KAPAYAPAAN: A Weekend About Peace (Part 1 - #Peacified)

Representatives from different communities
leading the group prayer. 

September 29 was the #Peacified event of my son's school, Creative Learning Paths, and its partner organizations.  It is an annual Peace Fair organized as part of the "Teach Peace, Build Peace" Movement and participated in by schools catering to Christians, Muslims and Indigenous communities.

I didn't want to go because, honestly, I would rather help my sister (Inadoodles) teach her Art Class at CBTL Bistro in BGC than melt in my son's outdoor school activity. But it was my son's first major school activity outside of school and he was really looking forward to it.  I'm glad we attended.

The event, although it did not disappoint in its promise of extreme heat, more than made up with the activities and the booths.



PEACE BUDDY

The best part of the program was that of pairing up kids from different schools to finish a set of activities in their "peaceport" together.  This gave each child that joined a first hand interaction with another child who was brought up very differently, inculcating a mindset of diversity and inclusion.

A few weeks before the event, the parents had to sign up their kids for this part of the program.  I left the option open and told my son what I thought about it, but told him that I am letting him decide for himself. I didn't want to force him into an interaction and end up disappointing (or frustrating) him and his potential buddy.

My son's buddy was a Muslim boy, Mohammad.

I was so happy when he decided to sign up for it.  On the day itself, though, I was a bit worried about how my son would react.  I forgot to brief him on the ride over (Yes, he needs to be prepared emotionally and mentally).  But when they were called, he did not hesitate to join Mohammad with a smile and even went in for a high-five.  (#ProudMomMoment).

I shadowed them for awhile until he said, "Mom, you can go around the booths by yourself" - a silent assurance that he's got it, as well as, a veiled plea for me to buzz off.

PEACE BOOTHS

There were a number of booths with various materials on Peace.  It was only then that I realized the broad scope and the diverse meaning of Peace.  Peace is also a kind of spectrum!  It means different things to different people and, yet, if you really get down to its very core, we all want the same kind of peace.

The booths that caught my attention:

• Teach Peace, Build Peace booth.  The booth had tarps on the movement's main strategies: (1) Nurturing Peace in the Heart of Every Child; (2)  Building Peace Heroes Alliance; and (3) Institutionalizing Peace Education for All.

Teach Peace Build Peace

• Christianity booth. It had a reading lounge area with pillows and lots of quick easy-read Bible story books and lives of saints. There was a huge board just outside where anyone can post their prayers and thoughts on peace. Going through what the kids put up on the board was both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

          

• Islam booth. The booth had various reading materials and cultural effects that highlighted Muslim beliefs and way of life.  There was a board with some basic teachings which, I realized, had its corresponding teachings in Christianity.  Outside the booth was another board with prayers and peace thoughts as well. What I read in this board was not too different from what I read on the Christianity board. 

      

• Aeta booth. My son enjoyed going through this booth as the Aetas brought various unique products made of plants they grow.  I saw some toys that were reminiscent of my childhood.  The kids marveled at the simple yet ingeniously functional toys.

      

• The Army booth.  Yes, the military was there and they had no guns.  They even had male and female soldier mascots; and a photobooth that let the kids wear different uniforms ... even a camouflage that made them look like part of the foliage!
• The "-ism" booth.  I forgot what it was called (Haha!).  But it had different kinds of games that the peace buddies had to complete together.  There was one that highlighted all the different ways people tend to discriminate these days.

Going through the booths was eyeopening for me and, I realized, there is so much more I need to teach my son (and myself) about peace.  

SURPRISE TREAT

While I wandered around the booths by myself, I stumbled upon one of our previous neighbors I grew up with.  I always considered her as one of my little sisters and, apparently, she considered me as an older sister.  In fact, that's what she said when she introduced me to her boyfriend.  While our kids mingled with school friends and new friends, the two of us had a marathon catch-up over iced coffee, while dutifully taking photos and videos of our kids.

We were both very happy to find out, that, without our prompting (or conniving), our kids met each other in school and hit it off instantly --- even though they belong to different grade levels with very different dispositions (her daughter is an introvert, while my son is an extrovert).  It just goes to show how much we are limiting ourselves once we start putting labels on people.

That said, knowing that my son has an "older sister" watching his back in school definitely gives me some peace of mind.

THE END OF THE FAIR

We had to leave before my son's class had their presentation, since we had to catch an anticipated Mass.  (We had a scheduled Sunday hike the following day and wanted to make sure we don't miss it).  While walking towards the car, my son thanked me for taking him to the peace fair.  I took the opportunity to debrief with him and exchange thoughts on the events of the day.

Me:  "Why did you ask me to talk to Mohammad?"

A:  "Because I don't know what to talk about and you always do"

Me:  "You should have tried looking for something in common"

A:  "I did.  We both like Art ... and games"

Me:  "And?"

A:  "We made a peace poster"

Me:  "That's it?  Did you finish the 'peaceport' activities?"

A:  "Yes po ... but I wanted to be with my friends, too."

I sighed.  That meant he ditched Mohammad as soon as they finished all the tasks.  I had hoped they would hit it off.  I debated whether to go into a lecture or to park it for another day.  I parked it and decided to talk about the interesting stuff I saw at the booths.  "Read this," I said, handing over my phone with a photo of a Muslim kid's prayer to Allah.  He glanced at it and gave it right back.

Me:  "Did you read it?"

A:  "Yes po, but it doesn't even matter because it's for Allah"

I looked at him in dismay. "I can't believe you just said that!  Allah is the Muslim's version of God.  How do you think Mohammad will feel about what you said?"  My son turned pale and then looked at me in horror at the realization. I piled on, "How would you feel if Mohammad dismissed our God the way you did his Allah?"

