What "Fox And The Whale" Means To Me

For the past months sleep has been coming much later than usual.  I do not know if it is a sort of coping mechanism, but there are days I find myself wide awake till 5 am.  

Bedtime had always been a sacred time for me and Anton.  When he was smaller, it was time for bedtime stories.  When he got a little bit older, it was time for Anton's stories.  The past few years, when I would come home really late from work or from business trips, bedtime meant a quick squeeze hug or kiss and his usual, "How was your day, Mom?", always said with his signature sleepy smile. There was comfort and security in coming home to him, even on nights he was fast asleep as I stumbled into our room.

Since he passed, bedtimes have been the most difficult time of the day, when I lay down my defenses and floodgates release the currents kept at bay the entire day.  Sometimes I would do my evening yoga.  Sometimes I watched something on Netflix or YouTube.

Early yesterday morning I chanced upon  "Fox and the Whale" on YouTube.  From the very beginning, the short film struck me as hauntingly poignant.  The texture and contrast of the imagery and animation was perfectly complemented by raw nature sounds and emotional music. Watching it, I finally realized what lies at the core of my pain. 

Each day I go through the motions of the living, diligently (sometimes deliriously; sometimes thoughtlessly) fulfilling my tasks and responsibilities.  Yet, just like the fox who sees the whale's tail everywhere he goes, I see Anton in everything --- a piece of paper, a random song or phrase, his favorite (or dreaded) food. As the fox finds himself coming back to the shore everyday, I find myself constantly aching, yearning and searching for that anchoring feeling of HOME.  And I don't know if I will ever find it again.

I am unmoored.

Chancing upon a whale tooth, the fox uses it to find the whale. But what he finds is the remains of a whale long gone. The fox is faced with the reality of letting go. He takes one final glance and heads back out, the sea calm and the sky clear.

Every night I have to wrestle between acknowledging the yearning and guiding myself towards acceptance that I will no longer have those pillow talks or the squeeze hugs and that beautiful beautiful smile.  Unlike the fox, though, whose search closes as he leaves the whale's graveyard, my days are much like this short film --- in loop.

Anton was my home, and, though I try to find meaning in the remaining days God has gifted me with, these days sometimes feel more like purgatory.

I know, someday, when my heart is ready and no longer heavy, I will go out towards the clear blue sea and sky. I will find strength knowing I carry him with me wherever I go.  But, until then, I am a fox haunted by a whale's magnificent tail (or a Little Prince's quirky laughter).

   

To Love In Anton's Fashion

One of the things Anton and I shared in common was our love for music (Again, NO.  It doesn't mean that I can sing like any normal Filipino. That Filipino gene skipped me).  And, through the years, it has been our special medium of communication.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual and prepared for the special Mass we organized with his closest family and friends. Schuyler Fisk's Fall Apart Today started playing.  I was singing along to it until I realized the significance of the song.

 Fall Apart Today

I don't want us to fall apart today or ever
You're the one who said you'd never leave

There's no good reasons for giving up
All this mess is just bad luck
So please don't lose your confidence in me

I wish I wasn't so fragile
'Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle

Baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today

Oh my baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today

I don't wanna feel like this
But I'm so tired of missing you

I don't wanna beg for your time
I want you mine, all mine

I wish I wasn't so fragile
'Cause I know that I'm not easy to handle

Baby please
Don't forget you love me
Don't forget you love me today

I first heard this song around the time Anton got diagnosed with ADHD and it was particularly difficult managing his issues at the big school we enrolled him in.  It is a traditional Catholic school and, while my almost-weekly meetings with his teachers helped the younger teachers handle him better, was just not equipped to manage kids with special needs.  He was seeing the toll on me whenever I came back from business trips and received "love" letters from his teachers.  The kid can read me (especially my frustration) like an open book and he felt it was his fault.  The song felt like him singing to me and was actually the song that made me decide to homeschool him.

I don't know when exactly, but there was a time when this song came on while we were in the car and he said he liked it.  I told him the meaning of the song for me, explaining the lyrics --- because he is more drawn to the melody than the lyrics. He paused and gave it a thought before saying, "Awwww, Mom.  I love you, too!" 

So ... when it hit me, I naturally started bawling and whispered, "I love you, too!"  

In today's Mass, Fr. Junjun Borres, SJ talked about how we are not just celebrating the Saints who have been canonized, but everyone who willed to love God above all else and willed to love the poorest. He stressed that we should not see these people as antiseptic saints. The Saints also had their own struggles and neuroses.  He went on to say that Anton, despite his challenges, embodied that kind of love.  

