As I Color The "Don't Control Your Lines & Colors" Doodle by Teektura

I started this project 20 days ago, deciding to follow exactly what the doodle piece said, "Don't control your lines and colors.  Let them be."

I quickly realized it would be a challenge.

10 minutes later, I was still staring at the page, trying to make sense of the entire picture and nowhere near deciphering it.  Needless to say, I had not laid a single color on the page.

Pathetic.

So, mustering all my courage, I picked up the color yellow ... because I could make sense that the "Y" was a pencil. And, after some self-talk, I tried to just pick up any pencil and color away.

But, then, a part of me still needed a general direction or vision; a meaning to it all.  I can't just roll with it aimlessly.

Perhaps it's personality.  Who knows.  Anyway ...

I thought, there's no logic to the entire picture, so I started making sense of some small sections and defining the others.  I derived fulfillment completing those sections, one after the other.  The next thing I knew, I had colored most of the distinguishable doodles on the page.

I straightened up and, then, I finally saw an overall picture (which I won't reveal. hehe!).  I was happy with it.  I knew then how to complete it.  And I excitedly proceeded to execute.

While working on the finishing touches, I found out that I cannot completely stick to how I envisioned to finish it.  I had to make some "artistic" judgement calls.

But, when I was finished, I was very happy with the outcome.  It turned out really nice! (Note: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you don't need to agree with me).

Life, I guess, is pretty much the same way.  Nobody really knows the full picture. Small sections of it are revealed to us as we move through life and we do our best to live those sections in vibrant color.  At times, there are sections that just don't make sense.  It is up to us to define those sections and bring out the best colors and images possible.

Then, later on, we will see how wonderfully all these small sections come together into a beautiful and meaningful montage.

The key is not to over-analyze and petrify yourself. Just get started.  Then allow things to unfold in their own pace and reveal themselves in their own time.

It will all come together.

And it will be a breathtaking piece.  Promise.

Reflection on Readings: Don't Give Up on Us ... Habang May Buhay (While There is Life) - Part II, Updated

(My sister was kind enough to tell me the 3rd classification - God, the 7-11, from Fr. Assistant-Parish-Priest. I considered just leaving it be, but it's pretty relevant ... so, now, there are 4 types: 3 from the priest and 1 innovative type from me - which I dub, God, the Judge) 

The assistant parish priest in our parish gave a well-prepared (and entertaining) homily last Sunday, which rounded up the readings quite well.  It's not rocket science.  It may not even be entirely new.  But definitely worth brushing up on and a good reminder for most of us.

Fr. Assistant-Parish-Priest (boo me for not knowing his name!) classified our view of the God we pray to into 3 types and I've added 1 more:
(DISCLAIMER:  I didn't get to take down notes, so will explain the concepts in my own way.  For those who were at the same Mass, don't kill me for not getting it 100% perfect ... but shall do my best and add in my own flavors)

1. God, the Waiter.  We come to Him in prayer with a litany of things we want from Him, expecting Him to serve everything we ask for in a silver platter.  And, when He doesn't give us exactly what we want when we want them, we complain, "God is not answering my prayer!"  My dear, He answers all prayers.  It's just that not all are "Yes" - because not everything we want is good for us (one of my "wise" mommy lines); some are "No" because He is saving you from a disaster or He has something better in store (something so much better you didn't even think to add it into your list); some are "Not now" because there is a time for everything and He is waiting for "favorable conditions", so that, when He finally gives it to you, you are ready and are able to receive it in its fullness.
2. God, the ATM.  We expect that if we "deposit" a lot of good works, then we can make "withdrawals" anytime, anywhere for absolutely anything.  We feel entitled, that we grumble like a brat whenever God doesn't grant us our wishes. We throw back at Him our good deeds, expecting something in return.  God's graces are not rewards nor are they bought.  Grace comes from the Latin "gratis", which means it's "free"!  The graces and blessings He pours on us are given because they are exactly what we need, not deserve.  If God uses the currency of "what-you-deserve" on us, we won't get anything.
3. God, the 7-11.  Much like our trips to 7-11, we don't go to God as often --- only when we are desperate.  He is our last resort.  When all our tactics don't pan out, when we've knocked on too many doors that won't open to us --- that's the only time we go to God for help.  But that should not be the case.  He should be our go-to guy.  If only we'd "seek Him first" before everything else, then we would save ourselves so much time going through all the wrong turns and reworking the wrong solutions. Going to Him first (whether for help or consultation) is the most efficient strategy ... because it increases our chances of getting it right the first time.
4. God, the Judge.  Sometimes we feel that, when God doesn't grant us our prayers, He is punishing us for not being good.  Contrary to popular belief, God does not keep a record of wrongs.  What for?  When He already died for us? Our sins have their consequences /repercussions and accompanying guilt, which are (trust me) punishment enough.  Those do not come from God.  Those are effects of our actions. He is not exacting, but encouraging, "Get up, brush yourself off and try again."  So, don't give up on yourself ... and on others.  Afterall, we are all works-in-progress, each in our own journey towards the God-envisioned versions of ourselves.    

