We Are All A Little Mental

A couple of weeks ago, my sister told me I had to take her slot in a half-day workshop.  I grumbled a bit.  I mean, come on, it was a Saturday! (I had important plans, particularly to catch up on lost sleep).  But I woke up bright and early and marched into a nice little basement hall (with ZERO signal!) for the MAGIS workshop, Head On:  Let's Talk About Mental Wellness.

It was the best half day I spent without coffee in months!

There are 4 aspects that determine our overall well-being:  Biological, Psychological, Social and Spiritual.  For each of these, there is some way to measure whether a person is within normal range.  Normally (pun intended), a person can fall within normal range in one or more aspects, but rarely for all.  Thus, no one is absolutely "normal".  We are all within one type of spectrum or another.  In fact, if you aren't a little bit mental, you're probably not human.

The MAGIS group put together a comprehensive team of experts that talked richly (albeit briefly) on an array of topics, sufficient for a very good and growingly important base knowledge on mental health.  Below are some of the important points I learned that day:

• Mental health is driven by shifts or changes -- minor or major -- in our BioPsychoSocialSpiritual aspects. It can be from just one aspect or a combination.  This means, that there are only factors associated with the development of mental illness, but no definitive cause.  
• Many people can live with multiple factors conducive for a mental illness or even show symptoms sometimes, but are not clinically (meaning: consistently exhibiting the symptoms) diagnosed.  They are able to cope with the symptoms.  Studies show these are people who typically have a good support system.
• There are no absolute cures for mental illnesses, only remedies.
• Diagnosis is made using phenomenological perspective, meaning: based on observed symptoms (relying heavily on the clinician's judgement) vs. biological markers.  There are no bio markers that can conclusively indicate a mental condition.
• There is a huge variety of mental disorders with overlapping symptoms. Thus, it can be a challenge to conclusively diagnose a person without spending sufficient time observing him/her.
• Feelings and thoughts are uncontrollable.  We can only control our behavior or actions/reactions in relation to these.
• 6 out of the 9 basic emotions are universally viewed as "bad".  Because of this, people maintain a negative connotation when feeling these emotions, curtailing their natural tendency to "feel" these and process completely.
• The brain is neuroplastic.  It is highly flexible and changeable.  Synapses can be trained, exercised and strengthened.
• We can get a visual of these strengths/weaknesses of different areas of our brain through a Brain Map!
• Impulsiveness, Autism and ADHD are due to under-stimulated (under-aroused) brains.
• Impulsiveness and creativity are in the same area of the brain. Notice how artists seem to be a little bit more crazier? (Hehe!)
• Everything is dual in nature. Recognizing and accepting this helps us to deal with this duality better.
• Everyone is continuously looking for healing.
• Trauma is stored in the body and can manifest in different ways, including stiffness in movement.
• Movement creates change and, thus, can initiate a change in mindset.
• The expressive arts help access the internal.
• All art is good art and is always a good starting point of healing.
• As adults, the only time we allow ourselves to play is when we are around kids.  It is important to give ourselves a space to play and to be deliberate about playing for ourselves.
• These are the 7 levels of our existence.  All of these are important and we need to be mindful and actively cultivating the health of each.

1. Physical body
2. Breath
3. Mind (as in the function of the brain)
4. Intellect (judgment)
5. Memory
6. Ego (how you separate yourself from others; feeling of superiority or inferiority is an expression of Ego)
7. Spirit (that level of our existence that is most connected to all things)

Phew!  It's a laundry list, isn't it?  It's a barrage of knowledge nuggets that seem so diverse that it's easy to lose that hint of connection. I'm sitting here, wondering how I can elegantly tie it all together and close this blog.

What did I learn?  

First, when God said He created each of us uniquely, He wasn't kidding.  Therefore, there is no such thing as normal.  Each person was given a unique set of graces and abilities, designed for a very specific purpose in His overall plan.  Armed with these, He has set each of us on our very own journey.  Yes, our paths converge sometimes, but the entire journey is ours alone.  

Second, He didn't create us perfect (But what is perfect, anyway?), just perfect for our roles.  He purposely created us with some kinks and chinks, because we were meant to need each other.  We were meant to help and support each other.  We have our own struggles, most of them hidden (like icebergs) from even the closest people in our lives.  Once we are able to recognize and accept our struggles, we are able to seek, recognize and accept help from others.

