Poetic Doses: 129 to 142

#365daysofpoetry Days 129 to 142
#autism #adhd #inclusion #mentalhealth #timesupnow

Art By:  HersleyCasero on IG

I will never fully comprehend
This beautiful complex mind
The colors and depth of its universe
Nor the textures of its various emotions
But my heart continues to reach inside
And my arms remain a safe haven.

Art By: hoche_art on IG

My love for you is a slow gentle burn;
unhurried, yet certain and absolute.

Sculpture by: Ferdie Cacnio

Oh! The stuff

Dreams are made of

The most hidden

Hopes, fears and wishes

Hauntings from the past

The chaos of the present

And uncertainties the future holds.

Then there is you

The dreams converging into

Mostly you

The mystery and the promise

Of you

And me

And us.

Sculpture By: _poemery_ on IG

Oh! If I could
Carry you always
Safe within my wings
Sheltered from the storms.
I would carry you
Tirelessly
Through glorious sunrises
Into the bosom of sunsets.
But I know
There is no better gift
Than to teach you
What your wings can do
And to tell tales of distant lands
Where your wings can take you.

Book highlight from "Mr. Browne's Precepts";
a quote from Sir Thomas Browne

I traveled far and wide
Yet found not what I sought;
Then I traveled deep within
And found what I sought and more.

Art By: Inadoodles

And she [he] is my true Giving Tree

Always giving, never taking

Always forgiving, never forsaking.

(Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and everyone [in any form] who play the part!

Your presence, sacrifices and your endless and boundless wellspring of Love 

keep this crazy world from falling apart.)

Today there were
No surprises
Nor special occasions;
No time for sunrises
Nor a glimpse of the sunset;
Yet today,
In its ordinariness,
Was an ode to life
From chores done lovingly;
Was joy brimming
From unspectacular moments of togetherness.

Art by: Rovi Salegumba

Every night I dream of you
And you
You
And just you;
In many faces
And various forms
Yet just one
Only you;
And even though I hold you close
For however long I can
Morning comes and Night departs
The memory along with it;
And I awake
No closer to uncovering you.

Art by: _gilbutt on IG

To, one day, not care
What others will say;
And always choose right (or kind)
Visibly or out of sight;
To see my true worth
Claimed His from birth;
And my small change start
To boldly light up the dark.

Art by: Justine Florentino

Perhaps someday my heart
will burst (or break once more);
But, for now, I guard it fiercely,
tucked away safely from harm's way (and free).

Photo by: Elmer Borlongan

Within the security

Of my trusty hoody

I find solace

In my isolation

Shielded against the cold

Of an unforgiving world

Slipping in and out

Unnoticed and unloved.

Art by:  Migs Villanueva

Stop right there, mister

You shan't pass me and my sister

Beyond this magical door

An amazing treasure store

Meant only for the noblest of all

Our tickle monster great and tall!

Art by:  Illiv8.ten on IG

And she rose from her stupor
As glorious as the sun
Born from the ashes of ancestors
From a land that screams justice
The time has come
To lay claim on her birthright.

Art by:  mister_sasquatch on IG

Your heart is restless
So fly away free
But soon you will see
I carry you home with me
For I have lent you my love
That one day you'll fly it back to me.

Choose Kind: Breaking Down the Box of Society (Part 2 - The Lessons)

One of my favorite scenes  from "Wonder" (and I'm sure yours, too - if you watched it) was the emotional conversation between Isabel and Auggie - Wonder - Movie Clip (YouTube).  I know it's a movie/book and the scene was well thought of.  But how I wish I had just a sliver of the patience, resilience and wisdom that Isabel has in dealing with these situations.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE BRAIN

When I found out how my son behaved in the chat group, my first thought was, "I'm a bad mother".  Afterall, a child learns love and good manners at home.  Whatever he/she sees at home translates to how he/she is with other people.  But, even though we remind him constantly - sometimes nicely; sometimes frustratingly, good manners and proper conduct just takes so long to stick for my son!  I feel like I always have to watch him, so that he behaves properly.  The minute I turn around he misbehaves. 