A: "I get it now, Mom. I know.  I'm sorry. I am still trying to understand and be respectful."

Social interactions and sensitivities do not come as naturally or as easily for people in the spectrum.  A lot of the social actions, reactions and behaviors need to be taught and hammered into them.  They follow patterns they learn and make them into rules.  But the right reaction to a situation may not always be the same.  There are other factors that come into play that help us determine the right behavior. It is in this subjectivity and discretion where the neuroatypical often falter ... and where neurotypicals need to give them more concessions.

My son was taught to be a staunch Catholic.  His reaction came from years of pounding on him the Catholic doctrines and beliefs.  Apparently, I have not done a very good job at teaching him about  Christ's brand of Love and what He meant by universal Church.  

I soldier on.  So, help me God.

My son's and his peace buddy's peace poster

Poetic Doses: 267 to 276

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysofPoetry

267

Took two steps behind
Stumbling upon a unicorn
Found me a little faith
Looking between its strings.


268

Wish I may
Wish I might
Have the wish
My heart whispers.

Jayvee Tanawan

269

I close my eyes to the gentle patter of rain;

Its steady rhythm washing over me like white noise.

Then I feel the departure from all things tangible;

And in this space, between perceived reality and truth,

I find peace;

Eyes closed and heart finally open.

270

I took the leap
And, for a few frightful moments,
I thought,
I will surely die;
Then you came
And everything came to focus;
I could see where I'd been
Clearer on hindsight;
And I felt myself
Rushing
Full-throttle
To where I must go;
Though I do not see,
You do ... and will take me there.

271

I found that Love requires:
Active decision
Daily commitment
Consistent execution

And, I realized, the same is true for:
Balance
Health / Wellbeing
Happiness

(Or anything essential, for that matter).

Charles Michel

272

Then he came suddenly;
Yet, as though he had always been here;
And, boy, does he like
(Perhaps, even love)
ME
Enough!






273

To rest, confident in the knowledge:  my Life is in Your hands -- that is peace.


274

You always were in front of me,
Yet I find You beside me
Before I even realize
I will need Your help.

***

And, soon,
It was no longer the destination;
But the journey
And the company.






275

Tired body
Rejuvenated soul.


276

No one can ever rival Your artistry
I stand before it enraptured;
Unable to fully understand
The simplicity in its complexity;
And how is it that, in the stillness,
I feel my heart dancing to the song of my soul.

Poetic Doses: 257 to 266

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysofPoetry

257

"Here comes the storm,"
The little one said.
The wise one looked up and,
surveying the horizon, said,
"Storms are not always enemies.
Make friends with the wind.
Be at peace with the water.
Then adjust your sails."
And the little one said,
Eyes wide in fear,
"Oh, but must we wait for the storm?
Let us sail away now."


258

The raging storm outside
Cannot silence the storm within;
Once manifest, it shall
Raze to the ground all in its way;
Beware the one who stands in my way
When I awaken from this long stupor.

Yao Sampana

259

Maybe
If I found a way
For you to feel
My caress

(Maybe tomorrow you'll feel it too)

Maybe
You'll find a reason
To stay
This time.






260

When will this end
This encessant raging;
Agitated and restless
Yet unable to move;
Forced to wait (patiently)
Upon an invisible (unyielding) hand.

Cesar Conde

261

He lay there exhausted
Catching his breath;
Remotely aware of the throbbing
From the wounds he nurse;
A whisper of a smile
Weak, but ready to burst;
He will wear these scars
Proud;
Tell the stories
In song and dance
Of where he has been
And how much he loved.





262

On days filled with
Jumping hurdles and
Grazing rings of fire;
I am grateful for the blessings
Of last-minute cancelled meetings
And the extra brain/s of friend/s.

Mark "Elias Kidlat" Copino

263

We used to look good together;
I loved the way I fit perfectly in you;
And I still miss the way you felt on me;
But I have become too much for you;
While I have outgrown you.
Finally.











264

And, then, it hit her
How suddenly tired she was
Of holding the universe together,
Pulsating and expanding,
As she withered silently
Yet elegantly into oblivion.

Justin Mayor

265

Let me sail away into the sunset
When day turns into night
And the colors of the sun shall have exploded
With the intensity and complexity of my love
Unbridled yet completely yours
Eternally wandering away
   from the home I carry in my heart.










266

Find me under clear blue skies
And amidst dark stormy nights
When all else is uncertain
I am and I'll be there.

Poetic Doses: 247 to 256

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysofPoetry

Art by RC Caringal

247

If you look closely,
You'll see them there
Emerging between
Walls and shadows
The nameless of society
Its burden and its enemy
Struggling to survive
Thriving in the cracks
Here today
Gone tomorrow.

Art by Mark Justiniani

248

That in reaching for elusive dreams
I do not lose all I already have.














249

Some memories are best captured with the heart.


250

But what is triumph other than overcoming that which is perceived to be insurmountable.


251

Yes. Yes! And, again, yes!


252

To find that person to go on long walks with, without the need for conversation;
with whom silence feels the way your tattered jammies feel like home.

Art by Inadoodles

253

Jetlag
When today feels like yesterday
And time runs backwards;
You see everything in a haze
And thoughts won't move forward;
When you want to wake, but can't;
And your brain refuses to sleep, when it should.
Jetlag.

Art by Chelseatheodossis

254

Burning the night oil
Till the body and brain wither;
Racing against deadlines
And ideas that dart about like the golden snitch;
And what for?  To what end?
When tomorrow comes in a few minutes,
I shall be dead to the world
Or lumbering like a mindless zombie.