Third, knowing and accepting these as universal truths should make us more compassionate and prompt us to give more allowances to each other, to #ChooseKind always. Deliberately.    

(Oh, and I think I have PMDD - Premenstrual  Dysphoric Disorder. Yes, it's an official mental disorder since 2013, apparently).

Poetic Doses: 187 to 196

#RayaBlabbers #365daysofpoetry
(These come with some nice photos in my IG account  @lightbulbs_heartstrings)

187

How complicated life is
When dealing with people
Yet there is no bliss
Quite like dealing with people.

188

Counting my blessings
1, 2, 3
First, the mornings when the heart sings
Then come noons with joy to come soon
And there are dusks when there is nothing more to ask
Till finally the good nights come to replenish the spirit's light.

189

Despite what I say
All I really want is for you to stay.

190

Help comes when it is needed
And His guidance is easier heeded.

All we need is to flow with His sure tide
And in His strong wind, to dance and glide.

***

It is all about God's impeccable timing and grace;
When moving pieces click suddenly into place.

191

Incline my ears to the truth of who I am
Over the buzz of damaging self-doubt.

192

This --
is where I found her
Between the folds
of my dreams
and angst.

193

Monsoon rains are such a pain (in the ...)
As if having wet feet were such a treat.
Today I witnessed you drop my heart
And just idly watch it drift past and far.

194

With so many things going on,
She repeated,
"Ladies, zip up your imaginary corsets."
I wanted to scream,
"You are evul!"
But, as my body screamed in pain,
my spirit soared to a higher plane.

195

For we are all in one form of spectrum or the other --
autism, gender preference or mental state.
Normal is so overrated.
And, I dare say, mythical.

196

With a little bit of teamwork, compassion and empathy,
we might all find the all elusive unicorns of
happiness, peace and love.

Art by Mister_Sasquatch on IG

Poetic Doses: 177 to 186

#RayaBlabbers #365daysofpoetry
(These come with some nice photos in my IG account  @lightbulbs_heartstrings)

Photo by:  Shaira Luna on IG

177

Looked up at the sky
In search of a falling star
To catch its magic
Between the palm of my hands
But all I found were dead stars
Floating, alone in a sky full and vast.

178

Foolish one,
Best bite your tongue
Lest in your haste
This heart you betray.

179

And after all these years
The sighs and the tears
It remains a mystery
Or a truth I refuse to see.

180

My weary heart longs for a home to call its own.

181

A shower of beautiful stars falling all around me
As I wish for the one that will fall into me.

182 

Can't wait to be home
Been lost for too long.

***

My heart craves to be 
In the arms of one who loves me.

***

She waited
Until her spirit waned
And her heart retreated.

183

He stared out at the horizon
While I sat staring at his back.

***

And I continue to wait
For a return or a coming.

184

My heart, broken a thousand times over;
I long for that day, when it is finally (truly) sober!

185

"I love you," she said,
And then walked away;
For as her heart was tormented by the burden of her secret,
so also did her mind fear his inevitable response;
She knew his truth
As much as she knew hers.

186

Pity me, pity you
When there is no me
In the universe of you.

Poetic Doses: 167 to 176

#RayaBlabbers #365daysofpoetry
(These come with some nice photos in my IG account  @lightbulbs_heartstrings)

Photo by @inadoodles on IG

167

You are as gold to my broken pieces;
Celebrating the broken parts, while lovingly mending;
In You I am made whole again in a beautiful way.

168

For in every bad there is a good;
All it takes are a big open heart and a pinch of faith.

169

Stretching beyond my perceived limits;
Withstanding some pain and
Accepting temporary discomfort.

170

How to deal with a man of steel;
A stubborn mule who'd rather be a fool?

171

Oh, to heck with it!  I'm coming clean.
I'd rather be any place with you in it.

172

How long or how far you roam
The heart knows its way home.

173

Calling on Dreamers ...
Painfully cognizant of the failures of the past;
Naively optimistic to actually shift the future;
And perfectly poised to change the world now.

174

Mundane chores that normally bores;
They open hearts and real conversations start.

