Reflection on Readings: Sunday - April 28

"I love you," he said, "but I can't get you to stop drinking.  But I don't think you have to hurt so bad.  Unless:  you want to.  And if you don't want to, there's a way ... but it's going to have to be an inside job." (James, "Rosie")

I read somewhere: "People change when they are ready, never before that."  We can keep nagging at people to change, but, until they are ready, it's going to be a futile effort --- because we don't change people.  They change on their own ... by God's grace.  It's an inside job; an intimate affair between the person and God.  It is often triggered by a catalyst, a life-changing event, or an eye-opener.  And the change begins with a glimmer of hope (that we can be much more than who we are now) and a sliver of faith (that, because we are God's children, we can be like Him).

We are made in His image and likeness. We may not be completely like Him now, but, I believe, that each one of us carries a part of Him within us.  And, once we see and recognize the God in us, it will be easier to let it flow into the forefront of who we are.  Imagine if we are all able to do that, then we will be able to piece together God's image in its entirety!  Isn't it a beautiful thought that we make up a part of the puzzle that builds into the complete picture of God?

From today's 2nd Reading - 1 John 3:1-2
"Beloved, we are God's children now; what we shall be has not yet been revealed.  We do know that when it is revealed we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is."

Psalm 118:1, 8-9, 21-23, 26, 28, 29
"By the Lord has this been done; it is wonderful in our eyes."

Poetic Doses

Post 2009 musings ... in no particular order, in no particular reality.

***
amidst the battle within
keeping my eyes closed.

against everything i know
i lay my bets on the impossible.

***
2nd Day

i awake to
shifting shades
of amber
and gray;
i brush them off
the final strands
of dream
--- or drunkeness
towards sobriety
--- or insanity;
clarity drifts in
slowly
___ a void
in its wake.

***
for one brief moment
a semblance of bliss
till i found
i am alone in my heaven

***

i am a prisoner of circumstance
or perhaps
a victim of the gods' folly
this is my curse

rendered helpless
and sleepless
by love 
that shall never be birthed.

***
Unbrave

happy endings
are lost to the unbrave.

they lie 
between the echoes
of feelings
unspoken;
and hide 
in the shadows
of first steps
and leaps of faith
that never
left the ground .

we are doomed
you and i ---
unbrave;
caught
in the folly
in the unending dance
of pride.

***
mind games

i have come full circle
back to where we began
to find a stranger staring back
through the You-shaped void
of my childhood dreams
and grown-up hopes

all at once, i knew
you are never coming back. 

***

just one word
and i've come undone
run!
an urgent voice
inside me
says
yet i remain
eyes closed
heart racing
unable to breathe.

***
OUAT

my every sense wakens
in your presence
intoxicated, i lose grasp
of my faculties;
and bottled-up emotions
clamor for light.

i walk in an alternate reality
where and when you are
suspended in time
slow motion in a dream-like state
the Enchanted Forest
swirling into Storybrook.

i yearn to be Snow White,
Charming's one true love;
yet i am merely Rumplestiltskin,
helpless under the dagger's power;
doomed to be Regina
once Marianne claims her Robin.

***

what if?

what if this is it?

yet i turn my back from it
as constantly and consistently
as this love comes knocking
through every season

perhaps i should
follow Beverly -
steadfast, trusting ... and sure
"if you're what i've got,"
she said
"then you're what i'll take".

***
the day after Sev's Cafe

my soul is moved
my muse stirs
drunk in life
and its painful beauty
last night
leaves me wanting
more
and again.

***
Parallel Universes

i cannot say
the exact moment
nor fully comprehend
the how ---
perhaps a swift blow
from cupid's stray arrow,
or the slow burning
of daily small gestures;
or the why's ---
similarly wired brains,
the unspoken partnership
or, perhaps,
simply
the volumes unspoken
from a sideways glance,
the undefined yearning
from a brief touch.

i cannot say
my exact sentiments
my heart, as conflicted
as your cryptic messages ---
tossed around in a sea
of late night exchanges,
pulled deeper in the undercurrent
of the almost-but-never-quite;
my soul, as lost
as your true meaning ---
wound up
in the rollercoaster ride
of your affections
-- or affectations?

i cannot know
may never want to know
perhaps i shall just
draw a cupful of comfort ---
these moments
of mutual tenderness
came to pass
a wrinkle in time
perhaps somewhere
in a parallel universe ---
i am 
for you
the very heartbeat
that brings you to life.