At the parent workshop, this was one of the first things which the facilitators established.  For every difficulty raised by one parent, the facilitator would ask, "Who else experienced this?" or "Does that sound familiar?".  And, each time, almost everyone in the room raised their hands.  I looked around the tables.  These are decent families and, as we continued sharing, I realized, very loving as well.

As the workshop progressed, I realized, that the reason why my son behaves while I'm (or my sister / family) around is because he takes his cues from me (us).  He can read our facial expression and body language ... but not everybody else's.  I recall a recent conversation we just had where he said, "Mom, please don't reprimand me in front of everyone. Just give me your look or give me a sign to stop." 

He doesn't want to misbehave or hurt anyone on purpose.  He has difficulty self-regulating because it takes a lot of (brain) work for him to foresee the consequences of his actions (it's the part of his brain that is underdeveloped; while the part of his brain that takes note of details is more developed vs. normal).  That said, it doesn't mean it can't be developed.  He can learn it.  It will just take more time.

I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a similar mantra to what I had been teaching him (Stop and Think Before You Act or Talk) was posted on the wall of their camp quarters.

Candent Reminder

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

One of the things I noticed with my son early on was his difficulty in organizing his thoughts and articulating them.  When he told stories about how his day went, he told snippets of events throughout the day that didn't follow any logical order, such that it was difficult to make out exactly what happened.  When he was younger, he would only say some words and, like a puzzle, we would guess until he nods.  Sometimes, I think, he just nodded even though we did not fully figure out what he was trying to say.

This is one of the typical difficulties of individuals in the spectrum and was the core discussion point for the Parents' Workshop during Camp Life. 

Below are my key takeaways from the Language Therapist Resource's Talk: (But, really, there's more.  It was a jampacked lecture, that I will not be able to replicate here)

• "Communication in ANY form is GOOD communication".  Communication is not only made up of verbal and body language.  There's a spectrum of ways to communicate through visual arts, music, etc.   We just need to find a way to understand what they are trying to say.
• There are two important aspects of Language:  (1) Receptive Language and (2) Expressive Language.  Both of these need to be developed and are anchored on good vocabulary.
• To enable good communication between you and your child, you need to be cognizant of your own communication strengths and barriers, as well as, your child's. Only then will you be able to bridge the gap.

Our DevPed immediately pointed out the communication deficiency during our checkup.  She explicitly told us to stop finishing his sentences for him and let him work it out himself.  I included this in the debrief I gave my family.  From then on, everyone encouraged him to pause, organize his thoughts in his head and then articulate them.  It made a lot of difference for him to know that we are okay to wait until he was able to sort it out in his head first. (And it warms my heart to see everyone patiently waiting for him and affirming him).  It made a lot of difference for us as well, since we are better able to understand him.  It's not easy.  Sometimes I find myself snapping at him for being unclear, inconsistent (especially when sorting out "incidents") and slow at articulation. During those times I ask him to be patient with me, too.

At the start of 5th grade (6 months before his diagnosis), seeing how limited his vocabulary was, I gave him his Vocabulary Notebook.  My objective was to help him build his vocabulary and enable him to articulate his thoughts better.  This went well with the quarterly book report required by his homeschool, CFA.  It was always a long and painful exercise for us, but it was key in improving his throught organization.  By the end of 6th grade, my son was volunteering to contribute articles for our Home Base Newsletter. It's not Pullitzer, but his works had been published. (But his best writing is his Christmas 2017 note for me, which I carry with me in my wallet) all the time.


POSITIVE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS BUILD HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS

The last module for the Parents' Workshop was completing word puzzles and discussing what these mean.  It turned out, that the puzzles were the building blocks to positive family relationships which enable healthy friendships/relationships.