175

Perhaps I will never understand her full beauty;
But it is enough that I glimpsed it for just a moment.

176

24-hour flight, what was I thinking!
Brain is out-of-sight and it's only Day 1 of the meeting.

"Did You Get Loved Enough?"

A couple of days ago, I was finally able to watch the full movie, "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood".  For years, I just saw bits of the movie, although I always meant to sit down and watch it.  I thought it was just awfully bad timing.  But, when I finally watched it, I realized, that night was the right time for me to see it.  I had been chewing on it these past days with so many thoughts swimming in my head.

Three events led me to think it was time to bring the thoughts to shore:

• I got so ticked off (okay. fine. I was heaving in anger) at two incredibly rude teenagers at the parking lot that I couldn't enjoy shopping (imagine that!).  So, my son did the only thing he could do:  he hugged me.
• I read this on the internet:  "If someone becomes angry over silly or petty things, it means he/she needs love."
• I watched "Incredibles 2" (it's an explanation too long for a parenthesis, so just watch it).

The scene that got me was the one between Siddalee (Sandra) and her father, Shep.

Shep:  "It can be summed up in, 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.'"
Sidda:  "What about the road back? What's that paved with?"
Shep:  "Humility"
Sidda:  "Really?  Does she even have that in her repertoire?"
Shep:  "Not that she'd care to admit.  Pride covers a multitude of sins.  But you live with someone long enough you can see what they're trying to hide by the way they try to hide it.  She's hurting, too, baby girl."
Sidda:  "Daddy?  Did you get loved enough?"
Shep:  "What is enough?  The question is ... did you?  It's never too late."


This reminded me of a common notion people have when children act out or when adults are particularly difficult: "He/She must not have been loved enough."

But what is enough?

To be loved means there is also a giver of love.  There are two people involved.

Two completely different people --- with different histories; different personalities and temperaments; different principles and values; different needs; different mental and emotional capacities; different love languages.

Two individuals experiencing life from very different perspectives --- with very different definitions of good days and bad days; very different stress levels; very different stress or pain thresholds; different goals and intentions.

I realized, any relationship --- whether between parent and child, between lovers / spouses / partners, between siblings, between friends, colleagues or even simple acquaintances --- is tremendously hard work!  It is a constant balancing act between two people, who trust and love each other enough to risk the possibility of getting hurt.

That is why it is important to choose well the people to maintain meaningful relationships with.  These are the people who love and value you for who you are --- perks and quirks; graces and faults.  They are the ones who will safeguard your vulnerability and protect your reputation, while serving you the painful truth upfront (without the frills or the ice cream).  They will gladly (or begrudgingly) walk that road back (half way or all the way, as needed) paved with humility.  And YOU will do the same for them ... so choose well!

BUT what is enough?

The truth is, there is never enough.  Only the constant awareness that each person is different and going through different circumstances; the deliberate openness to see and understand from another person's perspective; and the humble acceptance that we do not know and understand another person completely ... or that no one ever fully understands us.

Makes you wonder if you have loved enough, huh?

It's never too late.

Poetic Doses: 155 to 166

#365daysofpoetry Days 155 to 166

Art by Migs Villanueva

Building walls and closing bridges
Against two-way streets that run one way;
There will be no more carrying another's burden
Through looped roads made of quicksand;
Resolutely writing off love given to blind hearts
That there might be peace and no more spirits damaged.

Photo by Ryan Villar

Strength comes in many forms;
Sometimes it comes in silence.

Art by Toti Cerda

There are many ways to walk in the rain;
You can let it drench you, soak you;
Or you can let it cleanse you,
Perhaps even dance and sing in it.

Art by Ricky Ambagan

You can wait for the rain to stop;
Or you can make yourself an umbrella.

Photo by Ryan Villar

It grows and nobody knows

Will it ever end or even bend

There is peace from its space

And happiness in its wake.

Photo by Martin Nolasco

He gave her a piece of bread

"Eat it," he said

She smiled and stowed it in her pocket.

He gave her a bottle of water

"Have a drink," he said

She smiled and stowed it in her pocket.

In the rain, he tossed her a poncho

"You'll get drenched," he said

She smiled and stowed it in her pocket.

After the hike, she bid us farewell

And ran into their makeshift home

She smiled and emptied her pocket.