• He loved fully.  What he lacked in vocabulary, he more than made up in action.  His love language was service and he always went the extra mile; sometimes too far 😅.  
• He loved blindly.  Anyone who was ever loved by Anton will know that he has the tendency not to see his loved ones' faults.  It also means that he will, literally, stand up and fight for anyone he loves - regardless if their wrong or right.  This is how he got into trouble with Lolo.  Whenever my Papa reprimanded me during meal times, he would speak up (deemed as talking back; thus, disrespectful) on my behalf.  I would give him "the look" to shush him and he would start to say, "But, Mom ...!" 
• He loved bravely and persistently.  Even if it is unrequited or outright rejected.  I was teaching Anton to be discriminating about people he will love.  Afterall, not everyone has good intentions.  "You need to protect your heart from getting hurt," I told him.  To which he retorted, "But why, Mom?  Just love, right?"  It was the only lesson I taught him that he outright rejected.   A friend remarked, "We were all like that at one point in our lives. Kids really shouldn't listen to us."  It is a lesson I am finding hard to relearn but trying.  Love for the sake of loving.  Isn't that the  point of the Gospels?

The same friend (above) shared this beautiful song by Tracy Chapman The Promise.

The Promise

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

Oh, I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

I believe this is his special message for me today, an affirmation of all the ways I knew he was showing me his love every single day since. Death will not be the reason for us to fall apart, but will make our bond stronger.  I keep thinking, if there is anyone who will be able to pull it off, it will definitely be Anton.  He always found creative ways in life to love, what more in the afterlife 💗

My son is a true Force of Love and I will do my best to honor him by loving in his fashion.

 

Once Upon My Dream

                                         

An hour ago, I just finished binging "Emily in Paris".  (These days I only watch romcoms or light family movies). I was past "sleepy", so I decided to do some art therapy (it's World Mental Health Day afterall).  I opened my box of art materials and put on some music.

Then Lana Del Ray's "Once Upon A Dream" started playing.  

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you
That look in your eyes is so familiar, a gleam

And I know it's true
That visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream

Lyrics like that ... of course, it struck a cord! And it opened up the floodgates which I managed to keep shut for a week now with the help of work stress. Damn.  No turning back now.

The past 15 years definitely felt like a beautiful dream I just suddenly woke up from. Some days I feel so disoriented.  I can't tell if the past 15 years was the dream.  Or this life is.  It's so hard to believe that the past 3 months and my years with him were actually part of one life story.  Even in good days there is this terrible unshakable aching in my heart and I wonder how is it that I am still breathing.  Even with my family around me, loving me and supporting me, I feel alone and isolated.  He was mine and I was his.  Now I feel like I don't belong.  No one to call mine. 

My son loved me at once, entirely and irrevocably. Even when Monster Mom made her appearances, he would remain still through it all and then crawl right back into my arms. His affection and high regard for me never altered.  Sometimes I feel as though my son saw me through starry eyes.  I was always the best and always beautiful --- even while I laid in bed all day, crumpled with dysmenorrhea. Some people might think that he says these things just to get his way, bolero ... but it's really just how he is.  When he loves someone, he loves them despite of and inspite of. 

He shrugged off anything hurtful hurled his way.  Sometimes he didn't understand --- and I am grateful for the bliss ignorance brings.  Sometimes he did.  When he did, he felt it at his very core.  I cry with him secretly, while I put on a Tiger Mom front. I would teach him the importance of protecting himself and not allowing himself to be vulnerable to heartaches. "There will always be people who will use you and hurt you," I tell him, "Stay away from them."  But he would tell me always, "I think he/she can be a good friend, Mom."  Then, after just a couple of weeks, "I talked to him/her, Mom.  I think he/she is now a good friend."  Of course, I am skeptical.  But he truly and honestly believes that everyone can be a good friend.  He would always reach out to people, even when they are already being outright rude to him.  And he keeps trying.  I used to feel hurt for him and worry how he will survive this awful world we live in.  

A few weeks ago, I watched "The Little Prince" again on Netflix.  I realized how I probably doomed myself to losing him the minute I started referring to him as my Little Prince.  Or, perhaps, a part of me always knew that God had only lent him to me.  Whatever it is, I found so much parallelism between the story and my life with him.  

Once upon my dream, I walked with my Little Prince.  I scrambled to teach him how to survive life.  But, really, he was the one who taught me (and continues to) how to live it:  fearlessly and honestly, anchored in that stubborn belief that each person is truly good inside and worth as many second chances as they need.

And, like the pilot or the fox, I only fully understood it after he was gone.

"Mom, I'm not gone.  Only different."

 

When Star Wars And Mama Mary Collide

Taken from the internet

On the day we buried my son, I found a brief moment with him before they took him to the car that transported him to his final resting place. I whispered to him, "You have to guide me now ... because I don't know what to do without you.  Give me neon signs, okay?  You know how slow and dense I can be sometimes."

So, when Star Wars and Mama Mary collide, it can only be my son's creative genius; making sure I don't miss the 4th puzzle piece.

Yesterday my 1-year old nephew decided he wanted to open Mary's Blue Book (which we read after praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy and the Holy Rosary), so my brother (his father) assisted him.  It opened to an entry entitled, "Vigilant Sentinels".  

I laughingly thought to myself, "Wow! Mama Mary likes Star Wars, too".  The first time I heard of the term, "sentinels", was during a Star Wars conversation with Anton.  He decided he was a Jedi Guardian and was debating with himself if I was a Consular or a Sentinel.  

