One of my favorite scenes from "Wonder" (and I'm sure yours, too - if you watched it) was the emotional conversation between Isabel and Auggie - Wonder - Movie Clip (YouTube). I know it's a movie/book and the scene was well thought of. But how I wish I had just a sliver of the patience, resilience and wisdom that Isabel has in dealing with these situations.
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE BRAIN
When I found out how my son behaved in the chat group, my first thought was, "I'm a bad mother". Afterall, a child learns love and good manners at home. Whatever he/she sees at home translates to how he/she is with other people. But, even though we remind him constantly - sometimes nicely; sometimes frustratingly, good manners and proper conduct just takes so long to stick for my son! I feel like I always have to watch him, so that he behaves properly. The minute I turn around he misbehaves.
At the parent workshop, this was one of the first things which the facilitators established. For every difficulty raised by one parent, the facilitator would ask, "Who else experienced this?" or "Does that sound familiar?". And, each time, almost everyone in the room raised their hands. I looked around the tables. These are decent families and, as we continued sharing, I realized, very loving as well.
As the workshop progressed, I realized, that the reason why my son behaves while I'm (or my sister / family) around is because he takes his cues from me (us). He can read our facial expression and body language ... but not everybody else's. I recall a recent conversation we just had where he said, "Mom, please don't reprimand me in front of everyone. Just give me your look or give me a sign to stop."
He doesn't want to misbehave or hurt anyone on purpose. He has difficulty self-regulating because it takes a lot of (brain) work for him to foresee the consequences of his actions (it's the part of his brain that is underdeveloped; while the part of his brain that takes note of details is more developed vs. normal). That said, it doesn't mean it can't be developed. He can learn it. It will just take more time.
I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a similar mantra to what I had been teaching him (Stop and Think Before You Act or Talk) was posted on the wall of their camp quarters.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
One of the things I noticed with my son early on was his difficulty in organizing his thoughts and articulating them. When he told stories about how his day went, he told snippets of events throughout the day that didn't follow any logical order, such that it was difficult to make out exactly what happened. When he was younger, he would only say some words and, like a puzzle, we would guess until he nods. Sometimes, I think, he just nodded even though we did not fully figure out what he was trying to say.
This is one of the typical difficulties of individuals in the spectrum and was the core discussion point for the Parents' Workshop during Camp Life.
Below are my key takeaways from the Language Therapist Resource's Talk: (But, really, there's more. It was a jampacked lecture, that I will not be able to replicate here)
Our DevPed immediately pointed out the communication deficiency during our checkup. She explicitly told us to stop finishing his sentences for him and let him work it out himself. I included this in the debrief I gave my family. From then on, everyone encouraged him to pause, organize his thoughts in his head and then articulate them. It made a lot of difference for him to know that we are okay to wait until he was able to sort it out in his head first. (And it warms my heart to see everyone patiently waiting for him and affirming him). It made a lot of difference for us as well, since we are better able to understand him. It's not easy. Sometimes I find myself snapping at him for being unclear, inconsistent (especially when sorting out "incidents") and slow at articulation. During those times I ask him to be patient with me, too.
At the start of 5th grade (6 months before his diagnosis), seeing how limited his vocabulary was, I gave him his Vocabulary Notebook. My objective was to help him build his vocabulary and enable him to articulate his thoughts better. This went well with the quarterly book report required by his homeschool, CFA. It was always a long and painful exercise for us, but it was key in improving his throught organization. By the end of 6th grade, my son was volunteering to contribute articles for our Home Base Newsletter. It's not Pullitzer, but his works had been published. (But his best writing is his Christmas 2017 note for me, which I carry with me in my wallet) all the time.
POSITIVE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS BUILD HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
The last module for the Parents' Workshop was completing word puzzles and discussing what these mean. It turned out, that the puzzles were the building blocks to positive family relationships which enable healthy friendships/relationships.
The building blocks are:
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE BRAIN
When I found out how my son behaved in the chat group, my first thought was, "I'm a bad mother". Afterall, a child learns love and good manners at home. Whatever he/she sees at home translates to how he/she is with other people. But, even though we remind him constantly - sometimes nicely; sometimes frustratingly, good manners and proper conduct just takes so long to stick for my son! I feel like I always have to watch him, so that he behaves properly. The minute I turn around he misbehaves.
At the parent workshop, this was one of the first things which the facilitators established. For every difficulty raised by one parent, the facilitator would ask, "Who else experienced this?" or "Does that sound familiar?". And, each time, almost everyone in the room raised their hands. I looked around the tables. These are decent families and, as we continued sharing, I realized, very loving as well.
As the workshop progressed, I realized, that the reason why my son behaves while I'm (or my sister / family) around is because he takes his cues from me (us). He can read our facial expression and body language ... but not everybody else's. I recall a recent conversation we just had where he said, "Mom, please don't reprimand me in front of everyone. Just give me your look or give me a sign to stop."
He doesn't want to misbehave or hurt anyone on purpose. He has difficulty self-regulating because it takes a lot of (brain) work for him to foresee the consequences of his actions (it's the part of his brain that is underdeveloped; while the part of his brain that takes note of details is more developed vs. normal). That said, it doesn't mean it can't be developed. He can learn it. It will just take more time.