***

Little corner in an ice cream shop

With the little comfort for my weary heart.

***

Photo by Elmer Gabini

Freedom means ...

To be free of:

the destiny you've boxed me in;

the stigma from the history my genes carry;

or the wise sage's prophecies of doom

Freedom means ...

The chance to:

chart my own destiny

from a new history founded on love;

anchored on the truths:

   I am created in His likeness

   and He makes all things new!

Art by Lynyrd Paras

There is no blow more potent than that from a loved one.

Image from Internet

For it does not matter what the mouth professes;
Actions inevitably speak the heart's hidden truths.

Art by Jef Cablog

And what is real

When we are all above our heads

Drowning in secret dreams 

and childhood fears;

perceived truths and 

single-faceted illusions.

Photo by Ryan Villar

It is really up to us, isn't it?

To go up

Or to go under.

Poetic Doses: 143 to 154

#365daysofpoetry Days 143 to 154

How does one begin to articulate a love so profound and absolute?

There are no words. 

Only hugs and kisses; 

the voice that stands out in a sea of children calling out the same name, "Mama!";

the heart attached to yours that amplifies every feeling;

the life that sends yours into the craziest ride of your life.

Mt. Daraitan

Sometimes, though, I wonder
If you ever really loved me;
Or if this, perhaps, could be ...
had been
love all along.

Photo by Ryan Villar
Caramoan Lighthouse

I don't remember when I lost it
Or why I had rushed to grow up.
But to see the world as a child
With awe and wonder
And to love as thoughtlessly
Completely and without fear ---
Are perhaps all we need to save
This world and humanity.

Mt. Marami

He loved with a passion
So intense, precise and unforgiving
Such a lonely way to live.

Photo by Ryan Villar
Caramoan

No beauty matches
That which is hidden
Unseen and untouched by man
Untainted by the ills of the world.

Photo by Ryan Villar
Caramoan

Rolling playful verdant terrains
Majestic proud mountains
Islands teeming with life
Flanked by beaches white
Under a sky so clear and blue
Clouds cottony and wispy, too
This is what my country is made of
A true paradise beneath and above.











Peace is

Bright blue and puffy white
Peering through a canopy of trees.

Photo by Ryan Villar
Caramoan Lighthouse

Some things are merely unchangeable

And, in the end, it is not your trouble.

There are moments when the best way

Is to simply walk away.

And sometimes this means painful choices;

To let one love go to protect another.

Afterall, love is a gift

That cannot be imposed.

Photo by Inadoodles

And so it was at dusk

When he finally understood

The beauty of those ordinary moments

The simple truth of her love

All of them eclipsed completely

Behind a pocketful of marbled pain

He looked up, then, to the creeping night

And found nothing but a sea of regret.

Photo by Ryan Berza
Taal Volcano

For the deepest loneliness

Consumes silently from within;

When you feel desperately alone

Even though love surrounds you.

Photo by Ryan Berza
Taal Volcano

Walking with you

Through the pages of your childhood,

I rediscover mine;

And in your childlike awe

I am reminded

To be grateful of all things taken for granted.

Receiving You

That these will flow

The grace to forgive

And the wisdom of Your heart.

In time.

Somehow.

Poetic Doses: 129 to 142

#365daysofpoetry Days 129 to 142
#autism #adhd #inclusion #mentalhealth #timesupnow

Art By:  HersleyCasero on IG

I will never fully comprehend
This beautiful complex mind
The colors and depth of its universe
Nor the textures of its various emotions
But my heart continues to reach inside
And my arms remain a safe haven.

Art By: hoche_art on IG

My love for you is a slow gentle burn;
unhurried, yet certain and absolute.

Sculpture by: Ferdie Cacnio

Oh! The stuff

Dreams are made of

The most hidden

Hopes, fears and wishes

Hauntings from the past

The chaos of the present

And uncertainties the future holds.

Then there is you

The dreams converging into

Mostly you

The mystery and the promise

Of you

And me

And us.

Sculpture By: _poemery_ on IG

Oh! If I could
Carry you always
Safe within my wings
Sheltered from the storms.
I would carry you
Tirelessly
Through glorious sunrises
Into the bosom of sunsets.
But I know
There is no better gift
Than to teach you
What your wings can do
And to tell tales of distant lands
Where your wings can take you.