For better context, below is Wookieepedia's definition of Jedi Sentinel:

"A Jedi Sentinel was the name given to one of the three distinct schools of thought of the Jedi that sought a balance between the two other branches, the Consulars and the Guardian. While they possessed considerable combat skills and had somewhat extensive knowledge of the Force, Sentinels blended both schools of teaching and amplified them with a series of non-Force skills, such as in the fields of security, computers, stealth techniques, demolitions, repair, or medicine."

Two paragraphs from the entry struck me:

1. "Entrust to the angels of light of my Heart all that has to do with this new itinerary of yours.  They will carry you on their wings and will keep watch lest you strike your foot against any obstacle." I resented the archangel, St. Raphael.  On the eve of his passing, Anton specifically told me, "Mom, I prayed to St. Raphael to heal me." When he died, I thought, "Where are you now, Raphael?"  Now Mama Mary was telling me to trust the angels with my "new itinerary".  That can only by St. Raphael for me; afterall, he is the patron of good travels and has been my constant active prayer partner for years.
2. "Oh, in your days, how beautiful are the feet of those who announce peace, of those who spread the good news of salvation and of the triumph of divine mercy!  You must be these announcers of peace.  You must be today vigilant sentinels upon the mountains of confidence and hope."  I immediately thought about my conversation with my son and how his final assessment was that I should be a sentinel, since I would typically go for harmony but able to fight when the situation calls for it.  I agreed, thinking I also recognize the value of non-Force skills, meaning --- I am practical and utilize available resources, like technology.

These tie in with today's readings which talked about finding God in small things and conquering fear.

1st Reading: 1 Kings 19:11-13

"Then the Lord said to him, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will be passing by.” A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord—but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake—but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was fire—but the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound. When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went and stood at the entrance of the cave."

These days I had been anxious for God to reveal his grand plan for me, expecting it to come in some kind of epiphany moment.  But, so far, He had been giving me bits and pieces, and I have had to "strain" to hear it.  Not to mention, be patient for the rest of the pieces!

From the Gospel:  Matthew 14:22-33

After he had fed the people, Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and precede him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. After doing so, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When it was evening he was there alone.  Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore, was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night, he came toward them, walking on the sea.  When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified. “It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear.  At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”

When the crowd had dispersed, Jesus sought solitude by going up a mountain to allow Himself to grieve and to pray for guidance and courage.  Even Jesus had to pause and recalibrate His direction.  Losing my son felt like God just threw my plans to the wind.  I've never felt so lost and "not in control".  More than a month after, I feel as if my life's GPS lost signal and it's taking too long to recalibrate.  A part of me thinks that once I know what the plan is, then, somehow, this terrible aching will subside. 

But losing someone you love feels like sitting in a boat rocked by storms. It is difficult to find God and hear His voice amidst the pounding of your heart and the silent screams.  I have not not fully paused nor truly opened myself up to His guidance.  But today, I realized that the ghost I feared is actually Him reaching out to me and asking me to walk with Him and Mama Mary as a vigilant sentinel.

No, I haven't quite figured out the entire plan yet.  But I've got 4 pieces of the puzzle and it's slowly taking shape.

1. In my blog Mary's Tapestry Of Love, she said that something good will come from this.
2. In Wisdom For A Grieving Heart, I was reminded by FB Memories (no less!), that there is a plan and that I won't miss it.  (When I read it, I whispered to my son, "Make sure I don't miss it!".  Afterall, Fr. Junjun said, Anton is now a strong Advocate for everyone he loves.  His friends think he probably asked God to send us an army of angels each to keep us all straight. I wouldn't put it past him ... Haha!).  Then I learned about the best tool from Bishop Ambo's homily the previous week:  Wisdom of the Heart - to help me discern God's plans for me; sort through the good and the bad; sort through the old and the new.
3. In The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous, I realized how generous God has been to me and I am called to live my life the same way, generously.

The 3rd Puzzle Piece: Teach Me To Be Generous

The 3rd Puzzle Piece

Last Saturday I was telling my sister, "I know all will be revealed in due time, but it would help if He gave me a tiny clue, at least; give me something to hold on to."  The clue came quickly through a part of last Sunday's Gospel:

"When Jesus heard of John the Baptist, He withdrew in a boat to a deserted place by himself.  The crowds heard of this and followed him on foot from their towns.  When He disembarked and saw the vast crowd, His heart was moved with pity for them, and He cured their sick." (Matthew 14:13-14)

I perked up when I heard the first line. Of course, Jesus wanted to grieve his cousin's death!  The way Bishop Ambo highlighted this and Jesus' response in his homily resonated with me.

"Remember that this began with the beheading of John the Baptist. Jesus heard that John the Baptist had been martyred.  He was beheaded.  And He wanted to grieve, but there was no time to grieve because so many people needed His attention. So instead of withdrawing into solitude, He served them generously." 

