Mary's Tapestry of Love

"God ordains everything, including painful and difficult moments, for the good of those who love Him."

This was the introduction to today's 2nd Reading. 

Excerpt from 2nd Reading - Romans 8:28-30

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

This reminded me of something I noted on my phone.  It was a line from Mama Mary's Blue Book that my family reads during prayer time: 

"Your whole life has been a tapestry of my love."  

Anton asked me why I decided to make a note of it on my phone.  I said, because it is a truth of my life.  Every bad thing that has come my way has turned into some form of blessing.  And then I lost him 2 weeks later.

On the night we laid him to rest, I was writing down another note on my phone when I saw it.  I broke down in painful inconsolable sobs.  "How is losing my son part of this tapestry of love?" I asked.  And the floodgates of resentments came pouring out.  "Why my beautiful boy?"  "What have I done to deserve this?"  "Am I an unworthy mother?" "He prayed to you everyday until his very last night!" "You answered his pettiest prayers, but you turned your back on him when it mattered most" "How is this a blessing?" "Is this what it means to be under your tutelage?"

Her response was:

1. It is God's Will.
2. Yes.  Something good will come from this.
3. I have walked this way.  And I am walking with you now.

I calmed down some.  She lost her son, too.  He was betrayed, tortured and crucified for our salvation -- and she bore the pain of witnessing it all. Then I argued, "You at least knew what you were getting into and signed up for it.  You said, YES."  That is not technically true, though.  She knew He was the Savior.  She knew her heart was going to be pierced by a sword.  But she did not know He would die or the magnitude of the pain she would have to live through.

I then argued back, "You only had Black Saturday to live through and then it was Easter Sunday."  Yes, Jesus showed Himself in tangible form for a few days, but He went back to the Father. And Mama Mary remained to guide and support the new Church. 

As my friend, Monica (Tita Adele), told me, "Game over.  Mission Accomplished na si Anton".  During his final months, while we were locked up, the family witnessed his transformation through prayer, constant questions on the Catholic Faith and the daily effort to follow Christ's teachings.  I realized, in the same way that Jesus' mission was accomplished after His resurrection, Anton had accomplished his mission here on Earth.   And in the same way that Mama Mary carried on to fulfill her motherhood role to the new Church, so I must carry on and move forward towards God's plans for me (although I don't really know what yet).  

The road ahead is definitely not easy.  The scope and depth of my loss is still expanding with a steadily growing list of "firsts without Anton" that pierce my heart each day.  But I take comfort that Mama Mary has walked this way and is holding my hand through this difficult road; holding fast to her tapestry of love; trusting fully in His promise that all things work for good.  Plus, I have the most amazing support system in my family and friends whose tapestry of love and prayers I feel strongly despite the constraints of COVID19.

P.S.

Be careful what you pray for.  This was my daily prayer for Anton as part of our Intentions list:

May Anton grow in godly wisdom and love, harnessing his gifts that he may serve as a true Jedi Knight of Christ; may he find the love that God has planned for him and me he love truly, faithfully, honestly -- God first, family second and humanity as a whole.  May he be selfless; pure of heart, mind and soul.

In true Jedi form, he is now one with The Force.

Joy of Swimming Alone

I used to write down conversations with A when he was younger. They either cracked me up or touched my heart.

This was a conversation with 6-year old A (December 23, 2011) that has taken on a new meaning ...

A: Mom, did you swim in Vietnam after work?

Me: No. I didn't have time, plus I want to swim with you.

A: But you should swim by yourself, Mom. In Palawan I swimmed (swam) by myself and I'm still happy. You will be happy, too.

(From my #Antonisms archives)

Poetic Doses: Month 1 without my Rainbow Prince

Bangle from Aika and Em

I do not fear darkness

Nor shadows that creep;

I fear the silence;

The throbbing absence.

***

Oh, for even just the briefest moment

Take me back to that one day

When my heart was sure and at peace

The day you came home to me.

***

I am tempest

I am storm

I wield fire with my rod

I will not be calm

I shall rage

Until you fathom the depths of

My pain.