255

Rise
above troubled waters.
Rise
to reveal the beauty of hidden strength.


256

The heart knows its truth
And the truth knows the heart.
Truth will be revealed
No matter how hidden or disguised.
It will come to light
as inevitably as
A flower blooms against all odds
in its due time.

Building An Environment of Love, Acceptance and Trust

"Did you get loved enough?"

In an earlier blog, I talked about how this line from "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" struck a cord and how the subsequent line, "It's never too late,"  helped set me towards the right direction. But I never really talked about why or which cord it actually struck.

I didn't always find it easy to understand my son.  I also didn't try hard enough.  Even though I had an inkling when he was a toddler, until his formal autism diagnosis a couple of years ago, I was just an extremely apologetic mom of a kid with ADHD.  For every little misbehavior or trouble, I almost always automatically assumed it was my son's fault and reprimanded him each time.  And, because I wanted so hard for him to behave, I was uptight in social settings and critical of my son's every move --- so much so, that my college bestfriend's mom put her arm around me and said, "Relax.  He is just being a kid."  Through the years, I learned that there are certain circles that are more stringent and closed, while some are much more relaxed and open.  And I have learned to adjust my mommy radar accordingly.  Still, I was primarily apologetic for my son's behavior, constantly worried (even expecting) my son will cause trouble.

The message this behavior sent to my son can be summed up in these lines he told me one day, in between sobs, "I'm sorry, Mom, for always hurting you.  I keep trying and trying ... but it's so hard for me to be good.  Why is it easy for everyone else?"

Wow.  That one washed over me like an ASL Ice Bucket challenge.

Indirectly, I had been blaming him.  I was wordlessly screaming at him, "It's your fault!  It's always your fault!  You're a bad kid!"  And my demeanor whenever other people called out how rude and unruly my son was essentially gave them license to continuously judge my son, inflicting emotional trauma on him.  And I piled on top of that ... because he sees my reaction.  I was reminded of this during a recent conversation with a good friend where she said, "Our [the parents'] reaction to a situation teaches our children how to react as well."  Children take cues from us, so we have to be careful about what our actions are teaching them.  Remember, "action speak louder than words".

After a few seconds, my mom instincts kicked in and I recovered enough to shift 180 degrees. (If we rewound the scene a few seconds before my son's line, you would see monster mom in full effect).  I hugged my son, choked back my own tears and said, "It just looks like it is, but it is not easy for anyone.  We are all struggling as much as you are."

And it's true.  Being good is not easy.  We constantly have to make choices.  A lot of them need to be made within split seconds that we can't even STAR (Stop, Think and Act Responsibly. This is the mantra in my son's therapy center).  And the outcomes of these decisions are not always good.  But it doesn't necessarily make us bad, right?  So, if it is hard for neurotypical people, imagine how much harder it is for neuroatypical / neurodivergent people (They exist and they are not evolutionary anomalies. They exist because they are needed. But that's a different topic altogether).  With everything each person goes through, the last thing anyone needs is to be judged by others.  It's true for them, too ... even moreso, in fact.  So choose kind.  Always.

When we got my son's formal diagnosis on autism, I read up on the spectrum before writing an email to my family and close friends.  In that email, I explained what autism is, the spectrum, where my son is in the spectrum and the aspects of his behavior that are driven by his condition.  I also outlined the message track and my  planned course of action. (That's my corporate training kicking in).

I am blessed to have a family and intimate circles of friends that were quick to get onboarded, building an environment of Love, Acceptance and Trust for my son.  And, yes, not everyone will be onboarded.  There will always be people with different perspectives and opinions ... and I respect that.  Different folks, different strokes. Sometimes you need to make difficult choices.  But, as my college bestfriend said, "Your primary responsibility is your son.  You have to protect him from these kinds of people [who do not understand]."

But, even with some trims here and there, the positive environment is steadily expanding, becoming a nurturing community that understands, guides and respects my son and others like him.  The shift, while simple, is life changing --- not just for my son, but for everyone who cares about him, especially for me. (I am finding it easier to #ChooseKind and give allowances to people). It reduced strains in the relationship and replaced these with open communication and trust.  We still have a long way to go.  There will still be incidents.  But we can work through them in a more objective and collaborative manner.  Within this loving, accepting and trusting environment ... we keep moving forward together.

Poetic Dose: 237 to 246

#365daysofpoetry


237

Always a new experience
To glimpse You
In the breathtaking beauty
Of Your creations.


238

There is chaos without
Tripping through schedules
And photo finishing deadlines;

There is chaos within
The many mundane voices
Competing with existential whispers;

I scream without in anger
I scream within for reprieve
I scream in a wordless, voiceless rage;

I wonder and wander
Lost for days in the noise
I cannot escape;

Here, in Your embrace,
Is silence
And solace at last.


239

Oh! The joy of simple things
And quiet family days;
When there is bonding in shared chores,
And a warm glow in cooking for loved ones.


240

Speak plainly, please
I have grown weary
Deciphering your heart.

***

"Stay with me," he said
"Tomorrow, when I am braver," she said,
"you will wake from behind a curtain of lush greens
above a sea of clouds,
to find me right next to you."


241

Swirling
Twirling
Pulsating
Yet another sudden
and not slight
Shift
From your ever-changing
Heart.


242

Searching, waiting for the silver lining;
Because there is no trouble
That is not a blessing
Wanting to breakthrough.

Photo by ryan.beee on IG

243

Still, after all these years,
And all those times you pulled through,
I am wide-eyed
At your attention to details;
And in awe
At your impeccable timing.