"... He [Jesus] would offer Himself as the broken Bread of Life; as a Body broken for broken people. Brothers and Sisters, we cannot call ourselves Christians if we do not allow Jesus to mentor us in the secret of multiplication." (Bishop Ambo)

I remembered a line I read in Cheri Roberto's book, "From Mourning to Morning": "Wow, God really doesn't waste your pain," Anna, when she heard that Cheri was called to establish the Grief Support group for The Feast, Alabang; when she became a broken healer.  God took what little she could offer, a bottle of tears (this is the title of a song my son had started to write which was sort of mentioned in the same book as a quote of Psalm 56:8), prayed over it and multiplied it as healing balm for other grieving hearts.

"Faith begins with the discovery of how generous our God is to us; and how He also teaches us to live our lives generously" (Bishop Ambo)

For days after my son died, I felt hurt and betrayed by God and Mama Mary.  Then I found a strip of paper with my son's notes.  In it he detailed how wonderful I was, enumerating my best qualities; and one line which said "I am God's greatest gift to her", something I used to tell him often, along with "You top my 'thank you' list."  I realized how generous God had been for giving me Anton in the first place.  

"... The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

Now, He is asking the same from me by living the rest of my life generously ... in honor of my son.  Afterall ...

"God sends His grace through the cracks of your broken heart." (Arun Gogna)

"You may no longer be able to hold the one who has gone, but you hold them in your heart and you continue to love them in a different way --- by channeling that love into acts of service for other people." (Mitch Albom)

Prayer for Generosity

(By St. Ignatius De Loyola whose feast coincided with Anton's 40th Day)

Dearest Lord, 

Teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as I should;
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward,
save that of knowing that I do your will.

The Other Half Of It

Today, I had a Zoom meeting with some of Anton's closest friends from CLP to talk about our latest favorite movie, "The Half Of It".  (We had fun, but that's a different story). So, last night, I decided to watch it again, to refresh my memory on the specific scenes that Anton and I talked about.

Of course, I cried ... because I remembered the warm fuzzy feeling of sharing such a special time with my son, just the two of us in my room, talking till the wee hours of the morning.  I remember being in awe at how grown-up he suddenly was, wondering how the tiny snip of a man who stole my heart had grown into this beautiful human.

And I cried ... because I now understand why my favorite relationship was that of Paul's and Ellie's.  I realized the dynamics of their friendship was similar to the one I have with my son.  

Paul was this simple pure soul who saw the world as it is and humans as they are, without judgement.  He is governed by his heart and gives his 200% in everything he does, especially in loving.  And he gets so focused on the object of his affection that he tends to be oblivious to everything else.  He decides on something and goes for it without much thought or consideration ... as long as it feels right.  He is not very articulate, but he is attentive.

That is my Anton.

Ellie, on the other hand, is so focused on being grown-up.  Responsibilities is king.  She thrives on routine which gives her a feeling of being in control of her situation.  She is strong and independent, taking care of her father and covering for his responsibilities.  Her life revolved around the care of her father, making decisions based on what is most practical for both of them.

That is me, except my life revolved around Anton.

When Paul decided he wanted to pursue Aster, Ellie thought it was a long shot. She coached and mentored him, giving him pointers on what to talk about with Aster, complete with tips and tricks on Italian and French names.  She even jumped in to save him by texting Aster when she felt he was about to crash and burn.

As my son was in the spectrum, he struggled with social cues and cognition.  There were times he would not understand the context of the discussion, missing the point or missing the joke entirely.  Thus, he is unable to follow and would try to save face by mimicking everyone's reaction or just grinning or laughing.  

When he reached puberty, I knew I had to stop homeschooling him and enroll him into a school that meets his needs. Not just because the subjects are beyond my brain power, but, more importantly, because his personality craves for interaction.  And I recognize how critical it is to build meaningful relationships with peers at this stage in his life.

So, after searching high and low, we finally found the right school:  Creative Learning Paths.  It is a Peace school with a low teacher-student ratio, integrates neurotypical and neuroatypical kids, and partners with our therapy center (CANDENT).

The first few months, I talked to him daily about his interactions with friends.  I explained to him the context and gave him insights on the conversations he had.  And the minute that I spot someone taking advantage of my son's eagerness to make friends, I get on a phone call with his homeroom teacher and in-house therapist.

Then he started making more friends, and he didn't tell me about all of his conversations anymore.  He was getting adjusted and was having fun.  Sometimes too much fun, that I got "love" letters from his homeroom teachers.  But that's normal.  And, when I met his friends in some of the school events, I thought the kid's fine. 

Just as Paul did fine, when he decided to take the leap and make his move --- without Ellie's blessings.

The trouble was, Anton wanted to fit in so much that he started acting like everyone else, suddenly "liking" things that he used to roll his eyes over.  He did not have his own opinion.  He followed what everybody else thought was cool ... or right.

"I'm like a lot of people, which kind of makes me no one." (Aster)

I talked to him about it, challenging the new hype he gets into. "Do you really like this or that?  Why?  What do you like about it? What do you REALLY like?"  

