Lenten Series: Walking My Easter with Heart Wide Open

Mona Tavakoli posted this image on her IG account and it reverberated through my entire being.

There is a slowness to me and how I experience life. A sage aunt once told me, it's because I have to relish every experience, bleeding it for every feeling and emotion; contemplating it's every facet; finding poetry in the joy and, especially, the pain.

One would think me wiser then, but I am not.  The poetry lures me into a loophole and I find myself running round and round the same path, never wiser, just more creatively foolish.

The past months, I carried myself through a slow death of my spirit.  Zombie-walking through life, until I saw myself in the grey, lifeless, crowd in "The Little Prince" movie.  I cried (as my son watched, amused) in the theater.  I cried for me.  I cried for a new song that my spirit will sing.

All I am is breath and vapor and shadow.
All I have is what I need and this I know.

There's an aching in my body, within my lungs.
This web of bones around my heart is coming undone.
I need a new song. I need a new song. 
I'm waiting in the night for you
burning the sky for you. Waiting in the night for you

(New Song by Audrey Assad)

The painful part is realizing, that the song had been inside me all along.  I had buried it underneath duties, responsibilities, plans and goals.  It scratched underneath and I pounded at it for being a distraction from my life. It died.  And I died with it.

Thankfully, life is a cycle.  Sometimes you have to die a little (or more) in order to steer closer to the true source of life - throbbing and burning underneath the rubbles. And then bravely dig it free.

I have resolved to dig my poor exhausted heart free and live the life I was meant to live; to be who I truly am.

I have resolved to walk my Easter and sing my new song with Heart WIDE Open!

Lenten Series: Cramming on a Good Friday

I intended to make it a meaningful Lent for my son and I, since he's old enough to understand and appreciate its importance.  Then, the next thing I knew, it was Holy Week. So, I crammed everything yesterday, on Good Friday.

I realized, I couldn't very well just jump into the Passion of Christ.  Since timelines work for him, I started off with the liturgical calendar.

The Colors

• Purple / Violet - officially, this color symbolizes: penance, humility and melancholy.  I explained violet seasons as seasons of waiting and preparation.
• White - officially, this color represents: light, innocence, purity, joy, triumph, glory.  I explained white seasons as seasons of celebration.
• Green -   officially, this color stands for:  hope, the Holy Ghost, eternal life.  I explained green seasons for making the ordinary extraordinary for other people without being told, even when no one is watching.
• Red - officially means:  the Passion, Blood, Fire, God's love, martyrdom.  I explained red seasons as seasons of special showers of graces.

The Seasons vs. Christ's Life vs. the Mysteries of the Rosary

• Advent (Old Testament)- This represents the time before Christ's coming, when everybody was waiting for the promised Messiah.  
• Christmas (Gospels / Joyful Mysteries) - The time of Christ's birth. 
• 1st Set of Ordinary Times (Gospels / Joyful Mysteries) - This was Jesus's growing up years; the time before His ministry.  Only very few stories are included in the Gospels.  This is the time when He was being prepared by Mary & St. Joseph to whom He was completely obedient.
• Lent (Gospels / Sorrowful & Luminous Mysteries) - This was the three-year ministry of Jesus, which starts from His Baptism by John the Baptist and culminates in His passion and death.
• Easter (Gospels / Glorious Mysteries) - The resurrection of Jesus, which made it possible for us to go to heaven.
• Pentecost (Gospels / Acts of the Apostles / Glorious Mysteries) - The start of the Church; the start of the Ministry of Mary and the Apostles.
• 2nd Set of Ordinary Times (Acts of the Apostles / Epistles / Revelation) - This is the times we live in, where we wait for Jesus' 2nd Coming as Christ the King.