244

Pile them on
One on top of the other
All the things they say you cannot achieve
Every single self-doubt that plague/d you
Pile them on
And build a tower
Then climb on top of them
And reach greater heights!

Art by: tonton.ador on IG

245

There is nothing more magical than a child's laughter.

***

There is no greater joy than in the absolute knowledge

One is loved profoundly and completely.

Photo by: onescliceofchubbycheeseacake on IG

246

There is beauty in all that light touches;

So step away from the shadows;

And let the beauty of who you truly are shine through.

Poetic Dose: 227 to 236

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

Art by Satchi.tan on IG

227

Oh, to sleep for just a moment

Lay to rest a body that is spent

Quiet the brain analyzing what is meant

Still the heart hoping for what's heaven-sent.

228

Give me the courage to find
The ME I lost;
The strength to pick up
The ME I've become;
And the drive to be
The ME I hope
   and am meant to be.

229

Masayang pagbalik-tanaw sa kabataan;

Napakagandang pagsiwalat ng malalim 

at kakaibang kahulugan na nakapaloob 

sa mga awiting kinalakihan;

At, higit sa lahat,

Mga buhay na tago at lihim,

sa wakas nabigyang tinig;

Mga katotohanang di napag-uusapan pero dapat,

buong tapang na inumpisahan.

#AngHulingElBimbo

230

We make of life what we can
Bending and folding over through the pain
Maneuvering every twists and turns
That these do not restrict the flight
But, instead,
Help grow bigger stronger wings.

231

Shine a light upon the path

That leads to you

Take me to your secret world

Show me the colors that make you sing

Teach me the language of your soul

That I might sing to you my love.

#autism #diversityandinclusion #neuroatypical

232

Counting my blessings
Finding joy in little comforts
Like mid-week holidays
And another one on Monday!

Art by lalajt.art on IG

233

Predictability

Comes from familiarity;

That comes

From regular interaction

And careful attention;

And these,

From the beginnings of love (?)

Art by Inadoodles on IG

234

Night makes for best company.

Together we watch the world slumber

And talk endlessly in silence.

235

There, in the shadows,
Where I thought myself comfortable,
He planted a gentle kiss upon my eye;
And pulled me firmly into the Light.

Photo by Jacob Maentz on IG

236

Always everyone's dream;

Never someone's reality.

An All-Nighter And The Comfort of Togetherness

"Mom, I think your super power is that you know everything, " my son told me once.  "I can also predict the future," I wanted to tell him.  These, compounded by love, are super powers God specifically blessed mothers with. And I've proven this time and again.  Sometimes, though, things fall into the cracks and all you can say is, "I knew this was gonna happen."

A couple of weeks ago, my son got a warning for not submitting his PE assignment.  When I asked for the reason, he defensively said, "It's just PE, Mom."
"How do you think your PE teacher feels about that?  And you like PE."
He then said in a small voice, "I didn't understand what I had to do."
"Why didn't you ask me or Auntie Ina about it?"
He looked at me with a hint of surprise.
"Just because I am no longer homeschooling you doesn't mean you can't ask for my help anymore."
"But I want to do it by myself ..."
"But if you don't know what to do, how will you do it by yourself?  There is nothing wrong with asking.  No shame in making sure you understand before you start working on something."
He reluctantly nodded.  Such a proud soul (just like his mother).

Because of this little incident, I took out the weekly planner sheets my friend gave me as a gift and helped him get organized.  We listed down his assignments and I instructed him to update the planner everytime the teachers gave new assignments.

On Wednesday, I knew he had nothing due for Thursday.  I meant to remind him to do his Friday-due assignment on the drive to the drop-off point, but he caught me off-guard with ...
"Mom, what time did you get home last night?"
"About 1:30, I think."
"But you still wake me up and drop me off every morning.  Thank you, Mom."
That was it.  My heart melted and my brain turned to mush.  I completely forgot to remind him to work on his assignment.

Thursday rolls in.  When he got home, he immediately freshened up and started working on his assignment.  I asked if he started on it last Wednesday.  Apparently, he worked on another assignment ... due the following week.  I looked at him in dismay.
"Did you not check the calendar?  We put that together, so that you know which assignments to work on first."
My son gave me a blank look.
"You work on your assignments that will fall due first.  Your RPT assignment is due next week, so yesterday what you should have worked on were the assignments due tomorrow.  You have the weekend to work on the RPT assignment."
He finally understood.
I went inside my room to take my evening calls.  A few minutes later, he comes in to brainstorm on his comic strip idea.  Satisfied, he went back to the library.  Barely five minutes passed when my son marched in with his laptop and books.
"I have calls.  Do you need my help?"
"No, Mom.  I just want to stay here with you."  He silently worked, while I took my calls.  When he was finished, he gave me the thumbs up and mouthed "I'm done!" He started shutting down his laptop when he stopped, "Oh, no!  I have another assignment due tomorrow."
I muted my phone and said, "No. You only have one due tomorrow.  I checked the calendar."
"I forgot to write it down. It's okay, Mom.  I can handle it."

And, for awhile, he was okay; until he started printing and got frustrated with the printer.  He pulled out the stuck paper, ignoring my hand signals to stop. Consequently, the printer's rollers couldn't recognize the paper anymore.  It always registered as "Out of Paper".  My sister jumped in to help and completed printing the rest of the pages.

After my call, I asked him what exactly he needed to do.  He couldn't explain properly, so I asked him to read everything.  Towards the end was the note "No need to print.  Just fill in directly on the slides or you can make your own slides."

As usual, my son didn't have the patience to read through to the very end.