2nd Reading
Colossians 2:12-14
"Brothers and sisters: You were buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead. And even when you were dead in transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, he brought you to life along with him, having forgiven us all our transgressions; obliterating the bond against us, with its legal claims, which was opposed to us, he also removed it from our midst, nailing it to the cross."

So ... how should we pray?

Just ask ... again and again and again ... persistently.  So long as it's not detrimental for you or anyone else (i.e.  "Please let one of the 1st class passengers miss the flight, so that I get bumped up" - Tsk, tsk, tsk! Shame on you!), God will grant it.

Gospel
Luke 11:1-13
"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

1st Reading
Genesis 18:20-32
"But he still persisted: “Please, let not my Lord grow angry if I speak up this last time. What if there are at least ten there?” He replied, “For the sake of those ten, I will not destroy it.”

Ask like a child, asking his/her Father ... hopeful and with unwavering faith.

GOSPEL ACCLAMATION
"You have received a Spirit of adoption, through which we cry, Abba, Father."

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 138:1-2, 2-3, 6-7, 7-8
R: Lord, on the day I called for help, you answered me.

Ask within the right parameters ... always in line with God's will.

Gospel
Luke 11:1-13
"He said to them, “When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, [your will be done].'

And ask with a grateful heart ... whatever the answer is.  Because whatever it is, it's best.

Responsorial Psalm
Psalm 138:1-2, 2-3, 6-7, 7-8
 "I will give thanks to you, O Lord, with all my heart, for you have heard the words of my mouth; in the presence of the angels I will sing your praise;  I will worship at your holy temple and give thanks to your name. Because of your kindness and your truth; for you have made great above all things your name and your promise. When I called you answered me;"

Reflection on Readings: Don't Give Up on Us ... Habang may Buhay (While There is Life) - Part I

I considered writing some other time, since I desperately need to get my body clock into the right time zone.  But the Sunday readings are too rich and relevant in several fronts, that I doubt I would be able to sleep until I've reigned in the tornado in my head into some form of writing.

1st Reading
Genesis 18:20-32
"In those days, the Lord said: “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great, and their sin so grave, that I must go down and see whether or not their actions fully correspond to the cry against them that comes to me. I mean to find out.” ...
But he still persisted: “Please, let not my Lord grow angry if I speak up this last time. What if there are at least ten there?” He replied, “For the sake of those ten, I will not destroy it.”

More often, this passage is used to talk about God's infinite mercy ... mostly in the context of saving the city for the sake of the ten who are innocent. But something about this passage always "troubled" me. My over-analyzing brain felt I was missing something.  And, after so many years, it finally dawned on me.  Sparing Sodom and Gomorrah (if there are ten innocents), is both an act of mercy and of God's faith in us.

Think about it.  If Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed - innocent and guilty alike - there really wouldn't be any issue for the innocents.  They will eventually go to heaven upon Jesus' resurrection. Sparing the cities was not just for the benefit of the innocents, but, more so, for the guilty. It gives them an opportunity to change.  But why spare the cities only when there are innocents found?  Because God believes in the capacity of the innocents to help the guilty towards the right path. Because He believes, where there is a spark of light, a fire is possible.

"I might have only one match, but I can make an explosion." (Rachel Platten, Fight Song)

Fight Song (including lyrics)

I personally know a number of people who have not only changed, but also went on to become catalysts for change for more people.  And it always, always started with at least one person believing in their capacity to change and walking with them along that difficult road.