Book highlight from "Mr. Browne's Precepts";
a quote from Sir Thomas Browne

I traveled far and wide
Yet found not what I sought;
Then I traveled deep within
And found what I sought and more.

Art By: Inadoodles

And she [he] is my true Giving Tree

Always giving, never taking

Always forgiving, never forsaking.

(Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and everyone [in any form] who play the part!

Your presence, sacrifices and your endless and boundless wellspring of Love 

keep this crazy world from falling apart.)

Today there were
No surprises
Nor special occasions;
No time for sunrises
Nor a glimpse of the sunset;
Yet today,
In its ordinariness,
Was an ode to life
From chores done lovingly;
Was joy brimming
From unspectacular moments of togetherness.

Art by: Rovi Salegumba

Every night I dream of you
And you
You
And just you;
In many faces
And various forms
Yet just one
Only you;
And even though I hold you close
For however long I can
Morning comes and Night departs
The memory along with it;
And I awake
No closer to uncovering you.

Art by: _gilbutt on IG

To, one day, not care
What others will say;
And always choose right (or kind)
Visibly or out of sight;
To see my true worth
Claimed His from birth;
And my small change start
To boldly light up the dark.

Art by: Justine Florentino

Perhaps someday my heart
will burst (or break once more);
But, for now, I guard it fiercely,
tucked away safely from harm's way (and free).

Photo by: Elmer Borlongan

Within the security

Of my trusty hoody

I find solace

In my isolation

Shielded against the cold

Of an unforgiving world

Slipping in and out

Unnoticed and unloved.

Art by:  Migs Villanueva

Stop right there, mister

You shan't pass me and my sister

Beyond this magical door

An amazing treasure store

Meant only for the noblest of all

Our tickle monster great and tall!

Art by:  Illiv8.ten on IG

And she rose from her stupor
As glorious as the sun
Born from the ashes of ancestors
From a land that screams justice
The time has come
To lay claim on her birthright.

Art by:  mister_sasquatch on IG

Your heart is restless
So fly away free
But soon you will see
I carry you home with me
For I have lent you my love
That one day you'll fly it back to me.

Choose Kind: Breaking Down the Box of Society (Part 2 - The Lessons)

One of my favorite scenes  from "Wonder" (and I'm sure yours, too - if you watched it) was the emotional conversation between Isabel and Auggie - Wonder - Movie Clip (YouTube).  I know it's a movie/book and the scene was well thought of.  But how I wish I had just a sliver of the patience, resilience and wisdom that Isabel has in dealing with these situations.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S THE BRAIN

When I found out how my son behaved in the chat group, my first thought was, "I'm a bad mother".  Afterall, a child learns love and good manners at home.  Whatever he/she sees at home translates to how he/she is with other people.  But, even though we remind him constantly - sometimes nicely; sometimes frustratingly, good manners and proper conduct just takes so long to stick for my son!  I feel like I always have to watch him, so that he behaves properly.  The minute I turn around he misbehaves. 

At the parent workshop, this was one of the first things which the facilitators established.  For every difficulty raised by one parent, the facilitator would ask, "Who else experienced this?" or "Does that sound familiar?".  And, each time, almost everyone in the room raised their hands.  I looked around the tables.  These are decent families and, as we continued sharing, I realized, very loving as well.

As the workshop progressed, I realized, that the reason why my son behaves while I'm (or my sister / family) around is because he takes his cues from me (us).  He can read our facial expression and body language ... but not everybody else's.  I recall a recent conversation we just had where he said, "Mom, please don't reprimand me in front of everyone. Just give me your look or give me a sign to stop." 

He doesn't want to misbehave or hurt anyone on purpose.  He has difficulty self-regulating because it takes a lot of (brain) work for him to foresee the consequences of his actions (it's the part of his brain that is underdeveloped; while the part of his brain that takes note of details is more developed vs. normal).  That said, it doesn't mean it can't be developed.  He can learn it.  It will just take more time.

I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a similar mantra to what I had been teaching him (Stop and Think Before You Act or Talk) was posted on the wall of their camp quarters.