I started to lecture him about reading the instructions properly and completely; and about not wasting paper.  But, then, he looked forlorn and was starting to get agitated because of the late hour, repeatedly looking at the his watch helplessly.  So, I switched from "Nagging Mom" to "Cheerleader Mom".

We ran through what he had to do, then I asked, "Can you do it on your own?'
"Yes, Mom.  I've got this."
And he worked nonstop until about 2 am (Yes, 2 am!).  After which, he started getting agitated once again.  The truth is, he hasn't been very good at handling his frustration, and the fact that he lasted till 2 am was a MAJOR milestone.  It was a proud mom moment, that I had to put on hold.  First, I had to help him actually complete the homerun.
"Just two more slides and you're done.  Target for 2:30."
When he flipped onto the last slide, he softly exclaimed, "Oh!" I glanced his way to find him smiling, "Look, Mom.  It's Bicol!"  I knew then God was watching over us and gave my son a little treat.  Bicol is our province and is of particular interest for him.
"That's a good way to end, huh?"
"Yeah."
When he was finished, he hugged me, "Thanks, Mom".
"You did good tonight. I'm proud of you."

We survived our first "lamay" (all-nighter) and it definitely won't be the last.  It warmed my heart, that it helped him to just work beside me; that he found comfort in our togetherness --- even though we were doing our own things. As he walked out of my room, I marveled at my son's drive to succeed in the school setting and his commitment to work independently.  What just happened? It's as if this young man just snuck up on me.  When did the little boy grow up? (Sigh!)

  

Poetic Doses: 217 to 226

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysofPoetry #Woman #DiversityAndInclusion #Faith #Love


217

And, in that moment,
my heart swelled
at how the Sun
Loves my Little Prince.
There are no words
for a Love
boundless
and unfiltered.

218

When it's hard to reciprocate
It's enough to believe;
And, sometimes, that's all you need
To find the love within.

219

Let go
Wait
Jump
And between the lines
Trust.

220

In your arms is where I hope sleep finds me someday.

221

To You I sing the melody of my heart;
Where my words fail, let my truth prevail;
When I stumble, let me be humbled;
That I might not miss a chance
To glorify You in this Life's dance.

222

Were it always a struggle between good and evil,
The choice would have been easy;
But often, I find,
It's a struggle between the mind and heart;
and both believe themselves good
With only the best intentions.

223

I wonder how nothing makes a woman;s heart flutter like flowers do.
(Sometimes all you need is a single flower to turn a day from okay to great).

224

These are the stuff I am made of,
The days that merge into the nights;
but let it not define who I am for you;
Let me the one your heart runs to;
The runway from where you fly high and away.

225

Dancing in the wind
Twirling in its embrace
I remain deliriously unfazed
Better things are yet to come.


226


For all her hopes and dreams,
Her yesterdays and her tomorrows,
There is but one constant theme:
Love ---
In every crevice of her soul;
In every single moment of her existence.
This is her meaning.
This is her truth.
And it consumes her ...
Even when it is logical to hate.

Of Big Hearts And The Grace Of Ignorance

Everyone knows how puberty is such a tumultuous age.  Now take that into the context of an extroverted autistic teenager in a new school, trying to fit in with his new set of friends and desperate to prove that he can make it in a school setting --- and it becomes something like puberty-on-drugs.  We are there now.  And we've just begun.

There are different complexities for children in the spectrum and it's a different mix with every child.  For my son, he has a huge capacity for love, able to understand and empathize from a third person point of view, but unable to derive that correlation when it comes to himself and his interactions with other people. As with any teenager, he is obsessed with being cool, fitting in and crushes.
Weird?

Here are some anecdotes:

During one of our drives home from the drop-off point ...

A:  "Mom, I have a classmate who doesn't get chosen"

Me:  "Doesn't get chosen?"

A:  "For teams"

Me:  "Oh! Kawawa naman (Poor kid)"

A:  "Don't worry, Mom.  I've got him.  I always make sure to choose him for my team".

After he caused some trouble in his old homeschool group for saying "I like you, too" to two girls, I explained to him what the girls meant when they said "I like you" and asked if he liked them, too.  When other girls in the homeschool group started telling him they liked him too, I figured they were just getting back at him and told him so.  He insisted he could tell that they really do, but he learned his lesson and is very clear to tell them that he likes them as friends only.  I conceded with a warning to be careful.  A couple of weeks later ...

A:  "Mom, you were right.   They are just playing with me [shrugs].  It's okay. They're still my friends."

I looked at him and he was indeed okay.  My son is unable to fully grasp what lies behind other people's malicious actions towards him.  As such, he takes no offense.  It was only then that I fully understood what "Ignorance is bliss" and "What you don't know won't hurt you" truly meant. Often we have to explain to him the implications of other people's actions towards him ... and that's the only time he will feel bad.  When he becomes aware, though, and genuinely feels hurt, it takes a lot for him to recover from it.

On the second week of school, we had a Parent-Child night.  Part of the program was a dialogue between parents and children where we talked about the things that hurt us.  My son let me and my sister go first.  When it was his turn to tell us about the things that hurt him ...

A:  "I get hurt when I disrespect you."

Me:  "That's you hurting me.  What hurts you?"

A:  "I get hurt when I hurt you and Auntie"

Me:  "Yes ... but what hurts you.  What is something that people do that hurt you?"

A:  "I get hurt when relationships in the family are broken."

Me: [Half composing myself; half choking at how profound he suddenly seemed] "Ok ... not quite what I am looking for, but that will do for now."

He met someone from Camp Life that he really liked, established a regular communication and thought for awhile that the feeling was mutual.  They go to the same therapy center and the same school.  The conditions were favorable for a young romance.  However, the kid figured how gullible and smitten my son was and just "played" along.  When my son found out that he was just being led on, he wrote the kid who just walked away from him.