***

Time is circular

Your life beginning

Where we must end

In an eternal dance

I love you

Never

Forever

Always.

***

For what is death

If it meant

A moment

In her embrace?

***

Waiting?

Or searching?

I do not know anymore;

But I am rooted where I stand

Until I find the courage

Until I am compelled 

   to finally move.

***

Mary, Mary, not so merry

Her poppin' heart popped into smitherins.

***

As the world sleeps, I stay awake

After his whirlwind, a vacuum in his wake

Dreams of walking with giants and finding his niche

All flew with the wind, at the bud nipped

Hiding for days, up upon a cloud not near or far

This will take more than a spoonful of sugar.

***

These days I carry you with me

with

A lump in my throat

A knot in my stomach

And a boulder on my chest.

***

Art by:  Melissa Villasenor

My Little Prince

Star of my galaxy

My life's heartbeat

Reason for being

Keep strutting my way

My Jedi Guardian

Sweet angel over my shoulder.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

Before dawn's break

She came

And carrying him upon her bosom

Flew home towards the Sun.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

I feel its tug under the current

I close my eyes in surrender

And then I hear a thousand whispers

Prayers echoing in the darkness

Until the lightness embraced me

And I emerged just above these high waters.

***

Chasing Stars (v2)

darkness engulfs the vast sky

just moments after the sun's parade;

and it grows with every heartbeat

until the emptiness seems absolute;

the pain, wrenching,

from a beloved irrevocably lost;

then, with a blink, pinpricks of light ---

they appear in silent succession;

the constricting darkness gives way to

a boundless bejeweled sky;

and I --- I fall into its quiet embrace

of endless possibilities;

this is where I will remain,

embracing the darkness, chasing stars;

as I await the promise

of my inevitable new dawn.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

Take me here sometime

Halfway between

where you are

and where I am.

I promise I will laugh

at your every silly antic

If you promise to hold me

when the sobs bubble up.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

Without you ...

The same world

Just devoid of color

And a sky

perpetually heavy with rain clouds.

Taken from Internet

My Little Rainbow Prince

Anton is my Little Prince.  He came into my life in much the same way as the Little Prince landed on earth.

“Out of nowhere you came;

From a little dust and a little rain;

And when I looked down at your face:

It showed to me the Truth and Grace.”

The first word Anton spoke to me was “Mama”.  With that one word, he chose me and breathed meaning into my life. It was the moment I truly came alive.  Before him, I was just rolling along.

Because of him, Ina and I discovered fun things to do during weekends vs. just staying cooped up in our rooms with a good book. 

Because of him, I rekindled my patriotism and curiosity for our history.  His first hero was Lapu-Lapu. When he was 3 years old, he stood up on the bed in the middle of the night and posed like the Lapu-Lapu statue found in one of Makati’s busy intersections.  But his true hero was Andres Bonifacio.  So, you can just imagine how upset he was when they published a movie on Emilio Aguinaldo.

Because of him, I learned to be a bit more friendly. 

Anton came brimming with life and a thirst for interaction – something I shied away from.  He makes friends with servers of restaurants we frequent.  He knows them by name and they know him. I remember there was this one time we wanted to eat at Friday’s but there was a long queue.  He saw Ate Zarah and waved at her.  The next thing we knew we were seated. 

In my office, he would make the rounds across the different floors whenever I brought him to visit.  He became so famous, that one day I was interviewing with another manager I haven’t worked with yet.  He looked at me and said, “You’re Gem, Anton’s mom, right?”. My son was more famous than me in my own office!

Oh, and I also got called into my Associate Director’s office one time.  Apparently, my son talked to him about a very serious matter.  And that was how my Development Plan included an Action Plan to find a father. (Obviously, I failed that one).

 

 Because of him, I learned punctuality.  He is my cuckoo clock with snooze.  The night before he would ask me if I have a meeting or an appointment.  Whenever I do, he wakes me up and then comes back every 10 minutes to make sure I am up.  He gets really anxious when I am about to be late.