Lent = Sorrowful Mysteries = Stations of the Cross

• Palm Sunday: This was when Jesus entered Jerusalem and He was welcomed like a hero or a rock star.
• Maundy Thursday - Last Supper: This was when Jesus instituted the Eucharist and mandated them to love one another - that is how people will know that they are His disciples.
• Agony in the Garden: This was when Jesus prayed to God the Father in preparation for what was going to happen.  He knew He was about to go through a lot of suffering and pain.  It scared Him so much, that He even asked God the Father to not let Him go through it.  But, in the end, He still said "not my will, but Your will be done, Father".  Doing God's Will will not always be easy.  Many times we will want the Father to "let this cup of suffering pass". But we have to ask for His grace to give us strength to trust and do His will, so that we can experience the Glorious mysteries He has planned out for us.
• Good Friday - Scourging at the Pillar/Carrying of the Cross:  I showed my son clips from the movie, Passion of the Christ. These two scenes had the most impact to him.  He saw how the devil was trying to weaken Jesus' spirit and how Mama Mary countered this with her presence.  Each time Jesus felt like giving up, Mama Mary was there, silently giving Him strength even though it was obviously very difficult for her to see Him suffering.  They went through the Passion together.  At one point, my son exclaimed, "Mom! Mama Mary could see the Devil! They are fighting over Jesus! Whoa!"  I told him that's how it is everyday, instead of Jesus, it's every man/woman that Mary is fighting with. 
• Good Friday - Crucifixion of Jesus:  Here, we talked about the 7 last words.  

1. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." In the midst of His sufferings, He still managed to forgive.
2. "Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise."  Jesus' death opened up the gates of heaven for us.
3. "Woman, this is your son ... This is your mother."  This was two-fold.  He made sure someone will take care of His mother during her final days.  But, the more important significance of this statement is Jesus entrusting mankind into the care of Mama Mary.
4. "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"  This is probably the darkest hour of Jesus.  He is very close to the Father who is the source of Love.  Not feeling His presence is the most difficult and most painful "torture" He had to endure as part of His sacrifice.
5. "I thirst."  I started by saying, "When He said this, He did not mean He was thirsty for water ..." My son finished it for me with, "He is thirsty for love ... from us.  I know, Mama.  I think it's because I am not listening to Him anymore. He talks to me when I pray, but I don't listen."
6. "It is finished." Mission accomplished.
7. "Father, into Your hands I commend My spirit"  Now it's time to go back to His Father.

• Black Saturday - "He descended into Hell / the Dead":  He picked up the worthy souls who have died and were waiting for Him.  He had the good thief with Him.
• Easter Sunday - The Resurrection - "On the third day He rose again":  And because of this, we can also have everlasting life in heaven.

Post Discussions:

A:  "What do we do in heaven, Mama?"

M: "We worship God and bask in His presence which is Love"

A:  "What happens in hell?"

M:  "In hell, you don't feel God's presence.  He is absent.  You don't feel Love, only emptiness.  That's worst than any form of physical torture."

A:  "I want to be good already, Mama.  I don't want to feel God's absence."

A:  "Why don't we eat meat every Friday, Mama?"

M: "It's our little way of taking part in the sacrifice that Jesus went through in order to give us access to heaven. It's not much.  Some people sacrifice or give up other things, not just meat."

A:  "Like what?"

M:  "Other favorite food; favorite things they do."

A:  "Oh." (He looked at his lightsaber thoughtfully)

M:  (I waited)

A:  (Nothing)

M:  (Oh, well ... maybe next year)

A:  "I'll try to stop grumbling and obey with a happy heart."

M:  (Alleluia!  Even better!) "Sounds good to me"

Culminating Activity:  Vision Boards!

Lenten Series: Taking the Long and Maundy Route

I've always wondered what "Maundy" meant.  Yesterday, my son asked me why Maundy Thursday was called such.  My response was a blank stare and a mental note to myself to finally look it up.

This is what (Online) Merriam-Webster gave me:

Origin of maundy

Middle English maunde, from Old French mandé, from Latin mandatum command, order; from the words spoken by Jesus to his disciples after washing their feet at the Last Supper, “a new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another” (John 13:34 Authorized Version).

Now that we've got that sorted out, let's move on to what I learned from yesterday's recollection held at St. Paul's convent in Pasay.  The speaker, Fr. Rey (I forget his family name), from the Society of St. Paul, chose to dissect the story of The Prodigal Son.