The building blocks are:

Candent Building Blocks

• Let your child know that you love him/her with smiles, hugs and words. Know your child's language of love and love him/her in that fashion.  Teach them your love language as well.  After all, relationship is a two-way street.  Also, words and actions need to be consistent.  And while action speak louder than words, sometimes they just need to hear it.  You do, too, right?
• Point out your child's strengths.  Often children don't always see the value of what they do or accomplish until we point it out to them.  In most cases, the strengths they see are hinged on their capabilities and they fail to see the value of the softskills they exhibit.  We need to vigilantly point it out to them and reinforce the good behaviors and attitudes. As for me, I feel like I am a bit of tiger mom.  In my pursuit to push my son, so that he reaches his highest potential, I am stingy with praises.  And this is something I need to consciously work on, especially in situations where I know he could do better.  A little pat on the back would go a long way (Note to self).
• Have a special play (date) time with your child.  Especially for families with more children, it is so much easier to just have family bonding moments.  But, knowing how diverse our children's personalities are, there would always be more headstrong children who will get more airtime than the more reserved ones.  Special 1:1 sessions allow for better communication and understanding of each child.  This is something that my son "demands" from me.  Whenever I become too busy, he would ask for or even think about a bonding activity.  It could be as simple as walking around the village together.
• Say what you expect your child to do; not what you don't want them to do.  If you tell them what not to do, then they are left with a range of so many other things they can do.  And (heaven forbid) if they choose to do another wrong thing instead, then they will still get into trouble. Keep it simple. Tell them what the expected behavior is. (It's good for your blood pressure, too).  I am guilty of this and, sometimes, consciously.  I want him to be able to figure things out on his own.  But, I realize, I need to do this within parameters acceptable for me as well. Because, otherwise, it almost always ends up in a I'm-so-frustrated-and-disappointed moment.  (Which leads me to the next point).
• Give your child choices where either answer is okay.  Encourage individuality and self-confidence within a controlled sphere.  Give them a chance to feel good about their choices.  That way, they build confidence to decide on their own.
• Give your child a chance to make decisions.  Connected with the previous one.

The truth is, no matter how much we talk about it now, there will always be a portion of society that will have an aversion towards the different.  I guess it's a natural reaction to something one doesn't fully understand.  And, while kids in the spectrum don't always look different, they always act different --- sometimes it is not immediately apparent, but it comes through sooner or later.  When it does and they start losing friends, it hurts the same way.  As Auggie said, "It matters that I look different.  I try to pretend that it doesn't matter, but it does."  And, no matter how much we bombard them with love, reinforce their confidence and self-esteem, they will have to deal with these (mostly) on their own.  The most that we can do is to prepare them by patiently building their capabilities and being truthful about the realities out there, while also providing a safe haven for them to come home to and lick their wounds. 

Sometimes it feels like there is only so much we can do.  But, what if, that "so much" is enough to carry them through the first hurdle so that they can learn and get through the next and then the next?  Never underestimate the "little" things done out of love.  They ripple.

Choose Kind: Breaking Down the Box of Society (Part 1 - The Feels)

The book, "Wonder", and the movie of the same title truly resonated with me.  I cried buckets during the movie, mostly during Isabel's (the mother) scenes. It was as if I was watching myself (or a better version of me) on screen.  Isabel was strong, patient and believed in the general goodness of humanity (almost to a fault).  I wish I could be like her.  I hope to find reasons to believe in humanity the same way.

THE "INCIDENT"

Last month I got a call from a  mom about some disturbing things my son had been saying in a Viber Group he was part of along with other kids in his age range.  The thing is, he had only been in that group for a month; and, while I had been meaning to, I never got around to checking the thread.

Apparently, he had carried his pretend game too far.  Somehow he had built an alternate reality, merging characters (think Assassin's creed) and events he had read with his own deepest wishes.  You see, there is no middle ground for my son.  In this alternate reality, he was living the life of his favorite characters ... had a father, an older brother and a younger one.  Some friends took everything he said and thought his life was awesome ... and crazy (and probably thought I was either such an irresponsible mom or a bad ass one).  Some who knew him better played along, but then got confused between reality and fantasy.  And, because his favorite characters are adults, he was also indiscriminately spewing some mean and bad words he didn't entirely understand.  He thought cool tough guys used bad words.  He was completely in character.  Of course, the mommies got concerned.  I did, too.

I also felt hurt that he found his life so boring that he created an alternate reality for himself.  And I felt helpless, knowing the deepest and oldest desires he had been praying for are things I cannot give him at the moment (or ever ... there's no way I can produce an older brother, right?).