***
take me to a place

where the sun kisses the sea
the air, moist and salty
and the only sound is
the endless lapping of waves.  

***
indeed there is beauty
in words strung gracefully together
but there is nothing
absolutely nothing
as beautiful as
colors in harmony.

***
my sun
 
i am consumed by 
the colors of the sun
it haunts me in my dreams
and my waking hours
i close my eyes 
and i feel its warmth
kissing
painting my face
a beautiful salmon pink
amidst the deep blue.   
   
 

Easter People in the Year of the Poor

April 12 was the Feast of the Divine Mercy and the last day of the Easter season.  Initially, I thought it was a rather weird combination.  But then, I realized, it makes absolute sense.  To be forgiven is to have a fresh start, which is what Easter is all about.

The Catholic Church dubbed this year as The Year of the Poor and it's beautiful.

My family had an opportunity to attend Mass, officiated by Bishop Mercado, at the Divine Mercy Chapel.  He made a number of points on Forgiveness, Easter and The Year of the Poor that beg to be shared:

1. "No one is so poor that he has nothing to give; no one is so rich that he is not wanting." I forgot who he quoted on this one, but it's a truth we often overlook.  I realized, we underestimate the power of a simple smile or a kind word - two inexhaustible things that we can dish out indiscriminately and never run out of; and two things everyone cannot have too much of.  So, I resolve to smile more to everyone I interact with - no matter how minute the interaction ... even the lady at the toll gate at midnight.
2. "Everything we have is given to us; thus, we own nothing."  When we are aware that what we have is not ours, there is more care in how we utilize the resources at our disposal.  The mindset is stewardship - how would God want me to use these? 
3. "I am a gift to others."  We were created out of and for love.  We exist and are equipped to make this world a much better place --- even if it's just for a few people.
4. "The face of Love and Mercy is Forgiveness."  The greatest act of love is to forgive.
5. "Some are not ready to accept love because it entails responsibility.  Keep loving them anyway." Yes, some people are scared to accept love because they dread the responsibility that comes with it --- to love in return; or the consequences --- to be hurt.  Some people think loving completely is limiting, exhausting and risky, so they go about life guarded.  They fail to realize that, as they withhold and protect themselves, they trade off what is real with the superficial.  In the end, they are really depriving themselves ... because to love and be loved is both liberating and expanding.  Our natural inclination is to love.  To fight against it, then, takes more effort and energy.  Love in its purest and truest form is an act of selflessness. To be selfless enables us to unlock the limits of our capabilities ... because we inevitably push ourselves to be MORE for someone else.

 Finally, Bishop Mercado ends with:  "Let us be Easter People".

1. Let us accept God's love and forgiveness and give ourselves the gift of a fresh start.
2. Let us forgive others and give them the gift of a fresh start; and ourselves, the gift of a heart free from heavy burden.

 Make everyday Easter this Year of the Poor!

Bigger Bear Series: Apr 12

Last week, I felt I needed a massage ... so I called for one.  The spa said they'd send one over in an hour.  They called back 30 minutes later.  The masseuse assigned to me requested to clock off early, tired from a long day of helping other people relax.

I tried again a couple of days later.  I really needed one.  They were fully-booked for the night.  Whut?!?! 

Breathe.  "God", I began to say in my head, "I could really use a massage now ... to relax my mind and spirit ... Why?"

A couple of days ago, my high-school bestfriend texted that she was coming to visit.  We booked our calendars to spend the afternoon together.  Over coffee, we had a grand idea ... yes ... a massage!  At our favorite spa - Mandarine Spa in Westgate.  Normally, it would be fully-booked after lunch on a Saturday, but, guess what ... they have a private room for us!

More than the blissful massage He arranged, God gave me my much-needed relaxation of the spirit ... by sending me my no-judgement-spill-my-gut-out sounding board.  Spending time with her, talking and not talking, just basking in the security of her quiet love, truly revived my spirits.