A:  "It hurt to see someone walking away.  I understand now, Mom.  I'm sorry I did that to you."

I looked at my son trying to grapple with his first heartbreak.  I reached out and held his hand.

Me:  "Brace yourself.  It's going to hurt a bit more in the coming days."

***

I constantly worry about how gullible my son is and how he could be completely oblivious to how mean people already are to him. If I could have him with me all the time, so that I could help him maneuver through social interactions, I would.  But I know, that I cannot be with him all the time and he needs to learn to deal with these on his own.  Enrolling him in a school that recognizes individuality and respects each child's unique needs and strengths was my first step to widening the secure "fence".  When I met with his team of teachers and occupational therapists, they seemed very professional and knew their stuff, taking down notes and aligning on techniques to help my son manage schoolwork.  They listened to my every input and watch-outs without judgement or reproach. For once in years I felt hopeful that it could work.

The Parent-Child night, though, was what sealed the deal for me.  On that night, I saw the dynamics between teachers and students; among the children in his class; and between the children and their parents/families.  Mind you, his class is a good mix of neuro-typical and neuro-atypical children, relating with each other in a very normal / ordinary way.  And they get each other like they had known each other for years.  Bustling around them were the teachers who, I saw then, were not only professional but genuinely cared about them.  It's heartwarming to see how proud they were of the kids.  I got to know the parents/families, absolutely inclusive, seeing and accepting the children for who they are.  

My heart smiled.  We found the right community of big-hearted individuals that will help us through the "storms" of puberty, while paving the way for my son to grow and develop to his fullest potential.  Just a month in and, although we've had some rough patches, we are already seeing great improvements in my son and the quality of our relationship.  

I thank God for leading us here.

Poetic Doses: 207 to 216

#365DaysOfPoetry #RayaBlabbers

207

You make me smile
Give me little butterflies
At the most random moments
For the most random things.

Art By Migs Villanueva

208

She laid quiet

Waiting

But

They never came;

Till finally

She stepped out

Liked what she saw

And closed the door

   (behind her).

Art By Cheryl Jowen

209

With a wave of a hand
He set all things in motion
Suddenly
Like clockwork
Unstoppable
And definite.

210 - A

The King rose from His throne,
"Ah, favorable conditions at last"
He raised His hand and said,
"I will it"
As I bowed my head and said,
"Your will be done."


210 - B

The heart knows when it is right.

211

She bloomed where she was planted;
And laid rooted where she bloomed.

Art By Mariaya_a on IG

212

Hold on to me as you would

The final strands of a wonderful dream

Upon waking

Desperately

Deliberately

In vain.

213

And if there ever was
A sliver of uncertainty left;
That has all come to past
In the company of newfound friends.

214

Distance as a constraint is really just an illusion;
An insignificant barrier to connected souls.

215

Curling up upon your cradle
My soul breathes a sign of relief;
And in a single stroke of your hand
All uncertainties fall away;
Hide me within your arms a few more minutes
That I might be braver and stronger upon release.

216 - A

Find endfolded within
Every moment of jampacked days
The reflection of His beauty
And the quiet of His presence.

216 - B

Poor little marionettes
Fools for puppeteers;
Play a friend or a foe
The villain or the hero;
Whatever suits their fancy
Or the best strategy;
Cut the strings
Release the strains;
There's no need to remain
Nothing to lose
   and everything to gain;
That your burdens be lighter
And your days, brighter.

Poetic Doses: 197 to 206

#RayaBlabbers #365DaysOfPoetry

197

Free will is a gift
that should not be wasted.
There is power
in its exercise;
To welcome grace
and rid oneself of unnecessary burden.

198

Powerless against this endless pouring rain;
Drenched on a love I cannot reciprocate.

199

Art by Inadoodles on IG

Ipinagluluksa ko
Ang aking bayan;
Aking Inang mahal,
Patuloy, paulit-ulit na
Niloloko
Pinagsasamantalahan
Ipinuputa
Ng mga taong dapat ay
Sa kanya'y
Nagmamahal
Kumakalinga
Tumataguyod.

200

Ipinagluluksa ko
Ang kanyang mga anak;
Aking mga kapatid na
Patuloy na pinapatay ang
Katawan
Isipan
Maging kaluluwa
Ng mga taong dapat ay
Sa kanila'y
Nagmamahal
Kumakalinga
Tumataguyod.

201

Drink one:  to calm the nerves
Drink two:  to loosen the tongue
Drink three:  for some bravery
Frink four:  for bottled honesty
And then finally there comes
Drink five:  to mercifully forget it all.

202

In plain sight of prying eyes
and walls with ears
The secret grew
in grace and beauty
A love
unplanned and improbable
Between the hidden you
and the timid me.

203

Just stay in my arms please
Where your heart knows peace.

204

I bow down before You
And lay myself upon Your feet.
I have come to surrender
my racing mind,
my weary heart
and my troubled spirit;
That in Your hands
I might be still
and renewed.

Photo by:  Ryan Berza on IG

205

Right here
With stars above and below
All I needed from you
Was to ask.

206

Tread carefully.

You stand within the sanctuary of my soul.

Here lies

The edifice of my life,

Built upon memories

Of joy and pain

Of tenderness and strain;

Piled one on top of the other;

An intricately beautiful

Fragile

Unfinished

Mess.