I processed everything with him for an entire day, took his phone and explained to the concerned mom.  He issued apologies and explanations to his friends.  I issued apologies and explanations to the mommies.  Then my son and I agreed he will write his stories and I will be his editor (He wants to publish).

CAMP LIFE

A week later, we dropped him off to his first ever 5-day camp --- without us. "Camp Life" was facilitated by CANDENT, his Social Skills Therapy center, to provide kids from the center a controlled environment to practice their social skills.

(Social skills is the biggest challenge for individuals in the spectrum.  Their impulsiveness and inability to immediately draw correlations [or make connections] inhibit their ability to understand the "grey areas".  As such, they are often viewed as rude or socially awkward).

Before deciding to let him go, I talked to one of his therapists, who, surprisingly, was not as concerned as I was.  I have to say, I still had misgivings and apprehensions, but I knew he needed to be exposed to these situations.  What better venue than a 5-day camp attended by a mix of kids (kids with conditions, siblings of these kids, and regular neurotypical kids of some really radical parents) and managed by an entire team of licensed therapists and SPED (special education) teachers?

That day, the center decided to leverage the parents' presence and organized a full day Communication Workshop.  And it was here that I finally understood the therapist's reaction to our latest "incident".  I felt an entire spectrum of emotions wash over me ...

• I felt relieved.  What my son was going through was "normal" for those in the spectrum and have similar conditions. 
• I felt affirmed.  A mother (and a loving auntie) knows her son (nephew) best.  Somehow, following where prayer, love and mother's instinct took us, we ended up on the right path and doing the right thing for him.
• I felt I wasn't alone.  There are parents/families, teachers, therapists going through the same emotional, physical, mental, spiritual rollercoaster I am going through.  They, too, get tired, frustrated and hurt whenever they deal with their kids.  It's normal.  And it's alright. That's what timeouts are for.
• I felt hopeful.  There are parents (Tiger moms and dads), teachers, and therapists (heroes) who, like me, believe in my son (these kids) and will walk the line for him (them). There are people who will stumble, but will get back up to help kids like my son have a shot at living full lives within a cruel society.
• I felt energized.  The condition is manageable with intervention, dedication and constancy.  We can and let's do this!

THE AFTERSHOCK

After the camp, I forgot to take back my son's phone.  He assumed it meant he could contact his friends again.  Still high from the events of the past 5 days, he thought it a good idea to introduce his new friends to his old friends.  

It was catastrophic.

His old friends, apparently, felt he just dropped them like a hot potato and completely forgot about them during his hiatus (even though he told them I was taking his phone).  So, when my son introduced his new friend, the old group's initial reaction was jealousy and then hostility.  The new friend, being in the spectrum as well, went on defense mode.  So, while my son firmly kept his promise to be "real" with his friends and not use bad words, his new friend was on all out fight mode (expletives included).  Consequently, the friend and my son got booted out of the group.  

My son was broken.  So was I. (I also switched to fiercely-protective-mom mode).  And, suddenly, I understood how Mama Mary felt when Jesus was being ridiculed by people who, only a few days before, were praising Him; and deserted by the very people He loved.  It felt very much like a sword piercing my heart a hundred times.  It took everything in me to keep a strong front.

You see, unlike me, my son is an extrovert.  While I take comfort in my solitude, he needs to be around friends --- lots of them.  But it's the one thing he has difficulty cultivating and keeping.

STARS & BOXES

It reminded me of the final exercise we had at the workshop.  The facilitator gave us a problem to solve.

The problem

We have a paper star that we need to put inside a box with a small round hole. How will we do it?

The potential solutions put forward by some parents

• Fold the star
• Cut the star up
• Crumple the star then push into the hole

The ideal solutions some parents came up with

• Open the box
• Widen the hole

The star represents our kids (for me, it's not even just the kids with conditions but all kids, in general).  The box represents society as a whole.  The solution is to drive Inclusion.  The reality is we are still a long way from opening that box.

During one of the sessions, a parent raised a question: "Should we explain to people about our child's condition?"