Candent Reminder

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

One of the things I noticed with my son early on was his difficulty in organizing his thoughts and articulating them.  When he told stories about how his day went, he told snippets of events throughout the day that didn't follow any logical order, such that it was difficult to make out exactly what happened.  When he was younger, he would only say some words and, like a puzzle, we would guess until he nods.  Sometimes, I think, he just nodded even though we did not fully figure out what he was trying to say.

This is one of the typical difficulties of individuals in the spectrum and was the core discussion point for the Parents' Workshop during Camp Life. 

Below are my key takeaways from the Language Therapist Resource's Talk: (But, really, there's more.  It was a jampacked lecture, that I will not be able to replicate here)

• "Communication in ANY form is GOOD communication".  Communication is not only made up of verbal and body language.  There's a spectrum of ways to communicate through visual arts, music, etc.   We just need to find a way to understand what they are trying to say.
• There are two important aspects of Language:  (1) Receptive Language and (2) Expressive Language.  Both of these need to be developed and are anchored on good vocabulary.
• To enable good communication between you and your child, you need to be cognizant of your own communication strengths and barriers, as well as, your child's. Only then will you be able to bridge the gap.

Our DevPed immediately pointed out the communication deficiency during our checkup.  She explicitly told us to stop finishing his sentences for him and let him work it out himself.  I included this in the debrief I gave my family.  From then on, everyone encouraged him to pause, organize his thoughts in his head and then articulate them.  It made a lot of difference for him to know that we are okay to wait until he was able to sort it out in his head first. (And it warms my heart to see everyone patiently waiting for him and affirming him).  It made a lot of difference for us as well, since we are better able to understand him.  It's not easy.  Sometimes I find myself snapping at him for being unclear, inconsistent (especially when sorting out "incidents") and slow at articulation. During those times I ask him to be patient with me, too.

At the start of 5th grade (6 months before his diagnosis), seeing how limited his vocabulary was, I gave him his Vocabulary Notebook.  My objective was to help him build his vocabulary and enable him to articulate his thoughts better.  This went well with the quarterly book report required by his homeschool, CFA.  It was always a long and painful exercise for us, but it was key in improving his throught organization.  By the end of 6th grade, my son was volunteering to contribute articles for our Home Base Newsletter. It's not Pullitzer, but his works had been published. (But his best writing is his Christmas 2017 note for me, which I carry with me in my wallet) all the time.


POSITIVE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS BUILD HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS

The last module for the Parents' Workshop was completing word puzzles and discussing what these mean.  It turned out, that the puzzles were the building blocks to positive family relationships which enable healthy friendships/relationships.

The building blocks are:

Candent Building Blocks

• Let your child know that you love him/her with smiles, hugs and words. Know your child's language of love and love him/her in that fashion.  Teach them your love language as well.  After all, relationship is a two-way street.  Also, words and actions need to be consistent.  And while action speak louder than words, sometimes they just need to hear it.  You do, too, right?
• Point out your child's strengths.  Often children don't always see the value of what they do or accomplish until we point it out to them.  In most cases, the strengths they see are hinged on their capabilities and they fail to see the value of the softskills they exhibit.  We need to vigilantly point it out to them and reinforce the good behaviors and attitudes. As for me, I feel like I am a bit of tiger mom.  In my pursuit to push my son, so that he reaches his highest potential, I am stingy with praises.  And this is something I need to consciously work on, especially in situations where I know he could do better.  A little pat on the back would go a long way (Note to self).
• Have a special play (date) time with your child.  Especially for families with more children, it is so much easier to just have family bonding moments.  But, knowing how diverse our children's personalities are, there would always be more headstrong children who will get more airtime than the more reserved ones.  Special 1:1 sessions allow for better communication and understanding of each child.  This is something that my son "demands" from me.  Whenever I become too busy, he would ask for or even think about a bonding activity.  It could be as simple as walking around the village together.
• Say what you expect your child to do; not what you don't want them to do.  If you tell them what not to do, then they are left with a range of so many other things they can do.  And (heaven forbid) if they choose to do another wrong thing instead, then they will still get into trouble. Keep it simple. Tell them what the expected behavior is. (It's good for your blood pressure, too).  I am guilty of this and, sometimes, consciously.  I want him to be able to figure things out on his own.  But, I realize, I need to do this within parameters acceptable for me as well. Because, otherwise, it almost always ends up in a I'm-so-frustrated-and-disappointed moment.  (Which leads me to the next point).
• Give your child choices where either answer is okay.  Encourage individuality and self-confidence within a controlled sphere.  Give them a chance to feel good about their choices.  That way, they build confidence to decide on their own.
• Give your child a chance to make decisions.  Connected with the previous one.

