Catholic Filipino Academy hosted a Parenting Talk session called "Crucial Conversations" (By: Michele Alignay - author of "Growing up WIRED") last November. It dealt on the communication dynamics between parents and children, but a lot of it applies to all kinds of relationships.
I realized, that, in order for me to enable my son to find and work at his own destiny, we first need to have a proper conversation. That means, I need to learn how to listen to him and not just talk to him.
These are the salient points I was able to take note of. I'm still working at a lot of them. So far, what I have learned is, it is a challenge to unlearn some behaviors and habits. But these relationships are worth the change.
"A relationship is only as good as its level of communication."
Levels:
Level 5 - Cliche: This is the superficial kind mostly shared between mere acquaintances.
Level 4 - Reporting on Facts: This is a simple improvement from the Cliche level with people talking about simple, general and benign facts.
Level 3 - Ideas & Judgments: Parties start talking about ideas, but the sharing is very guarded, proceeding based on how the other person receives the idea. Between parent and child, the communication is under strict censorship from child to parent. The child only talks about what pleases the parents; or vice versa.
Level 2 - My Feelings "Gut Level": This is when both are able to communicate their "inner self" through feelings, emotions and honest opinion. Both are able to articulate the rationale behind the feeling; talk about how each person reacts to the feelings.
Level 1 - Peak Communication: This is achieved once both are attuned to the other person, having the complete and personal connection. This is characterized by an almost perfect and mutual empathy with someone. At this level, the emotional investment becomes the backbone of the relationship.
Checklist for a successful communication:
I realized, that, in order for me to enable my son to find and work at his own destiny, we first need to have a proper conversation. That means, I need to learn how to listen to him and not just talk to him.
These are the salient points I was able to take note of. I'm still working at a lot of them. So far, what I have learned is, it is a challenge to unlearn some behaviors and habits. But these relationships are worth the change.
"A relationship is only as good as its level of communication."
Levels:
Level 5 - Cliche: This is the superficial kind mostly shared between mere acquaintances.
Level 4 - Reporting on Facts: This is a simple improvement from the Cliche level with people talking about simple, general and benign facts.
Level 3 - Ideas & Judgments: Parties start talking about ideas, but the sharing is very guarded, proceeding based on how the other person receives the idea. Between parent and child, the communication is under strict censorship from child to parent. The child only talks about what pleases the parents; or vice versa.
Level 2 - My Feelings "Gut Level": This is when both are able to communicate their "inner self" through feelings, emotions and honest opinion. Both are able to articulate the rationale behind the feeling; talk about how each person reacts to the feelings.
Level 1 - Peak Communication: This is achieved once both are attuned to the other person, having the complete and personal connection. This is characterized by an almost perfect and mutual empathy with someone. At this level, the emotional investment becomes the backbone of the relationship.
Checklist for a successful communication:
- Accept them as they are.
- Check your motives.
- Go to where they are. How? Be present in the moment and speak their language.
- Relationship first before the issue. Above all else, safeguard the relationship. I cannot stress this more.
- Emotional connection is the invisible thread directly connecting us with each other.
- NOW, not later. Important talks start losing their efficacy the longer it is delayed. Afterall, anything important cannot wait for later. Strike while the iron is hot and the issue is fresh. It is much easier to discuss when the details are still fresh for both parties.
Important communication skills:
- Listening Skills - Good listening skills are characterized by emphatic understanding, listening with 100% focus (mind and body) and feedback that is devoid of judgment.
- Speaking Skills - Speak for yourself, not for others. Instead of embarking on a long sermon, ask. Remember that speaking is not only represented by what you say, but how it is delivered. The non-verbal language weighs in just as heavily, if not more, as the verbal language.
- Self-disclosure - This includes sharing of personal ideas, feelings and experiences. This entails humility, especially for parents.
- Clarity - Make sure your message is clear by verifying the other person's understanding. In some cases, the context may be taken differently. Remember: "Assumptions make an ASS of U and ME" (Cool, huh? I thought so, too).
- Continuity Tracking - Stay on topic. Focus on the current issue being tackled, allowing all facets and concerns to be confronted. (I am guilty of this. I sometimes bring up past "sins" whenever I see an opportunity to connect it to the current issue).
- Respect and Regard - It is important to accept each other's differences and to recognize the other person's ideas and feelings. Keep the communication positive.
"The strongest connections are at Home." (2 John 1:12)
"We are their Home."
Michele Alignay closed with Credo for Relationships. I wasn't able to catch all of it, so I searched on the internet and found this (Bless Google!). I'm not sure if this is what she shared, but I think it's worth sharing, regardless.
Credo for Relationships
Dr. Thomas Gordon
You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with unique needs and the right to meet those needs.
When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will try to listen with genuine acceptance. In order to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine, I also will try to respect your right to choose your own beliefs and develop your own values, different though they may be from mine.
However, when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.
At those times when we find that either of us cannot change to meet the other's needs, let us acknowledge that we have a conflict and commit ourselves to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power or authority to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine - neither will lose, both will win.
In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love, and peace.
When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will try to listen with genuine acceptance. In order to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine, I also will try to respect your right to choose your own beliefs and develop your own values, different though they may be from mine.
However, when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.
At those times when we find that either of us cannot change to meet the other's needs, let us acknowledge that we have a conflict and commit ourselves to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power or authority to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine - neither will lose, both will win.
In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love, and peace.
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