This was a question I had struggled with.  I considered it.  But the reality is we can only explain our child's condition to so many people; and only so many people will truly understand.  If we do this now, who will do it for them when we're old or gone?  My stance from then on had always been to equip my son, so that he is able to deal with these on his own.

A follow-up to that was:  "Adults are easy, but how do you explain it to children?  Children can be so unintentionally ruthless."

My take here:  Teach children kindness.  Because, if children are taught to be kind - to see beyond form or wit, then there is no need to explain anything to them.  They will just be kind.  Naturally.

In fact, the same is true for adults (moreso!).  Why do we have to explain and spell out a condition before people shift gears, make allowances and choose to be kind?  Why should we make distinctions?  Should we not afford everyone kindness?  Perhaps it's not a condition but a serious illness, a financial challenge, a terrible loss ... or just a particularly bad day.  Shouldn't we, by default, be kind to each other?  Indiscriminately.  Always.

RJ Palacios, in just two simple words - "Choose Kind", gave us the basic formula that will trigger the breaking down of the box of society.  Imagine, if everyone decided to "Choose Kind", it will be a silent revolution that will change society (and the world) at its very core!  

So, "Choose Kind" with me.  Let us give each other a reason to believe.  It won't be easy, for sure.  We will stumble and fail.  But the good thing is, there will always be an opportunity to make up for it.

Oh! To teach our children

Always

Kindness above all else

Regardless and despite all else;

To find joy in giving joy

And in the simple things;

To see beauty in all things

Visible and, moreso, the invisible.

That in being kind to others

They might learn to be kind(er) to themselves.

Poetic Dose: 119 to 128

#365daysofpoetry Days 119 to 128
#autism #inclusion #adhd

Art by Faye Villanueva "spatialchild" on IG

Kuya,

Take me with you

To distant lands of your imagining;

Where heroes roam fields, mountains and seas

Saving villages from fearsome menaces.

Take me with you

To distant lands of your imagining;

Where the sky and sea are the same bright blue

And the air is mingled with flowers and tangerine.

Take me with you

To distant lands of your imagining;

Where it is everywhere

And just anywhere away from here.

At Barcino Wine and Restaurant

She is sangria
Elegant and graceful as wineglass;
Aged as vintage wine;
Smooth and strong as run;
Beautifully complex yet perfectly blended
as the array of fruits in the mixture.

At Barcino Wine and Restaurant

Of tipsy days and nights
When all is unfiltered
And honesty is a by-product
Of tired hearts and restless dreams.

Tipsy calls
And fantasies
When you know only my name
And respond to my touch alone.

Find me in the secret chambers of your heart
And come home
Sober
To my open waiting arms.

Art by:  Faye Villanueva "spatialchild" on IG

For no matter where
Or how far you roam
In spirit, I will be there
Through calm or storm.

Art by:  Felix Hidalgo

You, to me, are a masterpiece
As art from the hands of Magritte;
Moments chanced by when you tip your hat
For a brief and often meaningless chat;
I wonder if you, somehow, know
How you make my heart skip so.

At Club Balai Isabel

Finding my quiet

Smoothing the ruffled

When opportunity knocks

Grab with both hands.

Art by:  Hersley Casero

In her smile is his present
A box to seal the stubborn past
Of deep thoughts and shallow waters
And vivid dreams of a bleak future.

Art by:  Ina Nolasco "inadoodles" on IG

For you are a Star
Meant to shine in the dark;
May the box of society
be wide open and accepting;
But beware it does
Not
Constrain your light
Nor restrict your flight.

Art by: Jef Cablog

For I am an outsider

A stranger in my own country;

Unable to decipher cryptic messages,

So plain for everyone else;

Unable to speak my truth,

So clear in my own mind;

Unable to show my love,

So real it overwhelms me;

Unable to feel your love,

So obscure in my crowded galaxy.

Art by:  Migs Villanueva "artisteditions" on IG

Oh! To teach our children

Always

Kindness above all else

Regardless and despite all else;

To find joy in giving joy

And in the simple things;

To see beauty in all things

Visible and, moreso, the invisible.

That in being kind to others

They might learn to be kind(er) to themselves.