• One is a member of our community who got into drugs. With the support, love and faith of his family, close friends and the community, he was able to overcome it.  Now, he is making a difference as a sports coach to young boys and as a pair of eyes behind a lens for capturing special memories.
• One used to be an "inmate" in one of the government facilities for delinquent youths.  A couple we know dedicated their lives into facilitating the psychological rehabilitation program, often acting as "parents" for these youths whose own families have given up on them.  He now has a stable job while still helping out in the program, serving as an example and an inspiration.
• One is a relative who dappled on drugs and went around with the wrong crowd.  One incident almost cost him his life.  At that time, he felt he was incapable of getting out of the deep pit he was in.  There was an outpouring of love and support from family within the country and across other countries.  He completed his education, worked on extra certifications and is a loving and responsible family man.

There are more I know of and, I'm sure, so much more I don't even know of.  Heck!  Most lives of saints are the same way:  really rotten characters, who eventually turned 180 degrees to become great saints.  It took St. Monica 17 years of persistent prayer before St. Augustine became one of the greatest saints and Doctor of the Church.

St. Augustine - Patron of Brewers (read: Alcoholics)

Change is possible.  Change will come ... with proactive support, persistent prayer, time and, most of all, a chance to change.

"I believe that in the battle between guns and ideas, ideas will, eventually, win.  Because the ideas are invisible, and they linger, and, sometimes, they can even be true.
Eppur si muove:  and yet it moves."  

(Neil Gaiman, January 19, 2015 issue of Guardian)

Poetic Dose: Secret Room

Near Light

I was decompressing over doodles and colored pens.  And then it came.  First, the music ... and then a flood of emotions.  I sat up, listening to the music and waited for the flood to subside ... just enough to filter through the emotions and string them together into the closest semblance of coherence.  The final product does not do justice.

But I thank you for letting me into your secret room.  I am irrevocably and wonderfully changed.

Secret Room

it comes in waves ---

sometimes a sudden onslaught 

at times, a gentle wash

but always, always ... slowly ebbing.

it comes in crowded rooms

amidst boisterous laughter; senseless chatter.

it comes in beautiful sunsets

settling heavily at dusk.

it comes in the familiar 

the whisper of a shadow.

it comes in the unfamiliar 

the dream of a hand upon my shoulder.

and, mostly, it comes in solitude

in my secret room

where i search for you,

scream - in silence - for you

for just one last dance

one last embrace

for just one last kiss on my forehead 

...

just one.

Poetic Dose

Artwork:  Faila Sufaan

Rain

i feel it coming

long before it descends

everything is still; anticipating

the silence:  melancholic.

and then it falls

a grand curtain of gray

the world seemingly mourning

as it softly whispers, "pitter, patter."

an elegant adagio

through life and still-life

an old canvass made new

stripped of color.

finally, a playful pirouette

as it gently kisses the parched earth

everything in its wake,

cleansed and breathing ...

... as my heart.

Reflection on Readings: Just Do It!

Last Sunday's readings are both beautiful and embarrassing. Beautiful, because God laid out His desires in a simple and straightforward (read:  idiot-proof) manner.  Beautiful, because He also reassured us that He's got this - everything is in His hands. Embarrassing, because it's so simple it's embarrassing that He had to spell it out for us.

Gospel
Luke 10:25-37
"There was a scholar of the law who stood up to test Jesus and said, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you read it?” He said in reply, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” He replied to him, “You have answered correctly; do this and you will live.”

1st Reading
Deuteronomy 30:10-14
"Moses said to the people: If only you would heed the voice of the Lord, your God, and keep his commandments and statutes that are written in this book of the law, when you return to the Lord, your God, with all your heart and all your soul.  For this command that I enjoin on you today is not too mysterious and remote for you. It is not up in the sky, that you should say, ‘Who will go up in the sky to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?’ Nor is it across the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?’No, it is something very near to you, already in your mouths and in your hearts; you have only to carry it out.”

In both readings God tells us that we already know His will - which is, basically, to LOVE.  It is embedded in our hearts, something we know innately.  It is not something that we need to search for or even analyze.  It's right there, in plain sight. All we really need to do is actually do it!