The truth is, no matter how much we talk about it now, there will always be a portion of society that will have an aversion towards the different.  I guess it's a natural reaction to something one doesn't fully understand.  And, while kids in the spectrum don't always look different, they always act different --- sometimes it is not immediately apparent, but it comes through sooner or later.  When it does and they start losing friends, it hurts the same way.  As Auggie said, "It matters that I look different.  I try to pretend that it doesn't matter, but it does."  And, no matter how much we bombard them with love, reinforce their confidence and self-esteem, they will have to deal with these (mostly) on their own.  The most that we can do is to prepare them by patiently building their capabilities and being truthful about the realities out there, while also providing a safe haven for them to come home to and lick their wounds. 

Sometimes it feels like there is only so much we can do.  But, what if, that "so much" is enough to carry them through the first hurdle so that they can learn and get through the next and then the next?  Never underestimate the "little" things done out of love.  They ripple.

Choose Kind: Breaking Down the Box of Society (Part 1 - The Feels)

The book, "Wonder", and the movie of the same title truly resonated with me.  I cried buckets during the movie, mostly during Isabel's (the mother) scenes. It was as if I was watching myself (or a better version of me) on screen.  Isabel was strong, patient and believed in the general goodness of humanity (almost to a fault).  I wish I could be like her.  I hope to find reasons to believe in humanity the same way.

THE "INCIDENT"

Last month I got a call from a  mom about some disturbing things my son had been saying in a Viber Group he was part of along with other kids in his age range.  The thing is, he had only been in that group for a month; and, while I had been meaning to, I never got around to checking the thread.

Apparently, he had carried his pretend game too far.  Somehow he had built an alternate reality, merging characters (think Assassin's creed) and events he had read with his own deepest wishes.  You see, there is no middle ground for my son.  In this alternate reality, he was living the life of his favorite characters ... had a father, an older brother and a younger one.  Some friends took everything he said and thought his life was awesome ... and crazy (and probably thought I was either such an irresponsible mom or a bad ass one).  Some who knew him better played along, but then got confused between reality and fantasy.  And, because his favorite characters are adults, he was also indiscriminately spewing some mean and bad words he didn't entirely understand.  He thought cool tough guys used bad words.  He was completely in character.  Of course, the mommies got concerned.  I did, too.

I also felt hurt that he found his life so boring that he created an alternate reality for himself.  And I felt helpless, knowing the deepest and oldest desires he had been praying for are things I cannot give him at the moment (or ever ... there's no way I can produce an older brother, right?).

I processed everything with him for an entire day, took his phone and explained to the concerned mom.  He issued apologies and explanations to his friends.  I issued apologies and explanations to the mommies.  Then my son and I agreed he will write his stories and I will be his editor (He wants to publish).

CAMP LIFE

A week later, we dropped him off to his first ever 5-day camp --- without us. "Camp Life" was facilitated by CANDENT, his Social Skills Therapy center, to provide kids from the center a controlled environment to practice their social skills.

(Social skills is the biggest challenge for individuals in the spectrum.  Their impulsiveness and inability to immediately draw correlations [or make connections] inhibit their ability to understand the "grey areas".  As such, they are often viewed as rude or socially awkward).

Before deciding to let him go, I talked to one of his therapists, who, surprisingly, was not as concerned as I was.  I have to say, I still had misgivings and apprehensions, but I knew he needed to be exposed to these situations.  What better venue than a 5-day camp attended by a mix of kids (kids with conditions, siblings of these kids, and regular neurotypical kids of some really radical parents) and managed by an entire team of licensed therapists and SPED (special education) teachers?

That day, the center decided to leverage the parents' presence and organized a full day Communication Workshop.  And it was here that I finally understood the therapist's reaction to our latest "incident".  I felt an entire spectrum of emotions wash over me ...