Photo by:  Ryan Berza on IG

We Are All A Little Mental

A couple of weeks ago, my sister told me I had to take her slot in a half-day workshop.  I grumbled a bit.  I mean, come on, it was a Saturday! (I had important plans, particularly to catch up on lost sleep).  But I woke up bright and early and marched into a nice little basement hall (with ZERO signal!) for the MAGIS workshop, Head On:  Let's Talk About Mental Wellness.

It was the best half day I spent without coffee in months!

There are 4 aspects that determine our overall well-being:  Biological, Psychological, Social and Spiritual.  For each of these, there is some way to measure whether a person is within normal range.  Normally (pun intended), a person can fall within normal range in one or more aspects, but rarely for all.  Thus, no one is absolutely "normal".  We are all within one type of spectrum or another.  In fact, if you aren't a little bit mental, you're probably not human.

The MAGIS group put together a comprehensive team of experts that talked richly (albeit briefly) on an array of topics, sufficient for a very good and growingly important base knowledge on mental health.  Below are some of the important points I learned that day:

• Mental health is driven by shifts or changes -- minor or major -- in our BioPsychoSocialSpiritual aspects. It can be from just one aspect or a combination.  This means, that there are only factors associated with the development of mental illness, but no definitive cause.  
• Many people can live with multiple factors conducive for a mental illness or even show symptoms sometimes, but are not clinically (meaning: consistently exhibiting the symptoms) diagnosed.  They are able to cope with the symptoms.  Studies show these are people who typically have a good support system.
• There are no absolute cures for mental illnesses, only remedies.
• Diagnosis is made using phenomenological perspective, meaning: based on observed symptoms (relying heavily on the clinician's judgement) vs. biological markers.  There are no bio markers that can conclusively indicate a mental condition.
• There is a huge variety of mental disorders with overlapping symptoms. Thus, it can be a challenge to conclusively diagnose a person without spending sufficient time observing him/her.
• Feelings and thoughts are uncontrollable.  We can only control our behavior or actions/reactions in relation to these.
• 6 out of the 9 basic emotions are universally viewed as "bad".  Because of this, people maintain a negative connotation when feeling these emotions, curtailing their natural tendency to "feel" these and process completely.
• The brain is neuroplastic.  It is highly flexible and changeable.  Synapses can be trained, exercised and strengthened.
• We can get a visual of these strengths/weaknesses of different areas of our brain through a Brain Map!
• Impulsiveness, Autism and ADHD are due to under-stimulated (under-aroused) brains.
• Impulsiveness and creativity are in the same area of the brain. Notice how artists seem to be a little bit more crazier? (Hehe!)
• Everything is dual in nature. Recognizing and accepting this helps us to deal with this duality better.
• Everyone is continuously looking for healing.
• Trauma is stored in the body and can manifest in different ways, including stiffness in movement.
• Movement creates change and, thus, can initiate a change in mindset.
• The expressive arts help access the internal.
• All art is good art and is always a good starting point of healing.
• As adults, the only time we allow ourselves to play is when we are around kids.  It is important to give ourselves a space to play and to be deliberate about playing for ourselves.
• These are the 7 levels of our existence.  All of these are important and we need to be mindful and actively cultivating the health of each.

1. Physical body
2. Breath
3. Mind (as in the function of the brain)
4. Intellect (judgment)
5. Memory
6. Ego (how you separate yourself from others; feeling of superiority or inferiority is an expression of Ego)
7. Spirit (that level of our existence that is most connected to all things)

Phew!  It's a laundry list, isn't it?  It's a barrage of knowledge nuggets that seem so diverse that it's easy to lose that hint of connection. I'm sitting here, wondering how I can elegantly tie it all together and close this blog.

What did I learn?  

First, when God said He created each of us uniquely, He wasn't kidding.  Therefore, there is no such thing as normal.  Each person was given a unique set of graces and abilities, designed for a very specific purpose in His overall plan.  Armed with these, He has set each of us on our very own journey.  Yes, our paths converge sometimes, but the entire journey is ours alone.  

Second, He didn't create us perfect (But what is perfect, anyway?), just perfect for our roles.  He purposely created us with some kinks and chinks, because we were meant to need each other.  We were meant to help and support each other.  We have our own struggles, most of them hidden (like icebergs) from even the closest people in our lives.  Once we are able to recognize and accept our struggles, we are able to seek, recognize and accept help from others.

Third, knowing and accepting these as universal truths should make us more compassionate and prompt us to give more allowances to each other, to #ChooseKind always. Deliberately.    

(Oh, and I think I have PMDD - Premenstrual  Dysphoric Disorder. Yes, it's an official mental disorder since 2013, apparently).

Poetic Doses: 187 to 196

#RayaBlabbers #365daysofpoetry
(These come with some nice photos in my IG account  @lightbulbs_heartstrings)

187

How complicated life is
When dealing with people
Yet there is no bliss
Quite like dealing with people.

188

Counting my blessings
1, 2, 3
First, the mornings when the heart sings
Then come noons with joy to come soon
And there are dusks when there is nothing more to ask
Till finally the good nights come to replenish the spirit's light.

189

Despite what I say
All I really want is for you to stay.

190

Help comes when it is needed
And His guidance is easier heeded.

All we need is to flow with His sure tide
And in His strong wind, to dance and glide.

***

It is all about God's impeccable timing and grace;
When moving pieces click suddenly into place.

191

Incline my ears to the truth of who I am
Over the buzz of damaging self-doubt.

192

This --
is where I found her
Between the folds
of my dreams
and angst.

193

Monsoon rains are such a pain (in the ...)
As if having wet feet were such a treat.
Today I witnessed you drop my heart
And just idly watch it drift past and far.

194

With so many things going on,
She repeated,
"Ladies, zip up your imaginary corsets."
I wanted to scream,
"You are evul!"
But, as my body screamed in pain,
my spirit soared to a higher plane.