I remember him talking about the "freedom to be who I am".  "But who are YOU?", I countered, "You need to figure that out first before you can be 'who you are'."  I told him how everyone is in a journey of self-discovery.  No one has everything figured out, especially not at his age.  But he needs to decide for himself what he believes in and stands for.  He should not allow others to pressure him.  There is no shame in being different as long as you are being authentic. 

And, I believe, that is exactly what he strived to be:  authentic ... and loving, in his own fashion.

"The good thing about being different is no one expects you to be like them." (Ellie)

By the end of the movie, Paul's simplistic view of life and love expands.

"I always thought there was the one right way to love.  But there are so many more ways than I knew.  I never want to be the guy who stops loving someone for the way that they love." (Paul)

While Ellie learns that it is okay to take risks, to allow herself to love (and be loved) and to go for her dreams --- even if it gets messy and uncontrollable sometimes; even if it is unsafe or impractical for the people she loves.

"Love isn't patient and kind and humble.  Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold.  It's not finding your perfect half - it's the trying and reaching and failing."

"Love is being willing to ruin your good painting for the chance at a great one."  (Ellie)

I made it my life goal to rear Anton into a good and positive member of society, a dancer of life and a mover of mountains.  In the process of guiding, teaching and coaching (also, ordering around) Anton how to maneuver through life, I learned that loving is about trusting, taking risks ... and letting go.

That is why Paul's and Ellie's friendship was my favorite in the movie --- because, although they couldn't be more different, they found their person in each other.  They took the time to know, understand and accept each other, finding and nurturing that special connection.  They both matured exponentially as they found the courage to take risks and support each other.  Their relationship was built on and grew with their faith on each other ... and love, in its purest form.

This sums up my life (and afterlife) with Anton.

Anton lounging on my bed after we discussed the movie,
pretending he doesn't know I'm taking a photo. Hahaha!

Wisdom For a Grieving Heart

#EasterEggsFromAnton

Yesterday was the 40th day of Anton's passing.  I organized a Zoom Mass and Kuwentuhang [Storytelling] Anton session with a small group of close family and friends.  I tried to bring in everyone who, I know, was important to Anton at different points in his life (I realized today that I still managed to miss a good number of people - Sorry!).  It was a good move.  We had fun reminiscing about Anton's crazy antics growing up.

We had a bout of awful weather yesterday, as if the heavens took it upon itself to express the state of my heart and spirit.  (They say the 40th is when the soul goes home to the Father and I feared I would feel him less thereafter).  Had I not organized the event, I probably would have spiraled into a really depressive state of mind. 

This morning, I woke up to the following Facebook memories ...

1 Aug 2014

God's message for me today:

I have my plans.  He has his.  Just because things are not going as I planned, doesn't mean it's not going to be great.

My standard of perfect is not His standard of perfect.  Just because it's not my kind of perfect, doesn't mean it's not the right kind.

1 Aug 2015

"There is a plan.  You won't miss it."

(From the prayer app shared by my friend, Elmer)

... and, I realized, these couldn't be more relevant today.  I feel lost.  It was as if God took one look at my plans, said "This won't do",  and scrapped everything.  My plans revolved around what is best for Anton; whatever it takes to help him achieve God's plans for him.  I just didn't think he would achieve it so soon.  

I totally missed the plan.

This made me think of last Sunday's readings, which revolved revolved around wisdom and God's plan.

Snippet from 1st Reading (1 Kings 3:5, 7-12)

"Give your servant, therefore, an understanding heart to judge your people and to distinguish right from wrong.  For who is able to govern this vast people of yours?"

2nd Reading:  Romans 8:28-30

Brothers and sisters:  We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.

Snippet from the Gospel (Matthew 13:44-52)

"Do you understand all these things?"  They answered, "Yes."  And he replied, "Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old."

When I heard the 2nd reading, I thought, there's something in here for me.  And Bishop Ambo's homily did not disappoint.  While he did not answer my questions, he provided me with the tool:  Wisdom of the Heart.  He talked about its 3 aspects.