I have this compulsion to over-analyze things.  I feel it in my gut.  This is God's will and yet I go over it again and again in my head.  Is this God's will or is this what I think is God's will?  And, so, I stand in that same place, unmoving, stupefied - for ages!  So much time wasted just thinking if it's the right thing, if it's God's will.  Tsk, tsk, tsk!

2nd Reading
Colossians 1:15-20
"Christ Jesus is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn ofall creation. 16 For in him were created all things in heaven and on earth, the visible and the invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers; all things were created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

"In Him all things hold together"

So, once I've finally established and I'm absolutely sure it's God's will, the next thing I do is obsess over how I will go about it.  I analyze the current state and assess it vs. my future/ideal state.  Then I see all the obstacles and the impossibilities.  I obsess over the "how-to's" and kill myself worrying about how I can accomplish His will when:  (1) I only have 24 hours in my day; (2) I am a single mom; (3) I have limited resources; (4) Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I can just imagine Him shaking His head.  If I would only stop and be still long enough to hear Him say (and believe as He does):  "Relax, I've got this", then I'd probably be a freer and happier person.  

I know all these in theory.  I'd score perfect on a written exam.  But I'm flunking big time in actual practice.  I constantly have to remind myself that He truly holds all things together and everything will fall into place in His time.  I just need to keep going and focus on doing my part.  

Him first and then everything else will follow.

Bigger Bear Series: Keep an Eye Out for the Silver Lining

A series of unfortunate events ...

1. I gassed up at a Caltex station with really bad Starcard connection.  After the nth try and 15 minutes later, I begrudgingly swiped my card.  They gave me a 1.5 liter of coke, which I don't drink ... but our guests the following day did.
2. I rushed home in hopes of having dinner with the family, only to find out that everyone was out.  I finally had an opportunity to use my HappyPlus credits and got myself free food from Jollibee.  Since I was in the vicinity, I finally satisfied my Razon's halo-halo craving as well.
3. I went to work for a meeting, which was cancelled.  I could have worked from home.  And then they distributed the year-end snack packs. Yey!
4. I got bumped while my car was stopped in front of a red light. The car behind me was hit by a truck and the guy had the presence of mind to try and swerve away.  He still hit me, but with lesser damage.  At that late hour, my entire family kept me company on viber; my brother and sister drove to the police outpost; my tito (and his entire family) drove out to check on me as well; and the truck driver owned up to it and the insurance will cover for the damages.
5. The National Museum was free for June, so we made sure to schedule a trip before the month ended.  We had planned to leave early to be at the museum door when it opened at 10 am.  We wanted to go through both the Art Museum and the Artifacts Museum.  Being the nocturnal creatures that we were --- we woke up late, drove through heart-attack-hair-pulling worthy Manila traffic and arrived at noon.  But, when we walked in, we were greeted by Juna Luna's Spoliarium ... and we walked through the halls lost in all the art ... for HOURS.
6. Needless to say, the entire afternoon was sufficient only for the Art Museum.  We thought, bummer, we'll have to go back some other day and pay for it.  But then, on July 1st, the National Museum announced it was going to bee free ... ongoing!
7. It was raining when we left the museum.  We were all famished, so we decided to go to Intramuros for late lunch / heavy merienda.  By the time we finished, the sky had cleared and we had the opportunity to go to San Agustin Church, which was perfect for A's Art Lessons on old architecture!
8. Math day this week was bad.  We finished late and only managed one out of the two topics we were targeting.   Then I had to bring A with me to the office, since my sister was supposed to pick-up the police report for me.  A Math lover colleague came by to say 'hi' and ended up coaching my son on his Math lessons.  They covered both topics in a couple of hours ... with my son: (1) exclaiming "I luv Math"; and (2) complaining about going to dinner ... because he still wanted to do Math.   
9. I brought my sister with me so she could pick up the police report and go to the service center to get an estimate for my car's repairs.  And then we realized she couldn't get back in without my ID - which I needed while I was in the office.  Then a really stressed friend needed to decompress and we were more than willing to decompress with her.  Impromptu get-together!
10. My sister had two foiled efforts at going to DFA for her passport renewal.  A couple of days before her nth appointment, she got a call from DFA.  They were bumping her up a day ahead of schedule. On that day, she had the courtesy lane privilege and completed everything in 30 minutes. THIRTY MINUTES!

... if you keep an eye out for it, you'll find, there is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.