Quick Summary
There was a man with two sons.  The youngest asked his father for his inheritance.  The father, without a word of protest, gave his youngest son his share.  This son goes on to leave his home to spend his inheritance, living lavishly in another country.  A great famine broke out in that country and the youngest son was soon out of money.  He had no choice but to work at a swine place.  In his desolation and hunger, he remembered his life in his father's house and how even the servants are well-fed.  He resolved to go back home, ask forgiveness, and become a servant to his father.  While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and ran to meet him.  The father welcomed his son with a warm hug, a ring on his finger, lavish clothes and a huge party - with the fattened cow as main attraction.
When the eldest son came back home, after toiling in the fields, he heard the merriment and found out that it was for his younger brother who came back.  Naturally, he felt bad and refused to go in.  But his father came out to talk to him, explained everything and urged him to join the celebration.

We don't know if the eldest went in.  It's an open-ended story.   Fr. Rey says it's up to us to fill in the ending.  He also says that we have, in one way or another, played the role of all three characters.

The Characters
The Youngest Son
He is young; wants the most out of life; lives for the moment; rash or impulsive.  Some would think him selfish and stubborn.  BUT he is also humble, ready to accept his mistakes, ask forgiveness and willing to work his way back to his father's graces.

The Eldest Son
He is more mature; has foresight; responsible; obedient; hardworking; faithful.  Some would think him too quiet, unassertive, accepting everything until he just boils over (pa-martyr, in other words).  BUT he also exhibited the most love for their father, even getting hurt and angry at his brother for the pain his father went through.  He is also in need of love he is afraid to ask.  He never asked for anything. ("Son, you are always with me and everything I have is yours" ... all you have to do is ask).

The Father - the epitome of God the Father

Loving. He loved both his sons consistently and constantly albeit very differently - according to each son's language of love.

Wise.  He knew that his youngest son is stubborn and talking him out of his plans would only agitate him, so he allowed his son to go through the long and maundy (allowing his son to learn in his own terms is the hardest, most heartbreaking, but, also, most loving thing the father could do) route.

" ... Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly." (Edward Albee, The Zoo Story).

"One must first come around to asking a basic question before there can ever be a change in basic answers." (Robert L. Short, The Parables of Peanuts)

Patient.  He let his son go, allowing him as much time he needed to learn everything he had to learn from the entire experience.  Truly experience is the best teacher.

Expectant.  Note, that he saw his son coming from a long way away.  This means, that he had been expecting his son to come back home.  He was probably waiting and looking out for him everyday.  This shows: (1) how well he knew his son; and (2) his faith at his son's capacity for a change of heart.

Forgiving.  At the end of the day, no matter how much his son hurt him (Read: Asking for inheritance while he was still alive; wasting and losing all that hard-earned money; the gull to come back!), he forgave him.  In fact, he forgave him the minute he decided to give that inheritance.

Reconciling.  He went out of the house to reason with his elder son because, above all else, he wants the brothers to be reconciled and loving each other.

I find, that I have been a mixture of both brothers - stubbornly working on my plans in my own terms, following (forcing) my timing; while, at the same time, lacking in conviction that I am God's child, afraid (or, perhaps, too proud) to ask from His vast reserves of blessings and graces.  I have been taking the long and maundy route.  Hopefully, I would find my way back the short distance correctly by asking - with expectant faith - for His graces (and blessings!).

As a mother, I hope and pray for the courage to parent my son the way the father did - especially in terms of less talk and allowing him more freedom to experience life and learn from it on his own terms and timing.

Lenten Series: Jesus' Life is Art

I have just started reading "The Parables of PEANUTS" by Robert L. Short.  It talks about how Charles Schulz used the comic strip as a medium to share his Christian faith.

A few pages in, I was struck by the following lines:
"Art, on the other hand, can also entertain us, but it goes further.  It leads us through its dream back to a reality that perhaps we had not seen before or to a reality that we now see in a different light."