Definitely, the Bigger Bear more than compensated for the two failed home-massage attempts.

I love you, Ate Tina!

Poetic Doses

Exactly 10 years ago I bravely posted some of my mind's crazy ramblings.  Tonight I was archiving my Personal files and unearthed a few works from then till 2009.  Here they are, in no particular order; in no particular reality.

A small capsule of forever

You hold me in the most natural gesture of farewell between friends … that extended for longer than usual.  Then you held me tighter.  I did the same.  I felt every slow, deliberate breath you took … a contrast to my racing heart.  And then, just like that, it was over.  Without a glance, we moved on to the next friend to bid farewell.  Never before had this “beautiful unspoken” been so expressed than through this singular moment that is destined to be lost in the strands of time.

There are moments, that when stringed together, form a forever.  And there are forevers encapsulated in one single moment.  This was one of them. 

To the one who will be THE One

under the acacia tree

you will find me

calloused feet

wind-torn clothes

wearied by

my endless travels

your touch

 alien

to my skin

grown cold

i believe myself wise

you see

but mostly

i am wary

when you find

me

and my eyes

seem unyielding

persist, dearest

i beg

until my skin grows warm

with your touch

and bells ring

with my laughter

until your soul

finds mine

under the acacia tree

i will wait

for that

moment

that every second of my life

builds up to

for that

moment

when i am home

finally … in your arms.

Unveiled

i am

unveiled

the song

this

guiding

me

through narrow

paths

of

forgotten memories

the cloud

it lifts

and I see

clearly

4 mins

and my past

is changed

irrevocably

i did

not

see

nor feel

no more

need

for wasteful

searching

when

i

WAS

found

i am

unveiled

now

but you

are

lost to me

4 years past.

heart of a mother

for

it is of no consequence

this, they say,

love unrequited

it only matters

that

i love

truly and entirely

until that day

ready and armed

you

take flight

and even then

my heart

and my prayers

shall watch ever closely over you.

My Muse

verses run in my head

fleeting and sometimes fading

long before i can

bind them into coherence

random thoughts

fragments of moments lost

but the feelings

so new and yet so old

i grasp at them

but they are gone

like wisps of warm breath

on a cool december night

and then again

prodding and teasing

till i stand

before the door

and in the cobwebs

of my secret room

you

my dusty muse

i hearken to your voice

though you do not speak

one look, a touch

and i am alive

rediscovering

passions of long ago

once again

burning … and breathing ….

(i wield no power over you,

yet you choose

to stay

in the secret chambers of my heart

and i claim you

as my own captured muse

though in truth

it is i

who am your slave).

Nagging Water

(tribute to Wolfmann)

once more

she walks on water

i have left

with love unspoken

yet all I do

is love her even more

in the only way i can now

rocking her gently

the soft breeze upon her shoulder

like water

now

i am everywhere … and free.

01-31-09

and so we go on

this endless dance

round the fire

slowly consuming us

from within ….

untitled

‘tis the hour

of just before moon’s setting

wakefulness whispers upon me

flash of images flooding my head

a touch

head upon shoulder

a brush

scent surrounding me

these fragments of you

and me

forbidden

sleepwalking

she picks up the phone

“do you remember me?

he asks

“what?!”

she replies

“i remember you”

click!

all at once she was

removed from time

and space

sunlight filters through

the blinds

warm and yellow

she looks around

coffe table, sofa

door

3 pm, the clock says

then she hears

her own heavy breathing

she blinks

once

twice

she is finally awake.

invisible

what hands

brought you here

this meticulously engineered

here? and now?

what mystical wisdom

gave you secret words

uttered without speaking

heard only by my heart?

what ancient sage

planted my face in your heart

and gave you hands

that touched my soul?

what invisible hands

brought you here

where i roam aimlessly

and now

when my soul needs waking?

perhaps i will never know

perhaps there is no need to

come now, child

here in the bosom of my love

whence you were conceived

and i am reborn

anxiety

shush! shush!
quiet, thoughts!
you pester me
with your incessant prodding
oh! to sleep
a dreamless sleep
to tame
the monsters in my head ....