195

For we are all in one form of spectrum or the other --
autism, gender preference or mental state.
Normal is so overrated.
And, I dare say, mythical.

196

With a little bit of teamwork, compassion and empathy,
we might all find the all elusive unicorns of
happiness, peace and love.

Art by Mister_Sasquatch on IG

Poetic Doses: 177 to 186

#RayaBlabbers #365daysofpoetry
(These come with some nice photos in my IG account  @lightbulbs_heartstrings)

Photo by:  Shaira Luna on IG

177

Looked up at the sky
In search of a falling star
To catch its magic
Between the palm of my hands
But all I found were dead stars
Floating, alone in a sky full and vast.

178

Foolish one,
Best bite your tongue
Lest in your haste
This heart you betray.

179

And after all these years
The sighs and the tears
It remains a mystery
Or a truth I refuse to see.

180

My weary heart longs for a home to call its own.

181

A shower of beautiful stars falling all around me
As I wish for the one that will fall into me.

182 

Can't wait to be home
Been lost for too long.

***

My heart craves to be 
In the arms of one who loves me.

***

She waited
Until her spirit waned
And her heart retreated.

183

He stared out at the horizon
While I sat staring at his back.

***

And I continue to wait
For a return or a coming.

184

My heart, broken a thousand times over;
I long for that day, when it is finally (truly) sober!

185

"I love you," she said,
And then walked away;
For as her heart was tormented by the burden of her secret,
so also did her mind fear his inevitable response;
She knew his truth
As much as she knew hers.

186

Pity me, pity you
When there is no me
In the universe of you.

Poetic Doses: 167 to 176

#RayaBlabbers #365daysofpoetry
(These come with some nice photos in my IG account  @lightbulbs_heartstrings)

Photo by @inadoodles on IG

167

You are as gold to my broken pieces;
Celebrating the broken parts, while lovingly mending;
In You I am made whole again in a beautiful way.

168

For in every bad there is a good;
All it takes are a big open heart and a pinch of faith.

169

Stretching beyond my perceived limits;
Withstanding some pain and
Accepting temporary discomfort.

170

How to deal with a man of steel;
A stubborn mule who'd rather be a fool?

171

Oh, to heck with it!  I'm coming clean.
I'd rather be any place with you in it.

172

How long or how far you roam
The heart knows its way home.

173

Calling on Dreamers ...
Painfully cognizant of the failures of the past;
Naively optimistic to actually shift the future;
And perfectly poised to change the world now.

174

Mundane chores that normally bores;
They open hearts and real conversations start.

175

Perhaps I will never understand her full beauty;
But it is enough that I glimpsed it for just a moment.

176

24-hour flight, what was I thinking!
Brain is out-of-sight and it's only Day 1 of the meeting.

"Did You Get Loved Enough?"

A couple of days ago, I was finally able to watch the full movie, "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood".  For years, I just saw bits of the movie, although I always meant to sit down and watch it.  I thought it was just awfully bad timing.  But, when I finally watched it, I realized, that night was the right time for me to see it.  I had been chewing on it these past days with so many thoughts swimming in my head.

Three events led me to think it was time to bring the thoughts to shore:

• I got so ticked off (okay. fine. I was heaving in anger) at two incredibly rude teenagers at the parking lot that I couldn't enjoy shopping (imagine that!).  So, my son did the only thing he could do:  he hugged me.
• I read this on the internet:  "If someone becomes angry over silly or petty things, it means he/she needs love."
• I watched "Incredibles 2" (it's an explanation too long for a parenthesis, so just watch it).

The scene that got me was the one between Siddalee (Sandra) and her father, Shep.

Shep:  "It can be summed up in, 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.'"
Sidda:  "What about the road back? What's that paved with?"
Shep:  "Humility"
Sidda:  "Really?  Does she even have that in her repertoire?"
Shep:  "Not that she'd care to admit.  Pride covers a multitude of sins.  But you live with someone long enough you can see what they're trying to hide by the way they try to hide it.  She's hurting, too, baby girl."
Sidda:  "Daddy?  Did you get loved enough?"
Shep:  "What is enough?  The question is ... did you?  It's never too late."


This reminded me of a common notion people have when children act out or when adults are particularly difficult: "He/She must not have been loved enough."

But what is enough?

To be loved means there is also a giver of love.  There are two people involved.

Two completely different people --- with different histories; different personalities and temperaments; different principles and values; different needs; different mental and emotional capacities; different love languages.

Two individuals experiencing life from very different perspectives --- with very different definitions of good days and bad days; very different stress levels; very different stress or pain thresholds; different goals and intentions.

I realized, any relationship --- whether between parent and child, between lovers / spouses / partners, between siblings, between friends, colleagues or even simple acquaintances --- is tremendously hard work!  It is a constant balancing act between two people, who trust and love each other enough to risk the possibility of getting hurt.

That is why it is important to choose well the people to maintain meaningful relationships with.  These are the people who love and value you for who you are --- perks and quirks; graces and faults.  They are the ones who will safeguard your vulnerability and protect your reputation, while serving you the painful truth upfront (without the frills or the ice cream).  They will gladly (or begrudgingly) walk that road back (half way or all the way, as needed) paved with humility.  And YOU will do the same for them ... so choose well!

BUT what is enough?

The truth is, there is never enough.  Only the constant awareness that each person is different and going through different circumstances; the deliberate openness to see and understand from another person's perspective; and the humble acceptance that we do not know and understand another person completely ... or that no one ever fully understands us.

Makes you wonder if you have loved enough, huh?

It's never too late.