1. It helps identify hidden treasures.  He said:  "The things of value in this world are not obvious.  They are normally hidden, waiting to be discovered.  They are not yours until you  have learned to give up everything to acquire them."  Anton was a hidden treasure.  As a teenager, his big personality, always excitable and with a dramatic flair, was a little bit much for some people. One of his friends said, "He is not everyone's cup of tea."  But, once you give him a chance and let him into your life, you will have someone who will love you blindly and irrevocably.  He spoiled everyone he loves with his love language of service.  So, when I lost him (my everything), I struggled to understand God's wisdom in it.  I still have not found the hidden treasure, but I am hopeful to find it someday.
2. It helps sort between the good and the bad.  Bishop Ambo said, "St. Luke says twice in the infancy narrative, that Mary kept these things in her heart.  I think Luke is describing to us the wisdom of the heart that enabled Mary to sort things out.  She definitely did not keep everything -- because not everything is worth remembering.  Sometimes it is best to forget certain things.  The problem is when we forget what we need to remember; and we remember what we need to forget.  We can end up cluttering our souls, our hearts with toxic memories of anger and resentments and negative memories [regrets]."  When Anton died, I was plagued by all of those times Monster Mom was unleashed, those times I was tough on him or the times I spent working long hours or travelling for weeks.  I found it hard to sleep.  Everytime I closed my eyes I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and the images of those moments would flash in rapid succession.  And then, one night, I heard his voice in my head chiding me with, "Mom!"  (It's a word he can say in 10 million different ways and it would mean something different).  I knew it meant "Stop it".  The following day I started getting #EasterEggsFromAnton.  One of them was a loose page with a narrative of how he saw me.  I will not share it, but it was the reassurance I needed.  The Saturday after that, I decided to back-up all his childhood photos on the cloud.  It was something I'd been meaning to do but never got around to.  My mom sat with me for awhile and she said, "He had a full, happy and beautiful life."  Before me was all the good that I had to remember.
3. It helps us sort the new and the old.  "Hindi lahat ng bago ay dapat tanggapin at hindi lahat ng luma ay wala nang halaga." ("Not everything that's new is worth welcoming and accepting; just as not everything that is old should be thrown away").  These past days I am holding on to all the old that is worth keeping and finding value in the difficult new normal I have to live through for the rest of my life.  Already his passing has resulted to positive change in the lives of family and friends.  While it is nothing compared to holding and hugging him, I find comfort in little moments when he would manifest in one form or another.  

During one of the most difficult nights of the past 40 days, a friend of mine reminded me about something I had written in my blog,  When The Half Of It Is Actually Brimming

Afterall, the unspoken clauses connected to "I love you" are:

• wherever you are
• whoever you are now
• whoever you are growing into
• however you need to be loved
• even when you don't need me anymore

He's not gone; just different.  Wherever he is, I know he continues to love me and everyone he loved by being our strong Advocate before God (and finding ways to give us #EasterEggsFromAnton - like the photo above, which he took and saved on his Google Photos).  And I know, he knows I continue to love him and will honor him by marching on, "keep on swimming" (Finding Nemo), "keep moving forward" (Meet The Robinsons).

Are things getting better?  Easier?  No.  There are good days and bad days; sometimes they're worse. But I am hopeful it will get better someday; that I will see how this fits into Mary's Tapestry Of Love for me. 

I chanced upon below photo from Emily King's IG.  It was the image of hope: that, after I immerse myself in this grief, I will emerge to a Someday much like this -- within and without.

Though you are a million miles away

I feel your love shining down on me

So let me stay here, basking in your warmth

Until my heart is as placid as these waters

And, then, steady on my feet,

I will walk where your light leads.

From Emily King's IG Post

Mary's Tapestry of Love

"God ordains everything, including painful and difficult moments, for the good of those who love Him."

This was the introduction to today's 2nd Reading. 

Excerpt from 2nd Reading - Romans 8:28-30

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

This reminded me of something I noted on my phone.  It was a line from Mama Mary's Blue Book that my family reads during prayer time: 

"Your whole life has been a tapestry of my love."  

Anton asked me why I decided to make a note of it on my phone.  I said, because it is a truth of my life.  Every bad thing that has come my way has turned into some form of blessing.  And then I lost him 2 weeks later.

On the night we laid him to rest, I was writing down another note on my phone when I saw it.  I broke down in painful inconsolable sobs.  "How is losing my son part of this tapestry of love?" I asked.  And the floodgates of resentments came pouring out.  "Why my beautiful boy?"  "What have I done to deserve this?"  "Am I an unworthy mother?" "He prayed to you everyday until his very last night!" "You answered his pettiest prayers, but you turned your back on him when it mattered most" "How is this a blessing?" "Is this what it means to be under your tutelage?"

Her response was:

1. It is God's Will.
2. Yes.  Something good will come from this.
3. I have walked this way.  And I am walking with you now.

I calmed down some.  She lost her son, too.  He was betrayed, tortured and crucified for our salvation -- and she bore the pain of witnessing it all. Then I argued, "You at least knew what you were getting into and signed up for it.  You said, YES."  That is not technically true, though.  She knew He was the Savior.  She knew her heart was going to be pierced by a sword.  But she did not know He would die or the magnitude of the pain she would have to live through.

I then argued back, "You only had Black Saturday to live through and then it was Easter Sunday."  Yes, Jesus showed Himself in tangible form for a few days, but He went back to the Father. And Mama Mary remained to guide and support the new Church. 

As my friend, Monica (Tita Adele), told me, "Game over.  Mission Accomplished na si Anton".  During his final months, while we were locked up, the family witnessed his transformation through prayer, constant questions on the Catholic Faith and the daily effort to follow Christ's teachings.  I realized, in the same way that Jesus' mission was accomplished after His resurrection, Anton had accomplished his mission here on Earth.   And in the same way that Mama Mary carried on to fulfill her motherhood role to the new Church, so I must carry on and move forward towards God's plans for me (although I don't really know what yet).  

