.  On those days, Monster Mom makes frequent appearances and I torture myself with deprecating self-talk - totally deserved.  I apologize to my son (and he apologizes, too) and he forgives me, saying, "Let's try again, Mama".  Each time.

As a homeschooling parent, I have the tendency to equate my son's academic success or failure to my success or failure as parent.  I constantly need to ground myself on my reason for homeschooling:  my son.  It's not about me.  It's about him entirely.  I should respect my son's pace and capabilities.  No comparison and no rushing (as much as the deadlines permit) In the same way, I need to recognize my own capabilities and capacities as well.  It is okay to ask for help.

From Refiner's Fire
"Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within"

HEART ON FIRE

2nd Reading
Colossians 3:1-5, 9-11
"... you have taken off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed, for knowledge, in the image of its creator."

Responsorial Psalm

Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain wisdom of heart. "

After his purification, Ignacio emerged a new person, his heart burning with the desire to do God's will. During his retreat at Manresa, he developed (or started to) his spiritual exercises, which detailed techniques in deciphering God's will - both in simple and difficult situations in life.  These daily exercises help keep the heart on fire and serve as compass to walk our God-ordained paths.

Our first speakers, Bro. Raul and Sister Hedi, talked about their lives as homeschooling parents in a foreign country, Thailand. They shared 5 key things that enabled them to sustain homeschooling and successful family life, which also help keep hearts on fire:

1. Prayer and Scripture.  They prescribe daily morning and evening prayers with Scripture reading. These are integral in discerning God's will - not just for major decisions, but in daily seemingly trivial decisions as well.  Morning prayers help set the tone for the day, while evening prayers afford us a chance to review what happened the entire day and examine our hearts.
2. Eucharist.  The Eucharist is the highest form of prayer.  We should try to attend Mass as often as possible - not just on Sundays.  It is a highly recommended cure for times of difficulties, heartaches (whatever kind it is) and discernment.
3. The Holy Spirit.  He is the Helper who provides us with the graces we need to go through life --- Love, most of all ... and "Love is the essence of peace."  It is God's Love that keeps our hearts burning.
4. Family Life.  The most effective venue for building relationships within the family is through meal times.  Spending meal time with our love ones keeps both our bodies and spirits healthy.
5. Community Life.  The community provides much-needed support in times of difficulties, as well as, enable spiritual growth and formation.

Take and Receive
"Take and receive, O Lord, my liberty
Take all my will, my mind, my memory
All things I hold and all I own are Thine
Thine was the gift, to Thee I all resign

Do Thou direct and govern all and sway
Do what Thou wilt, command, and I obey
Only Thy grace, Thy love on me bestow
These make me rich, all else will I forego."

ONE MATCH

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14, 17
"Fill us at daybreak with your kindness, that we may shout for joy and gladness all our days."

Gospel
Luke 12:13-21
"But God said to him, ‘You fool, this night your life will be demanded of you; and the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong?’ Thus will it be for the one who stores up treasure for themselves but are not rich in what matters to God.”

When Ignacio left for his scholarship in France, his cousin, Calixto, said (something similar), "May you set more souls on fire."  We are in this world to do God's will.  It is easy to get distracted or lost in the concerns of daily life and society's constant focus on success.  But what really is success?  We often find ourselves striving for what society defines as successful, when we really should focus on successfully delivering against God's plans for us.  Each person was brought into this world for a reason.  And it is never for himself/herself.  It is always to touch another soul/s and make God's love more palpable for that person/s.

As a homeschooling mom, the primary person whose life I touch is my son's.  If I will make good use of my one match, it should be in making an explosion in the life of my son so that he becomes a bigger fire through whom more people's hearts are set on fire.

A beautiful and noble cause - sounds poetic and easy written down like this.  I wish it were so.  As Bro. Alvin Barcelona aptly pointed out, "Love is a decision ... a decision we need to make daily with deliberate doables." Relationships, afterall, if left alone, eventually fizzle out.

He recommends 4T's [in relation to relationship with God] :

1. Talk [Prayer].  Communication = Articulating + Listening.  It's a two-way street.  It's not communication if only one person is talking while the other one listens.  That's a sermon.
2. Text [God's Word].  Leverage on current technologies to stay in touch.  Go the extra mile and use old-school methodology of handwritten notes/letters.
3. Table [Eucharist].  Regularly schedule (table) activities with the family and with individual members of the family.
4. Tag/Touch [Community]. "We need at least 7 hugs a day".  Physical touch  or show of affection is essential to human relationships.  I don't think this needs to be explained, but it's often taken for granted.  It also means expand beyond your own family and touch other people's lives.

 And these are held together by the most important T:  TIME.

Sometimes, in my zeal to help develop my son into the best version of himself, I pick at every single flaw in his manners, character, academic and non-academic works.  Bro. Bo Sanchez calls this:  Over-parenting (cue in nudge paired with tongue-sticking-out from my sister).  How do I avoid this?

• See.  Visualize what I want for my child, but not too specific.  Let it be God's will for him.  Then, translate this into prayer said out loud, so that he is also able to visualize this for himself.  Let it be a prayer of gratitude, which is one of the most powerful forms of prayers --- because it exhibits faith and trust that He will deliver.
• Sow.  Sow through action:  Spending time and loving unconditionally, regardless of how many times I have had to explain that Math concept.  I should do everything to help enable the God's vision or dream for him
• Surrender. This is the key to preventing over-parenting.  Surrender everything to God.  Release all worries to Him, sit back, and let Him do His work.

We've heard it said, a parent's job is never done.  BUT it changes through time. These are the three hats we wear, according to Bro. Bo:

• Controller.  While the kids are young, we wear the Controller hat, making sure that our children's needs are taken cared of and laying down the foundational values (by constantly telling them what to do and what not to do - hehe!) that build into their character.
• Coach.  From 11 years old, we switch to the Coach hat.  This is is when we move into the box off-field.  This means, we stand in the sidelines and let them experience life, put into practice what we taught them. Let them feel the pain and consequences of their actions.  And, then, we call them back for a huddle and reinforcement of what we taught them. No nagging.
• Consultant. Then, when they are all grown, we give up the Coach hat for the Consultant hat.  This means we let them live their lives as they deem fit without contradicting or condemning.  In fact, we should respect their decisions (and trust that we taught them the right values) and don't say anything until we are asked or consulted.

From Fight Song

"Like a small boat

On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion"