There is a slowness to me and how I experience life. A sage aunt once told me, it's because I have to relish every experience, bleeding it for every feeling and emotion; contemplating it's every facet; finding poetry in the joy and, especially, the pain.
One would think me wiser then, but I am not. The poetry lures me into a loophole and I find myself running round and round the same path, never wiser, just more creatively foolish.
The past months, I carried myself through a slow death of my spirit. Zombie-walking through life, until I saw myself in the grey, lifeless, crowd in "The Little Prince" movie. I cried (as my son watched, amused) in the theater. I cried for me. I cried for a new song that my spirit will sing.
All I am is breath and vapor and shadow.
All I have is what I need and this I know.
There's an aching in my body, within my lungs.
This web of bones around my heart is coming undone.
I need a new song. I need a new song.
I'm waiting in the night for you
burning the sky for you. Waiting in the night for you
(New Song by Audrey Assad)
The painful part is realizing, that the song had been inside me all along. I had buried it underneath duties, responsibilities, plans and goals. It scratched underneath and I pounded at it for being a distraction from my life. It died. And I died with it.
Thankfully, life is a cycle. Sometimes you have to die a little (or more) in order to steer closer to the true source of life - throbbing and burning underneath the rubbles. And then bravely dig it free.
I have resolved to dig my poor exhausted heart free and live the life I was meant to live; to be who I truly am.
I have resolved to walk my Easter and sing my new song with Heart WIDE Open!
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