If you think about it, Jesus was an actor who immersed Himself completely into the role He was playing.  From the very beginning, He knew exactly what He was getting into.  He knew the script, how the story was going to play out.  He knew there was going to be a terrible passion ... before there can be salvation for men and resurrection; the Sorrowful Mysteries before the Glorious Mysteries.  And He played His role perfectly and faithfully.

Sunday's 2nd Reading:
Philippians 2:6-11
"Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped.  Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human   in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Jesus did not teach God's word in direct terms with a list of Do's and Don'ts.  He spoke in parables and He showed us through the life He lived and how He interacted with every person He brushed with.

"... sermons should not be preached  in churches but in the street, in the midst of life, of the reality, of the daily life, weekday life." (Kierkegaard)

From Sunday's 1st Reading:

Isaiah 50:4-7

"The Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue, that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them. Morning after morning he opens my ear that I may hear ..."

He did not have to scream who He was.  It was apparent in how He lived.

From Sunday's Gospel:
Luke 23:1-49 (or Luke 22:14-23:56)
Pilate asked him, “Are you the king of the Jews?” He said to him in reply, “You say so.”

"The centurion who witnessed what had happened glorified God and said, “This man was innocent beyond doubt.” When all the people who had gathered for this spectacle saw what had happened, they returned home beating their breasts;"

Walking through the dream of Jesus' life by contemplating the Gospels enables us to see the reality of our lives and to perceive it in a much different light.  Like any pure and true art form, Jesus' life moves us to change and to action.  The challenge is to live it consistently daily as He did.

Lenten Series: Chrysalis

I read an article about butterflies on "Today I Found Out" over the internet.  Below is a snippet:

"Today I found out caterpillars’ bodies “melt” almost completely before morphing into butterflies in the chrysalis.

In order for the change from a caterpillar to a butterfly to take place within the pupa, the caterpillar begins releasing enzymes that literally digest nearly all of its own body.  What’s left inside the chrysalis is mostly just a very nutrient rich soup from which the butterfly will begin to form."

The most significant and beautiful changes take place over a long and painful period.  In a lot of cases, it is not only a gut-wrenching but a caterpillar-body-melting-in-a-chrysalis process. To top it off, we don't normally know what the heck He's working on.  He's not the type who would show us a picture of a beautiful butterfly and tell us, "That's what I'm turning you into."  No. It's always a surprise.  And sometimes, even though we know He's working on us, it just gets so painful and difficult that  it's so easy - almost a comfort - to just give up, despair and raise a fist at Him (Read:  Seriously, what the hell, God?! Tao lang!).  

When you feel like you are in a chrysalis, go through these snippets from last Sunday's readings.

First, acknowledge it.

 

1st Reading: Isaiah 43:16-21

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

Often, we do not notice (or, perhaps, take for granted) the many blessings He set in place to make the journey / morphing a wee-bit easier.  Try and keep your eyes open.  They are there.  Take comfort in them and be grateful.

"Wild beasts honor me, jackals and ostriches, for I put water in the desert and rivers in the wasteland for my chosen people to drink, the people whom I formed for myself..."

When it gets difficult, it's easy to think, "Must I go through this? I'm fine just the way I am" and even hope for things to be the way they were before.  Don't give in. Eyes on the prize!

2nd Reading: Philippians 3:8-14

"Just one thing: forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God’s upward calling, in Christ Jesus."

Once He is done, rest assured that He will deliver 100% customer satisfaction and more. The blood, sweat and tears will be worth it.

Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 126:1-2, 2-3, 4-5, 6

"Those that sow in tears shall reap rejoicing. Although they go forth weeping, carrying the seed to be sown, they shall come back rejoicing, carrying their sheaves."

And then there should be no turning back.

Gospel: John 8:1-11

"Then Jesus said, “... Go, and from now on do not sin any more.”

Lenten Series: Changeovers

We've heard it said time and again:  The only constant in life is Change.  I agree!  And there is nothing quite as scary and exciting at the same time as Change about to happen.  When God brings you to the threshold of that door, your hand on the doorknob, about to turn it, there's that split second of anxiety and cold feet.  (I suggest to just go right ahead and take the leap of faith; lest it becomes a long and agonizing process). Then you turn the doorknob, rush in, heart beating wildly, eyes momentarily closed - and the exhilaration is just crazy! (Now open your eyes ... Wow! Right?!)