The road ahead is definitely not easy.  The scope and depth of my loss is still expanding with a steadily growing list of "firsts without Anton" that pierce my heart each day.  But I take comfort that Mama Mary has walked this way and is holding my hand through this difficult road; holding fast to her tapestry of love; trusting fully in His promise that all things work for good.  Plus, I have the most amazing support system in my family and friends whose tapestry of love and prayers I feel strongly despite the constraints of COVID19.

P.S.

Be careful what you pray for.  This was my daily prayer for Anton as part of our Intentions list:

May Anton grow in godly wisdom and love, harnessing his gifts that he may serve as a true Jedi Knight of Christ; may he find the love that God has planned for him and me he love truly, faithfully, honestly -- God first, family second and humanity as a whole.  May he be selfless; pure of heart, mind and soul.

In true Jedi form, he is now one with The Force.

Joy of Swimming Alone

I used to write down conversations with A when he was younger. They either cracked me up or touched my heart.

This was a conversation with 6-year old A (December 23, 2011) that has taken on a new meaning ...

A: Mom, did you swim in Vietnam after work?

Me: No. I didn't have time, plus I want to swim with you.

A: But you should swim by yourself, Mom. In Palawan I swimmed (swam) by myself and I'm still happy. You will be happy, too.

(From my #Antonisms archives)

Poetic Doses: Month 1 without my Rainbow Prince

Bangle from Aika and Em

I do not fear darkness

Nor shadows that creep;

I fear the silence;

The throbbing absence.

***

Oh, for even just the briefest moment

Take me back to that one day

When my heart was sure and at peace

The day you came home to me.

***

I am tempest

I am storm

I wield fire with my rod

I will not be calm

I shall rage

Until you fathom the depths of

My pain.

***

Time is circular

Your life beginning

Where we must end

In an eternal dance

I love you

Never

Forever

Always.

***

For what is death

If it meant

A moment

In her embrace?

***

Waiting?

Or searching?

I do not know anymore;

But I am rooted where I stand

Until I find the courage

Until I am compelled 

   to finally move.

***

Mary, Mary, not so merry

Her poppin' heart popped into smitherins.

***

As the world sleeps, I stay awake

After his whirlwind, a vacuum in his wake

Dreams of walking with giants and finding his niche

All flew with the wind, at the bud nipped

Hiding for days, up upon a cloud not near or far

This will take more than a spoonful of sugar.

***

These days I carry you with me

with

A lump in my throat

A knot in my stomach

And a boulder on my chest.

***

Art by:  Melissa Villasenor

My Little Prince

Star of my galaxy

My life's heartbeat

Reason for being

Keep strutting my way

My Jedi Guardian

Sweet angel over my shoulder.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

Before dawn's break

She came

And carrying him upon her bosom

Flew home towards the Sun.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

I feel its tug under the current

I close my eyes in surrender

And then I hear a thousand whispers

Prayers echoing in the darkness

Until the lightness embraced me

And I emerged just above these high waters.

***

Chasing Stars (v2)

darkness engulfs the vast sky

just moments after the sun's parade;

and it grows with every heartbeat

until the emptiness seems absolute;

the pain, wrenching,

from a beloved irrevocably lost;

then, with a blink, pinpricks of light ---

they appear in silent succession;

the constricting darkness gives way to

a boundless bejeweled sky;

and I --- I fall into its quiet embrace

of endless possibilities;

this is where I will remain,

embracing the darkness, chasing stars;

as I await the promise

of my inevitable new dawn.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

Take me here sometime

Halfway between

where you are

and where I am.

I promise I will laugh

at your every silly antic

If you promise to hold me

when the sobs bubble up.

***

Art by:  Chris Riddell

Without you ...

The same world

Just devoid of color

And a sky

perpetually heavy with rain clouds.

Taken from Internet

My Little Rainbow Prince

Anton is my Little Prince.  He came into my life in much the same way as the Little Prince landed on earth.

“Out of nowhere you came;

From a little dust and a little rain;

And when I looked down at your face:

It showed to me the Truth and Grace.”

The first word Anton spoke to me was “Mama”.  With that one word, he chose me and breathed meaning into my life. It was the moment I truly came alive.  Before him, I was just rolling along.

Because of him, Ina and I discovered fun things to do during weekends vs. just staying cooped up in our rooms with a good book. 

Because of him, I rekindled my patriotism and curiosity for our history.  His first hero was Lapu-Lapu. When he was 3 years old, he stood up on the bed in the middle of the night and posed like the Lapu-Lapu statue found in one of Makati’s busy intersections.  But his true hero was Andres Bonifacio.  So, you can just imagine how upset he was when they published a movie on Emilio Aguinaldo.

Because of him, I learned to be a bit more friendly. 

Anton came brimming with life and a thirst for interaction – something I shied away from.  He makes friends with servers of restaurants we frequent.  He knows them by name and they know him. I remember there was this one time we wanted to eat at Friday’s but there was a long queue.  He saw Ate Zarah and waved at her.  The next thing we knew we were seated. 