Because of him, I learned diversity and inclusion.  He was in the spectrum – both autism and gender identity. It was not easy. We had a lot of struggles, especially during homeschooling days.  And, when puberty and the crazy hormones hit, it felt like a restart button.  He craved for all forms of interaction and was doing everything to belong and be accepted by peers. I saw his struggle to understand his thoughts and feelings and how to articulate them.  During this phase, I am grateful he was brave and trusted us and special friends with them.

Anton struggled with social cognition.  And, yet, when it comes to people he loves, he was so attuned that he could anticipate our needs.  He takes one look at me and knows that something is troubling me.  He knows when Lola is upset or when Auntie Ina needs space or when Auntie Aika needs help with the kids (or her pretty bags).  He is the best Kuya in the world, especially his cousins; always attentive and giving in to what they want.

For Anton, everything was black or white.  There is no middle ground.  This means, when he believes you are good, he is blind to your faults.  When he believes you are “bad”, he tends to be blind to your merits. This made him prone to being taken-advantaged of, as well as, being a “bitch”.  He gets really upset when Ate Gina does not follow Lolo’s or Lola’s instructions; and he tells her so.  It took a lot of sermons and movie processing for him to understand human frailty and the concept/value of kindness, but he did get it in the end. During his final weeks, he became beshies (bestfriends) with the nanny and made a habit of saying “Good morning” to Ate Gina and asking how her day has been.

Anton was gender fluid or agnostic, which, for me, simply means he sees the soul and not the gender.  He used to say, “She’s so beautiful, Mom!” or “Mom, he’s handsome” about random people we meet.  It got to a point when I said “Lahat naman sa’yo maganda or guapo eh” (Everyone’s beautiful or handsome for you).  But it’s because he sees the soul.

Because of him, I learned thoughtfulness and the love language of service.  Every meal time, he would be the last person to start eating because he makes sure that Lolo and Lola have water and that everyone’s choice of “sawsawan” (dipping sauce) is on the table.  He would also be the last one to finish, because as soon as we are done eating, he would get up and ask “who wants coffee?”; and proceed to make coffee.

Whenever anyone of us came home, he would be at the door ready to help carry bags and what-not into the house.

Until the end, even when he was in terrible pain, he still thought about everyone else. He changed his sheets, because we were doing laundry the following day.  He refilled the water pitcher for toothbrushing.  He insisted to sleep beside me, one final time. And left “Easter egg” messages in his phone and IG.

To quote one:

“Find peace in it.  Find strength and solace in it, throughout the dark days of COVID19.  We are given the opportunity to stay together as a family, to pray and spend time together.”

I know COVID19 has been a source of suffering for most people, but it has been a blessing for me.  Because of it, I was able to spend my son’s final months with him, 24/7.  The entire family grew closer, worked and prayed together. During this time, we were able to have difficult conversations and understood more profoundly how deeply we all loved each other; although our love languages may be different.  Had COVID19 not happened, I would likely be travelling.

His bond with and devotion to his little cousin, G, was out-of-this world; and vice versa. On his final day, when all the grown-ups were blind to it, G knew; and she was there for him, giving him the comfort and strength he needed to endure his final test – because of which, I believe, he gained a speed pass to Heaven.  I swear, it is as if they actually shared this secret and prepared for it together.  Anton and I promised not to keep secrets from each other, but this one, he shielded me from.

Most people who know our story say how lucky Anton is to have me as his mom; that I am God’s blessing to him.  In truth, Anton is God’s greatest gift to me.  This child who never ceased to see life with wide-eyed wonder took me through the craziest most awesome ride of my life.  He pulled me out of my shell and expanded me well beyond my perceived limits. 

I thought I was the rose to Anton’s Little Prince.  But it turns out, I was just the fox that he tamed or the pilot who gets to tell his story.

So, on this day, as we lay him to rest, I surrender knowing …

“Nagmula sa’Yo ang lahat ng ito

Muli kong handog sa’Yo

Patunbayan Mo’t paghariang lahat

Ayon sa kalooban mo”

(All these came from You

I offer them back to You

Guide and reign over them

According to Your Will)

I love you, Pong, to heaven and back!