What the readings last March 6 stress is that, when God takes you through a changeover, it is always good.  

When He takes something, He gives something better.

1st Reading:  Joshua 5:9, 10-12

"On that same day after the Passover on which they ate of the produce of the land, the manna ceased. No longer was there manna for the Israelites, who that year ate of the yield of the land of Canaan."

It is worth noting here, that while God walks with you towards where you ought to be, He takes care of all your needs. (Much like parents make sure there are snacks in the car for the long drive to the beach.  It's not binge fest level, but it's sufficient).

When He brings change, it is complete.

2nd Reading:  2 Corinthians 15:17-21

"Brothers and sisters: Whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away. Behold, new things have come."

When He works on a heart, He changes it from the core - no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes.

Gospel:  Luke 15:1-3, 11-32

"He said to him, ‘My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’”

The process can be a simple and quick talk on a perspective change:  "My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours." (Read:  "All you had to do was ASK!").

Or it can be a long and painful "learning-by-experience" process where He lets you trudge on stubbornly, all the while believing in your capability to change; and patiently and expectantly waiting for the new YOU to come home:  "So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him. " 

Poetic Doses

"Run!", she screamed
I knew that she was right
And I knew that I should have
But I didn't
Although I could have
So, now, I have.

****

"Where are you off to?"  I asked.
"To the secret rooms of my mind," she replied, not looking back.
I had not seen nor heard from her since.
But she sent me these.
One day, I will find her and disappear with her.

****

It was there that I found her,
Underneath the lone light;
Deliriously chasing colors,
That tumbled from her mind.

****

But Time, I find, has no power here.

****

Finally, she leaned back, admiring her work.
"A masterpiece takes time, commitment, and a lot of heart," she said.
"Sounds like love," I said.
She shook her head,
"These days, hearts change faster than a masterpiece is finished.
Forever is a commodity used only as a pretty word in poetry."
I wanted to say, I have loved her forever,
but she was already staring out the window;
once again, lost in her own world.

****

And for the first time
She is able to see him
Differently
A smile tugging at her lips

And for the first time
He is able to study her face
Openly
A change from sidelong glances

And for the first time
They are face to face
Intimately
A palpable thrill between them

And for the first time
The point does not matter
Remotely
As they gave in to the kiss.

****

She walked briskly
Always rushing
He caught her eye briefly
A slight pause
Both shared furtively
Unspoken volumes
   in a glance
   and a smile.

Lenten Series: Time and Attention

Some miracles do not happen overnight.  Most take time, require much attention, tender loving care and a heaping of faith - stacked over and over and over again.

I've been a work-in-progress for years.  I don't know when I'll ever get to even a third of what He has planned for me.  But I am grateful, that, despite being a bonsai, the Gardener continues to believe in me, patiently tending to me, cultivating me and fertilizing my spirit --- especially at times when even I have thrown my hands up in frustration and given up on myself.  

From Sunday's Gospel:  Luke 13:1-9

"And he told them this parable: “There once was a person who had a fig tree planted in his orchard, and when he came in search of fruit on it but found none, 7 he said to the gardener, ‘For three years now I have come in search of fruit on this fig tree but have found none. So cut it down. Why should it exhaust the soil?’ 8 He said to him in reply, ‘Sir, leave it for this year also, and I shall cultivate the ground around it and fertilize it; 9 it may bear fruit in the future. If not you can cut it down.’”

Poetic Dose: My Faceless Series

I have believed
You
The dream of you
The possibility of you

I have followed
You
Amongst crowds
Into vast empty fields

I have touched
You
Your hands
And broad strong chest

I have felt
You
Your warmth
And the beating of your heart

Only in dreams ...

I have lost
You
In the sudden turns
And the sudden drops

Powerless

I let go of
You
The dream of you
The possibility of you

... and me.