In my office, he would make the rounds across the different floors whenever I brought him to visit.  He became so famous, that one day I was interviewing with another manager I haven’t worked with yet.  He looked at me and said, “You’re Gem, Anton’s mom, right?”. My son was more famous than me in my own office!

Oh, and I also got called into my Associate Director’s office one time.  Apparently, my son talked to him about a very serious matter.  And that was how my Development Plan included an Action Plan to find a father. (Obviously, I failed that one).

 

 Because of him, I learned punctuality.  He is my cuckoo clock with snooze.  The night before he would ask me if I have a meeting or an appointment.  Whenever I do, he wakes me up and then comes back every 10 minutes to make sure I am up.  He gets really anxious when I am about to be late.

Because of him, I learned diversity and inclusion.  He was in the spectrum – both autism and gender identity. It was not easy. We had a lot of struggles, especially during homeschooling days.  And, when puberty and the crazy hormones hit, it felt like a restart button.  He craved for all forms of interaction and was doing everything to belong and be accepted by peers. I saw his struggle to understand his thoughts and feelings and how to articulate them.  During this phase, I am grateful he was brave and trusted us and special friends with them.

Anton struggled with social cognition.  And, yet, when it comes to people he loves, he was so attuned that he could anticipate our needs.  He takes one look at me and knows that something is troubling me.  He knows when Lola is upset or when Auntie Ina needs space or when Auntie Aika needs help with the kids (or her pretty bags).  He is the best Kuya in the world, especially his cousins; always attentive and giving in to what they want.

For Anton, everything was black or white.  There is no middle ground.  This means, when he believes you are good, he is blind to your faults.  When he believes you are “bad”, he tends to be blind to your merits. This made him prone to being taken-advantaged of, as well as, being a “bitch”.  He gets really upset when Ate Gina does not follow Lolo’s or Lola’s instructions; and he tells her so.  It took a lot of sermons and movie processing for him to understand human frailty and the concept/value of kindness, but he did get it in the end. During his final weeks, he became beshies (bestfriends) with the nanny and made a habit of saying “Good morning” to Ate Gina and asking how her day has been.

Anton was gender fluid or agnostic, which, for me, simply means he sees the soul and not the gender.  He used to say, “She’s so beautiful, Mom!” or “Mom, he’s handsome” about random people we meet.  It got to a point when I said “Lahat naman sa’yo maganda or guapo eh” (Everyone’s beautiful or handsome for you).  But it’s because he sees the soul.

Because of him, I learned thoughtfulness and the love language of service.  Every meal time, he would be the last person to start eating because he makes sure that Lolo and Lola have water and that everyone’s choice of “sawsawan” (dipping sauce) is on the table.  He would also be the last one to finish, because as soon as we are done eating, he would get up and ask “who wants coffee?”; and proceed to make coffee.

Whenever anyone of us came home, he would be at the door ready to help carry bags and what-not into the house.

Until the end, even when he was in terrible pain, he still thought about everyone else. He changed his sheets, because we were doing laundry the following day.  He refilled the water pitcher for toothbrushing.  He insisted to sleep beside me, one final time. And left “Easter egg” messages in his phone and IG.

To quote one:

“Find peace in it.  Find strength and solace in it, throughout the dark days of COVID19.  We are given the opportunity to stay together as a family, to pray and spend time together.”

I know COVID19 has been a source of suffering for most people, but it has been a blessing for me.  Because of it, I was able to spend my son’s final months with him, 24/7.  The entire family grew closer, worked and prayed together. During this time, we were able to have difficult conversations and understood more profoundly how deeply we all loved each other; although our love languages may be different.  Had COVID19 not happened, I would likely be travelling.

His bond with and devotion to his little cousin, G, was out-of-this world; and vice versa. On his final day, when all the grown-ups were blind to it, G knew; and she was there for him, giving him the comfort and strength he needed to endure his final test – because of which, I believe, he gained a speed pass to Heaven.  I swear, it is as if they actually shared this secret and prepared for it together.  Anton and I promised not to keep secrets from each other, but this one, he shielded me from.

Most people who know our story say how lucky Anton is to have me as his mom; that I am God’s blessing to him.  In truth, Anton is God’s greatest gift to me.  This child who never ceased to see life with wide-eyed wonder took me through the craziest most awesome ride of my life.  He pulled me out of my shell and expanded me well beyond my perceived limits. 

I thought I was the rose to Anton’s Little Prince.  But it turns out, I was just the fox that he tamed or the pilot who gets to tell his story.

So, on this day, as we lay him to rest, I surrender knowing …

“Nagmula sa’Yo ang lahat ng ito

Muli kong handog sa’Yo

Patunbayan Mo’t paghariang lahat

Ayon sa kalooban mo”

(All these came from You

I offer them back to You

Guide and reign over them

According to Your Will)

I love you, Pong, to heaven and back!