• I felt relieved.  What my son was going through was "normal" for those in the spectrum and have similar conditions. 
• I felt affirmed.  A mother (and a loving auntie) knows her son (nephew) best.  Somehow, following where prayer, love and mother's instinct took us, we ended up on the right path and doing the right thing for him.
• I felt I wasn't alone.  There are parents/families, teachers, therapists going through the same emotional, physical, mental, spiritual rollercoaster I am going through.  They, too, get tired, frustrated and hurt whenever they deal with their kids.  It's normal.  And it's alright. That's what timeouts are for.
• I felt hopeful.  There are parents (Tiger moms and dads), teachers, and therapists (heroes) who, like me, believe in my son (these kids) and will walk the line for him (them). There are people who will stumble, but will get back up to help kids like my son have a shot at living full lives within a cruel society.
• I felt energized.  The condition is manageable with intervention, dedication and constancy.  We can and let's do this!

THE AFTERSHOCK

After the camp, I forgot to take back my son's phone.  He assumed it meant he could contact his friends again.  Still high from the events of the past 5 days, he thought it a good idea to introduce his new friends to his old friends.  

It was catastrophic.

His old friends, apparently, felt he just dropped them like a hot potato and completely forgot about them during his hiatus (even though he told them I was taking his phone).  So, when my son introduced his new friend, the old group's initial reaction was jealousy and then hostility.  The new friend, being in the spectrum as well, went on defense mode.  So, while my son firmly kept his promise to be "real" with his friends and not use bad words, his new friend was on all out fight mode (expletives included).  Consequently, the friend and my son got booted out of the group.  

My son was broken.  So was I. (I also switched to fiercely-protective-mom mode).  And, suddenly, I understood how Mama Mary felt when Jesus was being ridiculed by people who, only a few days before, were praising Him; and deserted by the very people He loved.  It felt very much like a sword piercing my heart a hundred times.  It took everything in me to keep a strong front.

You see, unlike me, my son is an extrovert.  While I take comfort in my solitude, he needs to be around friends --- lots of them.  But it's the one thing he has difficulty cultivating and keeping.

STARS & BOXES

It reminded me of the final exercise we had at the workshop.  The facilitator gave us a problem to solve.

The problem

We have a paper star that we need to put inside a box with a small round hole. How will we do it?

The potential solutions put forward by some parents

• Fold the star
• Cut the star up
• Crumple the star then push into the hole

The ideal solutions some parents came up with

• Open the box
• Widen the hole

The star represents our kids (for me, it's not even just the kids with conditions but all kids, in general).  The box represents society as a whole.  The solution is to drive Inclusion.  The reality is we are still a long way from opening that box.

During one of the sessions, a parent raised a question: "Should we explain to people about our child's condition?"

This was a question I had struggled with.  I considered it.  But the reality is we can only explain our child's condition to so many people; and only so many people will truly understand.  If we do this now, who will do it for them when we're old or gone?  My stance from then on had always been to equip my son, so that he is able to deal with these on his own.

A follow-up to that was:  "Adults are easy, but how do you explain it to children?  Children can be so unintentionally ruthless."

My take here:  Teach children kindness.  Because, if children are taught to be kind - to see beyond form or wit, then there is no need to explain anything to them.  They will just be kind.  Naturally.

In fact, the same is true for adults (moreso!).  Why do we have to explain and spell out a condition before people shift gears, make allowances and choose to be kind?  Why should we make distinctions?  Should we not afford everyone kindness?  Perhaps it's not a condition but a serious illness, a financial challenge, a terrible loss ... or just a particularly bad day.  Shouldn't we, by default, be kind to each other?  Indiscriminately.  Always.

RJ Palacios, in just two simple words - "Choose Kind", gave us the basic formula that will trigger the breaking down of the box of society.  Imagine, if everyone decided to "Choose Kind", it will be a silent revolution that will change society (and the world) at its very core!  

So, "Choose Kind" with me.  Let us give each other a reason to believe.  It won't be easy, for sure.  We will stumble and fail.  But the good thing is, there will always be an opportunity to make up for it.

Oh! To teach our children

Always

Kindness above all else

Regardless and despite all else;

To find joy in giving joy

And in the simple things;

To see beauty in all things

Visible and, moreso, the invisible.

That in being kind to others

They might learn to be kind(er) to themselves.