I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a similar mantra to what I had been teaching him (Stop and Think Before You Act or Talk) was posted on the wall of their camp quarters.
 |
| Candent Reminder |
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
One of the things I noticed with my son early on was his difficulty in organizing his thoughts and articulating them. When he told stories about how his day went, he told snippets of events throughout the day that didn't follow any logical order, such that it was difficult to make out exactly what happened. When he was younger, he would only say some words and, like a puzzle, we would guess until he nods. Sometimes, I think, he just nodded even though we did not fully figure out what he was trying to say.
This is one of the typical difficulties of individuals in the spectrum and was the core discussion point for the Parents' Workshop during Camp Life.
Below are my key takeaways from the Language Therapist Resource's Talk: (But, really, there's more. It was a jampacked lecture, that I will not be able to replicate here)
- "Communication in ANY form is GOOD communication". Communication is not only made up of verbal and body language. There's a spectrum of ways to communicate through visual arts, music, etc. We just need to find a way to understand what they are trying to say.
- There are two important aspects of Language: (1) Receptive Language and (2) Expressive Language. Both of these need to be developed and are anchored on good vocabulary.
- To enable good communication between you and your child, you need to be cognizant of your own communication strengths and barriers, as well as, your child's. Only then will you be able to bridge the gap.
Our DevPed immediately pointed out the communication deficiency during our checkup. She explicitly told us to stop finishing his sentences for him and let him work it out himself. I included this in the debrief I gave my family. From then on, everyone encouraged him to pause, organize his thoughts in his head and then articulate them. It made a lot of difference for him to know that we are okay to wait until he was able to sort it out in his head first. (And it warms my heart to see everyone patiently waiting for him and affirming him). It made a lot of difference for us as well, since we are better able to understand him. It's not easy. Sometimes I find myself snapping at him for being unclear, inconsistent (especially when sorting out "incidents") and slow at articulation. During those times I ask him to be patient with me, too.
At the start of 5th grade (6 months before his diagnosis), seeing how limited his vocabulary was, I gave him his Vocabulary Notebook. My objective was to help him build his vocabulary and enable him to articulate his thoughts better. This went well with the quarterly book report required by his homeschool, CFA. It was always a long and painful exercise for us, but it was key in improving his throught organization. By the end of 6th grade, my son was volunteering to contribute articles for our Home Base Newsletter. It's not Pullitzer, but his works had been published. (But his best writing is his Christmas 2017 note for me, which I carry with me in my wallet) all the time.
POSITIVE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS BUILD HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
The last module for the Parents' Workshop was completing word puzzles and discussing what these mean. It turned out, that the puzzles were the building blocks to positive family relationships which enable healthy friendships/relationships.
The building blocks are:
 |
| Candent Building Blocks |
- Let your child know that you love him/her with smiles, hugs and words. Know your child's language of love and love him/her in that fashion. Teach them your love language as well. After all, relationship is a two-way street. Also, words and actions need to be consistent. And while action speak louder than words, sometimes they just need to hear it. You do, too, right?
- Point out your child's strengths. Often children don't always see the value of what they do or accomplish until we point it out to them. In most cases, the strengths they see are hinged on their capabilities and they fail to see the value of the softskills they exhibit. We need to vigilantly point it out to them and reinforce the good behaviors and attitudes. As for me, I feel like I am a bit of tiger mom. In my pursuit to push my son, so that he reaches his highest potential, I am stingy with praises. And this is something I need to consciously work on, especially in situations where I know he could do better. A little pat on the back would go a long way (Note to self).
- Have a special play (date) time with your child. Especially for families with more children, it is so much easier to just have family bonding moments. But, knowing how diverse our children's personalities are, there would always be more headstrong children who will get more airtime than the more reserved ones. Special 1:1 sessions allow for better communication and understanding of each child. This is something that my son "demands" from me. Whenever I become too busy, he would ask for or even think about a bonding activity. It could be as simple as walking around the village together.
- Say what you expect your child to do; not what you don't want them to do. If you tell them what not to do, then they are left with a range of so many other things they can do. And (heaven forbid) if they choose to do another wrong thing instead, then they will still get into trouble. Keep it simple. Tell them what the expected behavior is. (It's good for your blood pressure, too). I am guilty of this and, sometimes, consciously. I want him to be able to figure things out on his own. But, I realize, I need to do this within parameters acceptable for me as well. Because, otherwise, it almost always ends up in a I'm-so-frustrated-and-disappointed moment. (Which leads me to the next point).
- Give your child choices where either answer is okay. Encourage individuality and self-confidence within a controlled sphere. Give them a chance to feel good about their choices. That way, they build confidence to decide on their own.
- Give your child a chance to make decisions. Connected with the previous one.
The truth is, no matter how much we talk about it now, there will always be a portion of society that will have an aversion towards the different. I guess it's a natural reaction to something one doesn't fully understand. And, while kids in the spectrum don't always look different, they always act different --- sometimes it is not immediately apparent, but it comes through sooner or later. When it does and they start losing friends, it hurts the same way. As Auggie said, "It matters that I look different. I try to pretend that it doesn't matter, but it does." And, no matter how much we bombard them with love, reinforce their confidence and self-esteem, they will have to deal with these (mostly) on their own. The most that we can do is to prepare them by patiently building their capabilities and being truthful about the realities out there, while also providing a safe haven for them to come home to and lick their wounds.
Sometimes it feels like there is only so much we can do. But, what if, that "so much" is enough to carry them through the first hurdle so that they can learn and get through the next and then the next? Never underestimate the "little" things done out of love. They ripple.
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